🚨 Advance warning 🚨 This forum will be closing on 1st May – please see our pinned thread for more information.
Options
A long rant - sorry!
Sorry about this but I really needed to get things off my chest - if you don't want to read any further I understand completely!
As most of you know I have pnd which means I don't always think rationally at the moment and things are really getting on top of me.... anyway I just needed put a few things down to try and make sense of them and to see if I am being unreasonable - sorry you're cheaper than a psychologist!!
Hubby had the snip last week and I have felt so low about it - I even asked him 3 times on the way to the hospital whether I could change his mind but he says hes too old to have any more children and we should be grateful we have 2 healthy children together - which of course I am. I didn't know I felt so strongly about having more until I realised I wont be having another one. However, I'm not sure having another one would be a good idea anyway as the rest of my life (apart from the kids) is pretty pants.
Recently I have felt like just taking the kids and running away somewhere - I hate where we live, I hate that my life has changed so dramatically in the past 3 years and yet ohs is pretty much the same (apart from the children and having someone to cook and clean for him) - he still goes to the pub after work and on a saturday and sunday afternoon. I hate that he's always at least half hour later than he says hes going to be (usually nearer an hour later). This is really petty - He has only ever changed 2 of Bryns nappies and then I gave him no choice - he says he'll do it when hes a bit bigger - I shouldn't complain as he does get Ophelia ready for bed a couple of times a week. He's only ever given Ophelia 2 baths in the whole of her life and never bathed Bryn (he's never around when I bath him anyway). I hate the fact that I'm told when we are going to have his other children during the holiday - he always discusses it with his ex (obviously) but I don't have any say in it despite the fact that I'm the one who has to do all the cooking and cleaning up after them. I actually found out we were having them an extra night next week when I overheard him telling his mum on the phone!
I used to be a confident career woman who had brought up her son on her own for 12 years - I made all the decisions about our lives; I fixed my car; I had a good social life (something I def don't have at the mo) and I had money in the bank. Now I let oh make all the choices and I've turned into someone I don't recognise. I'm not even sure I love him anymore and yet I hate it when he's not here. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't be without Bryn and Fee but I'm just really confused about how I feel.
If I bring any of this up he goes into a sulk and doesn't talk to me so I've given up trying, so then I feel angry at myself too for letting this happen.
Really sorry about that but I needed to put it down - unfortunately there's other stuff as well but they are the main points - (didn't want you to have to read all the gory details!! ) Anyway - feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable - I need to know whether or not I should try and talk to him about it or whether I'm expecting too much.
If you've managed to get this far - then thank you x
As most of you know I have pnd which means I don't always think rationally at the moment and things are really getting on top of me.... anyway I just needed put a few things down to try and make sense of them and to see if I am being unreasonable - sorry you're cheaper than a psychologist!!
Hubby had the snip last week and I have felt so low about it - I even asked him 3 times on the way to the hospital whether I could change his mind but he says hes too old to have any more children and we should be grateful we have 2 healthy children together - which of course I am. I didn't know I felt so strongly about having more until I realised I wont be having another one. However, I'm not sure having another one would be a good idea anyway as the rest of my life (apart from the kids) is pretty pants.
Recently I have felt like just taking the kids and running away somewhere - I hate where we live, I hate that my life has changed so dramatically in the past 3 years and yet ohs is pretty much the same (apart from the children and having someone to cook and clean for him) - he still goes to the pub after work and on a saturday and sunday afternoon. I hate that he's always at least half hour later than he says hes going to be (usually nearer an hour later). This is really petty - He has only ever changed 2 of Bryns nappies and then I gave him no choice - he says he'll do it when hes a bit bigger - I shouldn't complain as he does get Ophelia ready for bed a couple of times a week. He's only ever given Ophelia 2 baths in the whole of her life and never bathed Bryn (he's never around when I bath him anyway). I hate the fact that I'm told when we are going to have his other children during the holiday - he always discusses it with his ex (obviously) but I don't have any say in it despite the fact that I'm the one who has to do all the cooking and cleaning up after them. I actually found out we were having them an extra night next week when I overheard him telling his mum on the phone!
