🚨 Advance warning 🚨 This forum will be closing on 1st May – please see our pinned thread for more information.
I am fuming with rage!
Just needed to get this off my chest really, as I was quite hurt by my friends reaction.
As some of you know I had a partial molar pregnancy which ended in a mmc in September; discovered at our 12 week scan. The hospital took 2 months to tell me of the diagnosis and when they did the lady who told me was absolutely horrible and said some very inappropriate things. To make things worse I later discovered that the molar had been discovered 4 days after my erpc, but they didn't tell me about it for two months; so for those two months I was walking round like a ticking time bomb.
Anyhoo I have instigated a formal complaint against the hospital and have involved a mediator. Initially I just wrote to them but their response was so shabby that I felt I needed to step up my complaint - hence the mediator. She is organising a meeting with the Chief Exec and other key staff where I will be able to ask my questions face to face.
Well, met up with my friend last night, who I haven't seen in a while, but who I would class as a close friend. I told her about how my complaint was progressing and her reaction has really upset, hurt and offended me! She said that hospitals are big animals and you have to expect alot of human error; that I was just looking for someone to blame for what had happened to me; that it is usual for it to take two weeks for a consultant appointment to come through (even when they had supposedly fast tracked me!), and that I should count myself lucky as it used to be 7 or 8 weeks; and that actually she thinks that the staff there do a good job.
I was completely dumbstruck. Perhaps she doesn't understand how traumatic this experience was for me, but she is a close friend (or so I thought) and frankly I think she should have just listened and sympathised, not argued with me! She kept on about how "people like me" are always picking up on dreadful service - she used the example of Baby P, and how social services are so stretched and in fact do a good job on the whole. She told me that it is "standard" for it to take two weeks to see a consultant for a cancer diagnosis and effectively said that I was whining for no good reason. I replied that frankly one Baby P is one too many, and that waiting for over two months to be told that you may well have cancer (simply through lack of proper communication) is just not acceptable,. But she was undeterred and seemed hell bent on making me feel like my complaint was worthless and stupid and that I was only doing it to get some sort of revenge for what had happened to my baby.
Now I have worked in the public sector in a stress filled and crucial role, and I know what it is like to be under pressure day after day, and I understand that one simple mistake can have catastrophic consequences, But I also understand how easy it is to put systems in place to avoid those catastrophes, and also think it is unacceptable to just expect bad service, simply because it is the NHS, and "what else can you expect". These are all excuses for bad service, not reasons.
I think the worst part was when she said that, yeah, ok, I had had a rubbish experience, but those doctors see so many women and just think how many lives they have saved and how many women have been perfectly happy with their treatment. OH WELL THAT'S OKAY THEN - IT'S FINE THAT THEY FAILED TO DIAGNOSE ME WITH A POSSIBLY LIFE THREATENING CONDITION!
Even as I sit here now I am so hurt and upset about it - and totally incandescent with rage! It's fine for her to have her opinion, and I do agree that the NHS do a sterling job under enormous pressure, but that does not excuse their treatment of me, and they should be brought to book on it. I just can't believe that she has so little empathy for what I went through that she cannot understand why I need to push forward with me complaint. I thought she was my friend and would support me, but instead she made me feel so little and like what had happened to me was so inconsequential. God forbid that she ever, ever go something like this, but perhaps it would do her some good, because then she would be able to understand how I feel. Although, how can ANYONE not at least sympathise with something like this??????????
Sorry, really bad rambling for 9 in the morning. Sometimes I think that the ladies on here have been better friends to me that my "real" friends, and while it is lovely to have all you lovely ladies on my side, it does make me sad that someone I thought was a really close friend can be just so hurtful.![:\](https://forum.madeformums.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
(
As some of you know I had a partial molar pregnancy which ended in a mmc in September; discovered at our 12 week scan. The hospital took 2 months to tell me of the diagnosis and when they did the lady who told me was absolutely horrible and said some very inappropriate things. To make things worse I later discovered that the molar had been discovered 4 days after my erpc, but they didn't tell me about it for two months; so for those two months I was walking round like a ticking time bomb.
Anyhoo I have instigated a formal complaint against the hospital and have involved a mediator. Initially I just wrote to them but their response was so shabby that I felt I needed to step up my complaint - hence the mediator. She is organising a meeting with the Chief Exec and other key staff where I will be able to ask my questions face to face.
