I feel like im on my own! :(

ylacoutts · Mar 8, 2011 11:28AM

As OH is at work monday to friday 8am till 5pm i do all the night feeds during the week but come the weekends it would be nice to get some help with feeds but OH has decided that as he stays up lateron a fri and sat night he will do the 2am ish feed and thats it! This morning Tyler woke an hour after i fed him and i was just sooo tired all i wanted to do was sleep so thought OH would get up and feed him for me but no what happened? OH decided to shake me untill i gave up and got up and fed him! Now i dont think i am being unreasonable but i do every feed during the week could he not help out a little bit at weekends? I needed to wake OH to feed tyler as i needed to pee and when i got back he asked what was wrong with me so i let him have it! Told him he was no ise to me at weekends when i am ever so tired, i dont get a break all week and when he is at home he could help out with feeds ect. This was not how i ment to have that conversation but as i was tired thats how it came out! OH got out of bed and slept in front room leaving me in tears feeding Tyler!

We did try and have a chat today about it and see if things could be sorted out but that didnt really go well and he just made me feel extrememly guilty for needing some help when he is here! To be honest all today i have been bursting out crying and all i can see is one day it all becoming to much and i know its not good for tyler for us not to be happy together that i will want to take him and move back home to edinburgh!

We tried for sooo long for Tyler had fertility tests ect and we do both love him ever so much and Oh is a good dad during the day but i need him to be a good help all of the time! I love Oh sooo much and couldnt imagine life with out him i just thought once i had our baby things would change slightly! He isnt the sort of man to tell me he loves me ( in the past 4years its been 2times and both was when he was extremely pissed!) but he is normally ever so helpful and thats what is worrying me now that he isnt as helpful as normal and doesnt seem to want to help! What if something has changed his feelings wise! What if he is starting to regret having a baby with me? I know i am being silly thinking this i think as i am ever so tired with tyler getting up every 2hours at night!

What do you think am i expecting to much from OH?

Yla + Tyler 5weeks old today! XX

earwig1971 · Mar 5, 2011 5:36PM

Hi Yla...didn't want to read and run...you sound absolutely bloody knackered, you poor thing! No, I don't think it's too much to ask for a little more help at the weekends. As you say, you're on your own with Tyler for those long days during your oh's working week, AND doing the night feeds to allow him his rest, so yes, you should be getting more of a rest at the weekends. It's heartbreaking tho, when you feel bad about the little one needing feeding AGAIN and you know it's up to you and you're sooooo tired...I'm still exclusively breastfeeding Mia, so it's only me that does the feeding, and it definitely gets me down sometimes.

You're so tired your conversations are bound to be tense and sniping, and your oh will probably feel attacked. Have you had a proper quiet chat to him? Perhaps a friend or family member could take Tyler for an hour or so while you talk to him. Can you go somewhere neutral for the chat? Does he feel neglected and shoved out now that Tyler's here? No matter how much he loves Tyler or how much he wanted him here, these men can feel very neglected when our attention has to be split and especially in these early weeks when baby needs us so much and we have to put our partners second. My oh today said he felt like a spare part as I do the majority of tasks with Mia...so we've arranged that he now has new responsibilities ie bathing, to compensate for not feeding. Small, but makes him feel needed and wanted and will develop the bond.

Have you spoken to your hv about the possibility of baby blues? It is unforgivable for him to make you feel guilty about needing help....caring for a newborn is bloody hard work and exhausting both physically and mentally, and maybe if he had to do it on his own for just one day, he would see what pressures you're under.

Hope he sees sense soon xx

MummyJC · Mar 5, 2011 5:53PM

Ah hun I sympathise with you 100%

Aleia is 7wks old now and hubs has done 3 night feeds 2 of which I was awake for!!

Dont get me wrong I love my little princess and we have been so lucky with her as she sleeps really well but the night feed is still shattering!

Hubs works days and has 2/3 days off a week dependent on shifts but even on his nights off he does sweet fa!!

This week u have been the most poorly I have ever been with a cough, cold and sinus infection which has given me the headache from hell where if I move I get a searing pain and feel a bit fuzzy!! A bit of help so I could rest would have been awesome but no! Nada!! I still had to do the night feed!! Bloody men!!

To be honest though hubs does nothing unless I ask him too so feel like a single parent to 2 kids! Not nice at all with a house to clean, mountains of washing, and food to cook!!

I would do as earwig has said and see if someone can have Tyler for a couple hours so you can gave a proper chat with him. He needs to see how you feel hun. At the end of the day you are only thinking of your little man and he will need to see this.

