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Feeling a bit...deflated? (and worried)

Hi Ladies

After our results on Friday I was feeling so happy and relieved but now that a few days have passed I'm starting to feel a bit down and deflated. Of course I am still pleased there's nothing wrong but it's made me think alot again about how I should have been holidng my baby by now or at least been pregnant still.

I think there was so much tension waiting for these results and then the relief that I didn't have time to think about where I would, should , have been. It kind of got pushed to the side.

Now I feel really sad again about not being pregnant and just want to be pregnant again. We just missed this month's ov waiting to see the consultant and I know it's only 3 weeks till next ov now but it feels so far away! You'd think I'd be used to waiting by now.

I just want to feel that hope again....hope that I might be pregnant, hope that this one might work out.

But what if it doesn't? What if we have to go through this again? I know we'd get through it, we'd have to....but it scares me so much. You get built up so much by the excitement of a BFP and the hope that it might be ok and then you fall so hard and fast when it all goes wrong. I keep telling myself that I should try and not get too excited next time just in case, but I know myself and I can't do that. I'm an optimist at heart (though goodness knows why!) and I want to feel that excitement....I just don't want that fall afterwards if it all goes wrong again.

I just want somebody to say to me 'It will be ok next time' and for me to be able to believe them. After all of my miscarriages people have said exactly that to me...but it just pisses me off because nobody knows if it will be...and how dare they give me false hope? How dare they tell me not to worry? Do they honestly think I can not worry after 3 miscarriages?

And then I've started worrying that I should have asked for more at our appointment. But is there anymore they can do? I've heard about HCG injections or Progesterone ones but he didn't mention either of those. My HCG was perfectly inline with where it should have been with my first pregnancy so does that rule this out? (my other 2 my HCG was already dropping by the time I got appontment at EPU). Perhaps I should ask my GP about Progesterone testing in my next pregnancy? But I've read by then it's probably too late.

I just feel like what if we're not doing enough? I feel like we're going into this next round a bit blinded. The only thing that's different is the high dose folic acid (but that's very unlikely to be the problem) and the aspirin (but my blood clotting results were fine).

I'm starting to worry that surely it can't just be incredibly bad luck and everything will be ok next time? I have to remind myself of others who have been here and everything has been ok the 4th time...

Thanks for listening to my rambling.

Love NN xxx

[Modified by: NattyNik on 30 March 2009 15:16:37 ]


  • hi nn

    and when you think its all ok - all the worries come back but 10 fold!!

    I would make and apointment to see your doctor and ask whether you can have the progesterone pesseries - if it does no harm to have a little bit extra then using them as a precaution would be a way around this.

    I do understand how you feel - i am currently 6.5 weeks pregnant and i am a neurotic mess! The doctor today was close to sectioning me i think!!!

    Make another appointment and list any questions you havent ask and ask them.

    Take care hun x
  • Hi NN

    I'm sorry you are down today. I really wish I had some words of wisdom. You have to hold onto that little bit of hope. You have to believe that everything will be ok this time. Take heart from peole like Summer76 (I know she won't mind me mentioning her...?) She has had 2 mc's and a chemical pg, was told she might lose this one, but she's still pg. She has a fighter of a little bean.

    I hope today is just one down day, and tomorrow will seem brighter. Sending a hhhhuuuuggggeee hug! lol xx
  • argh i just posted a long post to you and this site bloody ate it....

    Basically it just said that im sorry you are feeling so disheartened as i can only imagine a little of the pain you are feeling and fear as you have been through so much,,,

    If i was you i would make an appointment to see my gp (and try and get in touch with that consultant again even just by telepohone) and discuss your worries and fears etc and see if there is anything which they will agree to let you try - however, your consultant sounded so nice so im sure he would have suggested something if he thought it made a difference but as summer said theres no harm...

    I would be tempted just to go for 'round 4' with the positivity that you showed the other day and try not to stress about it (not worrying about ovulation times etc) just go for it and enjoy being a happily married couple and hopefully you will get caught quickly with a sticky bean....

    Its impossible not to get excited by a BFP when its all you want and anyway not getting excited wouldnt make a mc any easier to get fact i think it would make it worse as i would blame myself even more and think it was because i didnt get excited enough so maybe it looked like i didnt want it or love it enough etc silly things like that. I wont patronise you and say that if you get pregnant again everything will be fine - it may be what you want to hear but sadly we all know thats the case however seen as mcs are so common and most woman are expected to have at least one in their life it could just have come down to really shitty bad luck.

    If the worst case happened you know you would get through even though it would be so hard as you have come this are strong and a fighter (you have had to be) anyway, if it didnt work out i would then try any possible thing i could for round 5 to make sure i had really given it my best shot so if it didnt work then it is proper shitty bad luck but even if it did it could just be a coincidence.

    Sorry this prob isnt much help and sorry its a bit jumbled but its just my opinion....i say bring back that positive attitude (we will all send those vibes your way) and just go for deserve to be a mummy so dont give up on that positive attitude that it will happen soon!