Well, met up with my friend last night, who I haven't seen in a while, but who I would class as a close friend. I told her about how my complaint was progressing and her reaction has really upset, hurt and offended me! She said that hospitals are big animals and you have to expect alot of human error; that I was just looking for someone to blame for what had happened to me; that it is usual for it to take two weeks for a consultant appointment to come through (even when they had supposedly fast tracked me!), and that I should count myself lucky as it used to be 7 or 8 weeks; and that actually she thinks that the staff there do a good job.
I was completely dumbstruck. Perhaps she doesn't understand how traumatic this experience was for me, but she is a close friend (or so I thought) and frankly I think she should have just listened and sympathised, not argued with me! She kept on about how "people like me" are always picking up on dreadful service - she used the example of Baby P, and how social services are so stretched and in fact do a good job on the whole. She told me that it is "standard" for it to take two weeks to see a consultant for a cancer diagnosis and effectively said that I was whining for no good reason. I replied that frankly one Baby P is one too many, and that waiting for over two months to be told that you may well have cancer (simply through lack of proper communication) is just not acceptable,. But she was undeterred and seemed hell bent on making me feel like my complaint was worthless and stupid and that I was only doing it to get some sort of revenge for what had happened to my baby.
Now I have worked in the public sector in a stress filled and crucial role, and I know what it is like to be under pressure day after day, and I understand that one simple mistake can have catastrophic consequences, But I also understand how easy it is to put systems in place to avoid those catastrophes, and also think it is unacceptable to just expect bad service, simply because it is the NHS, and "what else can you expect". These are all excuses for bad service, not reasons.
I think the worst part was when she said that, yeah, ok, I had had a rubbish experience, but those doctors see so many women and just think how many lives they have saved and how many women have been perfectly happy with their treatment. OH WELL THAT'S OKAY THEN - IT'S FINE THAT THEY FAILED TO DIAGNOSE ME WITH A POSSIBLY LIFE THREATENING CONDITION!
Even as I sit here now I am so hurt and upset about it - and totally incandescent with rage! It's fine for her to have her opinion, and I do agree that the NHS do a sterling job under enormous pressure, but that does not excuse their treatment of me, and they should be brought to book on it. I just can't believe that she has so little empathy for what I went through that she cannot understand why I need to push forward with me complaint. I thought she was my friend and would support me, but instead she made me feel so little and like what had happened to me was so inconsequential. God forbid that she ever, ever go something like this, but perhaps it would do her some good, because then she would be able to understand how I feel. Although, how can ANYONE not at least sympathise with something like this??????????
Sorry, really bad rambling for 9 in the morning. Sometimes I think that the ladies on here have been better friends to me that my "real" friends, and while it is lovely to have all you lovely ladies on my side, it does make me sad that someone I thought was a really close friend can be just so hurtful.
( 0
Replies
g/c from ttc. I hope you don't mind me responding to you. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, it must be awful that you are having to go through this when you are trying to grieve for your loss.
I'm so sorry your friend reacted this way Moonandstars. You have every right to be angry. As you said, even if she felt this way, as a freind she should empathise and support you.
I think a lot of people don't understand what you have been through is like. My friend had a mc and people reacted with the typical, well at least you know you can conceive. No one supported her in her grief.
The fact that they also missed a life threatening condition is even worse and there are no excuses for that. We all know the NHS are under stress but as you said, there should be practices in place for certain issues and there are no excuses for their errors. They need to hold their hands up and assure you these mistakes won't happen.
I do hope you get a satisfactory outcome with your complaint, it certainly won't make all of your hurt and frustrations go, but at least you know something has been done to stop it happening again.
Good luck with everything.
V xx
hope you feel better after getting it off your chest,
You're friend certainly should have been much more sympathetic. I think you never really "know" what someone has been through unless you have been through it yourself, but this is no excuse for her words, she shouldn't have had such an opinion when not going through it directly herself,
having gone through a mc and also the week after our mc to be told that my FIL had cancer, I think that any time to wait for results is too long. we are not robots we are human beings with emotions, thoguths and feelings. I do think the NHS do a fabulous job, but I dont think there is room for errors and delays when dealing with people's health x
I hope you get somewhere with your complaint, and dont be fobbed off, keep going until you get a sufficient answer and response.
lots of hugs
PB
x x x
I know that when you are friends you should be able to agree to disagree, but I think that is for things like your choice between Gordon Brown or David Cameron, not for such personal things as this.
Sorry to hear about your FIL - how is he doing? You're right - it may be "standard" to have to wait to hear results, but that doesn't make it right does it? I think that was what hurt - she didn't seem to be able to understand why I was so cut up about the huge delay in telling me.
