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This is going to be a bit of an essay! SORRY *A NEW ESSAY*

Sorry if this ends up a moany ramble or if it is all tmi but I really need to sound of and as none of my friends have babies yet I know they will not understand. Added to everything else going on I am even more knackered today than usual so I know everything is feeling about a million times worse!

I don't really know where to start but here goes. SEX - that is the first thing! I have never had a high sex drive, I was a 21 year old virgin which I suppose is quite rare in this day and age, my hubbie is the only sexual partner I have ever had and to be honest I am just not that bothered by it. Before I got preg we might have had it twice a week maximum and it was always him that instigated. in order to get preg we had it every night for a week and I was sick of it by the end! WE had sex a few times during my early pregnancy but then it petered out and he stopped asking for it really - then we had sex on the monday night (quite vigourous) and then my waters broke on the Tuesday and I still think there may have been a link there. Anyway, after birth it got to 6.5 months and we still hadn't had sex my hubbie had never tried to get it and I felt that maybe he wasn't cos he didn't want to pressure me (but maybe that was me trying to bs positive) anyway I decided that the more time went past the more it was becoming a big issue in my head so I should just go for it. We have had sex twice since then and we are now nealry at 9 months! Both times I instigated it and to be totally truthful both times I had had probably one drink more than I should in order to manage it. I am still just not interested my sex drive is not just low it has totally disappeared. It doesn't help that I am not feeling at all confident about my new body shape in fact I am feeling shit about it, my boobs are disappearing to smaller than ever as I am still breastfeeding and my tummy is just wobbly (not expecting that to change) added to this I have no clothes that fit me as I lost 2 stonr before getting preg but didn't buy any new clothes then as preg and now I am back to that weight but have no money to buy new clothes so everything is baggy and horrid, need all new bras as well but no money for that, added to that the fact I never have a chance to do my hair or anything I just feel totally crappy.I am always knackered and carrying suitcases under my eyes as I often have to get up to Max in the night 3/4 times not to get him up but to return his dummy - we need to get this off him and get him to settle himself but I want to give im a few weeks to get settled in nursery before doing that. My hubbie NEVER gets up to Max int he night - he just doesn't wake when he cries and I have tried waiting for him to wake up but thta just means Max gets more stressed and takes longer to settle, my hubbie is such a moody git if I wake him up that I have just decided it is easier to do it myself (I know that is me making a rod for my back so I shouldn't complain but I am!) My hubbie and I also are never waking up int he same bad at the mo (and when I was into sex I was a morning person) cos Max is down one floor from our bedroom so once I have been up to him once I just go to sleep in the spare room which is next door to him rather than being up and down stairs and disturbing hubbie. I alos get up with max eveyr morning between 5 and 6 - I don't mind this when it is the week and hubbie has to go to work as I don't want him driving tired however in 2 weeks I will be back at work 2 days and I know it will still be me then and hubbie could give me a lie in at the weekend but he never does! I tried to speak to my hubbie about my lack of sex drive and self confidence last night but I don't think it really sunk in - he seems to t hink that calling me the couple of pet names he has always had for me should make me feel that I look great - I explained that maybe saying 'you look really good today' or something instead might be better! Anyway he has started trying to instigate sex againbut I am saying no everytime at the mo which I know is annoying him but I don't want to go through the motions just becuase I think I should that isn't what it should be about! I went to sleep crying last night cos I feel so shitty!

Today I am actually wishing I had agreed to go back to work full time instead of 2 days as I just want a day without max to feel like me again! And I never thought I would sya that and I foolishly signed a new permemnant contract!

I don't think I have really said what I wanted to but I am in floods here and just feeling like crap! Beginning to wonder what my hubbie brings to parenthood to help me - I mean he is fab with max when he gives him time but I still do all the crap stuff! Ok now I am just moaning - SNAP OUT OF IT GIRL!

If anyone made it this far - thanks for reading!



