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Really put on the spot yesterday!!!

Hi,

Bit of background, i work for a 6th form college and have certain staff that report to me, I'm not their boss, just their contact. Anyway, one of our cleaners struggles with english and he came to see me yesterday as his wife has suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks (baby died at around 7 weeks) and he wanted me to make a decision for him and his wife on what is the best way to go around passing the baby. I belive they've been told to wait and let it happen naturally or they could have a medical procedure. Now I haven't actually suffered a miscarriage at a stage where any intervention was needed and don't really know about what to do at that stage if you miscarry. But he really was insistent that as I had lost a baby last year then i should know what they need to do and wanted me to call his wife to tell her. As the title suggest I really felt put on the spot and didn't know what to say. In the end i had to explain that I didn't have an operation to take my baby away (if only it were that easy) and that I physically had to go into labour and push and give birth. It was awful having to do this and I felt really intimidated to have to explain my circumstances to him, but he just wouldn't let it go!! I was quite pissed off to say the least. Luckily someone else came into the office so he left, but i felt quite shaken by it. Plus it just goes to show how so many people do not understand what we have to go through when you lose a baby later in pregnancy!!

Has anyone else had something like this happen to them??

Hope everyone is well xx

Replies

  • Hay, What a silly man! Hope you aren't feeling to 'upset' by it all, some people really just don't know what they are saying!! Strange that you posted this as i had a bit of an 'cringe' situation yesterday aswell...

    I was speaking to one of the girls ( well woman) that has started working at playgroup, she knows im pregnant but didn't know about Darcey, so i was just explaining that we had been for the scan on monday and baby was another girl and how much i was loving my wee bump! She went on to say 'oh, thats nothing, just wait and see you will hate it in a few months when you start to feel uncomfortable etc'' So obviously she hadn't picked up on me saying ''another baby girl'' So i said something like, well i didn't actually get to uncomfortable with my last pregnancy''.... she then said ''Oh, i didn't realise, em... i just assumed because you are so young that this was your first.... blah blah'' So then i butted in and told her that I had a little girl last year but we lost her at 38 weeks etc, her response '' Oh thats a shame, I know somebody who lost their baby on there due date... that was just un imagineable for her, i mean once you get to your due date, you really think thats you, shes alot older than you aswell, so she really did struggle. Atleast you could move on and try again without worrying about concieving, she had that added worry''

    So i didn't really know what to say! Asif and extra 2 weeks takes it from being ' a shame' to ' un imagineable'... and while i understand we are 'lucky' that we are young and so therefore SHOULDN'T struggle to concieve again, i thought her reaction was a bit harsh!! I just try not to let peoples comments/ reactions get to me, if i did i'd be in a much worse place!!

    xx
  • Wow I can't believe some people and at the same time I sadly can!!!!
    I agree Noone seems to get what we physically or emotionally go through which is infuriating when they then do things like that. Having said that my ils don't even know how traumatic child birth is! I don't really understand how they do it abroad but basically she fell asleep, woke up and was handed baby BUT no c-section!!!!!! Did the man seem to understand when you spelt it out to him? Unfortunately I think sometimes a language difficulty also causes insensitivity as each person tries to communicate. I really hope it didn't upset you too much though.

    Celidha that also sounds terrible and nit that it would
    make any difference to you but anything over 38 weeks is classed as full term, it defintely sounds like 'wise words' from someone who has never experienced pregnancy at all.
  • Thanks girls, it's a shame as the guy in question is one of my favourites and he still will be, he just couldn't understand what I was trying to get across to him. I did feel a little upset, but i think that was a combination of my sadness for him as well as having to talk through what I went through. They have decided to go for the natural method as he is convinced that a medical procedure will hinder their chances of trying again. It's a shame as his wife is about 43 and he 49 so time isn't really on their side.
    Celidha, some people just don't think. What an awful thing to say to you. It's like saying well i know someone that went one better than you and lost the baby on her due date, so there!! Losing a baby at any stage is traumatic, obviously when it's later in the pregnancy and you have to give birth like we all did it makes it that little more traumatic. Then there's the funeral afterwards, followed by post mortem results. It takes months before you can even begin to move on. All i can say is this woman has obviously never lost a child, for which i am happy for her, but insensitive comments like that don't help. And as for the "oh well you're young enough to try again" comment, what was she thinking. At the end of the day your age doesn't come into it, you are Darceys mum, just like that other woman was a mum to the child she lost, age means nothing!! I hope you didn't let her get to you, unfortunately we'll probably face many instances like the ones we faced yesterday.
    W4B - Where do you get booked in for these labours where you go to sleep and wake up to the baby?? I may book a flight!! ha ha. So pleased your pregnancy is out in the open now, my and my OH Rob are so please for you xxx
  • I know I'd love to understand what she means but it just sounds like a fairytale lol, maybe she was drugged into not remembering!!!!!!

    I'd got the impression that medical procedure 'could' effect chances too, d&c could puncture womb or something like that, I'm not sure about being induced but I know for me there's no way I could just 'wait', it's so hard you just want to get on with it......
    I agree age shouldn't come into it and unless they've special powers they have no idea the problems any one can face. Young rather than nearing menopause 'may' be on your side but there's no guarantees either way- I often think 'i'm too young to be going through this' though, not that any age should deal with this, it's certainly aged me as far as waking up to reality goes. It's like when people say ' you'll have more and forget'- of course I won't you idiot, if you're parent died do you just get a new one!!!!! Aaaarrrggh!
    I can imagine it must have been very hard for you dotty, being put in that situation having to go through your pain and feel you're hitting a brick wall emotionally


  • Hi, iv'e just been reading your messages, and I can't believe the things some people say. I think alot of the time it is just ignorance but with some people they are complete idiots regardless!!
    I am however, intrigued by this labour where you just wake up and your baby is there!! Amazing!!
    xxx
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