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hello, and thank you x
Well i thought i should pop my head in here seeing as you've all been so lovely and hunted me out in 'bereavement' thank you, it's meant a lot to hear from you whether on here or fb.
At the moment i feel like i am living in two very different worlds, the one where its happened, and the one where it's not! i am STILL waiting for answers and have no idea what on earth went wrong, originally i'd been worried i had become rhesus senstised as a stupid midwife had told me antibodies had shown up in my blood after delivery, but thankfully that was not the case - i pestered the conultant to find out as i've been going out of my mind thinking my blood killed our baby girl (we named her Angel) and would kill all others to follow. i am now stressing about other possible causes and at the moment its either (in my head and internet surfing) a 'chromosomal abnormality' - which a dr had suggested although im pretty sure that is VERY rare after 12 weeks, or, i was really sick for 24hrs, the irony of that is it was because i was taking a husband's friend's baby daughter to A&E and caught the damn thing from her! but dr said this is also rare, it may be something else but atm these are the 2 im stressing about. (oh and the thought it may be something that explains away zachariahs 'problems' too!
i am desperate to start ttc again and in a strange way it is helping me through it but i dont know if it is safe to do so yet and also as you all know it took me a LONG time to concieve both Zachariah and Angel so who knows! That and my husband is scared to the pount of not really wanting to risk it!
i am going around in circles with this and have not had much help in the way of aftercare. We had her buried as my husband was adamant this was the right thing to do, and it probably was but i have this heart aching pull to go and visit the graveall the time which is driving me insane and so unfair for Zachariah whos only trips recently have been to his sister's grave or tescos! i've yet to start up at all the groups as not really in the mood for lots of children and smiles
Anyway i hope that all of you are doing well and that no-one else has to go through this God awful pain. Hope toddlers, babies and pregnancies are all doing brlliantly and thank you again for all being so lovely. i have no idea how i could cope with life without this site it has become my life line for so many different reasons. i will try to get on more often now and then to see how you all are doing and get myself back to this thing they call life.....................
take care X
At the moment i feel like i am living in two very different worlds, the one where its happened, and the one where it's not! i am STILL waiting for answers and have no idea what on earth went wrong, originally i'd been worried i had become rhesus senstised as a stupid midwife had told me antibodies had shown up in my blood after delivery, but thankfully that was not the case - i pestered the conultant to find out as i've been going out of my mind thinking my blood killed our baby girl (we named her Angel) and would kill all others to follow. i am now stressing about other possible causes and at the moment its either (in my head and internet surfing) a 'chromosomal abnormality' - which a dr had suggested although im pretty sure that is VERY rare after 12 weeks, or, i was really sick for 24hrs, the irony of that is it was because i was taking a husband's friend's baby daughter to A&E and caught the damn thing from her! but dr said this is also rare, it may be something else but atm these are the 2 im stressing about. (oh and the thought it may be something that explains away zachariahs 'problems' too!
i am desperate to start ttc again and in a strange way it is helping me through it but i dont know if it is safe to do so yet and also as you all know it took me a LONG time to concieve both Zachariah and Angel so who knows! That and my husband is scared to the pount of not really wanting to risk it!
i am going around in circles with this and have not had much help in the way of aftercare. We had her buried as my husband was adamant this was the right thing to do, and it probably was but i have this heart aching pull to go and visit the graveall the time which is driving me insane and so unfair for Zachariah whos only trips recently have been to his sister's grave or tescos! i've yet to start up at all the groups as not really in the mood for lots of children and smiles
Anyway i hope that all of you are doing well and that no-one else has to go through this God awful pain. Hope toddlers, babies and pregnancies are all doing brlliantly and thank you again for all being so lovely. i have no idea how i could cope with life without this site it has become my life line for so many different reasons. i will try to get on more often now and then to see how you all are doing and get myself back to this thing they call life.....................
take care X
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Replies
I wish I had something to say to you that would give you the answers you are looking for or undo what hashappened. You are being amazingly brave. Try not to feel too guilty about not taking Zach to groups at the moment, it is totally understandable. Jut take one day at a time, and don't be too hard on yourself.