[Modified by: Craftycharli on 24 August 2008 06:33:42 ]

Replies

  • Hi... I'm sorry I can't reply properly at the moment because Bryn has started to complain but I will email you later.... I just didn't want to read and run.... You are definitely not alone in this..... I'm sorry I can't be more constructive at the mo but I will try and find the time later to sit down and answer this properly. Big hugs, Emma x
  • Honey I really really want to write you an essay back, there's sooooo much I want to say but here goes I hope this helps.

    Firstly I think what a bloody typical man, you are brave enough to voice to him how you are feeling deep down inside things you don't want to even admitt to yourself and even tell him some of the answers as to how to help you and instead of taking this all in and trying to be a supportive answer he hears - 'She wants sex again' and that's IT!!!

    You really are not alone nearly all of us have posted on here how we feel down/have issues with a new body/hubby not undersatnding just how much we do (maybe with the exception of Kia and Ali - who seem to have perfect hubbies!!! - Tell us your secrets) And yes you are right tieredness (sp!?!) and with me; being due on (You may all have noticed my big rants happen once a month) make everything seem huge - the problem is still there it's just that you can't see it logically and in perspective.

    I don't have any easy answers just want you to know that I have been there crying all day, feeling like I'll never be 'me' again, feeling there are all these problems and will I ever be happy again. But it's just the day/week that I'm having, that's making it seem soooo soooo bad.

    From a work point of you I totally get you - you love lo to bits but need to have an indenity other than 'mother' I went back to work full time before summer hols for a month and it was good in one way killer in another. Doing 3 days come Sept. And I think part time suits most mothers. So don't worry about that I'm sure thats the right decsion.

    Other than that BIG hugs. Try to do something little to put a smile on your face (mine is painting my toe nails bright red) hit the wine and chocs tonight (or whatever is your thing) and do speak to your girlfriends even though they've not had babies, we've all had a 'fat day' rubbish boyfriend/hubby days - they'll understand more than you think they will.

    El x
  • Oh hun, really sorry to hear you sounding so upset and down in the dumps.

    I think your non existent sex drive is most likely connected to how you are feeling about yourself so maybe this is a good place to start. I know it can be very hard to find any money for yourself when you have a lo but if you can try and put a little bit to one side every week I think it would do you the world of good to get yourself a new outfit and maybe even a few new bits of makeup to glam yourself up.
    I know I felt really rubbish when I got into the mode of wearing pj bottoms and t-shirts and not doing my makeup. Now I make a real effort so every morning when Bren has his nap I grab a quick shower and wash my hair, put a bit of makeup on, and put some proper clothes on. It has made a big difference to how I feel about myself.

    I can relate to you though as my hubby as a very high sex drive (would do it 10 times a day if he could!!) and although I think I have a fairly average drive he still complains he doesn't get enough.

    I know you have tried to talk to your hubby about this already but I think you need to sit down with him again and try to explain how you are feeling about yourself. Explain how bad you are feeling and that you would love to have a better relationship with him in the bedroom but don't know how about getting there. Maybe he could try different tactics too?

    My hubby is completely the same in not getting up during the night if Bren wakes up. He doesn't wake up either and he is such a grumpy bugger if I wake him it isn't worth it. Being tired doesn't help you feel better and doesn't help your sex drive either so maybe he ought to consider that! I think it is important you get back to sleeping in the same bed and waking up together. If that isn't practical in your current bedroom why not suggest you both sleep in the spareroom?

    Not sure if any of that helps, just wish you lived nearby so I could pop over for a cuppa and give you a big hug. xxx
  • I totally understand what you mean, our sex life has never been that great and i still feel totally unattractive and frumpy (probably all in my head) but breastfeeding is really getting me down at the moment.

    I still wonder how i fell pregnant with Paige, we had been having sex about once every 2 months and i was on the pill, so the timing must have been up to fate.

    I don't have any real advice for you though because my situation is up the shit as well, lol.

    I'd love to buy some new lingerie but when breastfeeding pretty bras seem a real waste of money because i can only wear nursing bras anyway, but maybe buying something new might lift your spirits a bit?

    Good luck, Shell
  • Thanks for the support andreplies - MUCH APPRECIATED!

