Never thought i'd be posting here but here i am!

Virgo2188 · May 9, 2010 3:54AM

Hi ladies,

I used to pop over here sometimes to read some of your stories, but I never dreamed i'd be posting here

I'm having a miscarriage at the minute. I'm only about 6 weeks but its the most horrific thing that had ever happened to me. The pain and bleeding aswell with the emotional weight is just really hard to deal with. I just wish it would be over. My story is over in DID10 if anyone is interested, but as I'm on my phone I can't copy and paste. We're hoping to start ttc asap.

The doctor I've seen this morning said that some people have been in that much pain they've been offered gas and air, that's how bad the pain has been and I truly believe last night that's how bad my pains were. I was so tired I fell asleep propped up with pillows because it was too painful when I lay down. I keep getting really upset, especially in the morning and evening and everyone keeps asking how I am which upsets me when I have to talk about it. People have been really nice but no one really knows what to say to me. Its something I don't think you can understand till you've been through it.

Plus my SIL is due any day now so I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that call when it comes. I don't feel I want to see her anytime soon, I feel like I need to concentrate on keeping myself emotionally stable. Plus, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone but I feel I need to put all of my feelings into words, I've worked so hard to provide a future for myself and my baby. We decided last year we would start ttc this year and my last year of my degree has been purely to provide for my future bubba, but she doesn't work, never has, never will. Her OH doesn't have a job even though he's perfectly capable. Apparently there's a new console out soon which he intend to buy with his benefits when his baby will need so much more. I just feel its so unfair that I've worked so hard to provide for my baby, but it was taken away from me

I know I'm no more deserving but its just so unfair!!

Sorry ladies, this post is all over the place but I'm writing my feelings down as they come to me. I don't know anyone who has been through this so I just need someone to tell me I can move on from this. I just want it to go so that I can ttc again. I know it will never replace the bubba I lost but I want a baby so much and I miss being pregnant

caz3006 · May 6, 2010 3:00PM

hiya, i had a miscarriage in march so i know how you are feeling, my story is a little different, i was seven weeks and starting to bleed i only had period type pains but knowing that you have "passed" your baby is heartbreaking. i am also the only one out of my circle that has lost a baby so nobody knew how to act around me either, they say time is a great healer and it is but you will never forget this baby and wonder was it a girl or boy etc.. ive been struggling the last few days too to be honest as both my SIL are pregnant too i should of been 17 weeks now they have just had there 12week scan, one has been really sensitive but the one rang me days after i lost mine with her baby news which really upset me she has never sed sorry either. we are ttc and are hoping it will happen asap so if you want to chat and keep each other going when we need to talk then im here, take care xx

Virgo2188 · May 6, 2010 4:01PM

Hun, its so helpful to talk to someone whose been through it. We've just broke the news and everyones texting to say how sorry they are but they've got no idea! If someone had died, everyone would expect you to grieve and miss work etc, but work didn't know I was pregnant, they just think I'm ill and so they're not all that sympathetic or patient.

I would have been due around xmas so that's going to be difficult. I'm sure all the milestones ie. Scans and would be bumps are going to be horrible, which is why I want to start ttc straight away, so that I have something to focus on.

Its funny that someone who we never got to meet or know, who was a part of our lives for so short a time had had such an impact. I kind of imagine this little personality, it has no gender just a huge smile and I miss it!

How long did it take your cycles to return? I'm hoping to start ttc as soon as the bleeding stops as I heard your very fertile at this time.

My SIL is quite insensitive too. She's saying all the right things but she's got her baby on her mind so my situation feels insignificant to her. I hope her family will understand when I don't visit. I think it will make me feel worse and will also be quite awkward for us all!

caz3006 · May 6, 2010 4:28PM

well i thought i had my first period 2nd april which was 4 weeks after m/c but it was very light and brown it lasted for 5-6 days tho but i still counted it as 1st af, which meant i was due on april 30th but i didnt come on until the 4th of may, this time its proper!! i had the cramps, tenders boobs etc (sorry for detail) so im thinking maybe this is the first one?? ive never m/c before so dont know and havent really had anyone to ask didnt want to go gp to ask these questions just thought i would try and be patient but im not lol!! i should of been due in october and had my ist scan on 1st april, they say you are very fertile after m/c but it didnt work for me, hopefully it will for you tho, how has your partner been with you about it all?

laujai · May 6, 2010 4:41PM

Hello there

Im really sorry to hear about your mc. It is a very distressing experience to have to go through & like you say no one understands the physical & emotional pain unless they have gone through it thereselves.

The feelings you have are completley natural & you should take time to greive & be kind to yourself.

I remember my 1st mmc was excrutiating so if the pain gets really unbearable & the bleeding very very heavy get yourself down to A&E for some extra support if you cant ease it at home.

Also with regards to your sil with our 1st me & sil were pg at same time & I found it hard to come to terms with the fact she was still pg but it did get easier, we lost our 3rd as she was giving birth to her lo but seeing my nephew actually wasnt as hard as I thought it would be.

