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Have you lied about how you feel?
Hello
Just wondering if any of you find yourselves saying 'yeah I'm ok', when someone asks how you are feeling, even though you actually aren't 'ok' and feel like shit?
I went for a meal with the girls from work this afternoon and even though I feel really down and crap, when they asked how I was I just said 'yeah I'm not too bad thanks', when I actually wanted to say 'well tbh I feel shit, I feel like crying constantly and can't believe I have lost my precious baby'. Why?!?!?!
Is it our way of coping with it by just pretending we are ok when we're not? or do we sub-conciously not want to upset our friends by being brutally honest?
Has anyone else done this, or is it just me?
xxxxx
Just wondering if any of you find yourselves saying 'yeah I'm ok', when someone asks how you are feeling, even though you actually aren't 'ok' and feel like shit?
I went for a meal with the girls from work this afternoon and even though I feel really down and crap, when they asked how I was I just said 'yeah I'm not too bad thanks', when I actually wanted to say 'well tbh I feel shit, I feel like crying constantly and can't believe I have lost my precious baby'. Why?!?!?!
Is it our way of coping with it by just pretending we are ok when we're not? or do we sub-conciously not want to upset our friends by being brutally honest?
Has anyone else done this, or is it just me?
xxxxx
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Replies
I hate it when my mil asks how I am feeling. She had a mc before having my hubby, and keeps telling him that she "knows" what I am going through. But we have a bad relationship, I don't trust her at all and I doubt very very much that she has the self-awareness that I do, so I really doubt that she has any idea how I feel. When she asks (which is rarely) how I am I suddenly get really chipper and say "Oh yeah I'm good thanks", when I'm clearly not.
I agree with Huni that if you admit how lousy I feel there is the massive chance that I will just break down in front of them, and as moonandstars said, it makes everyone around us feel better if we are ok. But why do we do it? why do we feel it is our obligation to humour people around us and make them feel better?
I think a lot of older women i.e. mil, THINK they know how you are feeling, but in their day things were so different, they just got on with it and had another and forgot about it, as I don't think this was really discussed then. Nowadays more and more women are going through this nightmare and actually mourning for our lost babies, so I don't think your mil does know how you feel cos she probably didn't mourn the baby the way we do now, I might be wrong though.
I'm just really beggining to get fed up of making everyone around me feel better, and people saying 'oh you can have another one', even when they do have the best of intentions.
Think perhaps honesty is going to be my policy from now on, if I feel crappy and someone asks then I'm just going to tell them, if it makes them feel down I know they certainly wont feel even close to how bad I feel.
I know what you mean about feeling like your heart has been ripped out as well, and I know I'm lucky that I have Harrison and I think this has made me really appreciate having him and to realise how so very lucky I am, even if my heart is in a zillion pieces.
xxxxxxx
them??), and no i wasn't overly chatty but she was stood in front of me wearing a "Mr Bump" stay off my bump t-shirt and I couldn't face looking at it. Then she kept saying, "are you alright, you don't seem alright, what's up with you?" What I wanted to say was "I'll tell you whats up with me, my son died 12 weeks ago when i was 6 months pregnant and here you are stood in front of me flaunting all your pregnant glory, now p!55 off!!!" But what I really said is, "yes, i'm fine, just a bit busy!" and smiled nicely. I know it's not her fault, but some people just don't think!! I think we just say we're fine so that other people don't feel awkward. Always looking out for others eh! xx
Most people wait for me to bring subject up but my MIL does ask me how I am but I automaticall say fine as i don't want to discuss it.
She has many many positive qualities but her downfall is that she doesn't think before she speaks. She has suggested my ectopic was caused by my laptop and described in very graphic detail her miscarriage and what it looked like when is passed, now what you want to hear when you think you may be losing your precious baby.
We had a reading at our wedding that said "I like you because when i'm sad, you don't try and cheer me up, sometimes it's good to be sad" and it's so right.
Sorry, gone off on one! I completely stuggle to tell people how devestated I am.