    Feeling a bit more upbeat - want to update properly but about to eat dinner so will do so later but wanted to say thanks for the replies!
  • i wish i could give you a big hug!
    going back to work part-time will help you to get a break from the day to day. it will at least help you feel like your own person. I think if you went full time at this stage you would find it exhausting. I hope you get some decent sleep i think sleep deprivation makes everything ten times worse.
    I never had a particularly low sex drive but these days I just can't be bothered - I am just too knackered!
    I wish one of us lived nearer! Is there anyone who could give you a break - a friend or relative that can be the one to do the dummy replug and get up with max in the morning?
    I don't know what to say really - nothing thats actually going to be any practical help! but we are all thinking of you.

    xxx
  • Sending Hugs too. xxxx
    So know where you are coming from. We call Sam our miracle baby as our sex life had become none existent and the only time we seem to do it now is when we have had a bit too much to drink!!!

    What you have put could be me exactly. I can't be bothered with it, but feel I must just to keep us going! My o/h never gets up either and I am still breast feeding too.

    I am going back to work 3 days from middle of Sept and sometimes wish it was full time too.

    However I know it will get better, I have a 12 and 9 year old and remember feeling like this with them too. I can't remember when or how, but I know it gradually got better. 'cept the sex!!!!

    Keep smiling. xxxx
  • Oh no gorgeous mama. I know how you feel as I hae gone through something similar. My oh has a really high sex drive and I used to. Since I became pregnant I was funny about having sex whilst having my bump. Even afterwards I didn't feel right. He always instigated sex and I just lay there, not really enjoying it and feeling quite sore afterwards. he noticed it in the end and I just came out and said how I felt. It wasn't that I din't love him anymore it was becasue I felt really low after having my baby and having no boobies to speak of (just 2 tiny mosqito bites!!!), I lost alot of weight in the first 3 months as I wasn't eating properly as I didn't seem to have time with 2 demanding children and a demanding oh!!!. I think my libido lacked becasue of how I was feeling. Like you say I only had sex when I was relaxed with alcohol. At the mo, we have an active sex life but not alot. I think its like you said, you just want to feel like you again and maybe it will then change. I hope you and hubby get it on soon, with both of you feeling comfortable. xxx
  • Oh no gorgeous mama. I know how you feel as I hae gone through something similar. My oh has a really high sex drive and I used to. Since I became pregnant I was funny about having sex whilst having my bump. Even afterwards I didn't feel right. He always instigated sex and I just lay there, not really enjoying it and feeling quite sore afterwards. he noticed it in the end and I just came out and said how I felt. It wasn't that I din't love him anymore it was becasue I felt really low after having my baby and having no boobies to speak of (just 2 tiny mosqito bites!!!), I lost alot of weight in the first 3 months as I wasn't eating properly as I didn't seem to have time with 2 demanding children and a demanding oh!!!. I think my libido lacked becasue of how I was feeling. Like you say I only had sex when I was relaxed with alcohol. At the mo, we have an active sex life but not alot. I think its like you said, you just want to feel like you again and maybe it will then change. I hope you and hubby get it on soon, with both of you feeling comfortable. xxx
  • Really feel for you, and like all the other girls who have posted, I know exactly where you are coming from.

    I too have never had a sex drive, could probably live for years without any at all. a kiss and a cuddle is all I really want these days, but that just gets oh's hopes up, so I don't even try that anymore! I definately think that you feel much worse about sex when you are feeling crap about yourself, so that might be the place to start. I try really hard to make an effort now and then, usually at the weekend. Do my hair, put on some makeup and my best clothes and I feel loads better (still don't want sex though!!) about myself. I don't think our oh's understand what a knock to confidence having a baby is, phsically and emotionally. I know it is hard to afford new clothes etc, but I have made do with shopping in places like new look. You can pick up some lovely bargains, especially when they have sales on.

    Last weekend I got my hair cut and coloured (fist time since lo born - 8 months) and it has made me feel like a woman again! I know it is expensive, but I have been putting a few quid in a pot each week until I had enough.

