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Tell me if I am being irrational ....

I know I probably am cos I generally am when the In laws are involved! But here goes (please excuse the rant!)

OK - so as I have mentioned in other posts we are spending Christmas with the in laws - this was not the original plan we agreed that last year would be the last time we went to either parents and it was his parents turn and then this year we were due to have our first family christmas at home - anyway Max's early arrival put pay to that and my mum and dad travelled 6 hours ON CHRISTMAS DAY to be with us, may I add that we asked oh's parents if they wanted to come first (as we were due at them) much against my wishes but (thankfully) they said they couldn't be bothered (HOW DAMN RUDE YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO DRIVE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR SON AND GRANDSON!) Anyway they have spent the whole year complaining about how we didn't go so to shut them up we have decided to go and then have next year as our Christmas at home (at least this year Max won't really remember)!

However now my eldest brother, who lives in Australia is going to be here fro Christmas so I am extra gutted we will not be with my family. My parents have rented a cottage in the Lakes over Christmas so we will go there on the 20th and then leave (as late as poss :lol: ) on Christmas eve.

So here are the issues - my in laws will go TOTALLY overboard with presents I just know it, they always do. That sounds fine but they won't ask if there are things we want or need they will just buy stuff and we will have to get it in the car to get them home and we don't have the biggest house so we want to pick things carefully rather than be overrun with toys we don't like/want.

My mother in law has bought max a highchair for when we are there - great - except it has NO tray table of its own 'so he can sit at the table with everyone,' she says sounds great in theory but most you can get have a removable table anyway. this means that Christmas dinner will be a NIGHTMARE - firstly her christmas dinners just aren't as nice as my mum's - but mainly they will have their wooden antique table out and max will dribble/spill/rub food/ bang things on it etc (wouldn't bother me as if she wants him at the table then she has to accept that but she will fuss about it) he will grab ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in arms reach (like her precious crockery and glassware) to throw on the floor and with the amoutn of STUFF they have on their table there will be plenty in his reach! He will want to eat everythign that anyone else has which may not all be appropriate. And that is just my nightmare Christmas dinner.

Next - they always bang on about how they want us to stay often so they can see max etc. When I say they there is mil and fil and then 2 sisterinlaws and their partners. However, when we do stay they ALL spend ALL the time complaining about any tiny noise that Max makes in the night - it drives me mad! He does wake up in the night but just chatters to himself or needs his dummy back and yes he still gets up about half 6. Yes it must disturb their sleep but it is just for a couple of nigths and they don't ahve to get up to him and if they want to see a baby surely they have to accept this - when I am knackered from getting up to him and they start moaning I just want to yell at them :x especially as the eldest sister is getting married next june and claims she wants a baby straight away - WELL GET USED TO IT THEN COS THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE IN A YEAR OR SO :evil: :x ! It makes me even more on my toes than I would be at home so noises I would normally ignore I jump up for so I end up even more knackered than usual.

Finally (sorry I know it's bee n long) due to the present issue and because we want to start our OWN christmas traditions for Max we were going to set some ground rules (for both sets of grandparents) basically send his Christmas (and birthday list) and say if you want to spend any more please don't buy presents but give us the money to buy him some outdoor toys come next summer or to put into his savings. And also to say please don't buy him anything for his stockign - this is something I really want US to do for him! So we hadn't actually written it all down and sent it yet but it was planned! Anyway when hubbie was talking to his mum yesterday she said she has already bought Max some little things and some things for his stocking - as predicted we are gonna end up with loads of CRAP! am I allowed to still write it all down and send it (pretend hubbie hasn't told me) if she has things for his stocking she can still give them to him but not as part of his stocking! I really want us to be incharge of that and nothign to do with anyone else.

Am I just being a cowbag??? :\?

Replies

  • Oh hun, sounds like you are having a real time of it!

    I can understand how you feel, and I know you probably want to have a nice Christmas with it being your first real Christmas as a family. As you know I have been having problems myself so I can totally sympathise!

    I would say try not to make too big a deal out of the day, that is the way I have started looking at it. Have a Christmas Day when you are with your parents and your brother and make it more of the Christmas you want and then you won't feel so dissapointed when you are at your in laws on the actual Christmas Day.

    As for the table thing maybe get your hubby to point out to her it isn't a great idea and that it is at her own risk if things get broken!

    As for the toys - ebay is a fab place lol! I would say if you get things he isn't going to really be interested in then just ebay them and use the money for something you do want for him.
    I have the same problem as obviously we are flying over so anything we are given has to fit into our cases going back! I have told my Mum and MIL to let family know that if they want to get Bren something that is lovely but if they could make it money towards a swing/ slide set for the garden then that would be great. I've also said to my Mum that if I do get loads of bits of things for him I can't fit in the case I will just leave it at her house so there are toys there for him when we visit.

