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How do I get better?

I don't know why i'm writing this as I don't know if it will make me feel any better, can't feel any worse so here goes. I had an erpc last thurs, it's the second one i've had since Apr this year, I had a silent mc both times, although I thought the second one was a blighted ovum, the baby just died at a very early stage and as I have atilted uterus it made it hard to see. Anyway, I thought I was ok about it, we didn't get our hopes up this time as we were too scared to but i'm just getting worse by the day. Why should we not enjoy pregnancy? I'm off work until next tues which is fine but my husband is at work all day and I can't handle this when i'm on my own. I can't sleep at night, my stomach is in pieces, i'm bleeding really heavily, every time I stand up I can feel stuff coming out of me (sorry), I don't want to go out because i'm in pain and today I can't stop crying. We live miles away from our family as we're both in the RAF and none of my good friends are here.

I feel completely alone and like i'm being punished for something. We both have good jobs, have no debts, a nice house, we love children, children seem to love us, we're generous to everyone, give to charity, go to Church, I may be moody sometimes but i've never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings, my husband is amazing, so why are we being punished? I really feel like my hearts been ripped out, people think i'm fine and can deal with it because i've dealt with it before but I feel like i'm just sinking. I honestly don't think we'll have children whilst everyone around us is having them with no problem at all. I hate my husband seeing me like this, it's like i'm upset with him but i'm not and everytime I explain it comes out wrong and then he just feels rubbish.

Sorry for rambling, i'm just feeling very sorry for myself and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's easier to just type this rather than talk to my husband because I just upset him xx

Replies

  • Sometimes you need to take time to be upset in order to try and get yourself through each day. I know you how feel about talking to OH. I had a mmc in July and OH doesn't seem to understand why I keep getting upset and am obsessive over bbt charting and opk's.
    Firstly, you are not being punished for anything you have or haven't done. Mother nature is sometimes incredibly cruel and there is no rhyme or reason for it happening. Take time to grieve - you need to give yourself time and ther eis no right or wrong amount of time to come to terms with this.
    You have to have hope that you will conceive, one day it will happen for you.
    Take care x
  • Oh Honey, I am so so sorry for your losses, must be so soul destroying, I dont have any answers at all, I m/c two weeks ago, and I honestly dont know how I would cope going through two, it really isnt fair, I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and Hopefully you will get some comfort and support here.Life isnt fair and I wish none of the lovely ladies or myself were on this forum, but thank heavens for places like this, where you know you are not alone.
    I do truly hope that as time passes you do see some light shining through and there is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself, you have gone through so much. Much love xxx
  • ah sweetie I know exactly how you feel.
    I had first mc in Jan and my second mmc in July and had my ERPC about 7 weeks ago. some days I am good and others I cant stop crying, everything makes me fill up and I go quiet and dont want to be around anyone.

    All you can do is give yourself time, it will start to hurt less as time moves on, it is good to grieve though - that is all we can do, our bodies need to do it and everyone wil do it differently.

    I shyed away from telling hubby how I felt and he told me I should be able to tell him anything, your husband knows the pain you are in as he feels it as well - it will be heartbreaking for him to see you like this - you both have to take each day as it comes and lean on each for support.

    sorry if I rambled but like you find it easier to type than to say sometimes.

    this site is a god send, use it as much as you can as it really helps - the girls are lovely when we all find ourselves in this unfortunate situation.

    all I have now is hope...it will happen for us one day x
    I wish you a speedy recovery and if you ever want to chat you know where we are
    xxx
  • Hi sweetie

    So sorry to read this, but can completely understand how you are feeling. As you know, this is our 2nd mmc in 4 months also. I am having my op tomorrow. I know what you mean when you say people think you are dealing ok with it, because it has happened before, but that doesn't stop the pain or the grieving.

    Outsiders have no connection to our lost babies, they only feel sad for us, whereas we are the ones who have connected with our babies from day one. We are the ones who had the hope and dreams for the future (even if we limited our hopes the second time around, they were still there).

    Sorry you are miles away from your family, that must be really hard for you. I am always here for you to talk too, my e-mail is open, fell free to message me anytime you like.

    I know its a cliche, but things will get better for us both I'm sure. It just takes time.

    Take care of yourself, I've got to be at the hospital for 7.30 tomorrow morning, so signing off now, even though I prob won't sleep all that well.

