Forum home Pregnancy Miscarriage & pregnancy loss

missed misscarage and ERPC

Hi I found out last week that I had had a missed misscarrage. I went for my 12 weeks scan but the baby had died at 9 weeks. I had had the tiniest amount of brown spotting just once when I was 9 weeks and I guess it must have been then. I am very blessed to already have three children but the grief and loss i feel at losing this baby is overwhelming. I have had a lot of support from friends but I just dont want to see anyone and want to hide away. I am so sad right now, this is the hardest thing I have ever been through. When I went to the hospital on Saturday for my ERPC I cried so much, I didn't want them to take my baby away from me even though my loigcal brain was telling me that the baby had already died i couldnt bear it.

Anyway now I am consumed with wanting to try straight away for another baby. Has anyone felt this way? I am still bleeding quite heavily and don't know how long i will keep bleeding. I am desperate for it to stop. Does anyone have any views on whether it is better to wait a few months before trying or if it would be okay to try straight away. I know that some doctors say wait 3 months others say as soon as you stop bleeding. I am so confused as to what to do.

Anyone who has been through this I would love to hear ffrom as I am finding it really hard right now and it is all I think about
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Replies

  • hye hun, am so sorry to hear what has happened, it was the same with me but our bean died at about 8 ish weeks, i too had had the tiniest about of brown spotting at about that time, i spoke to my GP and she had said there would be nothing to worry about. i had also seen my beans heartbeat at 6 + 7 weeks. My belief is that if your body isn't ready it won't happen,. we started ttc again straight away, it gave me some thing to focus on which helped, my body did some randome things the first 3 cycles so it was obviously still healing, i am now 6 1/2 months down the line and am in the 2ww of this cycle, for some it happens quickly, others need a bit of time, u have to do what feels right for you. xx
  • Hello Jacquid,

    Im so so sorry hun to hear your sad news, no body should have to go through mc its truely awful.

    we lost our baby at the end of nov, like you I didnt want the baby to leave me, infact at first I didnt want anyone near me as I didnt want the "process" to start. I thought that I could pretend I hadnt heard the news and it would all be okay. looking back it was all shock that took over.

    I also wanted to try straight away - when I went back into hospital I was dicussing it with hubbie. we were told a mixture of things from waiting for the 1st AF, or waiting for a least 2 af's or wait at least 3 months.

    I bled for 8 weeks (had medical management as we lost our baby at 17 weeks) - so hopefully I am a one off and you wont bleed for as long as I did. As I had bled for so long I was so frutrastrated and felt that time was slipping so there was no way I could wait for at least 3 cycles to come and go. we decided that after the bleeding had stopped we would casually start trying. Af then turned up (im on CD 12 now) so we have properly been trying for the last week or so.

    From what I can gather as long as there are no complications (infections etc) then there is no medical reason for you not to start trying. Obv the emotional side may take a little while, so when ever you and your oh feel ready x

    surround yourself with love and support hun, its now 11 weeks since my mmc and things do get better.

    sorry i couldnt give you a definately answer as to what is medically right - but thought Id just share what we had been told and what advice we have followed.

    lots of love

    pb

    x x x
  • Just wanted to send you hugs hun and say that I am thinkin of you xx
  • Just wanted to send you hugs hun and say that I am thinkin of you xx
  • Hi, I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. It's an awful time.
    I had a mmc and erpc almost 5 weeks ago. My immediate reaction was to be pregnant asap. My GP said there was no reason why I couldn't try as soon as I stopped bleeding but as the days went on I kinda decided I wanted an AF. Even though DH and I carried on as normal and took no precautions we didn't actually 'try' as such. My AF came 30 days later and I'm now feeling positive about trying again now I feel my body has come full circle if that makes any sense?!
    You need to do what ever feels right for you. xx
  • sorry about what you went through ...know how it feels boo! but i too have three kids eldest 17 then 10 and nearlt 9.im 38 and wanted that last wee full stop.but like that never worked out till maybe this time.i was obsessed with trying again .its normal to feel like that for first eight weeks or so.i know it sounds blah blah but last month took time out and had a blast and it looks like it worked.rest up hun and think of yourself first.let us know how you arexxxxxx
  • Thanks everyone for your replies, it helps to know others have been where I am now and understand. It feels so hard to talk to people who havn't experienced it. They do try and be supportive but they dont know what to say and dont really want to listen. I tried to tell my midwife I thought something was wong when I had the brown discharge but she said it would all be okay. I guess deep down I sensed there was something not right then.

