Am i a awful person, i need some advice
So iv just had my second silent miscarriage august 2017 after going into a&e twice they scanned me 6w and found heart beat then after bleeding scanned 6w 3days no heart beat.
I chose to miscarrying naturally which went on for a total of 8 weeks which was horrendous. The midwife who spoke to me when i found out i had miscarried refered me to the gyno (who usually sees people if they miscarry 3 times) she was lovely abd send me off for 6 blood tests. 6 weeks later i returned to be told all came back negative and i should be back on folic acid and take 75mg asprin when i miss my period (but im taking it now).
There are two girls at work due jan and im over the moon for them. We have a friend who announced hers the same time as we would announce our 12 week that iv managed to avoid as i cant bare it. And now my partners brothers just told him his gf is 10 weeks and i feel awful because im not happy for them at all. I feel cold hearted but im really gutted and spent the past 2 dsys in tears.So xmas day we are supposed to go to his mams in the morning for dinner - and iv said im now not going. I cant sit there and hold back tears and pretend to be excited or happy for them when im not im just jealous. All i can think about is how that should be us, i should be 6/7month at xmas and im not. He said he understands but i dont feel like he does, he has a little girl to an ex and only been through one miscarriage as my other one was years ago with a previous partner. He is pissed off with me and confused because he wants us to go to dinner and i just cant. Im sure his mam will understand as she knows, and his brother will just think we have changed plans or that im not well. I dont want them to know the real reason and feel uncomfortable. (They dont know about the miscarriage)
Iv even told him to go alone with his little girl and il stay home alone for xmas cs i cant face it at all.
Also he works away and my ovulation days are weekdays and he works away during the week so i dont know when itl happen next for us and im terrified itl be unsuccessful again.
Sorry for rambling - i dont know anyone at home in this kind of position let alone been through it.
Someone please give me head a wobble and tell me im not the selfish horrible person i feel like ruining xmas
Oh and to top it off i received a letter from the hosp maternity unit last week letting me know changes as its coming upto my due date? Kick in the teeth