Miscarriage openness
as the title says really, how open were you about your miscarriage?
After our first miscarriage I was open to close friends and family about what had happened but didn't put it out there as such.
After our 2nd today I have been a lot more open, sharing on social media and its been amazing ! I have had friends message with support having been through 1 or more themselves, my oh has had friends message him with support because they'd been there, I've also had a 2 hour conversation with my best friend about it all, she'd never wanted to bring it up before but she felt she could now.
I know everyone's opinions and ways of grieving are different but I felt the openness from my post has been really supportive and healing. I hate that miscarriage is a dirty word and I'm proud that I carried my babies so close to my heart that's where they will stay x
Replies
That's kind of the way I feel about letting people know about a pregnancy early on. If anything does happen you have support and it's still your baby gone but not forgotten so why keep it a secret.
I agree. One of the worst things for me when I found we'd had a mmc was feeling alone as I didn't know anyone who'd had a mc. But once I started talking about it with friends it turned out that quite a number of them actually had.
While we weren't quite as open about it as you (most people at work don't know what happened ) I definitely found talking about it helped me deal with it.
Im currently going through a miscarriage right now as I type this, its my first one and I wasn’t prepared for what would happen.
24th September this year I found out I was pregnant in the morning, it was the happiest day of our lives and I couldn’t believe it when I saw the 2 lines on the test! We hadn’t been trying for long and I fell pregnant pretty fast, we were both so excited as well as our families and everybody was over the moon for us that knew about it. The initial and usual thoughts of “I hope everything will be okay” popped into my head soon after finding out, just as much as any woman would think when they find out. But then I thought “well I’m 24 and I guess I have age in my favour so what could go wrong for me?!“ how naive I was to think that.... I had no idea that 1in4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and unfortunately I fell into that 1. It was on the Wednesday of that same week I had cramps which felt different from the usual ones and my instincts were telling me something was off... I ramg 111 later that evening and went to the hospital to see a doctor. He wasn’t of much help and his first words were “there’s nothing I can do, if it’s a miscarriage then that’s it” although he was right he didn’t seem too bothered about how I was feeling. So, angry and confused we went home just assuming I was being a drama queen and everything was actually okay. The next day I was suffering from cramps just on my right side going up to my ribs, this time I went to my normal gp who then referred me to the EPAU at the hospital for an early scan to check if it was ectopic. We went in the day after that and the scan showed as an empty gest sac, the sonographever thought it was just too early and said I was probably nearly 5 weeks instead of the 6 weeks I thought I was. They then checked my hcg levels which came back at just over 5000 and was asked to have some more on the Sunday to see if they had doubled over a 48 hour period. The nurse who rang with the results said that they were good and she was confident it was too early to detect anything on the scan which reassured me.
sunday soon came and I had my bloods done again, then later the results came back. They had risen but only to 7350... not as much as I’d hoped. The doctor said it was a failing pregnancy and I broke down, we both did. We felt as if we’d hit rock bottom and that our world had come crashing down. ive never seen my partner cry like he did, I never cried so much in my life and was throwing up with the upset and emotional pain. How could this be? My first pregnancy has come to this? i Hadn’t slept much that night and the following morning I was asked for more bloods and a scan. Levels had risen to 8999 and scan showed a possible yolk sac this time. The nurses were confused and it seemed as if there was light at the end of the tunnel, I thought the doctor had it all wrong and I’d proved her that my baby was just a slow grower! I went home clinging to the last bit of hope I had, next day (Tuesday) the nurse rang me and said the consultant had looked at my pictures and reports and was 100% confident that it was in the right place and seemed happy with everything. I honestly thought my luck had turned around, And was asked to go back in 2 weeks for a scan to detect a heartbeat. It was honestly the worst 2 weeks of our lives, the anxiety, the stress, worry etc. My partner was confident it was going to be okay, as was everyone else. The day came for me to get the scan and I was dreading it, part of me knew it was bad news and the other part was expecting it to be good, I pictured texting my family it was all okay, having a photo to go home with, celebrating later on. I was called in almost immediately and laid on the bed to be scammed. The sonographer was checking for ages, prodding and poking but still remaining silent. I knew something was up when she didn’t say anything for a while, she turned to look at me and said “I’m so sorry, I still can’t see anything”. It was like someone had slapped me in the face, although part of me was preparing for it I still couldnt take in what she told me. My partner leant over to hold me and the sonographer grabbed my hand, I just laid there crying, thinking it was a dream and I would wake up. But it wasn’t, it was the cold hard truth. We went into a separate waiting room where a nurse came to see us and discuss the options we had, I decided to go with tablets to induce miscarriage as I didnt Want to wait for it to haplen naturally And the thought of surgery really frightens me.
