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Not Again! :cry:
Hi ladies...
First of all i must appologise....appologise as this is likely to be another long 'i feel sorry for myself again' post but offloading on here helps as its not like i have anyone else to talk to....
I just wish my mum was here, i miss her so much!
It will be a year in September since she died and i dont know where time has gone this year i think its just because so much bad stuff has happened and its been spent waiting as well.....
I just wish she was here to talk to and tell me that everything is going to be ok (even though i know it wont be) i am now VERY worried that there is something seriously wrong with me following my mc and im so scared that i am now left infertile or that i have something seriously wrong with me like cervical cancer (i havent had a smear for 5 years!) yes i am being a hyperchondriac but i just feel so fed up with life just now with everything....
As you all know by now im sure this is my 5th cycle since my mmc in March and my 3rd trying to get pregnant - the first few months from CD 22-27 i have had yucky brown spotting and then my af starts but they have been lighter and much less painful than before my pregnancy then last month i had no af for about 7 weeks but on CD16-21 i had bright red spotting for 5 days as if it was some sort of mini af and then when my proper af eventually came it was quite heavy and painful (still not what it was pre pregnancy but most like it) and i was hopefully that things were finally getting back on track and EPU told me it can take 3-6 months for things to settle but i took my first af four weeks after medical management and actually thought i was 'lucky' of course the first few months i thought this spotting could be implantation espec as every month i have driven myself crazy ss with sore boobies, nausea, heartburn, cramps etc clearly which have all been in my mind....
Although my cycles seem to have been the old 27/28 days between full flow the fact that the spotting is from CD23 suggests a LP defect right? and therefore no chance of getting pregnant! I havent been to my doctors yet as i changed to the local one when i was pregnant to get an early scan and i dont think they were very good but i havent really been - my old doctor was lovely and i would have went straight away but i thought i would wait and see what happens each month and give it the 6 as i we got pregnant first month trying in Januray so there clearly wasnt a problem then! The EPU gave me 3 or 3 scans after passing everything and all looked clear and i had bloods done as i was in a bit of pain a bit later but there was no sign of infection anywhere. However, i have noticed that when BDing it can be a bit uncomfortable sometimes and i thought it was just down to me being a little apprehensive but it was never painful before and my hubby thinks i 'feel' different now too? ![:\](https://forum.madeformums.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
? Its not massive discomfort and usually goes away and i dont have any bleeding etc but this with the breakthrough bleed last month made me imagine all sorts. I planned to have a smear test done at the same time as going to the docs and can only get one on my day off....which will now be 2 weeks yesterday as i am hoping my period has been and gone before then and i am going to go to the docs on the same day. Theres clearly still a problem and i can only think its a hormonal one and while i know they wont do tests yet it will be my 6th cycle and i need to talk to someone and feel like i am doing something.
Has anyone had any experience of fertility tests etc in a private setting as we would even pay for tests if its possible to have them done?
Anyway this month i have made a conscious effort not to think about af or fertile times and i had 12 days off work and me and hubby went away and had lovely food and a nice relaxing time and we got our new car and new sofas and decorated our living room so i have kept busy (the sofas are a joke though as one is damaged and the drivers broke my bannister too and we are not getting a refund until sofas are picked up end of next week which means more sitting on the floor which we have been doing since Sunday and they said a 15 week wait for a replacement after waiting 9 for them to come so im going to have to look for another one and will have at least an 8 week wait argh but thats another story)
When i passed CD17 with no breakthrough spotting and then CD22 with no brown i was even more hopeful...i have felt very nauseaus this month, had bad heartburn, fluttery pains, mad cramps, weird dreams, lotiony and wet creamy cm and lots of other 'symptoms' which i have passed off as psychological but i really thought we had a good chance this month as i hoped after last month things were getting back to normal and we BD practically every day! I wasnt expecting to get pregnant this month but i was hoping that at least my cycle would be back to 27/28 days with only a day of spotting as i always did get that but not im so paranoid about my cycle lengths and whats happening!(
This morning when i went to the loo,,,there it was the familiar streak of browny/red on the paper which has haunted me every month since April....i dont think i am ovulating i keep getting bad crampy pains round about CD13/14 most months also but i dont think i got them last month so i think maybe my body (or at least the left had side) is trying to ovulate and cant hence the pain? I know some peple get ov pain but it can last anywhere between 2 and 12 hours and feels like a very painful stitch i suppose and so i was hoping that would go away too as at first i tried to tell my self it was ov pain...anyway i knew when i had that that i wouldnt get pregnant this month and that things still werent back to normal but i tried to keep up the PMA...it could have been ov pain (making me 10DPO today) and i could still have gotten pregnant but now i am going to have this spotting continously everytime i wipe til about Wed or Thu when i expected my af and thats the best case scenario cause last month was even more screwed up! The spotting can be quite intermittent at times as well but its there usually everytime i wipe or most of them anyway and its been there another once this morning and there was a bit more of it...its nothing more than a streak on the paper for the first few days and quite mucosuy (tmi sorry) but then it becomes more and more...