    I definately want to try again, I feel that time is precious as I dont want there to be a big gap between my youngest and hopefully the next. I am also terrified of the thought of having to go through this again. Are you guys worried that because it has happened it will happen again?

  • We are all here for you huni,
    We sadly have all been there, although some of us have had slightly different experiences.
    I am also terrified about it happening again but long to be a mum.
    Please feel free to lean on us when you need us, don't always have the answers but here for you x
  • Hi hun, just wanted to say I am so sorry. I hope you're OK.
    I was the same as you at my ERPC - I cried so much when it was over, and i felt like a bad mother as I thought it was a horrible thing to do to my baby. I bled for about 10 days afterwards, but only the first 3 days or so were really heavy. Then it settled down and was light.
    As for trying again - we were told to wait till I've had one normal period. We're going to wait longer than that though, as we're now in australia for a year and i don't really want to be unable to travel back due to being so pregnant, or to have to transport a newborn back to the UK, if we're lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy. So we're going to wait until July before trying again. I think you have to do what feels right for you - it's different for everyone.
    It is really hard, going through something like this. Something people have said to me is to go with your feelings. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like shouting (and you will) then shout. Just remember to talk to your hubbie endlessly about how you feel and what's going on in your head. Otherwise it's tempting just to close yourself off.
    Good luck hun, and take care of yourself.
    Mary xxx
  • Thanks again everyone for all the replies, it is so nice to be able to talk to people who understand me. I guess I have closed myself off abit, my hubbie is very supportive but he is not a big talker and prefers to just go about his day as normal (it is his way of dealing with it) unfortunatly I am the opposite and want to talk about it again and again. I guess you will all understand although i desperately want to keep talking i dont want to talk to people who have not been there!. I am feeling quite distant from friends and although I know they care after the initial calls I seem to have turned into a leper as no one is really calling. I guess it is hard for them too to know what to say.

    Pinkorblue let me know what happens I hope everything is okay. I totally understand why you are trying again I feel that I want to too but am still bleeding fairly heavily at the moment. I had my op on Saturday and it is Thursday today so Im really hoping that soon it will calm down. I think I will do a pregnancy test at the weekend to see if it is negative too. That is going to be a horrible experience. i hope it doesnt come up as positive that would really upset me. Perhaps I should wait a bit longer? Oh I am so confused about everything. AAHH

    Thanks everyone for the support it has helped so much xx

  • I know how you feel not wanting to talk to people who haven't been there. I didn't understand what it was like before I had a miscarriage, so I know that they can't. Some of my friends are being really good, but others seem to have disappeared. I'm not sure if it's because they don't know what to say, or because they think I should be "over it" by now, as if it's something in the past and therefore shouldn't bother me anymore. I find that with my husband, he will never bring it up, or talk much about it when I do, as he doesn't talk much about things that bother him anyway, just prefers to go about life as normal, but he does listen, and at least he knows what's going on in my head. Keep trying to talk to him, it really does help. And this forum is full of ladies who (sadly) know how you feel and have lots of helpful advice.
    I hope your bleeding settles down soon, I know it's not pleasant. I haven't POAS at all, but lots of ladies on here have said that they've had +ve results till they stopped bleeding at least. Maybe wait till the bleeding stops to save your heart a bit?
    Take care of yourself
    Mary xxx
  • Thanks Mary, your husband sounds very similar to mine, he wouldn't talk about it at all now if i didn't bring it up but like you said with your husband mine never talks about any thing that bothers him. Guess alot of men are quite withdrawn emotionally. But he does listen to me and he understands my need to talk. Thanks for the advice about the pregnancy test I think I will wait until the bleeding has stopped and then do one. Every day just seems so long at the moment!
  • Hello my love

    I am so sorry that you have had this experience - it is so similar to what happened to me. The weekend before my 12 week scan I just knew something was wrong and spent 48 hours trying desperately to get the NHS to listen to me. Then on the Monday at my scan they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had an ERPC the same day, which I am eternally grateful for, and come home feeling hollow and shell shocked.

    That was at the end of September and although like you I just wanted to be pregnant again ASAP! in the end we waited for a while which was the right thing for me to do cos I needed time to grieve.

    Totally know what you mean about finding people who you can talk to - I would have gone mad if it hadn't been for these wonderful ladies. My hubby is like yours and so he just sort of got on with his life and he got over it fairly quickly. I have had conversations with a couple of close friends but I didn't want to be too doom and gloom about it all so never really got it off my chest with them. My mum has been the one who I have been most honest with - she had a mc in between me and my brother and she has just been marvellous about it. Good old mum!!!

