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Discipline.

How do you discipline your lo's? Curious really.
I don't get much trouble from Noah - its mainly Zach and from both of them it tends to be that they get carried away and they are not being naughty but they are told to stop what they are doing or calm down and they just ignore us and then they get told off for not doing as they were asked but it is hard to be cross when what they are doing is not necessarily naughty but that they just push too far or whatever. LIke walking home from school zach always runs ahead and in most situations it is safe as we are walking on a pedestrian lane but I would like to think that when I ask him to wait he would wait and he doesn't! or when he's playing with his friend and its starting to get a bit rough and they just carry on regardless of what we say. I'm starting to feel like a right old nag to be honest and there are times when I ask Zach to get dressed and he runs away again and again and again that I just find him infuriating!!
Noah is trying to test the boundaries a little and he's picked up a fair bit from having an older brother but it would be nice to know if any of you had any advice. They've started sharing a room and its nice because they enjoy it and they're quite close but they don't tend to settle down very quickly but again it doesn't seem fair to be cross when they are looking at books or having cuddles because they're not being naughty its just they're supposed to be going to sleep!!!
Its worse in public because I find it embarrassing that my children ignore me and I don't want to shout and scream at them. When we came to view this house they both got really excited and started running around and around and were really silly. nothing we could say would calm them down so we let them out in the garden and of course they went straight for the mud patch at the top and didn't listen when we said don't go in the mud. they got so covered that we had to carry them back out the house.
Maybe this is my fault because they are boys and I expect them to get muddy and normally I would make nothing of it but when we are in someone elses house and I ask them to behave am I really expecting to much? My eldest is well behaved according to his teacher and although can get a bit silly if he sits with certain boys is normally pretty good. He will be 5 in June and Noah copies everything he does so if he is being silly Noah thinks its a great idea and joins in!!

Replies

  • Hi Jules, I've been starting to think about this a lot too lately as I have been getting bad at shouting when we are at home which gets a response but always makes me feel bad. I figure that it is ok to shout if they are going to do something dangerous but otherwise there must be a better way to deal with it.
    With Brendan at home I tell him not to do whatever it is and say why - such as 'don't pull at the plants you will break them and that will make me sad' and if he carries on then I repeat that and say I am going to count to three and if you are still doing it you will have to go to your room for being naughty. Since starting this I have found it works 9/10 and usually as soon as I start counting he stops. The times he does have to go to his room I leave him in there for a couple of minutes and then go back and he will say sorry and give me a hug. Of course you can't do this when you are out and about which is my dilemna.
    We had an incident last weekend when we were out shopping for a new bed and Brendan decided to start running around the shop. I was holding Jacob and having to run after Brendan as hubby was talking to the sales assistant and I felt like a real looney!
    Since then I have bought a book called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have only read the first chapter so far but it does seem to make sense. It talks about not putting your feelings onto the child and trying to empathise more with the child. For example if they say they are upset about something instead of dismissing it as something silly acknowledge the fact they are upset and why. It has a chapter on alternatives to punishments which I haven't got to yet but so far I can recommend it as a good read. It has certainly made me think about how I speak to Bren and Jacob. xx
  • Have lots of strong feeling on this but here's my quick reply.....

    I think with young children [and old ones and adults too!] It's all about tone of voice and that that is the key.
  • I have a lot of trouble with this as zachariah has selective hearing and my voice apparently has no power when it comes to telling him no/come here/wait in public. Generally he's pretty good though and at the moment it's very much a case of me going to him, getting down to his level and having a little chat.
    In fact yesterday he threw his drink down the toilet (having lifted the lid ESP) I shouted no, took the bottle and threw it in the bin, told him it was dirty..... He cried but I just explained why I was cross told him to sign sorry and we had a cuddle- all done!
    It's hard in public because you've always got some interfering busy body he thinks you're too strict or too wet and generally makes the whole situation much more red faced and uncomfortable.
    I think for us at the moment, a conversation approach works but at the moment he's still quite dependant and so I'm not sure he gets up to as much as some of the others his age would if that makes sense.
  • well fin is testing us at the min although all my friends that have boys say he is very good copared thoi theres - which his is generlaly if we are out with them but at home he is worse and if he just gets in one of those moods when out!!!

    i ahve started using naughty spot a bit but didnt really work as he would do soething and then in sarcy way say finlay naught spot and sit there............. then would NEVER EVER say sorry we had him there for what seemed like hours other week and he would not give in it even went passed bath time - in end we were like right give us cuddle as we needed him to go bed!!! monkey!

    he has started saying CAN'T or NO when asked to do something!

    mmmmm hard one as think it doesnt help i dont have any patience at the mo due to lack of sleep and juggerling both boys!!!!

    any tips please share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • rhys just refuses to listen at the minute. I keep trying the naughty spot with him which does work most of the time, but at times I'm bad and just give in which I know I shouldn't because I'm trying to sort alfie out or something
  • Elijah can be very testing. But usually when I reflect on it, it's on days when im either tired, stressed or, funnily enough- when hubby is home with us. Elijah has started to play up big time for hubby and I think this is due to him being at work alot, then we have stepson at weekends and sometimes Elijah's time with Daddy can get a bit lost in everything.