i went in the following day for the pessary to be popped in and went home with tablets to take orally 6 hours later and painkillers. the cramping started within minutes and then the bleeding followed really quickly. I thought I would be prepared for this by thinking it was a heavy painful period like I used to get, what I felt and saw I was just never prepared for. The pain was crippling, all I could do was crawl around on the floor and scream into sofa cushions. I passed clots the size of my fist which just fell out effortlessly (sorry if tmi), the blood was like something from a horror show and I had already finished a full pack of pads in one evening. I couldn’t move much, talk or anything it was too painful. I couldn’t believe we had lost our baby, even if it was just a ball of cells it was our ball of cells, it was still so special and precious to us and we’d already started to love it so much already. The last couple of days has been rough to say the least, I’m still in pain now and haven’t even brushed my hair I’ve had that little energy. I want to try as soon as we can as it’s something we desperately want so much, I’m just so scared for this time around if it happens again. I’m scared that there might be a problem with us which caused it, i will never be 100% okay until I have my baby sat on my knee so I can hold it.
it upsets me so much to think that it’s on its own, flushed down the toilet or in the bin, it should be with me, it’s mum and it scares me to think it’s lonely and scared. I miss it so much and just want it back, I’ve never experienced heartbreak like this before and I don’t ever want to again.
im sorry to ramble on and make this so long, I just wanted to vent somewhere other than family. Miscarriage needs to be made more aware and us women should be more brave to speak up about it. My heart goes out to people who experience this, it’s not fair and shouldn’t happen. We mustn’t forget about the men who go through this too as they often get forgotten about as attention is focused on us ladies.
i just want to be a mum, and hope that it can happen soon. Seeing success stories really reassures me, if only there was something that could prevent it.
Oh megmeg, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. I know how horrendous it is for you and your partner. Be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to recover.
Just to encourage you, we lost our first to a missed miscarriage but my 6 month old rainbow baby is currently giggling away having cuddles with his daddy. Don't give up hope. Big hugs xx
Meg meg... you are absountely not alone in how you are feeling! I read through your post and it brought back memories for me of feeling the exact same way! The way you describe feeling so sad about your baby being flushed away... I had for the longest time so much upset and guilt over this! I remember sitting on the toilet in absolute agony... after bleeding and extreme pain i very distinctly remember passing the baby (I was 10 1/2 weeks... baby had died at around 6, found out at 9 & sac kept growing until I had the meds to induce the miscarriage at 101/2).... I remember sitting on the toilet & catching the intact sac in a tissue... I remember looking at it & knowing exactly what it was as it was very different from the blood clots & was about the size of an egg. I remember then plopping it in the toilet & flushing. When it was all over this huge sense of guilt and sadness came over me... how could I have done that to my baby?!... it deserved so much better than that etc! In time is started to think clearly about it and understand that I had to forgive myself.. i was not in my right mind at the time... I had been up all night in excruciating pain & absolutely could not think clearly. I prayed to god for forgivene & to look after my little one. In time you will (and must) learn to forgive yourself & think about what a terrible time you were going through & how you dealt with it as best you can.
That was my first pregnancy. I went on to have another mc with my second baby after being reassured and told to stop worrying at my 8 week scan. Second time I opted for a d & c given how painful the meds were & athough that procedure was much better for me, I again felt guilt about what had happened to my baby in the process of taking it out. It doesn’t matter that it has already passed, it feels like a desecration to its poor little body to have that happen.
Anyway.. as I said... you need to forgive yourself & remember that you were doing the best you could.
To reassure you... I went on to have a successful third pregnancy and my son recently turned 2. I feel like such a strong parent because of what we went through to get him & I am thankful that because of the miscarriages I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to have him & to be his mummy! Many parents go through life never appreciating how special that is but I look at him every day & smile & feel so happy & fortunate! i will never forget the pain of my lost babies but what I can tell you for sure is that when you do get to bring baby home with you... every single drop of blood & tears will all seem worth it! I have never cried so much in my life & never experienced pain like with the miscarriages but if I had to go back in time & knew that I would have to go through that to get my little boy I know I would absolutely do it again!
