How do I get better?
I don't know why i'm writing this as I don't know if it will make me feel any better, can't feel any worse so here goes. I had an erpc last thurs, it's the second one i've had since Apr this year, I had a silent mc both times, although I thought the second one was a blighted ovum, the baby just died at a very early stage and as I have atilted uterus it made it hard to see. Anyway, I thought I was ok about it, we didn't get our hopes up this time as we were too scared to but i'm just getting worse by the day. Why should we not enjoy pregnancy? I'm off work until next tues which is fine but my husband is at work all day and I can't handle this when i'm on my own. I can't sleep at night, my stomach is in pieces, i'm bleeding really heavily, every time I stand up I can feel stuff coming out of me (sorry), I don't want to go out because i'm in pain and today I can't stop crying. We live miles away from our family as we're both in the RAF and none of my good friends are here.
I feel completely alone and like i'm being punished for something. We both have good jobs, have no debts, a nice house, we love children, children seem to love us, we're generous to everyone, give to charity, go to Church, I may be moody sometimes but i've never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings, my husband is amazing, so why are we being punished? I really feel like my hearts been ripped out, people think i'm fine and can deal with it because i've dealt with it before but I feel like i'm just sinking. I honestly don't think we'll have children whilst everyone around us is having them with no problem at all. I hate my husband seeing me like this, it's like i'm upset with him but i'm not and everytime I explain it comes out wrong and then he just feels rubbish.
Sorry for rambling, i'm just feeling very sorry for myself and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's easier to just type this rather than talk to my husband because I just upset him xx
I feel completely alone and like i'm being punished for something. We both have good jobs, have no debts, a nice house, we love children, children seem to love us, we're generous to everyone, give to charity, go to Church, I may be moody sometimes but i've never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings, my husband is amazing, so why are we being punished? I really feel like my hearts been ripped out, people think i'm fine and can deal with it because i've dealt with it before but I feel like i'm just sinking. I honestly don't think we'll have children whilst everyone around us is having them with no problem at all. I hate my husband seeing me like this, it's like i'm upset with him but i'm not and everytime I explain it comes out wrong and then he just feels rubbish.
Sorry for rambling, i'm just feeling very sorry for myself and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's easier to just type this rather than talk to my husband because I just upset him xx
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Replies
Firstly, you are not being punished for anything you have or haven't done. Mother nature is sometimes incredibly cruel and there is no rhyme or reason for it happening. Take time to grieve - you need to give yourself time and ther eis no right or wrong amount of time to come to terms with this.
You have to have hope that you will conceive, one day it will happen for you.
Take care x
I do truly hope that as time passes you do see some light shining through and there is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself, you have gone through so much. Much love xxx
I had first mc in Jan and my second mmc in July and had my ERPC about 7 weeks ago. some days I am good and others I cant stop crying, everything makes me fill up and I go quiet and dont want to be around anyone.
All you can do is give yourself time, it will start to hurt less as time moves on, it is good to grieve though - that is all we can do, our bodies need to do it and everyone wil do it differently.
I shyed away from telling hubby how I felt and he told me I should be able to tell him anything, your husband knows the pain you are in as he feels it as well - it will be heartbreaking for him to see you like this - you both have to take each day as it comes and lean on each for support.
sorry if I rambled but like you find it easier to type than to say sometimes.
this site is a god send, use it as much as you can as it really helps - the girls are lovely when we all find ourselves in this unfortunate situation.
all I have now is hope...it will happen for us one day x
I wish you a speedy recovery and if you ever want to chat you know where we are
xxx
So sorry to read this, but can completely understand how you are feeling. As you know, this is our 2nd mmc in 4 months also. I am having my op tomorrow. I know what you mean when you say people think you are dealing ok with it, because it has happened before, but that doesn't stop the pain or the grieving.
Outsiders have no connection to our lost babies, they only feel sad for us, whereas we are the ones who have connected with our babies from day one. We are the ones who had the hope and dreams for the future (even if we limited our hopes the second time around, they were still there).
Sorry you are miles away from your family, that must be really hard for you. I am always here for you to talk too, my e-mail is open, fell free to message me anytime you like.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better for us both I'm sure. It just takes time.
Take care of yourself, I've got to be at the hospital for 7.30 tomorrow morning, so signing off now, even though I prob won't sleep all that well.
Zoe xx
All I can say is keep letting it all out on here. If nothing else someone will give you a virtual hug.
You say you go to church... is there nobody there you can talk to if not the vicar? Often churches have specially trained counsellors working with them... Just a thought
I really hope you are feeling a little better soon, you will have lots of support on here so come as much you want. take care hun Carrie xxx
My husband surprised me last night by telling me he'd booked a hand therapy for me today, he said he didn't think a massage where I have to wear hardly anything would help me, bless him. He said it's to get me out of the house for something nice so i'm off there soon so at least i'll get to see something other than these 4 walls. I'm dreading going back to work next week as so many knew, not through me telling them which is very annoying. The military is notorious for not allowing you to have a private life, which I hate. Anyway.
Zoe, i've been thinking about you this morn as I know you're having your erpc, I hope it's gone well and you're not in too much pain. Hopefully we'll both be feeling better soon, I think we're due some good fortune xx
Were here for you....
Im sorry to hear of your loss, i found myself reading your message and thinking that sounds so familiar. i thought maybe if i told you about my story you wouldn't feel so alone?
i have had two ectopics in six months this year and two operations which have left six lovely scars and constant reminders! the first one my right tube was removed, the last one only four weeks ago, on remnnance of removed tube. i have tried to talk to the other half but feel selfish or stupid for feeling that way although most of the time i feel im talking to the brick wall!
i went back to work today after 4 weeks off and i honestly thought i was going to crack as i work in the hospital and seeing babies and pregnant women is the norm it was hard but i worked a shift (Yay!) and i needed to take the first step as since the operation i have been a hermit! Like you i feel im expected to cope as im a strong person usually.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT as i was told years ago before all of this is that "this too shall pass" It is hard but you wouldnt be human if you didnt feel some emotion.
sorry if this is a bit long,
if you want to chat you can email me if it helps?
Chin up sweetie x
Its just the most horrid thing to go through and doing it twice, well must be soul destroying. I had my mc at the end of May and I still get upset about it. Things will get better, but you need to lean on people for support whether thats your hubby (who sounds like a right diamond by the way), or the church having a support network will help ! I found that because no one knew I was even pg when the mc happened I couldnt talk to anyone and foudn myself shutting into my shell, so I told people and the majority were a great source of strength. Yes sometimes they didnt know what to say, but they were there and thats what mattered.
Big ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
XX