When i was pregnant 2 days before my af i had pinkish spotting and i assumed it was af as this was normal for me day before af but then 4 days later it was still there reddy/brown again most times when i wiped so i tested although i 'knew' it was just my af playing up cause it was my first month ttc but i got my BFP instead then the spotting continused for about 8 days and although spotting for many ladies is problem free sadly for me it wasnt....my early scan showed heartbeat only for 2 weeks later for it to be gone and the thing with symptom spotting is that i never had any sympoms preiously so i know im on the lookout now for what to 'expect' amd its driving me crazy how am i meant to get pregnant now? A baby is all i want and at the minute im not even in with a chance each month!
To get pregnant 1st try,....see heartbeat then lose the baby and then have to suffer like this each month just seems doubly cruel and its like everything else in my life...shit! F**k i cant even get sofas without hassle i hate my life so much! I hate my job and not going to accept a place on that course as i want a baby more but for all i know i will still be in this awful situation next year wishing i had just done it - i just want to die!
Anyway sorry i know i am waffling on here but im just so pissed off with everything - why cant my period just get back to normal at least then the BFNS every month would be a little easier to swallow as i would still have hope then.....
There have been quite a few BFPs on here recently and most of the girls who had their mcs about the same time as me or even after are pregnant again so why isnt my body working? I cant help feeling its unfair and then i think i am a horrible and nasty person so maybe i dont deserve to be a mum?!? I wouldnt wish mc espec mmc on my worst enemy and im genuinely pleased for all of you with your BFPs as you deserve them and i hope all goes well for you this time i really do....i just cant help wishing i was joing you! (
Sorry Girls....
Laura xx
First of all i must appologise....appologise as this is likely to be another long 'i feel sorry for myself again' post but offloading on here helps as its not like i have anyone else to talk to....
I just wish my mum was here, i miss her so much!
It will be a year in September since she died and i dont know where time has gone this year i think its just because so much bad stuff has happened and its been spent waiting as well.....I just wish she was here to talk to and tell me that everything is going to be ok (even though i know it wont be) i am now VERY worried that there is something seriously wrong with me following my mc and im so scared that i am now left infertile or that i have something seriously wrong with me like cervical cancer (i havent had a smear for 5 years!) yes i am being a hyperchondriac but i just feel so fed up with life just now with everything....
As you all know by now im sure this is my 5th cycle since my mmc in March and my 3rd trying to get pregnant - the first few months from CD 22-27 i have had yucky brown spotting and then my af starts but they have been lighter and much less painful than before my pregnancy then last month i had no af for about 7 weeks but on CD16-21 i had bright red spotting for 5 days as if it was some sort of mini af and then when my proper af eventually came it was quite heavy and painful (still not what it was pre pregnancy but most like it) and i was hopefully that things were finally getting back on track and EPU told me it can take 3-6 months for things to settle but i took my first af four weeks after medical management and actually thought i was 'lucky' of course the first few months i thought this spotting could be implantation espec as every month i have driven myself crazy ss with sore boobies, nausea, heartburn, cramps etc clearly which have all been in my mind....
Although my cycles seem to have been the old 27/28 days between full flow the fact that the spotting is from CD23 suggests a LP defect right? and therefore no chance of getting pregnant!
I havent been to my doctors yet as i changed to the local one when i was pregnant to get an early scan and i dont think they were very good but i havent really been - my old doctor was lovely and i would have went straight away but i thought i would wait and see what happens each month and give it the 6 as i we got pregnant first month trying in Januray so there clearly wasnt a problem then! The EPU gave me 3 or 3 scans after passing everything and all looked clear and i had bloods done as i was in a bit of pain a bit later but there was no sign of infection anywhere. However, i have noticed that when BDing it can be a bit uncomfortable sometimes and i thought it was just down to me being a little apprehensive but it was never painful before and my hubby thinks i 'feel' different now too? ? Its not massive discomfort and usually goes away and i dont have any bleeding etc but this with the breakthrough bleed last month made me imagine all sorts. I planned to have a smear test done at the same time as going to the docs and can only get one on my day off....which will now be 2 weeks yesterday as i am hoping my period has been and gone before then and i am going to go to the docs on the same day. Theres clearly still a problem and i can only think its a hormonal one and while i know they wont do tests yet it will be my 6th cycle and i need to talk to someone and feel like i am doing something. Has anyone had any experience of fertility tests etc in a private setting as we would even pay for tests if its possible to have them done?
