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is anyone terrified they won't be ready?

hi ladies



does anyone feel like 3 months is not enough time?! I have lists of jobs that i need OH to do around the house and am always on at him to do them, when you break it down its nothing we can't manage but i think i just feel paniced. I would prefer it all to be done now so i can just relax.



I think part of it is that we planned to double the size of our house and now can't afford to, i never imagined having a baby in the house we have and while we are making it nice and we are lucky to own our little house i have struggled with accepting this.



Things are looking so much better but i never seem able to focus on the good stuff for long without stressing over what needs doing! Am going on last baby free holiday in 4 weeks, and i told my self originally all would be done and ready by then :roll: I just know my OH has no idea how our lives will be turned upside down and how we'll never have any spare time once bubs is here!



I try to tell myself the house is ok and babies only care that they're warm, fed and loved...but i kind of feel ive failed not getting the home we planned on prior to having our family. image x

Replies

  • HI Alfie,



    I don't think you've failed at all. Plenty of people have to stay in their current accommodation for lots of reasons & manage. I can understand though that's it's about what you had hoped to achieve before baby arrived.



    To be honest I don't think I'll ever be truly ready for what it will be like when baby arrives, all we can do is our best. You are right though that your baby needs somewhere safe, warm & dry, feeding when hungry & love, affection & stimulation. It sounds to me that your baby is going to be getting all those things.



    Would it help to agree with your husband tasks to be done on particular evenings & weekends but also things you are going to do so he doesn't feel it's all down to him?



    Good luck with everything image
  • hi linds



    i know i sound like a slave driver but i do stuff too, honestly! I clean, do washing etc but struggle with DIY - if i tried i would totally ruin the house ha ha.



    Im trying to compromise with OH eg spending time doing nice things, balancing it with asking him to do the things we need doing. He doesnt seem aware that im stressed and its not good for me, and to cut me a bit of slack by getting on with it. The bigger i get the more it feels as if the clock's ticking!



    My parents have always had a bit of a life plan for me and my sister - we were pushed hard at school, went to uni, got careers. They helped us buy our house but the plan was always to extend it and make some money, my sister is a high flyer and has just bought a big house in a beutiful village with her husband. I think having a baby in a two bed semi wasnt the plan they had for me either - and while i know its not their business and they are thrilled to be grandparents i feel ive let them down too :roll: my OH comes from a family that have never owned their own property (i know i sound like a horrible snob - im no trying to) but i dont think he ever had the pressure i have had, and just doesnt see the importance of a nice home. I know as a grown adult all that matters is our little family and i shouldnt worry about my upbringing etc but i do.



    Anyway, sorry for the rant! The sleepless nights will be here soon enough and all ill be able to think about is putting milk in one end and changing the other end and getting back to sleep :lol:
  • HI Alfie,



    You don't sound like a slave driver at all - you just want the best for your baby & it sounds like as you're carrying him/her you're acutely aware of that. Coupled with the expectations others may have for you which you then put on yourself. Remember you can always do those things to extend your house in the future - they're just on hold for now. It's important not to compare yourself to your sister too much. Your lives are different but neither is better than the other.



    I don't know the answer when it comes to getting DIY done. What does your husband say if you talk to him about your hopes & aspirations for before baby arrives? If he can't/wont do it can you get someone else to help? Or is paying someone an option (realise it may not be)?



    I'm not sure I've helped much but hope you know you've not failed - you wouldn't care so much about these things if that was the case.





    Take care image
  • Hi

    G/C from born in march but just wanted to say that the bit you wrote about your OH not having a clue about how much your lives are going to be turned upside down was exactly how I felt. I felt we should be making the most of our last few weeks just the two of us but hubby didn't seems to realise that our lives were about to change forever.



    BUT, now that our little man is here he is really good with him. Our lives have changed, so much for the better and since Harry's arrival hubby has even tried some DIY which has never happened before! Hubby is much more determined to do things that I have nagged him about for years - for example his exams at work. I think having Harry has made him realise how much he wants the best for him so you never know, it might be the kick up the bum your OH needs! (I found that hubby disappears to do jobs I have been asking him to do for months/years when Harry is being grumpy - not ideal but at least the jobs are finally getting done!)