The girls here are lovely, this has been my home along with ltttc for quite some time as we have suffered 4 mc in 17months of ttc, i am now 11+3 & so far so good.

We have lots of positive stories from this forum & you will be one them my love.

take care of yourself.
xxx

Bubabear-plus-baby · May 6, 2010 4:43PM

Hi, so sorry for your loss and that you have found yourself over in this forum. Wwhat I can say is that you are in the right place. All the girls over here are great, I couldn't have got through things without these girls. As you said in your post friends and family try to support you but unless they have been through a mc it is very difficult for them to know what it is like. I had a mmc and ERPC on 2nd April, just a week after returning from honeymoon, I was 9 +6. I was very lucky and only bled lightly for a few days after the ERPC and didn't really get any physical pain. My first af was 26 days after my ERPC, usually have clockwork 28 day cycles. I found the emotional pain unbearable I have bever been so low in my life. As you said I wanted to grieve I wanted to say goodbye. It took me a good 2 months to really get back to my old self and on the 10th April hubby took my to Barcelona for 4 days. While there I lite a candle for our bean in a church, very emotional but felt like I had drawn a line under the experience. Not that I had forgotten our bean but just that it was time to move on. And, indeed it was tinme to move on because that weekend I ovulated and just under 2 weeks later I got my BFP! I am anxious but feeling positive that this pregnancy will go the distance. I hope that my stories helps you see that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though you probably can't see it at the moment because it is too far away. But you will get there. Take all the time you need to grieve for your baby. You may have been in early pregnancy but I'm sure you had plans for your babies life and it is these plans that you need to mourn too. I hope that makes sense and that you find soem support in what I'm saying. Take care of yourself. x x

Virgo2188 · May 6, 2010 5:00PM

That's the most annoying thing about the whole process. Just constantly waiting, waiting to find out if its a miscarriage, waiting for it to end just waiting for AF, waiting for OV, 2week wait etc...!

OH has been great. He's cuddled me when I've cried, which is a lot! He's cried too, but he's self employed so he can't miss too much work, seen as I'm taking unpaid leave at the minute. Sometimes I feel he doesn't quite feel it like me but that's to be expected as he couldn't feel the changes during pregnancy. He's a little disturbed by the blood loss and I kept him awake all last night with pain but he's really tried his best and he's the only person I feel like I want to be around at the minute. How's yours coping? We're only fairly young, I'm 21, OH is 24.

My 12 week scan would have been at the beginning of june

I just can't help but feel that my baby was a person. It was developing into my child and its just so sad that It never got the chance to be here. Is that weird?

All the texts are flooding in but not one of them know how it feels. Do you use the main ttc forum too? Do you have any other children? This was our first, my first ever pregnancy

caz3006 · May 6, 2010 5:02PM

reading these happy endings does help but it also feels a long way off, i m/c in march i thought i was ok with it now but finding im still struggling with it, i felt like i had to get on with things for everyone else, i have a 4 year old son and didnt like to get upset while he was around, so now i feel like i missed out on my grieving??? my partner asked me if had rang sil to see how scan was but i cant bring myself to do that one i did cos we are close but the other one really hurt me when she rang me 4 days after my m/c with her news, i keep thinking why should i? she knew she upset me but never sed sorry!!!

Virgo2188 · May 6, 2010 5:14PM

Sorry ladies, must have been posting at the same time. Its nice to hear that that you ladies had similar feelings. Its exactly as you all say. The emotional aspect is just so much worse than I ever dreamed it could be!

I was talking to OH today about katie price which is abit random but I was saying how could peter andre leave her so close to her mc. I had a new found respect for her. Its so random but I can't stop thinking of epople who have gone through this. Its just such a horrendous cruel thing to go through, but its so common its scary.

Its so nice to hear of happy endings. In a way I feel my next pregnancy will be so wanted and loved. Not that this one weren't in any way but I just feel I will appreciate how lucky I am. A baby is such a special gift and now I know how bloody lucky you are to have a healthy baby that you can carry for 9 months!

Thanks for all the support ladies. I feel so much better already talking to people who can understand what I'm feeling. I have a feeling this forum is going to really help me move forward and its been highly recommended by the DID ladies
Xx

caz3006 · May 6, 2010 5:16PM

i have a little boy he is 4!!! my oh has been good too but at first he kept telling me its just one of those things, but it really hurt cos it was our baby i lost and yes it is really common but not for you!!! when i talked to him about it he said he was trying to make me feel better,that it wasnt my fault etc.. not sure if im over on ttc? lol new on here if im not yet then i will be! every one means well with the txt msgs but it dont help if i could give you any advice it would be to take time for yourself i rushed back to work to get back to normal straight away cos i thought if would help but as i put above i feel i missed out, if you think it might help speak to your manager about it do you think they would be ok then with you having some time off? will you have a scan to make sure the m/c was complete? i think i was lucky with that as mine was complete didnt need op which was such a relief, we are a lil older than you im 28 oh is 29 x

Virgo2188 · May 6, 2010 5:31PM

Yeah I'm booked in for next Friday but I'm pretty sure I've miscarried. If I haven't I have a major problem somewhere.