    Stay strong...i hope you feel a bit better tomorrow!


    [Modified by: Lauz41 on March 30, 2009 05:51 PM]

  • Hi NN,
    I don't really know what to say. I feel totally petrified and fairly convinced that it will happen again and I've only had one mc. There is no reason to think this way but it's impossible to avoid. You are only human.
    As the other ladies said, I think another chat with the doc may help?? You deserve extra support this time round.
    Hope you're feeling a bit brighter. Sending you lots of love.
  • double

    [Modified by: MrsDAO on March 30, 2009 05:25 PM]

  • triple!!!!!

    [Modified by: MrsDAO on March 30, 2009 05:25 PM]

  • Hi NN,
    Oh hun. I'm sorry you have had a bit of a slump. I have been feeling a bit like that since my results came back too. I said to my GP 'so we just need to play russian roulette again?' as that is a bit how it feels. I have been told to take aspirin after my BFP (when most seem to be told before??) and they will monitor my thyroid more closely. It doesn't make me feel any more secure about the future.
    Someone actually asked me today whether I was going to try again. My answer was 'what choice do I have, we want a family!'
    I have become quite impatient and want my BFP NOW! I really miss being pregnant. Fingers crossed everything goes well this month and we can be celebrating together. So we need to try and dig out the PMA and we will all be here to support you. Hopefully we will get our BFP together and we can build up each others positivity and confidence!
    About progesterone, have you read Lesley Regans book on MC? I am trying to work my way through it. I think there is a bit on progesterone in that.
    Sending you hugs hun, I hope tomorrow the sun shines for you and it gives you a ray of PMA for the future.
    Lilou xx
  • Sorry BE playing up! Too many posts.

    [Modified by: Lilou on March 30, 2009 05:44 PM]

  • And again..........

    [Modified by: Lilou on March 30, 2009 05:45 PM]

  • Ggrr

    [Modified by: Lilou on March 30, 2009 05:43 PM]

  • Thank you so much ladies - I knew I could rely on you all to help me to keep looking on the brightside and keep that PMA up :\)

    I think I was just feeling so down because I've had a bit of a bad day with other things too - when one thing goes wrong it always makes everything seem so hopeless!

    I have taken your advice and made an appointment with my GP. Unfortunately my usual GP isn't back from her maternity leave for a few more weeks and the stand in one I was seeing already left about a month ago! But I have made an appointment with a different GP that I've seen a couple of times and he saw me after my last mc and was really understanding and supportive so hopefully it'll be ok. Going to ask about the progesterone and clarify what they will test me for at EPU as soon as I'm pregnant again and what they will do if results aren't looking good (i.e - will they give me any hormones then?). Better to ask instead of sitting here worrying!

    Lilou - the consultant said to me that they tell some women to take aspirin from ov in case you fall pregnant that month but that might be a little too much at this stage (??) so to just take from BFP but that it wouldn't hurt from ov. So I've decided not to risk it and just take from ov! You're so right that it feels like Russian roulette. I have Leslie Regan's book and will go and dig it out again - thanks for reminding me!

    Love NN xxx
  • BE playing up!

    [Modified by: Dottie1 on March 30, 2009 11:10 PM]

  • And again.

    [Modified by: Dottie1 on March 30, 2009 11:11 PM]

  • Durh and again.....

    [Modified by: Dottie1 on March 30, 2009 11:11 PM]

  • Oh my god this is so dulll....what is wrong with BE??

    [Modified by: Dottie1 on March 30, 2009 11:12 PM]

  • Seriously NattyNik it wasn't that important that I needed to say it 6 times lol! xxx

    [Modified by: Dottie1 on March 30, 2009 11:13 PM]

  • I really have to go to bed, but can't just read and run with some of these!! Hey little lady, I am sending you a huge super fluffy warm comforting hug, you need it. I know you know that you that you can only go forward with this, after all you've done and all you've been through you cannot go back, you want this enough I know you do and you have to stay positive and stong and focused. I know you won't ever ever forget your beautiful little angels but there is a little soul out there (waiting for you and when the time is right) that needs all your energy and your love and the light that you surrounds you to be focused on it so it can find you. The future is everything but the past will never be forgotten.

    You have every single girl here right behing you and sending all our love and wishes your way, because we believe in you and won't give up giving you PMA when you need it and we know you deserve this and dearly want you to be happy.

    Right I must go but sweet dreams, and keep hope alive, warm and waiting you'll need her real soon. xxxx
  • Hey NN,

    Please don't feel down it is totally understandable honey i think we all feel terrified at the prospect of it happening again but i know we are a strong bunch of ladies and we will keep going until we get what we want!
    I know it doesn't help and that nothing we say can put your mind at rest but i think you are being very brave and we will be with you as you enter Round 4!

    Love and hugs
    Rena x
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