    Don't worry about the house not being exactly as you had imagined, you won't have time to even think about it when bubs is here and you won't care either!



    Good luck with everything, you will be fine!



    xx
  • Hey Alfie



    Im so with you hun...with me not being with the babies dad im at home with my parents! I feel like i have let them down because im single, 21 and living at home! However my mum has reassured me that she is not dissapointed in me and all she wants is for me to be happy image Im sure you're parents are the same. As my mum says things dont always go to plan but everything happens for a reason image Maybe another house will come up for sale and you can afford it...maybe the house will be extended beyond your dreams when bubba arrives maybe hubby will get a pay rise things like this you cant know.



    I do wonder if i will be ready though because what will be the nursery is still full of junk...my room needs decorating all before baby comes and im 27weeks. But i know if its not done its not the end of the world the baby doesnt care about the paint thats me as long as house is clean and tidy thats my aim image



    I hope your ok hun and not worrying too much your getting your baby and your obviously going to be a fab mummy your working hard to get the house tidy and clean so be proud of yourself. Stop worrying abou what's not done and concentrate on what you have achieved things you have bought...tidied...cleaned etc...hasnt been easy for you the last couple of months with OH etc i think y7our doing marvelously and once baby is here it will be amazing how the baby will fit into our lives and things that seem so important atm will seem like nothing when were looking after our babies image



    xxx
  • Try not to worry about everything that needs doing. It will get done in time. I agree that maybe talking and prioritising things is a good idea - might help you to relax more.

    WHen I found out I was pregnant with ds1 my OH didnt really get at first the importance - we had been thinking about moving for years - we lived i a 1 bedroom flat but kept putting it off as we were having trouble conceiving. We also had been planning to marry for years but that kept being put off as well. When I found out I was pregnant it wasn't until I was 13 weeks that I told him we had to buy a bigger house - we moved 3 months later. My husband decided that we would get married before the birth this was 8 weeks before my due date - we got married 5 weeks later 13 days before my ds1 arrived!



    I didn't have as much to do for ds2 except sort out the spare bedroom to become a nursery - my husband did that 3 weeks before my ds2 arrived!



    This time I am still amazingly behind - I have no double buggy etc and my husand won't sit down and decide a name - says we have weeks yet. My DS2 is still in the nursery so I can't sort that out.

    I always get panicky about preparation and never seem to get things done on time.



    Sorry went on a bit- meant to say - it is only natural to panic as it is your motherly instinct wanting the best for your LO - added pressure of expectations doesn't help your feelings.



    Hope you feel more relaxed soon image
  • I was exactly like you with my first! I wanted everything to be ready and now!!!! Ha! I guess as the house is now baby proof I've not even thought about what I need to get ready for this one! I need to do his nursery out so I guess I better start!



    Everything will work out in the end, you will be ready! Try not to let it stress you out! Xx
  • hi ladies



    ah, thanks for all youe kind replies. You have all made me feel a lot better. I have always wanted everything in place before anything big (you should have seen me as a bride to be :lol: ) but the baby tops all the big life changes.



    Linds76 i think my OH has got used to me being a fuss pot and has developed the technique of letting it all wash over him! To be honest we have had some problems in our relationship in the last few months as i have felt, despite being my husband, he hasnt been commited to me and the baby and we weren't his first priority, i wasnt even sure this was the life he really wanted. After a big heart to heart things have been better and i think he's just scared. I dont want to push him too far whinging but i also feel a certain amount of all this is his responsibiltiy and i don't want to end up feeling let down by him and angry - if that makes any sense. I want things done so everythings calm for baby.



    milliemoodle thanks for your words of advice about your OH. I hope mine will be the same when LO is here. He has been known amongst his friends as someone who adores children (he's always the one playing with them at weddings etc) but he's last of his friends to have his own child and they're all over the moon for him as they feel its been a long time coming. I think in view of all this i thought he'd be super dad from the beginning of pregnancy and very loved up with me and wanting to please me - which is not exactly how it's been!