I like reading happy endings too. I just can't see that far ahead for myself right now. I know they say times a healer but obviously time feels like its stood still at the minute.

I know what you mean about peoples comments. People try and say to think positive and not worry, but I just feel like telling them to bog off. I just lost my baby so I wish people would stop telling me how to feel!

I think I am gonna tell work, but like you say, its hard to understand if you haven't been through it and I feel like people think I should pull myself together.

I'm moving house next week and everyone keeps saying think positive, think about moving house. This just proves they don't understand, as if you can compare the two. I'd live in this poxy 1 bed flat forever if it meant my baby was still growing.

I just feel so sad. Nothing more I can say or feel right now. Totally gutted and sad, and actually very lonely

caz3006 · May 6, 2010 5:50PM

yeah at the minute you cant see or think too far ahead it will get easier but i think first you need to get confirmation and take it from there see how you feel, i stopped bleeding after a week so hopefully by next week so can start trying again, there is a really lovely poem on the miscarriage link its sad but makes sense and reflects how your feeling have a read if you feel up to it, glad you have support from your oh it does help, as for moving house it will keep you busy and maybe take your mind off things for a while try not to over do it tho too esp if you still bleeding, im here if you need a chat cos its made me feel better even tho i am ranting on and on.... take care will be thinking of you xxx

Virgo2188 · May 7, 2010 6:46AM

I might have to give that a read in the future. I'm abit emotionally all over the shop at the minute!

Thanks again for the supprt hun, it feels so good to get it all out to someone who understands!

There tends to be more action over in the ttc forum, most ttc after mc gather in there too so may be worth having a look if you fancy it!

Hope you feel better soon hun, lots of love xxxx

joy2008 · May 7, 2010 7:09AM

Hi Lady,

I just wanted to post and send you massive hugs. I was in DID as well, I was due 8th December. I mc'd at just over 5 weeks naturally.

A lot of what you said sounds very familar- especially about the waiting-that is how I felt too. Luckily for me everything went back to normal physically quite quickly-ie negative test and the bleeding and pain was intense but didn't last too long. I have just had my first af since mc and it has been a bit odd. We are TTC again now and started straight away.

If you need anything-to talk or whatever please email me hun,

lots of love

xxxxx

Virgo2188 · May 7, 2010 8:03AM

Thanks hun, there was just so many mc's over in DID!

I've just passed everything. It came out a big blob of blood, looked like a slug. It was horrible

But i kind of feel abit relieved that it's all hopefully coming to an end and this whole episode is over! At least now i know that's it. I want to move straight over to ttc. I need to feel like i'm actively doing something to move forward and have a precious little bundle all of my own!

Lots of love to all you strong ladies
xxx

bellabops · May 7, 2010 4:33PM

Hey hun,

Sorry to hear you have had to join us here. I had a mc in March, all started on my bday

. I should have been 8 weeks and the baby was only measuring 5 wks so it had stopped growing, it was a natural MC so didnt need D&C. The pain I was in was awful.

I was bleeding for about 5 days and got a negative test within 2 an a half weeks, I was happy but sad to have the negative.

We started to TTC again as soon as I stopped bleeding I got my BFP again last week and I am now 4 weeks and 2 days, so 7 wk's since MC I am preg again.

I am soo happy as this is what we wanted but scared at the sametime.

I feel this site has been my agony aunt through all this as we had all been through the same and it helped reading everyone's stories.

It will get easier hun and I hope you get ure BFP soon.

Lots of luck and sticky dust Suzanne. xx

Virgo2188 · May 8, 2010 5:02AM

Oh hun, that's great news! I'm hoping to get my BFP as soon as I can! Did you not have AF in the meantime? OH thinks it might be best to wait for AF but I want to catch that fertile period beforehand!

I hope everything goes ok for you hun, I'm sure its not going to happen again! Congratulations!

Xx

bellabops · May 8, 2010 12:31PM

No hun, no AF. When I went the BEP clinic to have the MC confirmed, I asked how long should I wait and they advised some ppl dont have a AF after MC and go on to carry a full term baby, so we decided to try straight away.

I went back the BEP clinic yesterday just to check things are okay and for dates as couldnt go off my AF and she said "we didnt waste anytime and thats what they like to see".

So I don't really think there is a correct timescale to give ureself. You just have to make sure your ready.

Virgo2188 · May 9, 2010 3:54AM

That great news then. I'm totally ready to try again. I don't think it matters how long I wait, my BFP will always have that tinge of sadness that my first bubba never made it, but I'll be thrilled to be pregnant again!

Just need this pesky bleeding to go away!

Never thought i'd be posting here but here i am!

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