Missed my period and thought it was stress related. Started to feel very sick in the mornings and boyfriend said perhaps you're pregnant. No way not at my age(47) completely dismissed it and carried on with life. Second period nothing. Now I really started to panic and walked around boots for a good hour deciding on if I should buy a pregnancy test. I finally did. Went home and I sat staring at the stick to say negative but there in front of my eyes was positive 3+. I was shaking and crying in disbelief. Told my boyfriend who was over the moon. I did 3 more tests because I wouldn't believe that I was pregnant. The following days, were sore boobs, morning sickness and the start of a baby bump. I couldn't shake this awful feeling of something awful was going to happen especially being a older mom. I was constantly in a worried state. My boyfriend wanted to tell the world but I said lets have the scan first. Had my midwife appointment and they give you loads of information about your journey in pregnancy. The next days was awful waiting for the scan. My very excited and happy boyfriend dropped me at the door because of the situation with the coronavirus I had to go on my own. I waited for them to call my name and was in tears when they did. The gel was applied and I laid there waiting for her to speak but she didn't. I said it's something bad but she still wouldn't answer. She then said she needs to do a internal scan. After a few minutes she said I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat.There on the screen was the sack with a fetus but no movement. I got up looking at my baby bump and cried. There was no signal inside the hospital to tell my boyfriend. Telling him was the hardest part because he was so happy to be a dad for the first time. I was sent upstairs to see a doctor and she explained my options. I don't think I heard a word she said and just sat there numb. My boyfriend was still outside waiting happy in the car. I was heartbroken to tell him. I lovely nurse walked me to get a signal. I was crying and he couldn't understand me. So came inside. I broke down when I saw him. I keep on saying I'm so sorry it's my fault. That bottle of wine I had and not healthy eating before I found out I was pregnant. This all happened yesterday. We cried together for hours. I can't get my head around how I can be pregnant but not pregnant at the same time. My body screams I'm pregnant. Now I've got to decide what to do next and phone the hospital. So I'm sat here looking at my bump whilst my boyfriend sleeps but knowing it's passed away. Ive never felt such grief before. I really feel for anyone who's gone through this. I can't look at the sadness in my boyfriends face. I think I'm always going to blame myself for being so stressed out and afraid. Pregnancy should be a happy time with a happy ending. I don't think I'll ever be the same person again.