    Once a week (usually a friday night) we make it oh's turn to get up to baby. He doesn't like doing it and I have to poke him and tell him the baby is awake, but it really makes all the difference to be able to stay in bed just a bit longer. Like you, through the week I dont expect him to get up because of driving to work.

    Don't beat yourself up about wanting time away from lo, I think we all feel like that. I don't go back to work til jan 09 but am starting to look forward to it a bit now. Only going to do 2 days but I think this will be just enough to make me feel a bit more normal without missing lo too much.

    Sorry for the long ramble.

    Hope you are feeling a bit better. XXXXX
  • Hi, sorry I haven't had time to email.... but I totally agree with what everyone has said.... When I first met hubby we had a brilliant sex life but I fell pregnant with Fee very quickly and its never really been the same since....

    I'm at least 3 stone heavier than when we first met and although he says it doesn't matter, it does to me... my weight along with the pnd and being totally knackered means I very rarely want sex. (up until last month we hadn't had sex for over a year - I hadn't realised it was that long but he had obviously remembered!!) Hubby has been so understanding but I know he's very frustrated! (understatement of the year).

    My hubby has never got up for either of our children - he even slept through when I had both the los in our bedroom screaming the place down in the middle of the night!! (Bryn was tiny and woke up which woke Fee up and then she started being sick - it was a nightmare!) But I won't start on about what my hubby does and doesn't do as I think some of my previous threads have said enough about that!)

    Sorry, this isn't a very constructive reply - and the others have put it far better but its obvious that you are not alone - up until I read this post I thought everyone else must be have a fantastic sex life - so thank you for bringing this up cos I feel a bit more normal now!

    Take care and I hope you start to feel more like the old you soon.

    xx



  • Well it is good to know that we aren't the only ones who aren't at it like rabbits and I am tempted to tell hubbie he is not the only frustrated man out there - but anyway I know a lot of my post was about the sex but that really isn't the only or main thing. Also good to know he is not the only man who can sleep through the night of the living dead! :lol:

    Anyhow - when I typed previous message both Max and I were having grumpy tired mornings so that hadn't helped and I do know really that I want to start back at work 2 days a week and spend time with him as I think it is important - however that is part of the money problem too as when we worked out what we could afford to do we decided 3 days would be realistic but my work could offer 2 or full time so hubbie worked it out again and said 2 would be fine - I should have known to check it all myself but I didn't and it turns out he worked it out on just one part of our mortgage (we have 2 seperate ones - one from our first house that was on a good rate so we kept it and the other was the extra for when we moved here) we have since worked it out again and actually we CAN'T afford it at all and have had to take a 3 month mortgage holiday through till Christmas so we don't totally screw up. We discovered this the day after I had signed my new PERMENANT contract for 2 days _ CRAP CRAP CRAP - hence the SERIOUS lack of money for new clothes! I am basically going to have to look for a new job for after Christmas (then I can leave without having to pay my additional maternity leave money back) My hubbie did hear yesterday that he has a job interview that if he gets we can get rid of one of our cars which will make a HUGE difference to costs so fingers crossed for that!

    I spoke to my oldest bro over in Australia for a good half hour yesterday morning which made me feel better (not about any of this by the way just in case you thought I was that close to my bro :lol: ) Then Max had some time at nursery (see my other post) and then int he afternoon I got out to see some other 'baby friends' Just for a short time but me and Max are always better out and about! Then hubbie was home and he cooked dinner. And I was feeling fairly hunky dorry, - since part of the issue is my body image I decided to take action and do something about it, part of the prob is that when I am so tired all I want/need is sweet stuff to keep me going esp late in the afternoon, anyway so we decided that I would go to the gym on a saturday mornign while hubbie looked after Max. Also as tempted as I was yesterday to have a big fat choc feast last night I STEERED CLEAR AND DIDN'T - V PROUD OF MYSELF image I didn't even raid my secret chocolate stash int he garage (yes it is there cos then I eat it slower cos I have to go out and get it, hubbie doesn't eat it or get on at me about it cos he doesn't know it is just ther for when I definitel need it!) I also sent an email to see if we can enroll Max with a model agency (urban angels) - no idea but we think he's gorgeous so thought it was worht a try and it might earn his children's account some bucks for when he is older! the new pic is one that I sent them him eating his first cheese sarnie this week!