    I know it can be really frustrating as I have been there loads of times but try not to let it ruin your Christmas and make sure next year you def do it your way!! x
  • I dont think your being a cow bag and I think Liz makes some great points. What doe shubby think about sending the list now? I think he should have a word with his mum about some of the issues to smooth the way and to stop you being on edge. Sorry its a short post btu I didn't want to read and run when you sound so upset by it all x
  • Hell no you aren't being a cowbag or irrational!

    I think your inlaws are being irrational by holding last christmas against you to get you to come to them this christmas! Its not like you wanted max that early to ruin their christmas plans.

    We started laying down the law when I was still pregnant about having christmas day to ourselves, and my mum had hte right hump when i refused to make any plans for christmas..good job really as cole was a week early and i was still in hospital christmas day. We haven't had the christmas topic brought up yet but I'm dreading the inlaws mentioning it cause i have a bad feeling they'll try and come down for cole's birthday and try and stay till christmas. Fortunately hubby is with me on the 'christmas is family day' thing. I don't particularly fancy carting cole all over the shop and especially as this christmas really feels like cole's first - we want to have a nice quiet day together the 3 of us.

    Totally understand what you mean about presents and space.. I don't want us to be over run with stuff for cole with birthday and christmas being so close together and i'm just hoping that the inlaws don't come up and just send money so we can buy what we need for him when we need it rather than stuff thats unsuitable/too big etc. At least my parents should be a bit more sensible as my mum thought it was a good idea to get money so that we can buy summer toys next year. Still..there is always ebay and returning stuff.

    Could you buy a little booster seat for max for travelling with? we got one from mothercare for ??25 and it fastens on to normal dining chairs and has a removable tray and its really good. Antique table plus posh tablewear and a small boy are not good combinations!!!

    Hope its not as bad as you are expecting
  • Liz has made some brill points. As for the pressies when I was up at my mils alot of the things they gave us I really didn't want to bring it all home (MIL is a great one for 'bargains' from the charity shop!)... so... I said wouldn't it be lovely to leave it there so that Fee had her own toys when she came to visit!!! She seemed to like that idea as it made it seemed like we might visit more often!! hehe

    Anyway - you are not being irrational - you have some very valid points - and just a thought...... Let Max make as much noise and mess as he likes (day and night) - they might not invite you back in such a hurry!!!

    xx
  • oh sweetie, try not to get worked up like you said this year although all dec mummies are soooo excited and were all going overboard with pressies they wont remember but next year will be the proper proper xmas with santa etc... so your best having that one with your mum!

    the waking in the night thing well they can f*c* off... that made me angry reading that, i would have to say if a sarcie way he's a baby, they cry, wake in the night GET A LIFE AND STOP MOANING!

    As for the highchair thing - i know what you mean, to be fair my mum has fin every friday and she brought a travel highchair so i could take it away if ever we needed to - and that doesnt have a tray but that was her choice and my mum encourages him to bang hehehe - let max bang away even better make sure you hand him one of her posh silver wear spoons with gravey on!!!hahahaha!
    my mum is having messy play day with fin on fri - apparently cooking spagetti and then letting him play with it...shes mad (primary school teacher..... bless her)

    pressie thing - will tehy really go overboard??? well id say take it all and say thank you with a fake smile and then when you get home sell some of it!!! if i was you perhaps do a list with a little letter - so it looks bit nicer saying that as you dont have much room and max already has lots of things these are some suggestions for pressies!

    my mum is always buying fin little bits like books and things but most of it she puts at hers as im there lots and she has fin on fridays! so shes getting him one thing for bday and then little bits for xmas... hubbys dad has asked us and ive said to get a ride on thing!!! much easier!

    GOOD LUCK!!!!

  • Oh dear...this one day does cause us ladies some problems! I'm lucky and we've always spent Christmas Eve with the outlaws and Xmas day with either my mum n dad, on our own, or with siblings. We're quite easy about the whole day, but I'd hate to be dictated to! We had just that 3 years ago when my sil's hubby made the kids eat dinner b4 the adults then stay in another room while we ate. I was fuming and hence are never spending it with him again (poor sil was so ill too and her tosser hubby just blamed her for being ill!). Ooh can you see what I mean about that one day causing probs?!

