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How do you balance the load with your OH?

I saw a thread on this in DIM and it's something that DH and I are struggling with so thought I'd see what you guys are doing.

My husband works long days in the city in quite a stressful environment. I am very conscious of the fact that without his job we wouldn't be in the fortunate position we are in, in that I don't have to go back to work. Because of his job I am doing all of Matilda's care night and day (with exception of the weekends when we do share the load more) and I have to say, I am shattered and (I hate to admit this) a bit resentful that he gets full nights sleep every night!

What we have tried is that he took over all night on Sat so I got one decent nights sleep but then I was tired again by Mon morning and all I could think about was how many more nights I had to get through before the next Sat night so I could sleep! How are you guys balancing things? Give me some ideas!

K x

Replies

  • Hi I'm also don't work DH works 5 days a week something to do with IT but really not sure what he actually does all too technical!
    Anyway since Grace was 4 weeks old he has done baths nearly every night (I can honestly say i havn't bathed her as much only tend to do it once a month when he's away) the deal used to be when she would wake through the night I would get up through the week when he was at work & on a week end if i'd been up more then twice through the night i would get the lie ins which usually was both days,when she started sleeping through bit more we started taking turns,now i'm pregnant with no2 i get the lie ins & DH gets up with Grace,I know i'm really lucky but just wanted to add i do all house work cooking etc so i don't sound like a lazy trout! hope this helps xo
  • I'm lucky at the moment because hubby has taken 6 weeks off, so doesn't go back till the 27th, but I'm dreading that day now as he does so much at the moment...he makes up all the bottles, does all the cooking and cleaning, and occasionally does a night or early morning feed to give me a break. He also walks the dog and feeds her. Once he goes back to work I'll be like you and take over all baby related stuff during the week and I can see myself quickly resenting him getting sleep. He'll be out of the house from 7am till 6pm and I'm scared I won't hack it. At the moment I get him to watch Lucas if I need to do washing, have a shower etc, but won't be able to do that.

    In short, sorry I do waffle, I think what you're feeling is normal. Have you tried maybe him taking a night off you during the week too to refresh you...even if he just takes from 7 till 12...

    This is gonna get easier right??

    Hxx
  • Me and DH share everything. His attitude is that my job is 24/7 without a day off so the fact that he goes out to work is irrelavent. He comes homw from work and takes over with Blake whilst I do dinner. Then Blake will have a bath with either DH or myself (Blake HATES the baby bath with a passion) then we alternate the night feeds. Hubby gets 2 days off a week so on his first day off, I take Blake in the living room from 7am so he can get a lay in , then on his next day off, he does the same for me. Writting this, I've just realised how damn lucky I am, lol.
  • I must admit that I too feel a little resentful when I am up at 3am feeding Finley and hubby is sound asleep beside me.

    Finley is exclusively BF apart from one feed a day. Hubby works 5 days a week so the deal is. He gets home and gives Fin his bath usually between 5.30 and 6pm. He will then cook dinner and walk the dog while I feed Finley and attempt to get him to sleep (which never ever works and he ends up down with us) We then go to bed at 10pm and hubby gives him his bottle and puts him to bed. That is then him done on weekdays. He is more involved at weekends and plays with him etc in the morning so that I can have a nice bath but weekdays he is out of the house before Fin is even awake.
  • DH only went back to work yesterday, so I think we'll have to see how things pan out. He tends to stay up until 11.30 - 12, so I've been feeding Daisy and then leaving her downstairs with him for a a while, I might get in an hour or so of sleep before he comes up.

    Last night she was grizzling so I took her into the spare room. He has quite a long drive to work and I worry about him driving tired. I'm starting to try and express, so I'm hoping he can do an evening feed or perhaps during the night at the weekends.

    I am managing to grab a nap most days, but Daisy has no kind of routine at the moment so it can be a bit hit and miss. I'm aiming to start trying at least to get a routine established (at least at bedtime) in the next couple of weeks.

