Being open about miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Im currently going through a miscarriage right now as I type this, its my first one and I wasn’t prepared for what would happen.
24th September this year I found out I was pregnant in the morning, it was the happiest day of our lives and I couldn’t believe it when I saw the 2 lines on the test! We hadn’t been trying for long and I fell pregnant pretty fast, we were both so excited as well as our families and everybody was over the moon for us that knew about it. The initial and usual thoughts of “I hope everything will be okay” popped into my head soon after finding out, just as much as any woman would think when they find out. But then I thought “well I’m 24 and I guess I have age in my favour so what could go wrong for me?!“ how naive I was to think that.... I had no idea that 1in4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and unfortunately I fell into that 1. It was on the Wednesday of that same week I had cramps which felt different from the usual ones and my instincts were telling me something was off... I ramg 111 later that evening and went to the hospital to see a doctor. He wasn’t of much help and his first words were “there’s nothing I can do, if it’s a miscarriage then that’s it” although he was right he didn’t seem too bothered about how I was feeling. So, angry and confused we went home just assuming I was being a drama queen and everything was actually okay. The next day I was suffering from cramps just on my right side going up to my ribs, this time I went to my normal gp who then referred me to the EPAU at the hospital for an early scan to check if it was ectopic. We went in the day after that and the scan showed as an empty gest sac, the sonographever thought it was just too early and said I was probably nearly 5 weeks instead of the 6 weeks I thought I was. They then checked my hcg levels which came back at just over 5000 and was asked to have some more on the Sunday to see if they had doubled over a 48 hour period. The nurse who rang with the results said that they were good and she was confident it was too early to detect anything on the scan which reassured me.
sunday soon came and I had my bloods done again, then later the results came back. They had risen but only to 7350... not as much as I’d hoped. The doctor said it was a failing pregnancy and I broke down, we both did. We felt as if we’d hit rock bottom and that our world had come crashing down. ive never seen my partner cry like he did, I never cried so much in my life and was throwing up with the upset and emotional pain. How could this be? My first pregnancy has come to this? i Hadn’t slept much that night and the following morning I was asked for more bloods and a scan. Levels had risen to 8999 and scan showed a possible yolk sac this time. The nurses were confused and it seemed as if there was light at the end of the tunnel, I thought the doctor had it all wrong and I’d proved her that my baby was just a slow grower! I went home clinging to the last bit of hope I had, next day (Tuesday) the nurse rang me and said the consultant had looked at my pictures and reports and was 100% confident that it was in the right place and seemed happy with everything. I honestly thought my luck had turned around, And was asked to go back in 2 weeks for a scan to detect a heartbeat. It was honestly the worst 2 weeks of our lives, the anxiety, the stress, worry etc. My partner was confident it was going to be okay, as was everyone else. The day came for me to get the scan and I was dreading it, part of me knew it was bad news and the other part was expecting it to be good, I pictured texting my family it was all okay, having a photo to go home with, celebrating later on. I was called in almost immediately and laid on the bed to be scammed. The sonographer was checking for ages, prodding and poking but still remaining silent. I knew something was up when she didn’t say anything for a while, she turned to look at me and said “I’m so sorry, I still can’t see anything”. It was like someone had slapped me in the face, although part of me was preparing for it I still couldnt take in what she told me. My partner leant over to hold me and the sonographer grabbed my hand, I just laid there crying, thinking it was a dream and I would wake up. But it wasn’t, it was the cold hard truth. We went into a separate waiting room where a nurse came to see us and discuss the options we had, I decided to go with tablets to induce miscarriage as I didnt Want to wait for it to haplen naturally And the thought of surgery really frightens me.
i went in the following day for the pessary to be popped in and went home with tablets to take orally 6 hours later and painkillers. the cramping started within minutes and then the bleeding followed really quickly. I thought I would be prepared for this by thinking it was a heavy painful period like I used to get, what I felt and saw I was just never prepared for. The pain was crippling, all I could do was crawl around on the floor and scream into sofa cushions. I passed clots the size of my fist which just fell out effortlessly (sorry if tmi), the blood was like something from a horror show and I had already finished a full pack of pads in one evening. I couldn’t move much, talk or anything it was too painful. I couldn’t believe we had lost our baby, even if it was just a ball of cells it was our ball of cells, it was still so special and precious to us and we’d already started to love it so much already. The last couple of days has been rough to say the least, I’m still in pain now and haven’t even brushed my hair I’ve had that little energy. I want to try as soon as we can as it’s something we desperately want so much, I’m just so scared for this time around if it happens again. I’m scared that there might be a problem with us which caused it, i will never be 100% okay until I have my baby sat on my knee so I can hold it.
it upsets me so much to think that it’s on its own, flushed down the toilet or in the bin, it should be with me, it’s mum and it scares me to think it’s lonely and scared. I miss it so much and just want it back, I’ve never experienced heartbreak like this before and I don’t ever want to again.
im sorry to ramble on and make this so long, I just wanted to vent somewhere other than family. Miscarriage needs to be made more aware and us women should be more brave to speak up about it. My heart goes out to people who experience this, it’s not fair and shouldn’t happen. We mustn’t forget about the men who go through this too as they often get forgotten about as attention is focused on us ladies.
i just want to be a mum, and hope that it can happen soon. Seeing success stories really reassures me, if only there was something that could prevent it.