    Zoe xx
  • It is hard hun. Often people think because we never felt them kick or saaw them on a scan we can't have loved them and therefore why are we grieving... Maybe it's hard to understand unless you've been through it?
    All I can say is keep letting it all out on here. If nothing else someone will give you a virtual hug.
    You say you go to church... is there nobody there you can talk to if not the vicar? Often churches have specially trained counsellors working with them... Just a thought image
  • Hi pet...so so sorry this has happened to you, its not fair. You are grieving for your lost babies...it doesnt get much harder than that. You will have good days and bad days, but just now it is still very early days. You are both still very raw. I find it hard to think about anything but my mc, it was early July and I keep thinking about how many weeks I should be now, what size my bump would be, already I am dreading February (due date was 10th Feb)and its only Aug. I also feel like TTC has taken over my life, and struggle to talk to hubby about anything else. You have suffered a heartbreaking loss that has left you with a gaping hole in your world....tragically twice. Dont be hard on yourself....you are not alone, and sadly, we know how you feel. One day at a time pet......Look after yourself, lots of love Tracy xx
  • Hi so sorry for what you are going through, I had a mc in march and it's still hard for me sometimes but it does get better and like everybody else said just take one day at a time, I would also suggest talking to hubby as he feels it too, men are just good at being ok sometimes. I found that it wasn't until I was honest with everyone and said "well actually I am NOT ok" that I could even begin to think about being ok.
    I really hope you are feeling a little better soon, you will have lots of support on here so come as much you want. take care hun Carrie xxx
  • Thank you everyone for your replies, I didn't check again yesterday as I then felt I had gone on and on and I know i'm not the only one going through this horror. It's just after having gone through it once I never thought i'd have to again. I think since we found out this time i'd been kidding myself that I was fine and every time I felt like crying i'd tell myself to stop being stupid and that worse things happen to people. I think thats the worst thing I could do really as it's just hitting me so hard now.

    My husband surprised me last night by telling me he'd booked a hand therapy for me today, he said he didn't think a massage where I have to wear hardly anything would help me, bless him. He said it's to get me out of the house for something nice so i'm off there soon so at least i'll get to see something other than these 4 walls. I'm dreading going back to work next week as so many knew, not through me telling them which is very annoying. The military is notorious for not allowing you to have a private life, which I hate. Anyway.

    Zoe, i've been thinking about you this morn as I know you're having your erpc, I hope it's gone well and you're not in too much pain. Hopefully we'll both be feeling better soon, I think we're due some good fortune xx
  • Im soooo sorry to hear this...i lost my first baby in July and have just had my first AF! I too felt like i was being punished but it is NOT your fault hun! It has to be hard for you being away from family and friends but we all have an idea how you feel!
    Were here for you....
  • Hi kwn, ((hug)) I have been thinking about you and reading your post I feel so sad for you Hun. First of all, please don't blame yourself or look for reasons as to why your being punished. It's not your fault at all. Life is just cruel and is crueller to some more than others. Just think although it hard but your baby was just too special to come into the world. I know how isolating a miscarriage can be bit I found just telling people about it and talking made me feel better. A lot if people won't know what to say or do. Definitely lean in your hubby for support. You have to take your time and I promise each day gets better and better until you start to smile again and then something ridiculous will make you laugh. Even now 3 months on from my miscarriage I still have the odd cry when I think about my baby but it dies get easier. We are all here for you when you need us as we all know what it's like. I don't think anyone else can truly understand unless it's happened to them. I am so sorry hun and feel dreadful for you. Take your time and take small steps each day. Wishing you all the happiness and luck because you will be a mummy image x
  • Hi hun,
    Im sorry to hear of your loss, i found myself reading your message and thinking that sounds so familiar. i thought maybe if i told you about my story you wouldn't feel so alone?
    i have had two ectopics in six months this year and two operations which have left six lovely scars and constant reminders! the first one my right tube was removed, the last one only four weeks ago, on remnnance of removed tube. i have tried to talk to the other half but feel selfish or stupid for feeling that way although most of the time i feel im talking to the brick wall!
    i went back to work today after 4 weeks off and i honestly thought i was going to crack as i work in the hospital and seeing babies and pregnant women is the norm it was hard but i worked a shift (Yay!) and i needed to take the first step as since the operation i have been a hermit! Like you i feel im expected to cope as im a strong person usually.
    ITS NOT YOUR FAULT as i was told years ago before all of this is that "this too shall pass" It is hard but you wouldnt be human if you didnt feel some emotion.
    sorry if this is a bit long,
    if you want to chat you can email me if it helps? image
    Chin up sweetie x
  • Hi Hun, I couldnt r & r.

    Its just the most horrid thing to go through and doing it twice, well must be soul destroying. I had my mc at the end of May and I still get upset about it. Things will get better, but you need to lean on people for support whether thats your hubby (who sounds like a right diamond by the way), or the church having a support network will help ! I found that because no one knew I was even pg when the mc happened I couldnt talk to anyone and foudn myself shutting into my shell, so I told people and the majority were a great source of strength. Yes sometimes they didnt know what to say, but they were there and thats what mattered.

    Big ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

    XX
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