Allow yourself time to grieve... grieve for your baby and for yourselves at the loss of your role as parents for this moment in time. I found it really helped me to make a memory book for my babies... I put in scan pictures & wrote a letter to them talking about when they were conceived, how we felt, when they were ’born’ etc. I wanted to validate their existence in some way & to express how much they were loved from the moment i knew they existed.
Thinking of you meg & if you need to talk please feel free to reply here or message me.
aww meg thinking of you. With my first i started spotting and then almost a week later bleeding and the actual loss. like you when I called 111 about the spotting the doctor was useless, wanted me to jump up and down on the spot to see if I had pain, they kept trying to reassure me about the spotting, it was a blood test at the epu that showed my hcg was very low, I miscarried naturally at home similarly to how you described. With my second (two months later) like you everything seemed fine until I went for an early scan at the epu - they could only see a small sac nothing else and ehen they did the hcg tests they found them to be rising and falling by the slightest amount. I booked for an erpc/d&c - the best choice for me.
The only thing that kept me going the first time was trying again. I got pregnant the very next cycle (ended with My second mc).
This time with the second, they have told us to wait 3 cycles which has been torture, I just keep in my mind that these 3 months I’m healing,I’m now attending execize classes to try and get fitter, I’m preparing my diet, taking all the right supplements. Working hard to prepare ourselves financially. I still have days where it’s too much for my mind to cope with.
dont be afraid to talk about it. Maybe you and your partner need professional councilling, it’s ok to ask for help. Good luck with your future, unfortunately there is little you can do to control what happens but believe one day it will work out even if you have to go through hell to get there
Thankyou so much everyone who has given their kind words, it really does mean a lot. LizzyO, SW2 and meme210 it’s nice how we can talk to each other about it, because as much as people offer their support it’s consoles you to talk to people who have been through the same it’s a different level of understanding. Life is so cruel sometimes and this kind of stuff really makes you appreciate the little things and see what’s important.
To see it as a battle to get something so good from it one day is a good way of looking at it, it’s defiantly helped me thinking like that. The women that just get pregnant and sail through it, I hope they realise just how lucky they are. It’s so unfair how we have to go through this, especially when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly. I guess we just have to stay strong and refuse to let this break us, we can’t give up! I’m now trying to focus my energy on trying again when this is fully over. Counselling is a good idea meme, it would help to talk to a professional its defiantly something to consider.
Im so so sorry to hear of your stories and how you all have suffered the same or similar kind of thing, any kind of loss is heartbreaking and it’s nice how we can support each other on here. I hope that we can all find the light at the end of the tunnel and be successful one day and look back at these horrible times. Time is a great healer I keep telling myself, although we’ll never forget what happened we have to learn to deal with it and move on. I’m still so devastated it’s happened but hopefully next time around it will be good news.
My heart goes out to all of you, sending love your way. Xxxx
Update:
I had to go back to the hospital today as I was still having cramps which were quite severe and bleeding which was on/off heavy. Doctor said it’s an infection and not all of the tissue had passed, brilliant... did an internal swab which was pure agony, felt like I was being stabbed up there and he had to remove what he thought was the sac or part of it. Didnt want to look at it I couldn’t, given me antibiotics and have to go for another ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to check if there’s any more tissue left or not. I’m so worried that it’s a massive complication and could stop me getting pregnant again. It honestly feels like it’s one thing after the other, this month has been hell. Just want it all to be over with I’m so fed up right now.
Aww sorry to hear that meg, the risk was partly why I went for the erpc - that the Experience I had with me first miscarriage. Sending you wishes for your healing.
Thankyou Meme, it’s so bloody frustrating at how long it’s dragging out. Good news is they said that most of it has gone now but theres 12mm of tissue refusing to budge. Doctor is confident it will come away with rest of bleeding in the next few days, she understood what I was going through too as she has had this before. It’s so cruel and awful, just want it to be over with now so we can resume normal life and get back to trying again.
Does an erpc work after the first go then? I was scared of scarring and puncturing, I know it’s only a small risk they keep telling me but lately I’ve seen to have fallen into that small percentage of things going wrong. So fed up with all the pain now
hopefully it’s coming to a draw!
I went for my 1st scan on the 23rd excited to see our baby for the first time only to find out it had died about 6 weeks before. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking experience of our lives. Words cannot express how awful that feeling is and other people will not understand unless they have been through it. The worst part was how my body hadn't accepted the miscarriage so I was still having all normal pregnancy symptoms, I just wish 6 weeks before I had bled or something to not get my hopes up that everything was fine.