I used to be a confident career woman who had brought up her son on her own for 12 years - I made all the decisions about our lives; I fixed my car; I had a good social life (something I def don't have at the mo) and I had money in the bank. Now I let oh make all the choices and I've turned into someone I don't recognise. I'm not even sure I love him anymore and yet I hate it when he's not here. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't be without Bryn and Fee but I'm just really confused about how I feel.
If I bring any of this up he goes into a sulk and doesn't talk to me so I've given up trying, so then I feel angry at myself too for letting this happen.
Really sorry about that but I needed to put it down - unfortunately there's other stuff as well but they are the main points - (didn't want you to have to read all the gory details!! ) Anyway - feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable - I need to know whether or not I should try and talk to him about it or whether I'm expecting too much.
If you've managed to get this far - then thank you x
0
Replies
I think, from what you've said your oh does/doesn't do you have every right to feel pissed off at him. Parenting is bloody hard work and if there are 2 of you to do it, you should share the responsibility, at least when oh's not at work. If he's at the pub during those times he's not thinking of you or his children and I'd def have to say something and make him listen.
Does he ever ask to go or does he do it out of habit? It's so easy for men to go out as they don't have the same bond/tie to their children like we do. But that doesn't mean they should go out all the time and leave the wife to be the 'babysitter' so to speak. We need time to ourselves too.
Do you have somewhere to go once a week or so? I'm guilty of not getting out myself too much but hubby doesn't mind when I do, even if it's on his Thursday pub night! Anyway, if you can, organise something to do for you and leave him to be a dad once a week.
My sil's hubby was constantly at the pub after work til about 7pm and would miss out on seeing his son most days and weekends. She left him twice, came to us and now 16mth on he's much more involved as a dad and they're ttc no. 2. I'm not saying do that but I think he may need shocking to bring him back to reality - he has 2 young kids and a wife at home he should be spending time with, instead of at the pub.
My hubby has his faults but he is a good dad, especially helping out with the boys. He'll be wanting to start golfing again soon, but he knows I won't be happy if he does it every weekend. That's family time.
Sorry if this is rambled, got bloody Cbeebies on keeping her ladyship entertained and Mr Tumble's mushing my brain!
I hope you can sort something out as it can't be good for your pnd. Hope someone else has better words of wisdom. Big hugs x
Just to second what ALi said no need to apologise to us we are all here to support one another.
If this end up being a brief reply its because his lordship has woken up!
I don't think you are being unreasonable is the main thing. Yes being depressed can alter our thinking and make things seem more blacker than they are. BUT we can become depressed because things in our life are not as we want them to be and we are not sure about how to change or if we can change them.
It sounds as if life has changed a lot for you and your relationship but your hubby hasn't changed to keep up with these changes. I know this sounds cheeky but did his relationship with his ex end for similar reasons that he wasn't pulling his weight and expected a single life as well as a family life then when he felt like it?
It sounds to me as if you both need to talk about what you want and what you expect from each other with the kids and everything. If you think it might RELATE might be a good idea.
I think Ali is right you need to have sometime for your self to rebuild your confidence I know this sounds a bit American hippy dippy but tell yourself positive things about yourself each day write them down somewhere you see them to help balance out all the negative nasty stuff you are thinking about yourself at the mo.
I hope I haven't offended you with anything I have written, My day job when not on maternity leave is a psychiatric nurse so if you have any questions on PND I will try to answer them or if I have come across as to clinical with this reply I am sorry
We are all here to support you sweetie and feel free to sounds off as much as you like.
BIG Hugs
Jillycat x
ditto to everything said above. i am suffering from pnd but unlike u dont talk about. u should feel very proud of yourself for being able to stand up and say hey this is how it is. pls dont feel like u cant post on here as there are so many good people on here, and i know i havent posted much recently but just reading others posts really helped. ur last one on pnd helped me talk to my oh.
i cant offer u any advice so sorry for being useless but i just wanted to say youre not alone and the bit u said about resenting ur ohs life not changing is an issue for me too.
different things affect us all differently and i hope that u soon start to rebuild ur self and find contentment.
big hugs and wishing u all the best. this site is one of the great supports out there especially with things like pnd.
also wanted to add, i too feel like im expecting too much from oh but when i have a good day i realise that i expect more because i need more. pnd is an illness someone told me and as a family our oh's should be part of the getting better.
hope this made sense, had to reply hun
take care
xxxx
big hugs..
