Forum home Pregnancy Miscarriage & pregnancy loss

Advice please :(

Hi everyone, So my OH and I have been TTC for 3 years after coming off depo. We had out first apt at the fertility clinic where they said I had to lose weight. But we got a BFP and was so happy it happened naturally. The day of our 12 week scan I was bursting with excitement, couldn't wait to scream from the rooftops about our little baby. But we received devastating news. Our baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 10+3 wks. Utter devastation swept over me along with guilt, anger and pain. Failure also played a big part. My body has failed at being a woman. While TTC this feeling became latched onto me and now it is back. Along with emptiness. I opted for surgical as it was the quickest and meant we can get back to TTC straight away. I have taken 3 weeks currently off my work to recover and due back in 2 days. I now have this deep feeling of nervousness at going back, being around so many people I know, being asked why I was off and currently feeling quite fragile about the whole thing. My OH currently has to work away and will be away for the next 10 weeks but back every other weekend. I can barely manage sleeping alone as it is, how am I going to cope for all that time. Although I don't want to be around anyone but him. I cry for hours at night but during the day I put a wall up to protect myself I guesse. Is this all natural? And the enevitable why me???


  • Hi bookitty. So sorry to hear of your loss.

    firstly... Yes... Everything you are going through & feeling are perfectly normal... Give yourself time... & permission to grieve for the baby you have lost. It's still really early days for you. I know the deep sense of pain you must be feeling now, & along with it the stronger than ever need to be a mother... I can't say honestly that the pain gets easier... But for me at least the frequency is less. When it hits me it hits me like a truck & i just cry & cry... But then most of the time I can be strong, get by & live a happy life with my husband. As much as you can, just take time to relax, make the most of the brief times you have together just to 'be' with each other & appreciate the love you have between you.most importantly... Talk about what you have been through... In as much detail & as often as you feel able to. You will find it a sense of relief not to bottle up your feelings & your other half im sure will appreciate you opening up to him & helping him have an insight into your feelings. It hurts them to see us hurting & not know what is going through our minds. Nothing you are feeling is wrong or something to be ashamed of... Whatever you feel is how your body is helping you process this.

    i really do know what you're going through... Having suffered 2 losses myself. My first was a missed miscarriage like yours... Had a scan at 9 weeks only to find that the baby had died around 6weeks. My second i'd had scans at 6 & 8 weeks where perfectly healthy development & a great heartbeat was seen & then at 9 1/2 weeks i bled heavily & a scan showed our baby had died a couple of days previously. I was devastated both times but in such different ways.

    if you feel able to, tell your colleagues the truth... It's nothing to be ashamed of & i hate that miscarriage is seen by many to be such a taboo subject... That only increases our feelings of failure... Which is just plain wrong. I am very open with friends & colleagues about what i've experienced & find that it has really helped me to come to terms with things. Just saying it out loud & acknowledging the losses has brought a sense of peace (most of the time).

    Also... yes... Im positive that every woman who has been in our situation has at least once thought 'why me'... Why does she get to have her baby & I don't. You go through phases of blaming yourself, blaming others, trying to find answers when chances are there are none to be found.... But you will get through it.

    i am in a similar situation to you in that my husband will soon be leaving too & I will be alone for 4 months while he is deployed. Honestly, like you, i am scared about how i will cope when i have my sad moments & he's not around. I have though found this website a huge source of strength & healing so will very likely be on here talking things through.. There are so many wonderful people on here who will help you.

    finally... The why me... I dont know if you are a believer or not, if you have faith .. but what has really helped me at times is to think that if there is a god up there with a plan for us, he only gives us what we are strong enough to handle... & we will come out stronger the other side for it. 

    If you are not a believer, i also at times just run through the numbers in my head & that has helped me feel a sense of control of sorts... I have thought about the stats... That 1in 4 women will have a miscarriage for example... Then think about my 2 sisters & how much I care for them & would never want to see them going through this pain & so if its a 'game of odds' i'll take that pain for the 3 of us.... maybe that wont make sense to anyone but me... But in my head it did & it helped me through.

  • keep posting if you need to talk more.... And take care of yourself x x


  • Hi SW2, so sorry for your losses.

    I appreciate you replying and telling your story. It helps me know that I am not alone.

    It is the worst thing to be going through and to know that this isn't happening to just me is a sense I hope that I will get through this.

    Everything you are saying makes perfect sense. My partner would never not listen And would never dismiss what I'm saying. He has dealt with this a lot easier than me. He is very matter of fact. I know the first few days were awful but he has said that he knows now that it wasn't meant to be, at least now we know we can get pregnant and that we will try again. And I know he is right in saying dwelling on it too long isn't healthy, I know he just doesn't want me to feel the pain but I know I am not strong enough to be okay just now. I also know I am not someone who likes to be treated any different and don't want the pity look from people.

    I am so sorry to hear you have gone through this twice, especially hearing a healthy heartbeat and then miscarrying. It literally does feel like someone has punched you in the heart.

    I have a (minute) sense of guilt about taking a lot of time off work but have such a sense of dread about going back it's worrying. My OH says it's probably just the first few days and I know that he is probably right and because he isn't here it will probably help.

    You are having to be a lot stronger as your DH is being deployed, throwing those emotions into your already full bag. I wish him a safe return, he is doing a great service.

    I don't have faith in a god, but I am a believer that what is meant for you won't go by you but I am struggling to listen to myself right now with that. I am meant to be a mother and a damn good one at that. and I know this baby just wasn't strong enough to survive and it's better to find out now than later. It just sucks!

    I think my anxiety about being around people is troubling. The only person I feel safe with is my OH.

    Thank you for replying, hopefully we can talk our way through this and come out the other end, with a beautiful bundle of joy x
  • Absolutely... Whatever you need... Just talk it through x

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