    But then it all went to pot! I fell asleep on the sofa just after 9 and eventually woke just before 10 and was going to go to bed - hubbie was watchign some VITAL programme off sky+ and Max woke up screaming (totally unlike him) but becuase hubbie's programme was so crucial I went to try and settle him and then carried on up to bed but he still wasn't settled so again I ended up going to him even half way through cleaning my teeth! Anyway eventually I went to bed but when hubbie came up and got in bed Max stirred again still v upset - so hubbie went to him but switched on landing light and left our door open so I couldn't get off to sleep (cheers for that - but he thinks that is him being helpful int he night! it happened twice more) eventually gave calpol and we all went off to sleep.

    I was up with Max again at 4 and then half past and then 5 and eventually we got up at 6. I tried to go back to our bed as you guys suggested and I did each time but between 5 and 6 Max never really settled so I gave up and stayed in the spare bed! My hubbie had said last night that he would get up this mornign for me but he didn't (more of that later). I never thought I would get to the gym! I got max dressed and gave him breakfast and a 8 my hubbie finally came downstairs. At this point he looked at what max was playing wiht and said 'oh that's what I ahve been hearing for the last couple of hours!' I nearly hit him never mind hitting the roof - that meant he had been awake but hadn't bothered to get up and let me go back to bed!!!!!!!!! I didn't say a thing (I don't want to yell in front of max) I just went to the gym and took my frustration out on something else! The gym was lovely an hour int here and then half an hour showering etc all to myself!! We have had a productive day and I have a lovely clean kitchen (hoorah - no idea how long it is since we last cleaned - yuk!) and all sorts of other things. I have put a load of things on ebay and the money is going to be for new clothes for me! Max seems to have a streaming colds (teeth? or from nursery?)

    Once Max was in bed I cooked dinner, washed up, watered the garden, picked beans (all the while hubbie was on the internet trying to work out a reason why he could still afford Sky+ when it was him who screw the calculations so we can't afford ANYTHING! GGGGGGGGRRRRRRR :evil: )

    Max has had another screaming fit and more calpol this evening :cry: so unlike him hope he gets better!

    Me and hubbie argued over one thing - we had invited a load of friends for a bbq on monday and hubbie loves bbq-ing but I decided I didn't want everything else to sort - fine he bbq's but I sort, bread, salad, potatoes, drinks deserts, the washing up etc etc and I just can't be arsed so I texted everyone to say we will all go out for lunch instead and hubbie got a grump on so I told him what's what! Got pissed of with a couple of friends who aparrently can't afford to come out for lunch - but they think we can afford to feed all of them at ours - yet we are the ones with the extra 1 imageops: :evil: !

    Anyway despite being knackered still I feel more positive!

    Thanks for all your replies - I am sure I will be back with more moans but at least I have some money coming for buying myself some things, hopefully hubbie with a new job so less out goings etc etc.

    x

    [Modified by: Craftycharli on August 23, 2008 09:50 PM]



    [Modified by: Craftycharli on August 24, 2008 06:34 AM]

  • Max is really snuffley and coughin etc this morning :cry: but he slept pretty well and after a burst of having to go to him at 2am I ended up asleep in the spare room but when he stirred at 4 I went back to our bed so me and hubbie woke up together albeit at 6 with a short grumpy 'good morning' to me as I LEFT THE ROOM TO GET MAX UP AGAIN - ho hum! MAx's mornign excitement at whoever gets him out of the cot made it worthwhile as always image
  • I just thought this might make you smile.... Bryn came in our bed last night as he woke up during the night (hes doing that alot recently), anyway he woke up at half 5 this morning with a huge grin on his face turned to dave and said dada dada and smacked him round the face a couple of times!! heehee

    I know thats really mean of me but it made me smile - and I still had to get up first and dave is out all day today stock car racing with the lads - but i will think back to how our cheeky little boy woke daddy up and grin!!