Anyway this month i have made a conscious effort not to think about af or fertile times and i had 12 days off work and me and hubby went away and had lovely food and a nice relaxing time and we got our new car and new sofas and decorated our living room so i have kept busy (the sofas are a joke though as one is damaged and the drivers broke my bannister too and we are not getting a refund until sofas are picked up end of next week which means more sitting on the floor which we have been doing since Sunday and they said a 15 week wait for a replacement after waiting 9 for them to come so im going to have to look for another one and will have at least an 8 week wait argh but thats another story)
When i passed CD17 with no breakthrough spotting and then CD22 with no brown i was even more hopeful...i have felt very nauseaus this month, had bad heartburn, fluttery pains, mad cramps, weird dreams, lotiony and wet creamy cm and lots of other 'symptoms' which i have passed off as psychological but i really thought we had a good chance this month as i hoped after last month things were getting back to normal and we BD practically every day! I wasnt expecting to get pregnant this month but i was hoping that at least my cycle would be back to 27/28 days with only a day of spotting as i always did get that but not im so paranoid about my cycle lengths and whats happening!
(This morning when i went to the loo,,,there it was the familiar streak of browny/red on the paper which has haunted me every month since April....i dont think i am ovulating i keep getting bad crampy pains round about CD13/14 most months also but i dont think i got them last month so i think maybe my body (or at least the left had side) is trying to ovulate and cant hence the pain? I know some peple get ov pain but it can last anywhere between 2 and 12 hours and feels like a very painful stitch i suppose and so i was hoping that would go away too as at first i tried to tell my self it was ov pain...anyway i knew when i had that that i wouldnt get pregnant this month and that things still werent back to normal but i tried to keep up the PMA...it could have been ov pain (making me 10DPO today) and i could still have gotten pregnant but now i am going to have this spotting continously everytime i wipe til about Wed or Thu when i expected my af and thats the best case scenario cause last month was even more screwed up!
The spotting can be quite intermittent at times as well but its there usually everytime i wipe or most of them anyway and its been there another once this morning and there was a bit more of it...its nothing more than a streak on the paper for the first few days and quite mucosuy (tmi sorry) but then it becomes more and more...When i was pregnant 2 days before my af i had pinkish spotting and i assumed it was af as this was normal for me day before af but then 4 days later it was still there reddy/brown again most times when i wiped so i tested although i 'knew' it was just my af playing up cause it was my first month ttc but i got my BFP instead then the spotting continused for about 8 days and although spotting for many ladies is problem free sadly for me it wasnt....my early scan showed heartbeat only for 2 weeks later for it to be gone and the thing with symptom spotting is that i never had any sympoms preiously so i know im on the lookout now for what to 'expect' amd its driving me crazy how am i meant to get pregnant now? A baby is all i want and at the minute im not even in with a chance each month!
To get pregnant 1st try,....see heartbeat then lose the baby and then have to suffer like this each month just seems doubly cruel and its like everything else in my life...shit! F**k i cant even get sofas without hassle i hate my life so much! I hate my job and not going to accept a place on that course as i want a baby more but for all i know i will still be in this awful situation next year wishing i had just done it - i just want to die!
Anyway sorry i know i am waffling on here but im just so pissed off with everything - why cant my period just get back to normal at least then the BFNS every month would be a little easier to swallow as i would still have hope then.....
There have been quite a few BFPs on here recently and most of the girls who had their mcs about the same time as me or even after are pregnant again so why isnt my body working? I cant help feeling its unfair and then i think i am a horrible and nasty person so maybe i dont deserve to be a mum?!
? I wouldnt wish mc espec mmc on my worst enemy and im genuinely pleased for all of you with your BFPs as you deserve them and i hope all goes well for you this time i really do....i just cant help wishing i was joing you! (Sorry Girls....
Laura xx
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Replies
I would suggest that you make an appointment with your gp and see what they say. I know that some people's bodies take a while to kick start after and some need clomid or something like.
