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Post Natal Depression / Issues with OH

Hi Girls,

I've been told i've got PND and have just started on some Anti-Depressants and am booked to start seeing a counsellor. The problem I'm having (which I've had from when I first had Holly-Kate) is my Husband. He is getting really angry and argumentative with me because I'm feeling so low. I really make an effort to be cheery when all I want to do is cry but he just makes me feel worse. I've not in anyway not bonded with Holly-Kate, it's quite the opposite actually- I want to be with her all the time and she is all that is keeping me going right now.

I feel as though my marriage is going down the drain. I don't feel the same way about him. He does F**k all to help me and when he does he doesn't give Holly-Kate or what he's doing his full attention. Since he's been back at work (since Holly-Kate was 1 week old) he has been busy every weekend so we hardly see him. He's going to a music festival for 5 days next week and that is all he can bloody talk about (that and the World Cup- which means he'll be down the pub a lot too). He's also gone out 4 nights this week after work, he says he'll only be an hour but 4 hours later he comes home. If i'm totally honest, I don't trust him to look after her on his own because he has spent hardly any time with her. As I have been doing it all, I have us in a really good routine but then he gets angry when I put her to bed and he's not held her or played with her but it'll be me that will be the one that has to settle her when she starts screaming. He never gets up in the night- not even at the weekend.

I've just had enough. He isn't bothered. Nothing has changed for him since we've had her. He's still carrying on as though we have no responsibility. Today, instead of spending time with me and Holly-Kate, he's gone to spend the day with his best mate and his little 4 year old son. Instead of spending time with them, why not spend time with his wife and child.

What shall I do? I can't go on like this. It's making me feel worse. I'm actually looking forward to him going away next week. I can't bear to be around him.

Sorry for the long post, but I don't know where else to turn. I haven't really got any friends except for my Brother in laws girlfriend but she doesn't understand as I tried to talk to her the other day but she wasn't really interested.

Kim

Replies

  • hi, im so soory you are feeling this way. I had PND with my 2nd and my husband was just like yours. I was so sick of being up in the night trying to comfort a screaming baby and an awake 2 yr old and with him telling me to keep them quiet because he's got work.
    I know just how you feel.
    Im not one to tell you what to do really though because i left him... that may not be what you need to do.
    You really, really need to tell him! Doesnt matter if you feel harsh or that you might hurt his feelings because you leaving him or doing something to yourself will be much worse for him.
    He is soooooooo wrong still doing all the things he wants to do, you are both his responsibility.
    I left my husband to be on my own with 2 children and i dont regret it one bit, people kept telling me i was just being over-sensitive because of the PND, i knew i wasn't. I have now met a wonderful man and have a new baby, he does everything for her and wont leave her side ( which can be annoying in itself. lol)
    I have PND again but him being here helps so much.
    Please, please talk to him. I tried to end my life twice because of it and wouldnt want anyone feeling likke that.
    I hope so much that he sees things clearly and that everything goes well for you all.
    hugs claire and Lara 9 weeks
    xxxxxxxxxxx
  • Oh honey! I really don't know what to say, what you're dealing with sounds awful. You need to sit down and talk with OH if you can, I know it's not all that easy to do. He needs to start pulling his weight and you need to demand support from him. You both decided to have Holly-Kate and you both need to do your bit. You are clearly a great Mummy, and he needs to step up now.

    Hope this gets better for you sweetie.

    Hxx
  • You poor, poor thing. I definitely think you guys should try and spend more time together (i.e. he shouldn't be going out as much as he is!). Perhaps if you saw him with Holly-Kate more then you would feel much more trusting about him having her and doing things with her. Other than that (and having a good old talk with him about it) I really don't know what to say. I definitely think a new baby, wonderful as it is, can put pressure on a relationship (if only because you have to find the time / energy to maintain it!) but there is absolutely no reason why you guys can't work this out and be fab parents to Holly-Kate together. I really hope he starts being more supportive and you always know you can chat to us XXX
  • Hi Kim,

    So sorry you are having to deal with all this. You really need to talk to your OH about things - is there anyone else who could have Holly-Kate for a couple of hours so the two of you could maybe go for a walk or something and you could tell him how you feel? Also, what about organising things in advance for the three of you to do, even if it's just going out for lunch, to a garden centre etc.? - maybe he thinks if you are just 'in the house' then he is free to make other plans - I'm not at all defending him and I would be seriously p*ssed if my OH was out as much as your husband, but men sometimes don't see things the same way as us.

    I am sure the tablets and the counselling will help you to feel better and more able to deal with the situation, it is definitely something you should discuss with the counsellor as I am sure he/she will have lots of experience with similar situations.

    I really hope that things improve for you soon hun,

    xxxx
  • Hi kim

    I'm so sorry to hear this and that you have no one you can talk to while you're going through this. I'm glad you have posted on here though as we are all here for you.

    Your dh is being totally out of order but as the others have said you need to let him know how you feel. Could he be feeling a bit left out/like a spare part as you are so bonded with Holly-Kate and are so good at looking after her. My DD1 is 3 but dh and I still argue when he feels that I'm telling him how to look after her or Grace. He hates the insinuation (unintentionally) from me that he can't look after his own children when actually its just that he does things differently to me.

    I think sometimes our maternal instincts are so strong it can be easy to make our OHs excluded.

    I really hope you guys work this out and that you feel better soon.

    Lots of love



    Xx
  • kim, is he going to Download? my hubby goes every year and this year he talked about just going for the weekend. i said it wasnt up to me to tell him what he can and cant do, so he is setting off 6am friday morning and coming home monday afternoon! so i know how you are feeling with that. we had arranged to have everyone round from our nct group next sunday too for a bbq, and now i am having to do that on my own. but i am so annoyed i want him to go so i have time with dd on our own. i am hoping dh comes back with a new attitude towards his family, having missed us. maybe your oh will realise how important you both are when he returns.
  • Thanks for all of your advice.

    I tried talking to him last night but in was in a bad mood with me. He got back from seeing his best mate and his son, had some tea then went into another room to watch football.
    I tried to tell myself that he has a different way of looking after her but the day before yesterday when he did have her for half an hour, he sat her on the sofa propped up on a pillow and then kept walking in and out leaving her on her own! When I said she could have fallen, he said I was only a minute to which I replied it only takes a few seconds for her to fall or for the pillow to slip off the leather sofa onto the hardwood floor! He just doesn't get basic safety!

    ***Calleigh***- yes he is going to Download but he's going on Wednesday Morning and coming back Monday Afternoon. I'm sick to death of hearing about it. Tonight he's gone to buy the rest of his food so he can pack all his stuff tonight. Then his best mate is staying tomorrow night ready for Wednesday Morning. He's cooking a decent meal for them tomorrow night as they'll be living of junk whilst they are there. He doesn't even make me a bloody sandwich when I'm rushing round looking after our daughter.

    I think I'm going to give it till when he gets back and try and talk to him again and see how things go and if they change. If not, I don't know what on earth I'm going to do. I feel like I'm failing Holly-Kate if anything happens between us- I'll be leaving her without a Dad. If he can't be bothered now what would he be like if anything did happen between us. I just really hope he gets his act together and I start to feel something for him again. At the moment, I don't think I love him.
  • kim thats rubbish. the bands start friday, which is why hubby is going then. he is self employed. if he was an employee i imagine he would be down from thurs like he used to before going self employed. see how yo feel over the weekend. i find it easier when hes not home as we just get on and do things.
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