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controlled crying?

Hi all...looking for some experienced advice if possible, please...



I understand about the debate on controlled crying, but I just wondered what people's experiences or thoughts were. Our Mia is 6 weeks old tomorrow and has become a real cuddle-monkey, meaning that she rarely settles on her own without resorting to screaming the house down. She will sometimes happily play in her jungle-gym on the floor, other times will be having none of it. She is extremely reluctant to be left alone for even a second, and seems only to want a cuddle from mummy or daddy. Now....what do we do about it? I have tried to leave her to cry, once I've ascertained that all the usual causes of crying don't exist, but she gets in such a state she ends up winning the battle by starting to choke, she's that upset, which of course frightens us and we pick her up. How long are we supposed to leave a crying baby so that she 'learns' that it's okay to be on her own?



The other side of the argument is that babies this young can't be spoiled and can't 'learn' such stuff, so we are okay to keep picking her up if she cries?



Which is right? The oh and I differ on it...I am happier to leave her grizzle than he is, but then he is a soft-shite where his new daughter is concerned, and quite rightly so!! :lol:

Replies

  • It's really hard to know what to do as there is no right or wrong.



    With aleia we put her in her cot and leave her for 5 mins. Go up soothe her and leave her again for 5 mins. We do this for about half hour in total and if she's still not settled we will bring her down, calm her with cuddles and then try again. It seems to be working as she is getting better at self settling. I can put her down wide awake and she will chat away for a bit, grizzle fir a bit and then go to sleep.



    You will find away that suits you. I think at this age they are starting to get aware of if I cry I will get picked up!! Well aleia does anyway!! Lol!!



    As I have a 6 year old who needs me too it is more a case of tough love with aleia in some cases as he needs to eat and her bottles won't clean themselves!! Lol!!



    There is no right it wrong just whatever works for you.



    All I will say is treasure the cuddles as they soon become a thing of the past as time really does fly! Lol!



    Mjc

    Xx
  • thanks mjc.....we do enjoy the cuddles soooo much, so we're as much to blame ourselves! :lol:



    The oh was in the doghouse last night...I'd got her settled in her cot by 10pm and left her to grizzle...not crying at all...just chattering to herself about her nasty mummy, when daddy gets back home from cadets and goes and picks her up for cuddles!! It was gone midnight when she finally settled again! I think he learned his lesson tho! :lol:



    As you say, they have to be left sometimes otherwise nothing else around the house will ever get done! I left her on her playmat this morning while I hoovered and tidied, and yes she cried, but she was absolutely fine and eventually gave up when she realised I was still around and chatting to her. Result!!



    Aleia and Mia will no doubt soon start a campaign to get their mummies to quit the cleaning! Poor kids!! xxx
  • Hi ladies.



    I'll leave Imogen to grump/cry for up to ten minutes, then go in to her if she won't settle but will keep the lights low and won't bring her back down stairs, I keep at it until she settles herself and she's getting rather good at it now. Only time I go into her at less than that is if she's really getting irate and screaming but that isn't very often. It does help that straight after her bath I turn the lights low, have the house quiet and give her a massage with baby oil and put her powder on, then give her a feed and straight in to bed. it's got to the point now where if it gets past her usual bedtime and she's not had her massage she starts getting grumpy like she wants to go to bed, so I certainly think they can 'learn' a routine.



    You just have to persevere, take a deep breath and tell daddy he needs to be more strict lol. I let both my other two cry for a bit and in no time at all they were going to bed when I put them down every time.



    Oops, sorry for the essay lol
  • thanks Clare...I'd really like to get her into a routine like you have, but I think both me and the oh are still in the honeymoon period with our enthrallment with our daughter and want her with us all the time, and seem to simply have a very laidback approach to parenting!! Very naughty I know!



    What time do you put Imogen down after her bath etc? We seem to have settled with 10pm which of course is very late and can't last....but I'm also worrying about when I go back to work in just 6 weeks...if we put her to bed at 7pm, I won't see her at all :cry:



    Really difficult to know what to do.....on the plus side, I've managed to get the oh to leave Mia to grizzle in her cot...result!



    Hope all is well xx
  • morning chris,



    Laid back isn't a bad thing. I'm quite laid back too really. my kids don't generally have a set bedtime but we will put them to bed between half seven to half eight depending on what we're up to, but they do go when they're told image



    We tend to put imogen down between eight and nine so that she gets quality time with daddy when he gets home. I don't believe it's the TIME you put the baby down that's important but the routine you have that teaches baby bedtime is approaching. Does that make sense?
  • We tend to put aleia to bed for a nap between lunch feed and tea time feed. This is the time she grizzles so we leave her to settle eventually as above! Lol!! We have started leaving it 10 mins between checking on her. She then sleep until next bottle and that's when we do bath and feed. After this one she will go down awake no problems and go straight to sleep!



    As Clare has said it's not so much the time as the letting them know it's bed time.

    My little man goes to bed between 7 and 8 and he knows bed time as he starts sitting still and being dead quiet do we don't realise he's there!! Bless him!!



    You'll figure out your own way of doing things hun so I wouldn't stress too much.



