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Down Syndrome heart defect loss

Hello, I'm karen. I've got a beautiful 4 year old girl and lost my baby girl 19 weeks ago.
My DH proposed to me February this year, and we set a date for September this year, but then a week later we found out we were expecting so brought the wedding forward to June.
We found out I was pregnant at the earliest I could have, the test said I was 1-2 weeks. So we plodded along, happily planning our wedding and enjoying our pregnancy. I even felt the baby flutter around 11 weeks onwards, very early to feel it but they do say your more sensitive to feel in your second pregnancy.
So the 12 week scan arrived... We were excited. The scan revealed a substatial amount of fluid around the baby and we were referred for blood tests which inevitably came back as high chance of a syndrome of some sort.
So after lots of deliberation with our consultant we opted for a procedure to take place where they take part of the babies umbilical away to test the chromosomes (CVS). We decided if the baby was downs we would continue with the pregnancy dependant on the severity of any other major organ defects, if any... While we were at the fetal clinic in London (UCH they did an in depth scan to check the organs which showed the baby had 2 major defects in her heart and we were told the baby would most likely not survive the pregnancy.
3 days later the results came back, the baby was Down syndrome with 2 major heart defects.
So we decided to terminate the pregnancy and was booked in at 14 week + 3 days. Totally mind crushing devastation for us.
The day before the procedure, I had quite a large lump of school glue like discharge appear, then had slight cramps and thought nothing more of it. The following day we went to hospital and took the tablet to start me off dialating. We were told I would get slight cramps as I start to dialate and it would take 2 hours to get to 6cm.
Within 30 minutes I was in full blown labour and everyone was in a panic. I was rushed into surgery to have our baby removed.
I lost 2 pints of blood and was kept in over night as I kept fainting.
The following week was a blur... Then I got a call to tell me the further results of the chromosome tests and that the baby was a girl. We called her Christina after my DH's late mother who passed last august.
3 weeks after we lost her we continued with our wedding plans. Beautiful day, hard to put on a brave face but still was beautiful.
Since I lost our baby I've had 1 monthly and trying for another baby.
I'm closely monitoring my ovulation & pregnancy tests... I've even got an app on my phone! Seems I've become a tad obsessed with conceiving.
My doctor has prescribed mild anti depressants for post natal depression and has referred me for counselling which I started last Friday. I opted for a man, I felt if it were a woman I would feel unless she had gone through what I had, she wouldn't understand...
I feel I'm a failure. I couldnt even produce another perfect baby and manage to carry her. Nothing seems positive. My brave face I'm wearing is becoming worn out. I just want my little baby back. Why do I feel so insecure now she's not growing in my tummy! I'm normally a very ambitious independant woman, but I've just lost my drive to do anything right now!
Everywhere I look I see downs people... A constant reminder! And it bloody hurts! It hurts.


looking for others who have experienced this


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