    bumplover - its nice to hear from you - have been wondering how you've been doing. Is your OH still on the scene or has he made himself scarce? Have said it before but i genuinely admire you for your courage - its a brave thing to recognise your life and your baby's life will be better away from your OH. Im so glad you have a lovely supportive mum. Im sure she's proud of you for the difficult choice you've made to be a single mum and she'll be there for you - i know my mum is there for me 100% and it means absolutely everything. You're right, the decorating etc is just for us as mums and not for our babies - they just need the basics and love.



    alf n osks mum i have NO IDEA how you managed a house move and a wedding on top of preparing for your 1st baby! You must feel like nothing will ever phase you ever again - it must have made you strong. In comparison, getting ready for the arrival of a baby alone seems like nothing :lol: your oh sounds like mine in some ways, everything can wait until it just can't wait anymore. And everything for the baby would probably be done eventually, even if it was the weekend before bubs arrives - but i absolutely can not live like that!! image one of his great gems of wisdom was that we should wait until baby's born so we know the sex, then, while im still in hospital, he would decorate the nursery in pink or blue! needless to say, the nursery is being done neutral!



    artysmam - thanks for your kind words. Good to know a lot of it is just a natural maternal instinct. I feel like LO deserves the best and its just the first thing of many millions of things we will do for him/her. It feels like falling at the first hurdle otherwise (im aware of how ridiculous that sounds, but i have the hormones as an excuse!) :lol:



    my mum and dad came down yesterday and we bought curtains for my dining room, and put them up along with nursery curtains image its all starting to look far more homely. They also helped me loads with the garden. I know my dad had made some comments to mum beforehand that it wasnt right he was doing it and not OH and i do feel bad, like we're kids that can't stand on our own two feet. But i wanted it doing too much to refuse and now OH can do some other things for the house this weekend, which he's promised he'll do after last weekend spending lots of time with his friends and family. Anyway, sorry for the massive rant, i can type fast and always write way too much! x
  • Hey Alfie

    No my OH hasnt paid anything for the baby he hasnt asked to see me he text last week to see how me n bump are so i told him i was suffering but baby ok and he replied good so that was that. From what ive seen on fb and heard from friends he has a new gf im not bothered but he has made idle threats to take baby out of the country if he doesnt get joint access so im not putting him on the birth certificate and then he cant get the baby a passport therefore cant take it out of the country i mean i know its unlikely he would but i need that for my peace of mind! His mum is being great and shes taking me shopping for to get a few bits for baby (i have all the main stuff like) shes asked to see me but he hasnt so tough! I've also told my mum that if he doesnt ask to see me before i have the baby he will NOT be welcome at the hospital because i dont want the first time i see him to be when im not looking all that good he is not being present for the birth and my baby will have my surname image The only person who will miss out in the long run is him! Im very lucky that i have a supportive family and great friends image Ive been signed off work due to my SPD but im using the time off i now have to get the house sorted want it clean and tidy and then i can look at decorating image xxx
  • sounds like its going well bumplover, sorry to hear your ex is being such an idiot. From my experience when i heard an ex had another girlfriend and i wasnt bothered, i knew in my own mind it must be over for me 100%. You are obviously focusing on the future as a mummy and he is focusing on anything but his future as a daddy - his loss.



    I think its so lovely you are including his mum though and as long as she makes the effort and doesnt put you in a position its lovely for your LO to have another grandma.



    Definately dont put him on the birth certificate. He'll have some rights of course but my guess is after a few visits to your baby he will sadly loose interest - which is sad for your baby but you sound strong enough, with good support, to move forward and give your little one a good life regardless and at least he wont be able to mess you about.



    Will you be able to get money from him if he isnt on the birth certificate though?



    You definately shouldnt have him at the birth, its a time when you're at your most vulnerable and you only want someone close and trusted with you. A lot of dads to be say its their right to be there as the baby's father but thats rubbish. The end part is the birth of the baby but most of it is the labour where you'll be struggleing and will need support for you - you don't need that from somone who can't even act like your friend.



    Anyway, hope i dont sound like im preaching too much! glad to hear you're doing ok, hope the spd doesnt give you too much grief x
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