I went back to work this a Monday and it was so hard just returning back to "the normal routine" knowing my baby was no longer with me. I'm trying to be strong and have talked to lots of friends and family about it, but it just hits you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it. I am meant to be in work now, but my body is just exhausted, I have the worst headache and feel like I was beaten up in the night, my whole body aches.
I know emotionally this is something I will never get over, just something you learn to accept and move on. But physically how long did people take to feel "normal" again, I just want this baby bump to go as it's too upsetting 😔 How soon did people return back to work?
xxx
So sorry you are going through this curlew. My heart goes out to you... my first mc was very similar to your experience & I cried a little bit just then reading your story and remembering the emotional agony I went through like you. You never ever forget your baby or forget the pain... but you do in time Become strong enough to live with it.
as for the physical stuff... I had terrible headaches for a good 2 or 3 weeks after I had the medication to induce the miscarriage. i believe this is in response to the sudden drop in hormones once the miscarriage process has started. I also had wierd tummy pains for about 2 months (where it felt like i had a bladder infection... a full sort of ache feeling)... again I was told that this was very normal & just your womb recovering from the strain of the miscarriage.
If you have any more questions please feel free to ask. I know with my 1st mc I found it so hard not having information... I just needed to have some answers or at least hear other people’s experiences So I could have an idea of what to expect.
Hi Sw2, thanks for your lovely message and I really feel for you. You have been so strong and so happy you have a wonderful little 2 year old.
i went back to the hospital yesterday to have a final scan and make sure the tablets had worked. Unfortunately they haven't worked at all and everything is still in me 😔 Got to go back to hospital on Monday to have more blood tests and book up the surgery 😔 Just want this to be over so I can grieve properly but it's just dragging it out, it's just so sad to think my little one is still in there just clinging on, poor little baby 😔 Xxx
So sorry to hear that curlew. What i can do is reassure you that the surgery isn’t all that bad compared to what you hve already been through. What I didn’t mention in my last post to you was that after my first mc which was a missed mc like yours, I went on to have a second mc at 9 1/2 weeks before having our son. The second mc I opted to have a d&c straight off after having such a tough time with the medication the first time round (I bled extremely heavily & was in a huge amount of pain & even with all that when they did my blood test a week after I still had hcg in my system which meant I hadn’t passed all the tissue and so I had to take a second lot of meds!)
anyway... so the second mc I went straight for a d&c. While I was sad in some ways that I was asleep & so wasnt aware of when the baby was ‘born’ (sorry if that sounds strange but that’s the best way I can describe how I felt)... physically it was immensely better. I woke up & was hardly in any pain (sorry for the TMI but it felt a little bit sore inside my vagina & in my mrs induced state I told the nurse it just felt like I’d had a session in the sack! 😳). i felt a tiny bit of tummy ache the next day but not even as bad as period pains & not enough to need pain meds. I still got the headaches again for a few weeks after... same as the first... but otherwise, physically, I recovered much better.
Thinking of you & hope the surgery goes ok for you.
*med induced state not ‘mrs‘ induced!
Thanks sw2, and not tmi at all, it's good to know the facts so I know what to expect, hopefully it will all go smoothly so I can grieve and move on properly xx
Hi honey. So sorry to hear that. That's the right attitude. There is no need to hide what happened. You need all the love and support you can get. I am happy you went out there to get it. Much love for you.
Wow! You are really great women. Seriously, you are so much confident to share your story on the social media and other people even after your 2 miscarriages. I think a lot of courage is required in order to be so strong and bold. You approach towards the word miscarriage is really amazing. I love it. I hope your post proves influential for all the other ladies on the forum. Stay fit and keep smiling.
Hi ladies, sorry for bothering you again. I had the surgery on Monday and was only going to take a few days off work, but have had to take the whole week off. It’s now Friday and my tummy is still really sore when I move around, have mostly been in bed. I had heavy bleeding constantly for a few days, and now although I don’t get much in the pad, when I go to the toilet (at least once an hour), i still have really heavy bright red bleeding (sorry tmi!) and lots of it. ive tried calling the hospital but can’t get through to anyone that can help. I would have thought the bleeding would have died down a bit by now and be more brown like a normal period, but its still heavy. I’m worried if this is normal? i thought the surgery would have got most of this out, but clearly not. sorry to ask, but did people get a lot of bleeding after and for how long? Xxx
Hi curlew,
i hardly got any bleeding at all after mine... pretty much just very light spotting for a couple days then that was it. out say you’re in pain, you have a fever? I would see your doc if you are concerned. It may be normal but all I can say is from my experience that is very different.