I lost my baby boy (Jaxson) at 20 weeks and 2 days

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On Sunday, May 27th, I was at dinner with my husband and his family.  I felt something run down my legs and realized it was blood.  Up until that moment, my pregnancy had been perfect.  I was 20 weeks and a day.  Always heard a strong heartbeat on my baby boy and always saw him moving on the ultrasounds.

An ambulance rushed me to the hospital, I was so scared. The doctor did an ultrasound and we were able to see him move and heard his heartbeat. I felt relieved.  The doctor told me that he would need to have a more in depth ultrasound done to find out what caused the bleeding.  When the second uttatsound was complete, the doctor came into my hospital room And told us that he had some bad news.  my cervix was 4.5cm dilated and I would be giving birth to my baby.  I wasn’t having contractions yet but within the hour they started.  Everything felt so surreal, I didn’t understand what was happening. The doctor put me on morphine for the pain but it was still so intense.  Then he told me that since the baby was only 20 weeks and 2 days gestation, they would not be able to save him.  I was devestated.  About an hour later, the doctor ordered an epidural for the pain. I sadly gave birth to my stillborn son.  We had him in the hospital room and was able to hold his body and say our goodbyes.  It was the single most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.  We made cremation arrangements for my Jaxson Tieg.  This happened 6 days ago and I can’t stop crying.  I miss him so badly and wish that my little boy had a chance at life.  I don’t understand why this happened to us and I’m so distraught.  I wish someone could say something that could take this pain away...

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  • Hun I’m so sorry :( I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are going through, I once saw a babies grave stone that had this written on it, I’m not religious and I don’t know if you are but i hope it helps a tiny bit xxxxxx

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  • He is beautiful and will never be forgotten Mama. I am so sorry for everything and wish that the pain will be breif. I know he will always be in your heart, sending all my love 💙

  • Oh Im so so sorry hun I am deeply saddened by your loss of your beautiful son. I lost my little boy Oliver at 20 weeks after recognising reduced movements also born sleeping :( 2 days on a maternity unit and time to say goodbye to our angel baby leaving with empty arms and a heavy heart will never ever leave us. No words will ever take your pain away my lovely but I can promise you month by month then week by week you very slowly move forwards, piece your life back together slowly and begin to cry less. I visit my little boy at our local crematorium luckily only a 5 minute walk away. I find it calming & peaceful ❤️

    My husband got me a gorgeous soft baby rabbit in the hospital shop and it sits on my bed and we bought an ornament that has pride of place in our home & of course as I’m sure you have a little box of memories from the hospital.

    keep Strong and keep talking things through with your partner my hubby was my rock. We took 3 weeks off together to grieve and talk everything through including trying again etc we had a berievment midwife whom was amazing and I found this forum which helped pull me through my darkest days.

    love and hugs to you I’m thinking of you xxx 

  • Thank you for your responses. Having my husband by my side and supporting each other when either of us have bad moments is so important.  It helps us get through the day.  I just miss my Jaxson so much.  I think of what he could have been and that he never had a chance and it breaks my heart.  I know that it may get easier to deal with but at this moment, it feels like that would take an eternity.  We talk about tying again and I hope that one day we will have a healthy baby 💙. 

  • Good luck Nali it’s great you are supporting each other so important 😊

    I hope you get your rainbow baby very soon and when you do decide to try and you fall pg you will be monitored more closely xxx

  • Unfortunately, your last experience was not good but now don't lose hope dear.you are okay with it now. Just relax and don't be hopeless. This time all will be good for you just keep in touch with your doctor and follow all the instructions. You need to be more careful this time and no need to worry at all. Being a mother is a very good feeling so just think about that because thinking affects your psyche and just be brave now. Just take a healthy diet and also make some beneficial exercise according to the doctor's advice. Hope you will understand and just be positive now. Wish you best of luck.

  • It’s the due date tomorrow of my sleeping baby born in March at 20+3. I feel I can relate so much to you and I really hope you’re doing ok. My baby boy, Jacob, his heart had stopped at my 20 week scan and as you know, unfortunately, the pain is unbearable. I feel cheated of my baby boy, and I wish more than anything, things could’ve been different. The grief is still overwhelming and I still cry most days. It is getting easier to some degree because I have to be strong for my other 2 children but the pain it has caused the whole family is indescribable. 

    I hope things continue to get ever so slightly easier for you each day and that you get your rainbow baby that will bring you comfort and immense joy.xxxx

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