    DH has to go to Edinburgh all next week so I will be totally on my own with her. I'm jealous that he gets a whole week of sleep in a hotel, I think he'll have to do some extra over the bank holiday weekend!
  • I have no advice as I am in exactly the same boat and was going to start a similar hread!

    I'm also doing all the night feeds and obviously day feeds as Michael leaves the house for work at 7 and gets homes at 7 at night. He feeds and baths him when he gets in at night and we share everything at weekend.

    I must admit although he is a fantastic Dad and husband I am starting to get a bit fed up and overwhelmed that I am doing all this.

    I have spoken to him tonight about this as although he is at work all day, I am looking after a little boy who doesn't seem to like sleeping in the day!

    He has said I should start going to bed when he gets home from work. To be honest though, I want to see him and have a bit of adult conversation!

    I just keep telling myself that things will get easier and to be honest I never realised it would be so bloody hard.

    I feel bad typing this as he's a great Dad, but I am at my wits end.

    H x
  • Our situation is a bit more complicated with a 3 year old in the mix so we are both stretched extra thin! During the week dh tends to sleep in the spare room as he's a light sleeper and gets no sleep if in with us! I deal with all grace's night feeds/nappy changes etc but if our 3 year old wakes up he goes in to settle her. On a weekend pre Grace we used to take it in turns for a lie in . Now he sort of gets one on a saturday as I take both girls out early for DD1's ballet class although we don't tend to get out of the house quietly so he's usually up! On a sunday (my old lie in day) he gets up with DD1 but i still have Grace with me so my lie in is dependat on if I can get her back to sleep after her first feed. In the day though I def do the lions share with both girls. Even on a weekend I do 70% of Graces nappy changes and invariably instigate out of the house activities with DD1 which I currently have to always take Grace along to because of bfing. I also walk the dog 99% of the time which pisses me off but dh will happily stay couped up inside all day and I really need to get out and about - even if just to walk the dog! I should add that he has crones disease which can really wipe him out and stops him doing more on a weekend. It is tough on me though at times and I do get resentful when it feels like everyone wants a piece of me!

  • This is gonna get easier right??

    God, I hope so renri! We did think about him doing a night in the week but he leaves the house at 6.30am and gets home at 7.30pm (on an early day!). I really don't think he'd be able to function at work after a full on Matilda night!

    I should say as well I have managed to get Matilda into a really good bedtime routine and she is bathed, fed and in bed by 7pm which means we do get the evenings together but just means that DH isn't home in time to get involved in this and I don't really want to disrupt her now.

    Leeann - I am liking your set up!

    Hayley - I think you hit the nail on the head by using the word 'overwhelming'.

    I'm really grateful I have you guys to talk to. I'd be going (even more!) out of mind without you all! :roll:

  • As my husband has a 100 mile round trip driving for work - from Sunday to Wednesday night I sleep in the spare room with LO. OH does the 7pm feed and 10pm dream feed then goes to sleep until his alarm goes off at 6am - so he gets a good 7 hours sleep. I go to bed at 10pm and sleep through until LO wakes up at 3am so I also get 4-5 hours sleep.

    On Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, we sleep together and my husband does this 3am feed so I can sleep through. Seems to work and I don't resent him at all. Can't wait until 3 months or so when (hopefully) LO sleeps through so we can be back in the room though.
  • This is really interesting reading what other people do. I do 100% of the feeding - it is more my choice than my OH's as I just never seem to have time for expressing and also I am worried about expressing then not having enough milk for Benjamin! Alex gets back from work around 6.30pm but by this time Benjamin is cluster feeding and so he just has a cuddle in between feeds. At 7.15 one of us will go in the bath with Benjamin and the other will sort his bedtime clothes & his room out then take him out the bath and dress him. I will then give him his evening feed and Alex starts on dinner. We both have a tidy round downstairs before going up. When his sleeping wasn't very good and he was up from 5am, Alex would take him with him whilst he got ready in the morning so I could get another hours sleep but that's not necessary now as Benjamin usually sleeps till 7.30-8.30! At the weekends we share care but I do do the majority - just really because I see things before Alex does and I can't help myself!