I have polycystic ovaries and was worried that I wasn't OVing each month, as month on month nothing happended, which is why I invested in the CBFM. At least that way I would know whether I was or not. It turned out that I was, but not when I thought I had and after using CBFM I got BFP on 3rd month using it. That ended in mc at 7+4 but now 6+3 so it will happen for you again, I promise.
You have been through a lot - take care of yourself. ((((((big hug))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Don't know if you remember, but we both had our MMC at about the same time and we chatted on YAYW for a bit. I am in a similar situation to you as in my cycles are still messed up. I used to have a 32 day cycle but since the MMC most cycles have been 45 days which seems ages. My first AF lasted 18 days, my second AF was much lighter than normal and then on my 3rd cycle I had a week on icky brown stuff around day 20 which wasn't a period, as AF showed up with a vegence on day 44 - the pain of that period was almost as bad as the pain I had with the medical management of the MC. I too have been worrying myself over this and have managed to convince myself I have PCOS and endrometriosis. I went to the Dr with the brown stuff and they did an internal to check I didn't have any infections etc. I asked about my worries of PCOS and they just shrugged it off saying that if I had conceived before then it was highly unlikely.
It does seem that a MC can completely mess up your body and there is no set rule for when people will get back to normal. It has also taken me much longer emotionally to get over it than I thought it would. I still find it hard when friends and family announce to me that they are pregnant - and the I don't like myself very much for not being able to feel happy for them. In the end I went for a session of counselling which I have to say really helped.
Anyway, I guess in my waffle what I am trying to say is that you are not alone in your worries. I have decided that if I do not get my BFP this month then I am off to the Dr's and I will push for tests (if I have too I will tell them that this is all having a negative impact on my mental health and I need some reassurance). Absolute last resort for me will be private. There is a clinic nearby that checks you are OVing and also does a scan of your ovaries. There is a site called fertilitymot.com I think it is ??1200 for you and hubby to have a complete fertility check up.
Last thing - have you thought that your spotting (and discomfort during sex) could be a cervical polyp? I had one of those before and I had spotting with it inbetween periods. It was a simple procedure to have it removed and doesn't affect your chances of having a baby. Perhaps worth going to the Dr and having a check up.
Take care
Jo
Just wanted to send you a huge ((hug)) and let you know am thinking of you xxx
Just wanted to send a message to say that I am thinking of you. I had some mid-cycle after my D&C which I hoped was an implantation bleed but it wasn't - don't know what it was. I was also really worried that I wasn't ov'ing. Please go and see your Dr or phone the EPU and speak to them - all this worrying won't be doing you any good, and I am sure that there won't be anything wrong at all. MCs do strange things to our bodies...
Take care and please talk to someone else about it - I am sure there will be nothing wrong but that they will be able to put your mind at rest,
Take care,
Love Kristen xx
I just wanted to appologise for the inital place....i am still in a crappy place my af turned up (i knew it would) and i was gutted espec as we had done lots and lots of BDing...why it was so easy in January i dont understand?!
Perhaps the pain is just coincidental and i'l see what happens this month but i think possibly im not ovulating on the one side hence the pain as last month i didnt have any and had my most 'normal' af yet....
I have been to see my Gp and he is going to do 21 day bloods and check fsh, lsh, oestorgen and progestene levels (excuse spelling lol)i think thats the ones anyway - i dont have a clue about what these should show though - just that they will indicate whether i have ov or not?
Anyway at least its something as im now on my 6th cycle since mmc and have had different afs each month (usually always 26-28 days like before i got pregnant in terms of full flow each month but its just the spotting thats getting to me) i thought after last month things may have been getting back to normal but as always i spoke too soon....
this month though despite the 2 streaks i mentioned on here on the Sat there was no more brown and i allowed myself to let my PMA get carried away again but i then had red spotting on the sun and mon and af arrived late on Monday so considering i always had a day of spotting before af 2 and a bit is much better than the 5 days of brown i was having every other month but i think its not knowing what to expect and i am sure i now have PCOS or an ovulation problem but least the bloods will indicate to me a bit more whats hapening...
If i have ov'd im going to ask them to do bloods again next month just to make sure its not on one side...he says its likely just things taking time to settle down with how mucked up my hormones would have been and what my body has gone through...espec with all the stress i have had in terms of personal sad news but he suggested the bloods (which i was surprised about) just to check and if im not ovulating (which i hope i am but am expecting to be told im not) then he said we will 'cross that bridge if we need to' so hopefully clomid or something may be an option? He said 5 months isnt long at all to try but because i got pregnant 1st go last time and because it might be mmc thats causing probs now thats why he is doing them and also cause i broke down in tears (dont get me wrong it wasnt planned i was amazed how upset i got relaying everything out loud again but i think that prob helped him decide to jjst do bloods as he saw how much it meant to me - all i want is a baby!!!)