    Anyhow we started ttc again at Chrimbo and we fell pregnant on our second cycle - I cannot believe how lucky I have been in that respect. It is scary to be pregnant again but also exciting - but I don;t think I would have been able to deal with it as well if I had fallen straight after my mmc so I am glad that we waited as I feel stronger now.

    I hope that hearing other people's stories is a comfort to you - my best advice would be to feel what you need to feel, regardless of how negative those feelings are (I felt angry, resentful, jealous), give yourself time to grieve and always, always, remember that the BE girls are here for you.

    xxSara
  • Thanks Sara, that is such good news for you, its great it only took two cycles I am so worried that it will take us ages. Yes it is really helpful to know other peoples stories it makes me feel that I am notalone and im not going insane. Let me know how you get on

    Jacqui x
  • Just had a text from my friend asking if 'i was better now'. I know she only meant well but I felt like screaming. It feels as though people think it is just like having a routine operation and only takes a few days to recover from it. I didnt know how to reply so just said i was a bit sad but fine. Complete lie, im devastated just dont think people can understand this!!

    AAAHHH

    Jacqui
  • Hiya sweetie!
    Sorry to hear about your news. I had a mmc at 12 weeks too and my littleone died at 8+4. I had my ERPC on 13th Jan and bled for 16 days. Finally got a BFN when I stopped bleeding. My AF turned up 32 days after the op and I am now on cd6 and looking forward to start ttc this cycle. My GP told me there is no reason why you should wait to start ttc if you feel ready to. Apparently you are little more fertile the first few months after a mc. Just to pre-warn you I got a little emotional the first time we tried after the op so be prepared to be up and down. I am now 5 weeks on and still have low days. People have said to me recently 'its so good you are over it now' I have started to be brave and tell them its not a cold and I am not sure if I will ever be over it. I have also lied to people about how I am feeling just to make it easier for them. The ladies on here are lovely and you can always let rip on here and be honest about your feelings and emotions! Look after yourself sweetie! You are on my thoughs and prayers and I hope you are not in this forum for long!
  • its only been 1 week since my d&c (ercp) and i have just had spotting on and off since, but it has been quite painful when i have spotted. i have a r/v appt in 1 week (2 weeks after d&c) and i was told no bd'ing, swimming, or baths until after that due to the infection risk. as much as i want to ttc again asap, im undecided as to whether to wait for af first or not - tbh im scared of getting pregnant again at the moment as i dont know how i'd deal another mc. i havent poas yet to see if im back to -ve, i think it'd upset me to get a bfp at the moment so id rather not know.

    my husband is the same as well, he doesnt communicate his feelings much. i can tell he is upset tho. i think he views it differently to me as when he was 10, his mum had a still birth, so he views that as losing a baby, even though to me my 7weeks 'foetus' was still a baby to me and always will be my 1st.

    thinking of u. xxx
  • PinkandBlue, what a nightmare at the doctors, sounds like they were really unhelpful. Hopefully your bleeding should stop soon it must be soo frustrating for you. I am still bleeding pretty heavily and its only been 6 days I cant imagine how im going to feel if im still bleeding at 14 days like you. I was wondering how you got on but sounds like you have come away no further along. I did read a post where a lady bled for 16 days and then got her first AF 32 days after the op. Hopefully you might find the bleeding will stop within this next week.

    Pretty pink, I completely understand how you feel about your lost baby. I lost mine at 9 weeks and I think some people think that it was so early but it was still a baby and still a life lost. I wish people could understand this.

    Take care everyone and lets keep our fingers crossed that soon everything will settle down and we will be on our way to a new baby

    Jacqui
    xx
  • Hi just wondering if anyone did or brought anything when they lost their baby as a reminder. I read on the Misscarriage Association leaflets that people plant trees etc. I had the thought that maybe I would buy a ring to wear always, abit like my wedding ring something that would be with me everywhere i go and would remind me of my little one that i lost. I asked at the hospital if there was anyway they could tell me if it was a boy or girl but they couldn't. I wish I could of given my baby a name and may still do , perhaps one that could be either sex.

    Anyway my husband thinks a ring is a bad idea in case i lose it. We are doing our garden in the spring and he suggested getting some kind of garden ornament to put in as a reminder.

    What do you ladies think? Any ideas

    Thanks

    Jacqui
    xx
  • Jacqui I think a plant would be a lovely idea especially if you are not planning to move. An ornament would be better if you may move as that is easier to move and it will not die. I have kept the few things I had related to my baby - the test, my notes and the cards I was sent after ERPC in a little box and I may buy a necklace to wear in memory too.
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