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Hi Ladies - Can I Vent?

Its seems pretty crazy to be putting this out there to people I have never met but I literally have no one that I feel like I can talk to in real life.



Oh and I just had a big arguement and I think that I have reached the end of the road with him. I went to the cinema with a couple of freinds and he was to put the baby to bed. This is only the 2nd time he has been alone with him since he was born. I got home at 8.45 and Jason was screaming blue murder. He had been crying since 5 and hadn't slept or had a bottle. As soon as I walked in the room he stopped and took the bottle from me and went to sleep. The whole time oh was going on that he was disgusted at how spoiled he is and its all my fault and then stormed off to the spare room where he has been sleeping since before Jason was born.



After I got J settled I went in and asked if he wanted a cuppa. He told me to get away from him because he was depressed at the way J had turned out and he would never have another baby with me. I told to fu????k off and the only reason he was like that with him was because the child never sees him and doesn't know him and I had dealt with J's tears and tantrums everyday on my own for 6 months.



I just do not want to be married to him anymore. I don't feel upset but very calm. Having J has given me confidence and belief in myself and I realise that this man has ground me down and belittled me so much over the last few years that I am a shadow of myself. I met him not long after I was raped by someone I was dating and he made me feel protected and a big part of me felt that if I was married I wouldn't have to go out and meet people and risk it happening again. I was very vulnerable and I let him control me but I want Me back. I felt like tonight that he doesn't really like J very much either so I don't feel so bad about it.



I just don't know how to go about doing it. I have looked at some flats but I don't know what I could afford on my salary and would probably have to go back to work early so I could use my savings for a deposit and first months rent. I would like everything to be decided and sorted before I tell my mum and dad so they aren't too worried.



I'm also worried about him trying to take the baby out of the country to Kenya and me never seeing him again. This is something that really puts me off leaving. I'd rather be unhappy forever than never see my son again. I wonder if there is anyway that I can stop him from getting J a Kenyan passport?



Anyway, lots to think about.

Replies

  • Hi Faithie didnt want to leave this unanswered , you sound like you have been doing a lot of thinking and you have to do whats best for you and your little one . I am not sure at all about the practicalities either ... you need to speak to somebody to find out what benefits are out there to help you back on your feet while you decide , i dont know the ins and outs of what you will be due as a single parent family and what is best for you in the long run but I hope it all works out for you , always here to listen !



    I dont know about the passport thing but surely you would both have to sign for his passport ? i am sure if you think that there is a risk of him taking him you have grounds for only supervised visits .. if indeed he even wants to still see his son ....



    is it worth speaking to citizens advice first ?

    xxxx
  • Faithie I also think you should take a visit to the citizens advice bureau and make sure you write down the kety questions you have.



    They usually ahve a free law surgery thingy perhaps in an evening where you can speak to a lawyer (i did this when I had trouble at my old work).



    I would make sure the you have all of J's important documents aswell.



    Here is some info regarding passports:

    http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Passports/Applyingforaneworrenewedchildpassport/DG_174105



    If I were you I would plan only supervised visits when you have support with you.



    Is it possible to move back with mum & dad for a bit?



    I am so sorry you are being treated like that. it's hard enough having depression but you do not deserve that hun x



    I don't hjave much knowledge on the subject but please feel free to email or facebook me for a chat. if you put pinkbamib into the facebook search I should come up with my simpsons pic as a profile pic x
  • I think that you can ring or email citizen advice http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/



    Would your local council help you out with housing or something?

    Or your mum and dad?



    I'd deffo go with a contact centre as well so that you have peace of mind but from what you have said he probably wont be bothered anyway. Make sure you go through the chanels to get him to pay for this child, let's face it you have both suffered because of him having to pay for his kids back in Kenya!



    Good luck hun and remember you are worth more than that x
  • Hi Faithie,



    I'm from DIS, or BIS but my original due date was august, so I pop in every now and again.



    I just read your thread and felt compelled to reply. You seem like you have thought about this a lot.



    You deserve to be happy. You need to do what is going to make you happy. It must be heartbreaking to see how little interest your oh has in your LO.



    I thi k that if your OH did try to take your LO away, it is classed As international child abduction, and you would be able to fight it every step of the way. Although, if he isn't interested now, perhaps he wouldn't even try to take him away?



    I would advise you to speak to someone close, like your mum and dad, so that you get the support your need.