Anyway we decided not to try this month for varying reasons and see what the bloods say but then i thought thats waste so we are just going for it but this month im not going to (or going to try not to) think about what im eating/drinking/doing/when im Bding etc like i did in January....i figure if im not ovulating then i have no chance of getting pregnant - the same as what would happen if i dont BD so im as well going for it when theres a chance and if i have ov'd and havent got pregnant again then least there is hope and perhaps my body just isnt ready to be pregnant again or i may be oving earlier or later than i think (in which case i can buy a CBFM which i have refrained form doing so far) and monitor when i think i ov from that and if i am a late ovulater then again maybe clomid would be an option combinded with something else...
either way i will hopefully know in 2 weeks time so least i only have a 1ww wait this month (see im trying to see the positives already lol!)
My cousin is having a 'bon voyage' party next Friday as she is off to germany for a year to study but i didnt plan to drink much at that anyway as its quite far away from where we live so planned for one of us to drive anyway so i'll just do the driving and hubby can have a few drinks and then my bloods will be the tuesday after that...on the saturday following them i have another party as a few of our friends recently got married in a quiet ceremony abroad with just family there and they are having their reception in a casino so lots of cocktails lol....i had planned not to drink much anyway and then thought that i have hardly drank any months 'just incase' this month when we were away i limited myself to about 5 glasses of wine wooo 'just incase' and it was a waste of time....
if im not ovulating then drinking wont make a difference and even if i am i prob wont get pregnant and if i do...well being mega careful last time didnt do me much good and i dont plan to get completely piss*d but i want to enjoy the night so my plan is to hoepfully have the blood results back and if i havent ov'd im going to get completely legless like i used to do when i first went clubbing lol and if i have ov'd im still going to drink just in moderation and only on that night,....if i did get pregnant i woudl worry and blame myself cause of that if anything went wrong but i know my problem is i over analyse things to much and worry about things that i have no control over....
So anyway the plan is to Bd every day this month (from Sunday which was Cd6) so wish me luck...
Soz for aother such a long post....
Laura x
P.s Josie yeah i do remember you - sorry you are having such a rough time too but deffo go to your docs if your BFP isnt here this month which i hope it is!
really glad that your gp is being so good and taking your concerns seriously. i really hope and honestly think that your bloods will be clear but either way it is best to know! i can't tell you anything about all those different tests and what they show but i'm sure someone will know and i'm sure your gp will explain all if necessary.
go out to your friends reception and have a load of cocktails and enjoy yourself hun, you need the release!
take care,
kristen x
I think you deserve a drink - let your hair down and relax - Kristen is right you need a night off and to just have a great time with your friends...........you deserve it
xxx
In the meantime, take a step back and bd away because you want to and enjoy it with your hubby. Forget about the focus of babymaking. Go out and have a good time at your parties. It doesnt matter if you have a drink, it won't have any drastic effect, except it may make you relax some more and have a bloody good time!
xx
We just have to keep on giving it our best shotSweetheart, every month and believing (and trust me I know that there's days when that sometimes seems impossible) that one day we'll get to hold our precious baby(s) and make plans for their future.
It's really f***ing unfair that we're the ones that are having such a shit time of it lately when we so desperately want this baby when there's arseholes all over the world who don't deserve kids and who seem to be able to fall pregnant just by looking at a penis and who are shit parents. I want to smash their faces in sometimes but for whatever reason this shit is happening to me and to you and to all the other girls on here and there's f*** all we can do to change any of it. We've only got two choices Laura, give up which most definitely isn't an option or carry on, even when everything seems to be stacked against us.
You need to start telling yourself that everything is perfectly okay with you and you're positive that at least you're getting tests done by the Drs so if anything is picked up you're going to get sorted sooner rather than later.
It's going to happen for us Laura, no doubts about it. We're due some good luck and it's coming our way very soon, just keep believing hun. It's not hopeless, we're going to see that beautiful BFP and it's going to be mega super max strength sticky and our babies are going to be the most beautiful babies ever and we're to brilliant mothers because we've been taught by the masters - our mams - the greatest.
Chin up Sweetheart, it's definitely going to happen for us, it's just taking a bit longer than we'd hoped, that's all. PMA and (hug), x