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stressed
Sorry Alfie, I'm probably butting in here. I'm DIS, but I keep nosily wandering across here now in search of early birth stories. Anyway, thought I'd add my twopence (for what it's worth!)
I KNOW it's bloody hard work when you feel like you're doing the whole preparation thing on your own, and you DO feel like it should be something not only that they help with, but that they WANT to be part of. I feel very similar. From trying to find names, to writing lists of things we'll need, to working out models of different things are suitable etc. it's mainly me that's doing it all in our house too.
I know you're concerned with more than the normal 'head in sand' thing that a lot of blokes do with a baby on the way but I think it's best not to add this to the list of problems. Especially as I do think it's a little bit understandable that blokes do do this. Nesting isn't a cliche for nothing- it's a biological urge. Blokes just don't have it. Also, they obviously don't feel the little critter growing day-by-day.
I'm 32 weeks on Tuesday and my fella too is doing a very good ostrich impression atm! I have a friend who offered me a brilliant piece of parenting advice, which I think I'm going to try and apply to ALL my relationships from now on- 'Pick your battles'. With my OH I've thought about what it is I REALLY want/need him to be involved with/excited about. For me, it's the name thing, being a damned good birthing partner, and from a practical point of view, we need to shop for buggies together. So, I've ignored everything else. I'm happy to deal with the rest in fact. He's now working on the names thing. We're off to look at buggies today. And knowing I'm only relying on myself to come up with the goods on everything else stops me sending silent daggers at him for not doing other stuff! :0)
I also think, in order to relax, it's important to work out what's actually NECESSARY to be done. Will the world end if the light fitting isn't done tomorrow, and you go and spend some time together instead?
The thing is, I KNOW for him, he needs to see the baby before he gets fully involved, and I'm ok with that. I fully trust he'll rise to the occasion, and that's when things like the light fittings might be attended to!
I know you've been having problems for a long while and it's particularly horrid that you've been so unhappy during what should be such a special time. But since you HAVE made it this far with him, I reckon the best thing now, is to just try and relax.
I think this part of pregnancy is hard enough without trying to resolve EVERYTHING in the last couple of weeks.
The extra worrying isn't good for you or the baby, and since this baby WILL be coming very soon regardless, you may as well chill.
Wait and see how OH reacts when that time comes in a few days. He may meet all your 'father' standards then, and you'll have been worried for nothing on that account.
Obviously if he doesn't get his act together, or your feelings towards him then don't change, (and your happiness DOES matter just as much as the baby- never feel guilty if this just isn't working) I think you do have a lot to think about. But in the mean time I'd just kick back a bit, and have fun getting ready for what will probably be the most exciting event of our life so far!
I KNOW it's bloody hard work when you feel like you're doing the whole preparation thing on your own, and you DO feel like it should be something not only that they help with, but that they WANT to be part of. I feel very similar. From trying to find names, to writing lists of things we'll need, to working out models of different things are suitable etc. it's mainly me that's doing it all in our house too.
I know you're concerned with more than the normal 'head in sand' thing that a lot of blokes do with a baby on the way but I think it's best not to add this to the list of problems. Especially as I do think it's a little bit understandable that blokes do do this. Nesting isn't a cliche for nothing- it's a biological urge. Blokes just don't have it. Also, they obviously don't feel the little critter growing day-by-day.
I'm 32 weeks on Tuesday and my fella too is doing a very good ostrich impression atm! I have a friend who offered me a brilliant piece of parenting advice, which I think I'm going to try and apply to ALL my relationships from now on- 'Pick your battles'. With my OH I've thought about what it is I REALLY want/need him to be involved with/excited about. For me, it's the name thing, being a damned good birthing partner, and from a practical point of view, we need to shop for buggies together. So, I've ignored everything else. I'm happy to deal with the rest in fact. He's now working on the names thing. We're off to look at buggies today. And knowing I'm only relying on myself to come up with the goods on everything else stops me sending silent daggers at him for not doing other stuff! :0)
I also think, in order to relax, it's important to work out what's actually NECESSARY to be done. Will the world end if the light fitting isn't done tomorrow, and you go and spend some time together instead?
The thing is, I KNOW for him, he needs to see the baby before he gets fully involved, and I'm ok with that. I fully trust he'll rise to the occasion, and that's when things like the light fittings might be attended to!
I know you've been having problems for a long while and it's particularly horrid that you've been so unhappy during what should be such a special time. But since you HAVE made it this far with him, I reckon the best thing now, is to just try and relax.
I think this part of pregnancy is hard enough without trying to resolve EVERYTHING in the last couple of weeks.
The extra worrying isn't good for you or the baby, and since this baby WILL be coming very soon regardless, you may as well chill.
Wait and see how OH reacts when that time comes in a few days. He may meet all your 'father' standards then, and you'll have been worried for nothing on that account.
Obviously if he doesn't get his act together, or your feelings towards him then don't change, (and your happiness DOES matter just as much as the baby- never feel guilty if this just isn't working) I think you do have a lot to think about. But in the mean time I'd just kick back a bit, and have fun getting ready for what will probably be the most exciting event of our life so far!
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Replies
this is SO unfair on you AGAIN! I mean Harry potter has been out a week he could have gone after work through the week with his nephew
Does he think that he can just change for a couple of days and then you'll forget about it and he can go back to being awful?
I know that men sometimes dont step up until the baby is here but thats no excuse for the way he is treating YOU without even factoring the baby into it. The things your asking him to do is stuff you cant do like going in the loft etc...but you could prioritise or possibly ask your wonderful dad for a bit more help AGAIN i know it isnt his place at all but if it helps you im sure he wont mind. YOU need to feel like its all done (and you certainly seem to be getting there now
ATM he seems to think he has the upper hand and that you NEED him and you certainly DO NOT need him hun you can do this on your own your proving that
I do think men generally do not get this sense of urgency that we do. Yes, it's not the end of teh world if a light switch doesn't get done BUT i'm sorry when you're nesting it damn well does! DIS ladies trust me when that nesting kicks in it really kicks in and i've been having major wobblers at my hubby for his very relaxed and leisurely pace of decorating.
The mw telling him the baby could arrive at anytime, me having a seies of hideous braxton hicks in B+Q and me telling him about the august babies being born already has given him a much needed kick up the arse!
Your hubby is a little different as throughout your pregnancy he hasn't done a great deal and like you say he coudl have included himself a whole lot more than he has. I don't agree that men are the outsiders in pregnancy, I think it's a cop out for excluding himself from it.
The positives are that he seems to be a really good uncle and hopefully this means he'll also be a good daddy. It's just sad that he's not that nuturing of you. Was he like this before you got pregnant? Maybe he'll surprise you and has been planning a nice treat for you tomorrow.
Your Mum and Dad sound really lovely and it's so good you have their support. Will your Mum be there when you give birth?xxx
i want to give you and big bump a massive hug!
I hope you have a lovely first year anniversary today x x x
you really deserve it. . Your Hubby needs to make you happy you are carrying his child!. . Anyway have wonderful day whatever you do x x speak soon alfie. . Booey x