    Xx
  • hi - thanks girls....I was stressing a bit over the time, but I think you're right in that it's the routine that's important and the earlier time will kick in when it needs to... We do have a bath, massage, low lights, quiet voice, soft music and feed time from 9pm with her, which generally gets her asleep by 10pm, and seems to be working for the most part, so I guess when I need to alter the timings I just bring the same routine forward bit by bit and she'll be sorted.



    I'm so glad you're here to offer your wisdom.... I know exactly how to operate with children aged about 2 upwards, due to my work and also being an Incredible Years group leader, but this baby-care lark is another realm!! I'm lucky I have the total hands-on support of hubby and an extremely easy and laid-back baby!



    Thanks again girls!! Hope everyone is well xx
  • I am currently trying this for the first night.



    THIS IS AWFUL! :/ I really hope it works. This is my distraction image

    He's currently crying his eyes out and all I want to do it pick him up and give him a massive cuddle but I've heard so many success stories with this technique that I have to keep at it image



    I have major respect for all trying it image

    2 minutes to go image

    xxx
  • my god reading this has scared me!!!



    i must be too laid back! lol

    emily is 5 weeks tomo and has no routine!

    i just bf when shes hungry then she sleeps....and sleeps.



    so far she only crys wen shes hungry! but that will prob change!!!



    my older son has a good routine but we started that wen he was 5-6months old! so every one is differnt!

    xjenz
  • my god reading this has scared me!!!



    i must be too laid back! lol

    emily is 5 weeks tomo and has no routine!

    i just bf when shes hungry then she sleeps....and sleeps.



    so far she only crys wen shes hungry! but that will prob change!!!



    my older son has a good routine but we started that wen he was 5-6months old! so every one is differnt!

    xjenz
  • my god reading this has scared me!!!



    i must be too laid back! lol

    emily is 5 weeks tomo and has no routine!

    i just bf when shes hungry then she sleeps....and sleeps.



    so far she only crys wen shes hungry! but that will prob change!!!



    my older son has a good routine but we started that wen he was 5-6months old! so every one is differnt!

    xjenz
  • hi all,



    i've started to get Jude into a routine but he can't/dosen't settle himself very well during the day (the night is fine for some reason??)



    We leave him to sleep on us or downstairs with us during all naps and until we go up to bed - should i be putting him in his moses basket for all naps? and before we go to bed?



    Also, how should i do controlled crying as sometimes he really gets in a paddy after about 5 mins and doesn't calm himslef until i've picked him up??



    Any tips would be great!



    He's 4 weeks today so not sure if that's to young to be thinking about this yet? xx
  • Completely gatecrashing but saw this on homepage. I have a 17 month old DS and am pregnant with number 2. I personally feel that 6 weeks is WAY too young to do controlled crying or leave them to cry deliberately. It is different if you have another LO to look after and therefore can't run to your baby at every opportunity, but please don't feel you are 'spoiling' your 6 week old by cuddling them to sleep. They are still so new to the world! With my LO I was completely baby led for the first 4/5 months, feeding on demand, not letting him cry but after that we started leaving him to self settle - 5 minutes was the most we'd leave him though. He quickly managed it and has been a fab sleeper ever since.



    Obviously do what's right for you but please don't stress about routine and self settling too much at this very early age. x
  • ps Even the 'experts' who are pro controlled crying say it shouldn't be done until 6 months.
  • I also do agree that our los are far too young for controlled crying. They are still developing their little personalities and need to know that mummy will be there when needed/wanted. At this age crying is their only method of communication to let you know when there is something wrong or they are unhappy.





    My older one Xander is two next month and we still don't have the heart to do controlled crying. I personally could not just sit there and listen to my child cry, knowing I could make it better... and do nothing. No offence to those who do, as we have tried it several times with xander (but not until he was 1!!) and neither me nor my partner had the heart to continue with it. He sleeps in our bed which has its downsides but also has many good points - they will only be this small once so I enjoy the cuddles whilst I can image xx
  • I guess this is something that suits some babies and parents, but not all, and is another thing that babies will do at different ages....I've decided to not try any more controlled crying as it just isn't working for Mia, and I think it's because she's still so young. In fact, now that I've stopped trying so hard, the last few days, she has been happy to gurgle herself to sleep as long as I am in the room. I don't have to speak to her or pick her up, she just wants to know I'm there. Bless! And it doesn't take too long - only 10 minutes. image



    I last tried controlled crying on Weds evening as I was alone and I have a stronger constitution for it than my oh! It was heartbreaking! I went in to her every 5 mins, but didn't pick her up, just reassured her, and she did settle, but then as soon as I left her again, she screamed blue murder. The poor child screamed herself hoarse, and I gave up after about 40minutes when my ears were beginning to bleed!!



    She is such a mummy-and-daddy's girl, and it makes my heart bounce to know that she knows that she is loved by us and feels secure enough to stop crying the moment she is back with us....why else do we have children if not to make them feel loved, secure and give them our attention? I lover her so much, I don't care if I'm making my life a little harder down the line....it's what works for now.



    Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their little munchkins....the giggles and smiles at 3am are soooooo rewarding I could nibble her up! xx
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