really awkward situation

hedgie · Jun 6, 2011 2:54PM

I work nights as a nurse, but I have spent the last year also working from home doing admin for a festival organization.

I have a once weekly meeting I attend, but otherwise work from home. At that meeting, I met amongst other people, one man, who is quite funny, and is always trying to make everyone laugh.

I thought this a good thing, and have been cordial, but not overly friendly.

Last night after our meeting, I was just unlocking my car in the car park and he grabs my arm. I jump a foot off the ground - it was about 10pm, and I hadn't expected it. I then pulls me away from my car, tries to kiss me, and says he knows I want to be his lover, and he is going to make it happen....

I shoved him away, began yelling, got into my car and drove away.

I get home, check my email, and he had sent me an email. He must have done it straight after, the email was only 12 minutes old, saying he likes that I'm playing hard to get, and then a bunch of far too well horrid racy stuff I would not dare repeat!

He knows I'm married and pregnant with baby no5!!! What on god's green earth would possess a man to think a knocked up married woman would be after him.

I have no idea what to do, my husband would loose the plot, and I am far too hormonal right now. I think I am going to have to quit. I can't cope with this.

Has anyone dealt with this sort of thing before, have I done something to cause this? I have never even had a one to one conversation with this guy - perhaps I should note this guy is 25 years older than me and married with grandchildren - why does he think I am interested.

xxx

BeckyAndEve · Jun 4, 2011 1:51AM

Hi hun!

I agree with the post above, from what you've said it doesn't sound like this man will stop and it's quite worrying that he is willing to scare you in a car park at that time of night to the extent you felt you needed to yell out!

In this situation most men would have backed off realising they had made a mistake or misread signals bit the fact he then sent you an e mail suggests it's now turned into a game!

What ever you decide to do Hun make sure you are safe and not alone with this man!

Becky

Xxx

BeckyAndEve · Jun 4, 2011 1:54AM

Ps - you've done nothing wrong and shouldn't feel like you should quit your job to get away from this man, he is the one in the wrong!

Becky

Xxx

xxhannahxx · Jun 4, 2011 2:30AM

agree .. this could have ben much worse if he didnt accept no as an answer.

think you should let your hubby know, mine would be devastated if i didnt tell him something like this.

you need to think of your safety and your babies, have no more contact with this man xx

faithie · Jun 4, 2011 2:57AM

Hi. G/c as saw this on the front page. First tell your husband!!! What possible good could come from keeping it from him? He might get angry, he has a right too, not at you but at the man. You need to tell you boss aswell and make a sexual harassment greivance. It wouldn't be my first instinct to go to the police but if the harassment continues, you must.

GlitterBug09 · Jun 4, 2011 2:59AM

I think you should, in the first instance, email him back and tell him in no uncertain terms that he has completely misinterpretated your friendliness and you are happily married with children. Tell him firmly that you have no wish to enter into any kind of relationship with him and request that all emails and contact stops imediately. Tell him that if he does not comply you will report him to his superiors and, if needs be, the police. If he continues then you must report him straight away. If this man is delusional (or weird) then quitting may not be enough to stop him; he could still email you etc. Good luck chick, be strong and consider telling your husband about it. I know you must be worried that he will get angry or even acusational (my hubby would probably accuse me of encouraging it to start with, but he is insecure) BUT it would be better for you to tell him in the first instance before it escalates. My mum was stalked by a person who resided in a day release hospital for the mentally ill when she was younger and she didnt tell my dad until it became really bad for fear that he might beat the guy up and get into trouble with the police, but in the end the situation was a whole lot messier when she had to come clean (after the guy had found out where she worked and showed up there). My dad was very hurt that she hadnt told him and actually more sensible and supportive than she thought he would have been. xxx

hedgie · Jun 4, 2011 6:16AM

Thank you for your replies. I forwarded the email to my dh. I didn't want to, but I sat him down, told him what happened, and then told him I'd sent him the email. I thought I wanted to be as completely upfront as possible. - I didn't actually mean I wouldn't tell him, it's just I feel shaken and have not been keen to deal with his reaction.

Dh is mad, mad at me for working at this job, mad at this guy, mad at everything. He didn't want me to take the job, so he feels I should have listened to him in the first place. - That is a whole other can of worms, but given we are having a fifth baby what mum wouldn't jump for a well paid work from home, flexible job that would give financial security.