Did you get chance to look on the bereavement site link I sent you? I really think you and your hubby would benefit from talking to a bereavement councellor. It won 't bring Angel back or stop the pain but it will give you techniques to dealwith it all and help you move forward into the future.
I really hope you get the answers you need asap so you can start thinking about maybe ttc.
Take care hun,big hugs xxx
Huge hugs xxx
Huge hugs to you all x
we have all been thinking of you. much love and hugs xx
big hugs to you all Xxx
Big hugs from us too x x x
Angel is such a lovely name and about trying for another perhaps a bit of time will help and then you may have some answers as to what happened - that way hubby will feel much better about things if you know more about what happened...
take care xxx
Firstly, please try not to blame yourself for what's happened, Angel was destined to be with the other angels, and no amount of guilt or worry will help you in the future. Also, the internet is lethal when we want answers to health related issues...we read into things and end up with the worst case scenario. When you do decide to ttc again, seek advice from your consultant and gp, they gave my friend drugs to help her after her third mc.
Secondly, don't beat yourself up about not going places yet...you have to grieve and Zachariah won't know any different at this age. It may help if you could speak to women in your area who have experienced something similar, your hv may help with this? Little steps to doing things like Star said would be good to help get you both out gradually.
You know where we are, stay brave x
I've organised to go to tumbletots on Monday (as long as car fit after mot tomorrow) and going to see how I feel and how it goes. If ok, I'm hoping to sign back on to tiny talk as all we learnt before taking time out was 'milk' and it's been sooooooooooo useful, bless him! He's picking things up so fast atm but still not really interested in saying anything but appears happy to sign which would be better than nothing.....problem will be me remembering all the signs to teach him!????
soooooo dont feel like you should be over it - thats rubbish, you will never be over it but you will feel better over time!
hope the consultant has some answers for you and gives you the go ahead for trying again WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT!
xxx
Angel- what a lovely name for your little girl.
Take care, Suz xxx
Visiting Angel's grave is not a bad thing unless you start to look on it as a sort of shrine and feel tied to it. Just remember she isn't really there, she is in your heart and you don't have to be at her graveside to be close to her or for her to know that you love her with all your heart.
Big hugs to you and a super big munchy kiss for that gorgeous little boy of yours XXX
Consultants told me results won't be through for at least another 6 weeks which is crazy. I think with Christmas coming I'll be lucky to hear anything before the new year but we'll see.
Thanks diva- I know she's not there but at the same time she is, sometimes I just go crazy and cry because she must be so cold, and then am cross at myself for thinking like that!
It is getting 'easier' and zachariah is trying his hardest to make sure i've got no time to myself to think about anything- he's ill, and oh boy do I know it! Lol
Hope everyone else is ok
i think it must be there age - fin is a bit of handful at mo not all the time but he just wants to do the playfighting and playing with daddy is much more fun than me!!! also he's been ill and so in our bed other night and wont eat etc nightmare x
Hope fin gets better soon. It's sooooo frustrating and yes zachariah can be really rough too, I keep telling his dad he doesn't need to play such rough games with him because he's turning into a right bully. Tells what I can and can't do with a shake of the head and a scream AND even tells me where I can look by quite literally pushing my face in whatever direction he wants! Grrr..... Hope you're doing well, sorry I've not fb'd you recently but have been thinking of you, it's zachariah's bday soon so I know your edd is coming up, hope it goes well and looking fwd to hearing if it's pink or blue. Take care x
It is hard when the toddlers get rough - max is very bossy too everything is MINE or ME DO IT or MUMMY DO THIS! How rude
glad to hear you are doing a little better but don't feel bad for not being over Angel - you have every right to grieve as long as you need. Really hope your consultant gets his arse in gear and sorts your results out for you asap
big hugs
xxx