You do sound so exhausted hun.

How much is Tyler taking food wise to still be up every 2 hours?? That seems a lot.

If you need to vent by text hub you have my number.

Sorry I'm not much help really but wanted you to know I totally see how you feel and no your by no means asking for too much!! These men hey?? Lol!!

Xx

earwig1971 · Mar 5, 2011 6:14PM

I feel very lucky that I have a oh who WANTS to be involved and to help. He does a share of bathing, nappies, crying shifts, dressing etc.....BUT....I still do ALL the housework, shopping, cleaning, washing, dog walking, home-running, etc etc AND all the night duties with Mia. If she is grizzly, I am lucky in that he will sit up with her til the early hours to allow me to get some sleep from about 11pm, so I get a block of at least 3hours.

However, I have left him alone for periods of time this week, and I have been confronted with the "where have you been" on my return... when I've only been gone an hour! He does not cope well with being sole carer of Mia for any decent length of time, especially if she is crying, which does not bode well for April, when I go back to work full time!

I really hope you can reach some sort of agreement with your men...but I think we women are simply destined to take the majority of the burden of childcare and home-running...but it doesn't mean we shouldn't get help when we need it, regardless of their perception of whether they think we need it or not. These men need things spelt out in crayon most of the time!

ylacoutts · Mar 5, 2011 7:45PM

Hey ladies thanks for the replies! I am so tired its not funny! Tyler takes 5and half ounces of hungry baby milk and sometime he finnishes all of this every feed even at night but sometimes he will only take 3ounces and then will look for more! If he only takes 3ounces he can be back up with in an hour so if he goes 2hours i am lucky! I asked HV about this and even took Tyler to DR as i am worried he is over feeding but they both said he wouldnt take it if he didnt want it! He would be sick and his number2's would change in colour but that isnt happening! When he does take a feed you can hear his tummy rumble when the milk hits it so he must just be hungry!

Tyler has slept more than normal this evening so managed to have a chat to OH but i dont think he is understanting me so at the mo i am giving up with trying to explain! He says he is tired as he has work to go to but like us all i am working all the time i have the house work ect to do along with look after tyler! Oh is really good does his share of nappy changes and a few feeds at weekends its just like he gets to bed and thats it he wont do anything but get his sleep!

I did think about talking to HV about this but i dont feel like i have baby blues or anything like that just really tired and i have a history of depression in the past and worry she will think its more than me being tired!

Going to try and get some sleep tonight but it depends on Tyler!

Thanks again ladies! Will let you know how we get on tonight!

XX

earwig1971 · Mar 6, 2011 2:44AM

hi Yla...how has your night gone? It must be so frustrating that your oh still doesn't quite get the picture...I am sure he IS tired after his week of work, but unless he does a week of sole baby care, days and nights, he will have no idea of exactly what YOU mean by the word 'tired'. I have never known an exhaustion like this, especially after a rough night where Mia has wanted feeding every hour, and it's something that can't be explained - it has to be experienced. Sometimes, I'm so tired that if someone would offer me a duvet that was on fire, laying on a bed of nails, on the edge of a howling cliff surrounded by starving bears...I'm sure I would very often take it and say thank you!!!

Do you have anyone else that could maybe take Tyler for a night? Even one full night of sleep would help you to feel so much better. And if your oh disagrees with Tyler going to someone else, then he HAS to step up to the mark.

Hope it gets better soon xx

ylacoutts · Mar 6, 2011 1:38PM

Last night didnt go to bad! OH did help out a bit more but Tyler was up every 2hours again so we both were up with him! OH's mum could take Tyler but i dont really like the thought of it to be honest! We are going out on the 8th april for a friends birthday and im just trying to get that into my head now that Tyler will be staying with OH's mum that night!

Im trying just to think about Tyler and me and not stress to much. I think i am stressing as i am so tired. When i can i will just have to sleep and in the evenings when OH is home i will enjoy a nice relaxing bath and a large glass of wine haha! XX

MummyJC · Mar 6, 2011 1:52PM

Ah Hun I really do feel for you. You prob have severe exhaustion. Which is no good for you or baby.

Glad oh helped out a bit.

Apparently if I need help I have to ask. Grr!! Makes me feel like I can't cope with baby!! Men really hack me off!! Lol!!

Can mil not have Tyler for a few hours during day rather than at night do you cab catch up on some much needed sleep.

You really do need more sleep hun it's not good.

I feel terrible complaining about my hubs but at least aleia goes 5-6ish hours at night! Well some nights! Lol!!

