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behaviour-not baby related

You may know that my OH has 9 year old son from previous relationship. He has behavioural difficulties which he is supported for at his school, which is an excellent school. I know some of you are teachers and you all have children so I was looking for some tips on behaviour management really. OH and I have done all the rewarding good behaviour and charts leading to rewards; it worked really well when he was younger, but this now seems a little inadequate and obviously he cant be rewarded with 'stuff' all the time, hes getting older too. We are just after ideas or websites etc to inspire us really! His behaviour/moods seem to us to be triggered by home environment, has been very unstable and chaotic. Thanks ladies xx

Replies

  • oh tough one. i can't even control my own 3 year old who doesn't have particular behaviour problems is just a normal 3 year old so i wouldn't know what to suggest. I didn't want to read and run though. Must be pretty tough on you both. Is he old enough to talk to you about it and what would work for him? how does his mum deal with it - might make everything a bit more stable for him if you try the same approach. or if the school has a good support system maybe they could suggest something. sorry i'm not suggesting anything myself but i really wouldn't know what to say that would be helpful really!
    best of luck and let us know how you get on.
    jules x
  • Jules thanx for reply.
    Had a meeting with school recently and they gave a few tips on things to do with him that will help, but not really behaviour stuff.
    We cant talk to mum, i think its pretty bad at home for him, that is the problem. She encourages all the problems in order to get the attention from the situations it causes. Way too much to say on here though! We do talk things through with him and hes usually very insightful when hes out the other side and calmed down, we just feel we need to take control of it b4 he gets any older. I think its a self esteem thing too and just a chaos thing x
  • no one have any tips then???? x
  • Hi... so sorry I can't be of any help really....I guess I'm really lucky as far as step-kids go. What is it with some mothers?? I'll have a look through some of my files (I think I've got one on behaviour) and a few books to see if I can come up with anything - they're all really catered for secondary kids in a classroom though.
    Good luck and I hope someone else will have something more constructive to say!
    xx
  • Cheers Em, sounds good. Perhaps i should have a look round the library and find some books myself too, may be a good start image x
  • Ok, I'm not sure if this will help but this is a concise version of whats in my notes (remember its supposed to be for the classroom but I suppose it could work at home!)

    Be definite, be aware, be calm and consistent, give them structure and be positive.......

    Be definite - let him know what you expect of him in clear terms.

    Be aware - be definite about what you want (and stick to it); remain calm at all times; stay polite at all times; state your expectations clearly; state how his behaviour is not meeting your expectations; state what will happen if they continue to defy you; depersonalize the sanction, by making it clear that he is forcing you to punish him, rtather than being a personal attack by you on him; if necessary apply the sanction; if possible, allow him to 'win' by offering a 'way out'.

    Be calm and consistent ... 'I'm always fair and consistent with you' - make sure you are always consistent in your treatment and stay as calm as possible (difficult one!!)

    Give him structure... make sure you have boundaries and routine as much as possible and make sure they fit into that structure.

    Be positive... basic one - stress the positive but don't praise just about anything to get them on side.... try to avoid accusing him or critizing him; never use sarcasm (I find that one hard!!); react to misbehaviour by suggesting a positive alternative; set targets for improvement.

    I'm not sure that will be of any help at all ... Its probably stuff you've heard before but its all I could find that might work at home. (I don't think standing at the front of the room with your arms folded would work somehow!! image )

    Good luck and if I find anything better I'll let you know xx
  • Don't think I can be of much help I'm afraid any experience of behaviour I've had during my placements has been with under 5 yr olds so it's mainly been based on the whole reward thing. Or the behaiour has been due to more expressing themselves in which it was all stuff based on emotional control.

    Found some general possitive behaviour strategies if they're any use
    http://www.highland.gov.uk/learninghere/psychologicalservice/information-parents/behaviourmanagement.htm
    I'll try googling some more lol am rather bored as I have nothing to do in work so will keep me occupied for awhile lol
  • http://behaviourmanagement.org/default.aspx

    Found this site too don't know if any of this is any good or relevant to you though x
  • oh thankyou girls, that is fab, you are stars! xx
  • Hi,

    Just realised BE didn't post the reply I sent when you first put this on! Probably similar to what the others have said really but a friend of mine have a 7 year old and they have been having big problems with his behaviour in the last year or so. They have found that the best thing that has worked has been giving him a very strict routine. So he will only be allowed to watch say an hours tv a night, he has a set time for bath, bed, and when he has to get up. Their older child is very relaxed so they never really had to have this with him but their 7 year old has made big improvements since they put the routine in place.
    Maybe making sure you have the same routine with him as his mum does would be good as well?

    Hope you find something that works, must be a nightmare xx
  • Thanks Liz, routine definitely important and i think we havent done great on that lately due to living with IL's. I think things will improve and it will be alot easier to have strict routine when we have our own place and space. P.S. Mum has NO routine, to say the least, obviously a huge problem
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