I'll second what everyone else has said.. and if this is short its because my screaming monster has woken up!!
Your husband sounds to me like he really needs a kick up the arse - sorry if thats a bit blunt but I tend to say what I think. In my opinion he should not be down the pub all that much when he has a family to come home to! Unless you are getting equal amount of time to go out and do your own thing then he should be at home with his family helping out. you have every right to complain if all he does is get Ophelia ready for bed a couple of nights a week..big deal..is that all!
This isn't to brag about what my hubby does - I'm listing it here for comparison .. but my hubby baths Cole and gets him ready for bed most nights, gives him his last bottle most nights, changes his nappy when needed if he's at home, gets up with Cole on his days off so I can have a lie in, helps out around the house. When you have kids imo then both your lives have to change.. it is hard being a mummy and we all deserve to be able to have someone there to take the pressure off even if its to take the kids out for an hour so you can have some peace and quiet rather than being at the pub when you are tired. As for the stepkids...absolutely he wants to have them over but he shouldn't just arrange it and then tell you - it should be sorted out between you both.
I think you definately need to talk to him, or can you maybe write it down or let him read this post. It sounds like you need to take some control back and rather than having him make all the decisions you need to get him talking to you first. I know that once you let someone get away with making all the decisions its very easy to just carry on - my hubby tends to let me make decisions cause he doesn't want to piss me off if he makes the 'wrong' decision and I do have to try hard to make sure I don't just get on with things but include him too.
Sorry for being a bit blunt and going on a bit... gotta run... Cole woke up
big hugs
I'm not sure what support you are getting with your pnd but is there any counselling they can give you to help you get your head around things?
We are all here for you to rant and moan away at anytime you feel the need.
Big hugs from me and Bren xxxx
My oh has only spent 5 mins with our lo since sat - that was changing his nappy this morning but that's not because he doesn't want to but because he has been working overtime and has been getting back past midnight and out again at 6.30am. And while it's not ideal he's doing it for us. And when he is home I don't change any nappies he does all of that and we share the rest of the baby care / household chores. Of course it doen't always work out perfectly even and I do have to odd day where I think I have done this much and what have you done!?! But I think that a lot of that is alsodown to women being able to multitask and therefore get more done.
I really do think his behaviour is appalling (nearly wrote appealing there! It's a good job I checked it!) and sounds more like a father a generation or two ago. I don't know how you've bitten your tongue for this long.
Sorry I doubt that's been of any use and I'm sorry if you've read it and felt worse but you are so right that it can really help to clarify your thoughts by writing them down, this is true at anytime but especially when you have depression.
BIG hugs from me too.
Keep on ranting we all do it and it is so good to have other mummies who are at the same point and know a bit of what you're going through.
El x
Hv came around this morning - now moving visits to once a week - I scored high on the test thingy. Seeing the doc on friday so I'll talk through my options then.
You lot really have been a lifeline - I haven't actually told anyone other than hubby and Tristan about my pnd but just putting down how I was feeling and getting feedback from you has made me feel more normal (if thats poss! lol). I realise now that I do have to do something for the sake of my sanity and general happiness - and for the sake of my kids - can't be much fun having a miserable mum!
Holly - really sorry you're going through it too - I know its really hard to tell people which is why none of my family know but getting support from everyone here helps.
Thank you again everyone - and feel free to give me a kick up the arse if I don't do anything about my situation! x
I think it is easier telling ppl you don't 'know' about things (even tho I feel I know you lot, especially your lo's bowel movements, bathing habits and sleeping routines - or not as is mainly the case for me atm!). It's much harder telling ppl nearest to you for obvious reasons. But perhaps it would do you good sharing your problems with a friend at home too? Then she/he can do the things we can't do on here, like go for coffee, cinema, pub etc, to cheer you up and make sure you get some 'me time'.