Take care of you Hun

Xx

ylacoutts · Mar 6, 2011 2:27PM

She does help out a bit druring the day but i dont like her doing to much as she isnt the heathiest of people and dont want to put to much on her. I have tried sleepong during the day and its just something i have never been able to do. Hopefully Tyler will start to sleep a bit better during the night and things will sort them self out a bit!

I am back to doing all feeds again tonight so will just need to see how it goes and if it does just get to much i will get Oh's mum to help more!

XX

Annie75 · Mar 6, 2011 4:21PM

I have been struggling with this a bit too. I had PND after Joshua and have been scared of it coming back. One thing I find hard is coping with the children, trying to do housework, shop, cook etc. The other thing I am bad at is asking for help. My OH is great as long as you ask him to do something.

So, one thing we have found that works for us is to write a list of things that need doing. Then when one of us has a spare 5 minutes we look at the list, do a job and then tick it off.

Also, when you are both so tired and adjusting to this new life, you can says things in the wrong way. Then you just end up in an argument and things are then worse. I find that if I write down how I feel, what he has said that has upset me, what I want him to do etc. You are calmer when writing, you can read over it and change things if you need to and he is also calm when he reads it.

Keep smiling and remember we are always here to listen and help. X

Babysteps · Mar 6, 2011 6:10PM

Just to echo Annie's excellent post Yla, and to say you are doing a brill job hunni, keep smiling and keep posting - will be thinking of you tonight looks like we are both on the night shift xxx

clareabella · Mar 7, 2011 6:21AM

Hi hun, so feel for you. because I'm breastfeeding Imogen I do all the feeds except on the rare occasion I express but have never given her a bottle on a night (too easy to just get the booby out lol), but my hubby will help out on occasion and on a weekend when he's not at work he'll look after her for a few hours if she's wide awake so I can get a little sleep, but I feel guilty leaving him to it because he has a very demanding job lol.

My hubs doesn't seem to understand just how tiring it is too though and has a go at me for getting frustrated at 1,2,3am when she won't settle, he comes back with 'well she wakes me up too' erm yes darling but when I take her to feed her you go back to sleep

and then I'm up at seven anyway to get the kids sorted for school.

I think men must see it as being easy because we're 'off work'. I hope you do get it sorted with your OH hun, just remember that you're not alone in your frustrations lol the first six months of a baby's life are probably the most stressful for your relationship. Take a deep breath and count to 10 (or 100 if your need that long lol)

sian490 · Mar 8, 2011 10:24AM

Hi, sorry i have only just read your post.

I hope your nights have been getting better?

My oh is a very heavy sleeper, so he gets a full nights sleep every night, as Megans crying doesnt even wake him up!!

i hate to think what would happen if anthing happened to me and he had to look after her 24/7!!

i am breastfeeding so in the week i dont see the point in waking oh up, as it takes me long enough to get him out his deep sleep anyway!

however at the weekend i will sometimes ask him to do 1 nappy change in the night.

however when he was tired on sat morning, it was 9am and i hadnt woke him all night and he couldnt even get up to change a nappy at 9am!! i was like 'well im tired too!!'

but hey, like everyone else has said, its just men i guess!!

i am lucky as oh likes to food shop and cook, so i just have to keep on top of washing, ironing, cleaning etc. which is still abit hard with a newborn in tow!

but no matter what i still try and do something once a day to make me feel better ie paint my nails or have a hot bath, it keeps me sain, so maybe you could ask oh to look after tyler while you do something like that if u find it hard to nap in the day?

it de-stresses me anyway!

xxx

ylacoutts · Mar 8, 2011 11:28AM

Well ladies i am feeling a bit better now! Dont ask me why as still not getting sleep but i just feel better!

OH did help out on sat night but sun night when i really needed him he slept! Tyler was up that night from 2.20am untill about 11am! I didnt get a bit of sleep at all that night then to top it off i had to go get a filling yesterday!

Tyler slept a bit better last night! Only woke every 3hours so that was really good for him! OH must have relised how bad i had it as he came home last night with a bottle of wine and a cd i have been after for ages but never got the chance to get! The Bruno Mars one! I LOVE IT!!!

I think i will have a chat to HV about how i am feeling i just really hope she doesnt think its anything more than me being tired and feeling crappy! Nothing to do with my past history of depression and anxiaty (cant spell that haha)

Thanks for all the comments ladies makes me feel better being able to have a chat with you all!

XX

I feel like im on my own! :(

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