    As for your day...let Max wreck the table etc, it would serve her right! And I would def lay the law down about the traditions you want to uphold yourself as a new family. My mum buys the kids little pressies for their stockings but they're useful, like socks, undies etc. It's important you do things how you want them to be done from the start, and everyone should respect your wishes.
    I'm waiting for my bro to ask my mum n dad to go to his (we live about 1 mile away!) for lunch, so I've said they can all come to ours after if they wish (mum n dad def will as they can stay here).
  • forgot to add - i want xmas with my mum but shes recently re- married and her bloke wants them to go to his sisters as his parents are there etc... but i havent had xmas dinner with my mum for 2 years as missed out!

    anyway me and mum were trying to plot a plan today - shes thinking to please everyone to say they'll have xmas day at his sisters to keep him happy then boxing day she'll do a proper xmas dinner with pressies at hers!

    then xmas day im thinking we just have the morning and lunch three of us and then go hubbys dads for afternoon and tea...

    could work! i do feel sad i wouldnt be having a PROPER XMAS as such but then im being a bit silly cause were our own family now!!!

  • Ha ha thats hilarious! they spent all year moaning that you didn't go to them? they couldn't be bothered to come to you but expected you to go despite having a newborn and having not long before given birth!

    I really enjoy reading aboout other peoples in-laws - sorry! it makes me feel better about my own mil!!

    Its interesting to see how many people pplan to spend christmas just them - we always plan to do this but are made to feel like we are been unreasonable! we end up having christmas day just us and then christmas day with my mum and then another christmas day with daves mum. she won't come over if my mums there because (she says) she doesn't want to intrude but really its because she doesn't want to share. then theres also my grandparents, my stepdad (who's seperated from my mum) and my brothers and dave's brothers who never seem to all be able to make it on one single day so we end up spending any days off over christmas going here there and everywhere. i've only got the bank holidays off this year so won't have a lot of time off. it also seems a shame that the boys get all these great presents but don't get chance to play with them because they're barely at home. I'd love just one day when everyone comes over and if they don't come on that day its up to them but it never works like that!! my mil will play the matyr too if she deosn't get it exactly her own way - prefering to sit at home on her own making us feel guilty! my mums almost as bad she's been on about what we're doing for christmas for months and its not like we got to make big travel plans - shes only half an hour up the road.

    sorry i've started to rant on your thread now!!!

    The highchair on the table sounds like a brilliant idea. you can sit him next to his granny and she can feed him and look after him and he'll feel really part of the whole experience! (hee hee hee) she must forget what its like having a small child. your husband wasn't adopted at 5 or something?
    maybe the families moaning about their lack of sleep is a backward way of saying poor you - having to get up to him all the time - are his family a bit back ward in general?? (hee hee sorry i'm being realy naughty) maybe you can offer your sil to get some practise in and let her get up to him - if shes awake anyway she might aswell!
    any large presents that are too big to go in the car just say how thoughtful of you to buy him presents for when he comes to stay and leave them behind! do this with any really crap ones aswell.
    our boys and girls are going to be so excited for their first christmas. zach was only 6 months for his first and it was brilliant so noah's going to really get a lot more out of it. at least heving kids takes the pressure off spending times with in-laws and relatives because they're so busy fussing over little ones and the little ones always adore it.
    good luck, defiantely make sure you have your christmas day that you want with your family before you go to the in-laws.

    xx
  • I think the new plan for christmas is this...

    All of us book a hotel somewhere and have a dec babies christmas together and all the inlaws can sod off! If I win the lottery you are all invited! image Aren't I nice!!

    My mum is making plans for a christmas dinner in January when my brother gets back from afghanistan which I don't mind as he will have been away for 4 months by then and its a bit shit for him to be over there for christmas. my dad is saying my nana can come which my mum doesn't want so if she starts being difficult over christmas then i'll jsut remind her about how she grumps about my nana having to come on boxing day! Evil aren't I image
  • That christmas sounds FAB kia - put my name on the list now!!!!

    Maybe if the meet goes well this Christmas we should all go to centre parcs for next christmas! :lol:

    Star11 - the waking up thing is probably the MOST annoying!

    Julsey don't get me started on the sil thinking she can use max for practice for everything! The funniest thing is she thinks she is great with kids but everytime she takes him of me he SCREAMS (I have him well trained :lol: !) But when we first visited and he was 3 months and still breastfeeding through the night he woke up at about 3ish and I got myself up and was going to the room he wa in at which point is screaming rosa about 30 decibels so I thought what the FUCK is going on ran in and she was in there and had picked him up (hence the screaming) so I said 'what are you doing' the reply was 'helping' I said 'his hungry so breastfeed him if you can!' her face was a picture!! image

    Sounds awful but I am glad it's not just me!
  • That is hilarious!! :lol:
  • Glad it amused you - I still chuckle about it when I am having bad days involving the in laws - I never normally think of things like that at the right time but I was so tired and pissed off it came out without hesitation :lol:
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