    Sending your lots of love, for whatever you decide xxx
  • Hi hun! Didn't want to R&R but the ladies have given you some fab advice!!! I think the CAB would be fab port of call and you would come very high on list for council housing (don't know if it's the same in Ireland). If it's the same as here you can get on the list quick sharp and list yourself as homeless with a child sleeping on someones couch they will help!



    I think this has all been bubbling for some time and I think you have had quite a bit of time to think about it all!! Sometimes the bravest thing is just to be alone. Your family will understand. My mum made the mistake of staying with someone for 13 years utterly miserable, she tried to leave once but her parents told her she had made her bed...her life would have been very different if she had left all that time ago!



    Thinking of you and Jason at this stressful time but as you said you feel quite calm, this is usually the relief once your decision has been made!



    Take care!!! xxxxxx
  • hi luvi, the other ladies are right, definately speak to CAB and also your health visitor might have some other contacts she could pass on...



    I really hope things do go right for you and this stressful time passes quickly



    Are all your family near you?

    Is there anywhere further you could go to create some distance?



    big hugs to you and Jason

    xx
  • Awww i'm so sorry things arent any better for you. I think you have done a lot of thinking and it sounds like you have made up your mind.



    I agree with all the above and you have got the strenght to go it alone. You have done sooo well coping by yourself and you sound like a fantastic mum to jason. These babies are hard to cope with and you need/should be VERY proud of yourself. Believe in yourself and believe that you can do it.



    I dont think oh would have a chance in taking j to kenya if jason wont go to him.



    Take care and you know we are all here to chat.



    xxx
  • Thanks for your replies girls.



    Well I'm still here! I told oh that I was thinking of moving out for a while and his immediate response was to tell me to leave J here and not to take his son away from him which freaked me out a bit. We talked a bit but he has shut down completely. I think he knows its going to happen sooner or later but wants it to come from me so that its my fault if you know what I mean? I just can't bring myself to actually pack and go yet. Its been a horrible year for my family and they are just putting things behind them. I just don't think my mum and dad could cope with another drama at the minute. If I go it will be straight into a new house with everything done and dusted, no chaos and def not into thier house.



    I just have to take my time, think it through and make a plan.



    I'll keep you updated.



    Faith x
  • Thanks for your replies girls.



    Well I'm still here! I told oh that I was thinking of moving out for a while and his immediate response was to tell me to leave J here and not to take his son away from him which freaked me out a bit. We talked a bit but he has shut down completely. I think he knows its going to happen sooner or later but wants it to come from me so that its my fault if you know what I mean? I just can't bring myself to actually pack and go yet. Its been a horrible year for my family and they are just putting things behind them. I just don't think my mum and dad could cope with another drama at the minute. If I go it will be straight into a new house with everything done and dusted, no chaos and def not into thier house.



    I just have to take my time, think it through and make a plan.



    I'll keep you updated.



    Faith x
  • Hi hun,



    How is it going? Thinking of you.



    xxx
  • Hi faith



    i know i'm not BIA technically but you were lots of help to me when preg so i felt compelled to leave you a message. Your doing great with jason and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Frankly your husband shouldnt even be entitled to an opinion if he hasnt put the time and effort in. besides babies are meant to be spoilt its half the fun.



    Hugs comimg your way and yumi sends jason a lick ( thats her way of saying hi now!)



    liz (was elizabethm)
  • Hi Faithie



    Just wanted to see how you are?

    Been thinking of you

    It's a shame none of us are closer



    Are all your family/friends in Ireland?



    My sister lives in Dublin, think I may and try to get over later in the year



    xx
  • Hiya,



    Thanks for all your kind thoughts. I am just a bit all over the place at the minute. I think I have decided to try and stick it out until my step daughters get thier visas which will hopefully be this summer. I know this is causing a huge amount of financial and emotional stress. If things are still [email protected] when they are here I'll know there isn't much else I can do. I'll kep sticking up for myself and letting him know when I am unhappy.



    xx
  • It sounds like you have been giving it alot of thought and your decision sounds very fair. You can only try hey!



    Have the 3 of you gone swimming together, maybe that would be a nice way of you spending family time together.

    It's not expensive and it doesnt take up even half a day.



    When spring comes round on a warm day I'm going to arrange a picnic. Just gets us out and together.



    Hope things do improve



    big hugs and dribbly kisses from Raeya

    xx
  • Hi Faithie, not sure if you come on here anymore, I am more on the 'Born in August 2010' group on FB, a few of us are there so join if you like.

    Anyways hope things are good for you!

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