    Hope Max is ok and you manage to get some 'you time' today. x
  • lol Ema that is so funny!!

    Just going back to the sex drive thing, I don't think any of you should beat yourselves up about not wanting to be 'at it like rabbits' so to speak, and actually maybe your ohs should be looking at their own techniques and realising if they were a bit better maybe you would feel like it a bit more! image
    I don't think it is only us that get to the stage where we can't be bothered, unfortunately the men still want to do the deed they just can't be bothered for the build up stuff that actually makes it worthwhile for us!

    Hmmmm...anyway! Glad you have got a good plan for getting more money so you can get some new clothes Craftycharli, it sounds like you are doing loads of positive things to move forward. Just take one day at a time and you will get there. I can't believe you made it to the gym after a nightlike that with Max - well done you!!

    Have you tried calpol nighlight which has a scent thing in that helps los breathing when they have a cold? They are really good (you can get them in Tesco) and smell lovely and really relaxing. Might help him sleep and clear his nose. I have been using calprofen when Brendans teething is bad and that seems to be more effective than the calpol.

    Brendan has gone from sleeping through from about 8pm to 7am to waking at between 11 and 12pm for a bottle and then again at between 5 and 6am. I think that is his teeth more than anything although he still isn't eating huge amounts of solids. They will get there eventually, we just have to hope we are still sane at the end of it!! :lol:

    Keep smiling hun x

  • HAHA Em - I am gonna send Max round for lessons from Bryn on how to wake daddy up - that is ace :lol:
  • Hi
    Just wanted to see how things are going for you today. Did you have a nice lunch out as you planned?

    I don't really have any advice to add to what everyone else has said I am afraid, I am still Breastfeeding and Marcus and he generally has one feed in the night still so I am knacked too and my sex drive is at an all time low as well.
    I will try to add to this later as He is now screaming his head off and yes you guessed it it is mummy who is off to see to him!
  • i know im a bit late replying but i will anyway!

    the sex thing... well me and hubby have been together for 9 years now i was 16 and he was 21... he was and is my only partnet if you get me, although 'did things' with other boyfriends before hand!anyway im not sure if it makes things worse because i dont know any different and i always think in my head i hope in like 10 years time when i have a mid loife i dont think im bored... with sex i mean!!! anyway we had good sex life when we met but when we moved in etc started slowing down a bit, think we are both as bad as each other really he works sooo hard and like now at 8.30 is still outdside sorting work for tomoz!

    it's one of those things when we have sex its fab and i think why dont we do it more but then time goes by again!!!

    when we decided to try for baby it was fine at first but after few months i got worried etc and then sex became about wanting a baby... then when i fell pregnant we had sex a few times until bump showed then that was it... once about 6 months! i actually wanted it but hubby refused saying he found it too weird!

    anyway enough about sex....

    i agree with the sleeping through everything!!! although a few times recently hubby has put monitor his side, i still wake though!

    money.... i know where your coming from, were skint! although back to work this week...yuk yuk yuk! 3 days - dreading it!
    ive got loads together to do a car boot to try and make some dosh...

    xxxx

  • Thanks for all the lovely replies - knew I could rely on you lovely ladies!

    Still feeling v down and beginning to question whether it may be somehting more serious (PND?) don't know yet but bursting into tears over nothing and feel I am putting a front on to everyone bar you on here! hey ho!
  • Hi, i still feel as though you're inside my head a bit, lol.

    Every now and then david will say, "Paige slept thru last night" and i say "DID YOU THINK SO!!!!!!!!!" lol.

    Hmm you can only laugh, lol.

    I also know at nearly 9 mths she shouldn't be waking every night out of a need for nutrition, but she still has a proper feed, not just a comfort suck, so i don't really know what to do.

    On a lighter note, i'm in Australia, where abouts is your brother??

    Shell & Paige
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