    We now give him a warning and say if he misbehaves again, he will go in his room. Then we will put him there for 2 mins (max!) Then explain why he's been put there & ask him to appologise then have cuddles & say its all ok now but please listen to Mummy/Daddy next time.
    This technique aswell as a sticker chart for good behaviour (like every night if he goes straight to sleep with no getting up or eating dinner nicely) seems to be working well most of the time when I follow it all through.

    Jules, I think with the visiting other peoples houses, the sticker chart might be a good thing as you can put it in place at home an d then when youre out and they are used to the reward system, you can say before you go in, '
    this is how i expect to to behave and to listen to me if I tell you something, This is what you need to do if you want to get your next sticker.' I think this should work.
    Also, the not going to sleep thing; Elijah & 10 year old bro also get silly sometimes & want to stay up together. How about trying to put them in their room and say, 'you have 10 minutes to read books together, then i will be coming in to say goodnight and i want you to sleep then.' You could then put the sticker chart in place again for good listening.
    I know what you mean about not wanting to nag, but i dont think its unreasonable to want them to listen when you ask or go to sleep when you want them to xx
  • DIscipline, ha - he jsut laughs at me! Actually it's not that bad, he generally stops when he is told too as long as we have explained why. We do use the naughty step, mainly for if he hurts someone else or screams at me if i refuse to let him outside. Generally after 2 mins he tells me why he is on the stairs and says sorry. Since being at pre-school he has got more physical so we are stamping it out as quick as we can. Unfortunately he gives me the look that i can't help laughing which is so not good when i'm trying to tell him off.

    He keeps having temper tantrums as well, normally in the middle of tesco or somewhere, i've started to walk away from him, he quickly realises that i've gone and gets up shouting "i'm coming" so i ask him if he's finished now "yes mummy" and we get on with the shopping, feel bad doing it, never go where i can't see him but it seems to work, stops the tantrum quickly xx
  • Hello everyone!

    Im so glad youve posted this Jules! I have been at a bit of a loss at the mo with Alfie- he has always been stubborn (apparently he takes after me?!) but sometimes his moods are unbearable.

    Im a firm believer that you should disipline when you are out how you would at home- however embarrasing. Example- as i live in a flat i take alfie to toddler groups so that he can have a good run around. If he doesnt share or pushes another child etc i will ask him to say sorry. If he doesnt then i warn him that if he doesnt i will sit him in a corner until hes thought about his behaviour. If he STILL doesnt then i take him to a corner kicking and screaming and wont let him go until hes calmed down and is prepared to say sorry.

    I know that he will kick off but i feel that i have to be consistant. Im sure that a lot of the mums think that Alfie is really naughty but ive now come to the conclusion that most of those mums choose to ignore their own childrens behaviour otherwise it would cause a scene and hence be embarrasing.


    Alfie is hard work but i think most of his behavioural problems is that he is quite delayed with his speech and gets frustrated that people/children dont understand him. And hey!- hes now got to share me with George and hes just turned 2!

    Im painting a really bad picture of Alfie and i shouldnt- hes a cheeky chappy, very head strong, has lovely manners (very important to me), and if he was any different he wouldnt be my Alfie!

    Anyway Jules, sorry ive gone off on one! Consistancy is key! Even if im in the middle of changing George i will still disipline Alfie as i would usually even if it does mean pee everywhere lol!!!! You know what is important to you as a mum ie, disipline over manners, sharing, tantrums etc.

    This probably doesnt help but ive had a good rant! Thanks hehehe!!! x
  • Hi Jules - your boys have never been a problem whenever I've seen them and they were angels when you came to visit me in hospital.....

    All my children have been/are very strong willed... but while Fee and Tristan responded well to discipline (although Fee still has her moments when she tests the boundries) Bryn is a different kettle of fish completely!! :roll: I have always been a very strict parent and it seems to have paid off with the other 2 but it just doesn't work the same way with Bryn (you might have noticed that!! image ) Like Alfie, he has the problem of language so some of it is communication - I do know that some of it is his other problems too. I do agree that consistency is important and I always try (not always possible) to modify my tone so they know I'm not angry but that I'm really really disappointed in their behaviour and that I expect more of them - if that doesn't work with Fee I threaten to tell her teacher - she would be mortified if I did that! image - ok that's not good parenting but it works!! lol

    My hv is going on a course on how to deal with disruptive behaviour in children - it's designed for children with development problems - which I know neither of your two have - but if she passes on any good advice I let you know.

    Good luck - hope to see you all when I'm better xxx
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