Dotty, I can't believe how insenstive that girl was. What planet are these people on x x x
Mafia, I'm glad your mil isn't my mil, I think I could quite possibly have fallen out with her over that.
I'm at hubby's work xmas party tonight, not drinking or anything just think I could do with a couple of hours away from the house to break my routine and hopefully take my mind off everything, so here's hoping that my honesty doesn't ruin a nice evening, lol
xxxxx
My mum tells me off if I tell her anything negative or someting like that. She actually welcomed me in the world of adults for having to deal with these sort of feelings. Needless to say, whenever I talk to her I am feeling great and it all behind me.
So it depends who I speak to. My oh knows most of it, but still not everything. With Michael waking over night, my oh spends the night in the spare room, so he doesn't know I cry during the night or lay awake all the time. But he knows that I feel mostly bad and is extra sweet to me.
Can I trade my mum for my MIL?
Sammy, we did fall out with MIL about the laptop thing. My hubby was brilliant and told her she was very insensitive and explained exactly why in every way until she understood.
She is actually a very kind and generous lady but her life is her children to the point we have to remind her that we are actually 31 and not 5! Her heart is genuineley in the right place but she does at times come out with the most stupid things. She doesn't do it to be malicious in anyway, it's just that she doesn't think and can be very upsetting.
x x x
So anyhoo I have wrestled with this for ages, but generally I don't tell them about the mmc, cos frankly I can't be arsed with the hassle of talking to them about it in terms of "being positive" and "it just wasn't meant to be" and all those other cliches that you have to trot out so as not to upset other people.
I gave the ritual responses of 'it just wasn't meant to be' and 'everything happens for a reason', but at least they knew I was feeling crap but that I wouldn't upset them with the details and make them feel too awkward.
Moonandstars, I have only told 1 friend who didn't know I was even pregnant that I've had a mc as we used to be quite good friends and he text to see how I was and I just told him. I haven't really bothered with anyone else though, as like you, I can't be bothered going into it in detail with everyone, it's hard enough dealing with it with the people ho do know.
Has anyone noticed how when you see people now they give you a pitying look? like a small child who has hurt themselves? or is it just me?
xxxxx
only other people who ask me how I am now (3months on) are bro's fiance and MIL, who've both had MC's. MIL I say I'm ok, as she is wonderful but loves me to bits, and cried when we told her I was pg, and just think her getting emotional would make me worse. bro's fiance I tell. also one friend knows and I can tell him how I'm really feeling. No-one else ever asks. guess that's either an indication that they'd feel awkward or they don't want to upset me?
So tbh, I find it better to say I'm fine then I don't end up feeling pretty annoyed from the above responses!
xxx
Think we all pretend to be fine then. 6 wks since my mc and i dont feel fine but say iam. Its just the easier option isnt it and tbh people just aint realy interested are they. Totally pisses me off that people think we can just get over a mc like its nothing when infact its a massive horrible thing for a woman to go through. Aaaargh and when people said to me its prob cos of my age i lost baby its so upsetting. ( im 44 ) I think what a bloody cheek. Like i dont know that is a possibility eh ! Thank God we have this forum. It has bn a huge help to me and everyone is so lovely and understanding x x take care hunni x x
I also feel guilty if I seem too okay! I thats why i say good/bad ect x
I went back to work last week and they have been surprisingly wonderful. here's a little story for you..
2 of the policeofficers sat by my desk eating muffins so I went up to the kitchen to get a chocolate muffin (to cheer myself up!) and there was a colleague in the kitchen he asked how I was and I replied with "Im okay" - and he said to me "what you really mean is you feel like sh it but have to keep on going" and then he gave me a hug. it was lovely that soene was being completely honest with me and wasnt scared to "set me off".
anyway, there were no muffins left to i sulked back to my desk. that afternoon the bloke who said that i feel like s hit came up to me with the biggest chocolate muffin i have ever seen - he'd gone out to the shops esp for me.
i just thought it was so sweet and really thoughtful, it was just the simplest of things (what he said, the hug and the muffin) but it made such the difference.
Ive found that some people are not even mentioning anything, which gets me more upset than if they do mention the mc.
sorry for babbling