Thanks again hun xx
You have every right to feel very hurt by what she has said and her attitude, certainly doesn't sound like something a caring close friend should say/do.
I am not sure I would have been able to keep the conversation going without walking off/out to be honest!
You have been treated unfairly and her attitude towards you and the care you have been given is shocking, I certainly wouldn't expect it from anyone I considered to be a friend.
One thing I have learnt through my mc is that people are very insensitive, one friend asked my part way through my mc was 'if I had actually been pg in the first place???!!' WTF???! I would never dream of saying something like that, not even to someone I didn't like very much!
Hugs xxxx
I agree with the other girls really. NHS do a great job under so much pressure but some staff have no tact or people skills to what people are actually going through! I have quite an extensive gynae history & was once fobbed off by a hospital doctor when I asked what would happen if I couldnt conceive I was simply told "if you cant have baby, well then you cant have a baby"!!!.
Anyway back to the point, everyone is entitled to an opinion but you do expect a good friend who you confide in to be supportive of our individual circumstances, not being rude but shes obviously not that clued up & sounds a bit like she was looking for an argument, what right minded person starts such a personasl debate with a hormonal pg woman was she looking for a slap or something!!!LOL xxx
You went through an absolutley awful experience, and the treatment you recieved was inexcusable - I agree that the NHS are under a lot of pressure but courtesy is something that can be offered quite easily.
I'm sorry you're friend wasn't supportive hun, I hope you're a least feeling a little better now.
Lots of hugs
xxx
11 years ago my friend was physically carried into her GP's surgery by her dad having been throwing up, lethargic, sensitive to light and was diagnosed with tonsilitis. Hours later she was on Life Support - she had Meningococcal Septiceamia. I'm sure her Dr had successfully treated a huge number of patients but I have never forgiven him for his misdiagnosis. You are right to be fighting your corner after they have given an unacceptable level of care.
I hope you casn find support from other friends and family xxx
11 years ago my friend was physically carried into her GP's surgery by her dad having been throwing up, lethargic, sensitive to light and was diagnosed with tonsilitis. Hours later she was on Life Support - she had Meningococcal Septiceamia. I'm sure her Dr had successfully treated a huge number of patients but I have never forgiven him for his misdiagnosis. You are right to be fighting your corner after they have given an unacceptable level of care.
I hope you casn find support from other friends and family xxx
I just can't get over it - you're all right - you would expect her to be supportive wouldn't you????? Huni - the only thing that stopped me walking out was the fact we were waiting for our food to arrive and I was starving!
I'm trying to move on now - I don;t want this to spoil my friendship with her, but I think it has tarnished it a bit. What annoys me is that at the moment she is having lots of work stress and when she was telling me about stuff that was happening I agreed with her that her boss was out of line. At the same time though, I thought that some of HER actions had been out of order too. But I didn't say it to her face - I kept my own counsel on that one because she was upset about work and needed someone to be on her side. Sometimes a friend needs to be someone who will tell you the truth, but other times a friend needs to just listen and support, and NOT MAKE JUDGEMENTS!!!
I had an appointment with the consultant at my hospital recently after a horrific experience and my baby nearly dying.
The consultant admitted that my treatment was below standard and that because they were neglectful in my care both my child and I were put in a life threatening position.
So as far as shoddy service goes- I feel your pain. My appointment did infect take about 10 weeks to come through so I think two weeks is fairly speedy. However your friend should have just supported you, I've been on the receiving end of the 'well your babies fine now so never mind and just be grateful comments' but to be honest I feel I would be doing my child a disservice if I didn't carry on with my complaint until I get at the very least a formal written apology from the hospital- after all their shoddy service nearly killed us both!
I'm very much of the opinion that sometimes 'there is no other point of view' when you're supporting your friends or family and you just have to get behind them and support them no matter what your opinions are and your situation is definitely one of those times.
xx
Ten weeks to wait for an appointment? That's just awful. What bugs me about my appointment time is that I know from personal experience that if they want to book you in the following day, they do, so there was absolutely no need for me to wait those two weeks. Sort of grates on me that one.
You should deffo press forward with your complaint. Yes, okay, you are both fine, but that was more luck than anything - someone else may not have been as lucky. That's another reason why I feel I need to press forward with mine - in the end my hcg levels were normal so no cancer for me thank God, but again, that was LUCK. I might well have been seriously ill.
Hope you are both well now - good luck with your complaint.