Same for you Holly - is there anyone you can talk to at home other than oh?
Sorry I can't empathise with your situation and that may be out of the question for you both now, but perhaps a thought for the future?? On here is great cos we're all mummies and can totally empathise with the greatest (and hardest!) job on the planet, bringing up our children, so feel free to talk to us but also talk to ppl near to you too, as I know if I was going thru this my closest friends would want to help me thru it.
God, I've rambled again - not Mr Tumble this time either, blaming Sarah Beany this time!
x
Em - glad you are getting help from your hv. As Ali says - is there anyone you can go out with to get some me time? It'd probably do your husband good to have the kids for a while!
I'll try and sit down and have a chat to him before his parents come down on sunday - wat joy!!
Firstly id like to say that im not going to pretend to know what you are going through as i have never had depression before but i can sympathise. Its such a horrid illness.
My mum has depression which ive grown up around for most of my life and no matter whatever anyone says or does, when shes at her lowest, theres no getting back up until shes ready.
You really need to tell your hubby exactly how you feel and make him listen, whether by talking to him or writting it down. Its hard enough bringing up children, let alone with pd and having noone to help.
I think he needs to compromise and say maybe go the pub a day a week and for you to do something on YOUR day a week while he looks after yours and HIS children. It takes 2 to make a baby so he should take the responsibility to even change Bryns nappy even once a day. Its amazing that even doing such a simple thing can give you a little break.
Im not going to harp on about my oh being wonderful because everyone has their flaws but he is great at helping me with alfie as it was both of our decision to have him and i told him this from the start!
I know how you feel about the pub thing though. Although my hubby doesnt drink in the week (not like me lol) he plays footie on a sat, which seems to take up the whole day so i started to resent his hobby because it felt like i was working a 6 day a week and not having family time. I used to cry when he left but it has got better. I dont want him to give it up as he enjoys it but we did sit down and talk and worked out that if i wanted some time off then it wouldnt be a problem. Ive been out a few evenings with friends and i feel so much better for it.
Sorry for the ramble but just to say that you are not alone. I think every new mum has down days but yours is even worse with having pd. Great that youre getting support from hv and doc. I think youre brave just to write it on here. Next step; to talk to your hubby and make him listen.
Good luck em and dont feel bad about writing on here, thats what we're here for. Big hugs
Good luck x
Not brave suzlong - I kinda felt if I didn't talk about it I was going to explode and this was my way of 'talking' about it.... i'm so grateful for everyones responses.
The pic of Bryn is him in his thoughtful pose!! x
I still think it takes a lot to admit that you find it difficult at the mo even if it is just telling a bunch of people you dont know! Its a good 1st step.
I tried talking to hubby and when that didn't work (he 'offered' to spend some more time at home at the weekend but missed the whole point of what I was saying about the everyday kinda stuff, and having more time to myself) I wrote everything down only to be 'offered' (can't believe he said he was offering me extra time!) one afternoon a weekend and one whole sunday in every 4 - well how lucky am I??!! I've given up talking to him about it again until the tablets start working - certainly not going to do it with in-laws here.
Left him to change Bryns nappy this morning and it was a really stinky one - Bryn looked as nervous as his dad!!! But as he did such a good job of changing it I'll have to let him to it again wont I?! lol
Thanks again for everyones support - still haven't managed to tell my family and most of my friends - told my best friend who's a midwife so shes got a bit of understanding bout pnd but other than that I've managed to keep it to myself (I avoid answering the phone or going out if I'm feeling too low!)
Hope everyone else is having a good weekend
xx
And how bloody dare he?! 1 afternoon a weekend and 1 in 4 sundays? Am i missing the point here that he fathered your children? My blood is boiling, let alone yours!
Like Liz says though (shes very rational! Not like me, i would have told you to cut off his you know what!) (Dont get any ideas in your head) but try to ride it out until your tablets are working and maybe, just maybe it might start looking a bit brighter for you?
Glad youve had an ok weekend. Keep us posted