    To be honest, the way I see it is that I get to be with Benjamin all day and do lovely things like baby massage and baby cinema (Robin Hood yesterday - rubbish - Russell Crowe is a d*ck!) and go for walks in the sunshine whilst Alex is out earning the money so I don't mind doing the lions share. Having said this I know that Benjamin is an extraordinarily easy baby at the moment & I am not sleep deprived which I think is really the key to everything - if this changes then we might have to review the situation!!

    xx


  • baby cinema (Robin Hood yesterday - rubbish - Russell Crowe is a d*ck!)

    xx

    Let's get this right Ruth - you went to the CINEMA???! I barely have time to pee!!!! How can this be right?
    image
  • You are so right ruth in that no matter how hard it is we are the lucky ones as we're with our LOs 24/7 whilst our poor OHs are hard at work to pay for our baby massage classes!


  • baby cinema (Robin Hood yesterday - rubbish - Russell Crowe is a d*ck!)

    xx

    Let's get this right Ruth - you went to the CINEMA???! I barely have time to pee!!!! How can this be right?
    image

    :lol: Last week it was J-Lo and the back-up plan, much better. I can't wait for SATC2!! Things do get much easier very quickly, we have stuff planned for most days now - I'd go nuts being stuck in the house all day!! Just to show off we're going to the hairdressers this afternoon image, my roots are about 3" long!! Fingers crossed Benjamin sleeps but I've expressed just in case! but Benjamin is 6 weeks now - I wouldn't have been doing this 2 or 3 weeks ago xxx
  • oh my goodness i am reading all the routines you all have and feel so upset.

    Etienne has colic and it just rules out any bedtime routine whatsoever. She cries constantly from 7pm every night and just cannot be put to bed, its awful.

    Hubby is wonderful and takes her for walks every night when he gets home, he'll also help bath her,but i am exclusively breast feeding so I am on my own with that. Se is often crying til 2 or 3am so we have to take turns to comfort her, and eat etc.

    I also find it hard to do anything every day, she sleeps on me, will rarely settle in her cot and cries when I put her down.

    I feel so defeated, some days I can't even get dressed.

  • We don't really have a routine MG, don't worry. I tend to have to hold Lucas all day due to colic, but he is getting better at night, and even slept in his crib last night instead of his Moses basket. Our osteopath on Monday suggests placing him in something lovely and soft to sleep during the day, as long as he's not left alone, to get him to relax more. We bought a Sit Me Up Cosy from ELC, just a big blow up ring with a soft blanket over the top really, and it's worked wonders! He settles in it really well, much better than in his bouncer chair, and has even started fallng asleep in it! Might be worth a try for you...

    Hxx
  • MG, I am so sorry you are feeling so down, it is so unfair that you are having such a tough time. When Benjamin won't settle I put him in his BabyBjorn sling so I have two free hands and can get stuff done - do you think Etienne would go in one? I know it's easy for me to say this but colic doesn't last forever, I really hope it passes quickly for you all xxx
  • I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of things MG. Have you thought about getting a nice stretchy wrap sling and wearing Etienne close to you during the day? If she doesn't like to be put down, it will help her to feel that she's very close to you where she can feel your body heat and hear your heartbeat. We have a SleepyWrap which is from America and Ethan loves it but I can ask my sling expert pals to recommend a more readily available one if you like?
  • MG, I have no advice or words of wisdom I am afraid just want you to know that I am thinking of you and I hope that Ettienne feels better soon xxxxx
  • I really feel for you MG. I've had a frustrating day with Grace today where she's not settled at all unless I'm holding her and wants to bf all day long. I've finally got her to sleep in her pram after a long walk but now that I've stopped she's already stirring. It must be so hard to have days like this every day. Wish I had something more helpful to say other than you're not alone and we're all here if you need to chat. Xxx feebs
  • Aw MG i'm sorry you're having a tough time, but I have been assured that it will and does get easier. Just hang in there. xx
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