I have emailed this guy back, and said, 'I do not want any contact ever with you. If you continue to contact me I will contact the the appropriate authorities.'

He's emailed me back four times already saying he loves that I have a dark lustful side, that he will always wait for me, and all this creepy stuff that doesn't make any sense.

I have also drafted a letter to our manager. I don't know if I should send it or not, but I can't keep going to these meetings. Should I send her copies of these emails? Do I state that I can not continue to work with him there? Saying that, I have heard from office gossip, that the manager and this guy were having a relationship together behind their spouses backs last year when I started. I am quite sure it is true as I know I walked in on them twice when they were mid inappropriate conduct, just because I arrived early for the meeting and didn't expect anyone to be. I kind of worry she may just get really mad at me. Dh wants me to quit asap, and while that was my knee jerk reaction, I don't want to loose out on what has been a very comfortable way to add nearly ??20k, to our families income.... it's a huge difference in our security.

Should I contact someone like CAB, would they be able to tell me how is best to proceed?

ChristyM77 · Jun 4, 2011 6:34AM

Yes yes yes contact the local authorities, just to give them a heads-up and to get advice on the best way to proceed. It's good to cover yourself like that, just in case the nutter tries anything else. Having a police report on file will also prove at a later date that you were serious about your rejection of his advances at the very beginning, should it come to the need for further legal action (OK, maybe I watch way too much Judge Judy, but she's always going on about how if you don't do something as soon as a situation arises, then you can't be serious etc., which I guess is how a lot of authorities view these things). Take his multiple e-mails and your reply to the police and get them to advise you. Let them know the situation with your manager and seek advice about whether or not you should forward her the e-mails or if you should call a meeting with her, with an independent witness (probably the latter).

The guy sounds like a right fruitcake. He needs to be stopped. This is the last thing you need right now (or anytime really). By the sounds of his sky-high confidence in himself, he's probably done this many times before. God his poor wife, she probably has no idea.

You may not have to lose your job by letting people know. But consider, is 20k worth your peace, safety and happiness, and that of your family? Sure it's a good amount of money, but nothing is worth your peace of mind. Your DH would never suggest quitting if he didn't think you guys could survive financially. There are other good jobs like that out there, but I do understand your concern about giving up that much money for a situation that is in no way your fault.

Cripes, my skin is just creeping for you. What a blasted jerk!!!!!!!!! I really hope he gets lost and leaves you alone.

Thinking of you x

faithie · Jun 4, 2011 6:36AM

You should not have to leave your job because of sexual harassment. If your superior does not deal with the situation apropriately then go above her head. If there is no one above her you can contact industrial relations for advice and advocacy. What a sh!tty thing to go through!

KazzieM · Jun 4, 2011 6:38AM

Hi, I've been in this situation at work and yes, you need to inform both your partner and your boss of the situation. Do not delete any of the messages, however lude and upsetting they are, what you are going through is sexual harrassment and it needs to be stopped. The more evidence you can provide, the easier it will be to resolve. In my case it was endless text messages and inappropriate behaviour which a couple of work mates witnessed and confirmed to my manager when I wrote my letter of complaint basically outlining that either he got transferred or I did. He got transferred to another post where he promptly tried it again with another female colleague which resulted in his immediate dismissal. It's not nice to experience and you shouldn't have to. Best wishes for a speedy end to this.

Renee+2 · Jun 4, 2011 7:09AM

Honey contact the police. this is unwanted behaviour and he's clearly derranged.its preddatory behaviour as he appRoached you physically at night! It wouldn't suprise me at all if women have madfe complaints about him in the past. Speak to the police and they'll advise.

Mooomin · Jun 6, 2011 2:54PM

Hedgie,

This is pants! Well done for telling your OH but it hopefully it can be sorted out rather than you quitting.

I would have a word with your boss, let them know what kind of emails they were and offer to forward them to them if they want to see them. In all likelihood they will support you in any way possible. If they don't then go see the CAB ASAP.

Just to reiterate what some other ladies said try not to get into any situation where you would be alone with him. Ask a friend to walk you to your car or if possible get your OH to pick you up (might not be possible with your other little ones).

Don't want to freak you out but you could also get an attack alarm to carry when he is around.

I'm so angry and upset for you. Hope you get the support you need to get this sorted as soon as possible.

Hugs

Mooomin x

really awkward situation

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