G/c , I think the three of you need to sit down and discuss what was said. She needs to be told in front of her son what she said was hurtful. Oh needs to stand up for you aswell and tell his mum these comments and behaviour won't be accepted. If she agrees to turn over a new leaf and this is the first time you have had these problems then you should give her a chance to reform. It will be hard but for the sake of your relationship with oh and you lo with gm you should try. Then if it fails you have done your best. Never a pleasant situation to be in. Good luck x x
I have always found that with people who I do not like but can not avoid that you need to be clever and play the game in order to get what you want. You have said that she is confrontational. However,is is very difficult to argue with someone who is always polite and sweet. For example, in your situation I would smile sweetly at the mother in law, and thank her for her kind offer (of staying at your place) but tell her that actually you would prefer to have bonding time with your boyfriend and new baby and will be limiting visitors in the first few weeks. Then tell her that you will not hesitate to call her if you need some help. She doesnt need to know that you will never call her and neither does your boyfriend! Get your boyfriend on side too. Tell him that you have thought about his mums offer and it is a kind thing for her to do, you are so glad that she has realised that your child is a blessing, but you really want some bonding time as family in the first few weeks - its what all of the baby books recommend. Tell him you would rather have her on standby instead, to call upon if needed rather than stay with you. Try not to bring up the horrible things she said about your pregnancy because that will just cause arguments. That way if she kicks off you can stand firm and hopefully your bf will back you up. If you make the effort to be civil to her then you will always be the innocent party when she kicks off. It is much easier to get your way with a smile than with an argument. Your boyfriend is always going to defend his mum, because she is his mum, so you need to be clever. The super sickly sweet approach is brilliant, because no one can argue with someone who is being so nice, even if they are completely refusing to do what they want! Good luck xxx
Omg she sounds like a nightmare. What horrible things to say to you and ffs, even if bubs wasn't planned it takes 2 to tango! If you can do it without upsetting your bf I would definitely tell her, politely but firmly, that you want it to just be you, your bf and the baby after the birth and that you don't want a house guest.
She can't have it both ways and be slating you one minute and moving in and taking over the next. Jeeesh!
I agree with the advice on here, even though its hard BE NICE!
Its the smarter and best thing to do, we all know if we dislike someone if they are nice to us it drives us nuts! lol
Be nice to her and maybe give her another try, if she acts lie that again your partner will see you gave her a chance and that she blew it. However if you dont your partner may see that you stopped the relationship moving forward etc. Best to give her a try, if you cant do that at least pretend to and smile sweetly!
G/C Apologies but I have had several friends with similar issues.
I respectfully disagree with previous posters, this is just my opinion so feel free to take it or leave it.
You have two problems here as I see it, but the main one is your BF. Yes your MIL is a total pain in the ass but your BF should be protecting you and respecting your opinions.
It's no wonder you are upset and annoyed with her about what she said about you to your BF and other people. Have you asked your BF how he would feel if your mother made similar comments about him to you and to others?
Just because she is his mother doesn't mean she gets a 'special pass' to treat you badly and get away with it. Surely he should be angry with her about her comments, not you for being upset about them.
As for taking two weeks around your EDD. You need to nip this in the bud asap. Tell her she isn't welcome, you need time to bond with your baby and as a family, and if turns up don't open the door. Tell your BF that you don't want her around and your needs trump his - you've just given birth!!!
As for if she makes comments in the future about your parenting - do not accept it. Who is she to criticise? She's had her kids, it's your turn now. Plus I am sure a lot has changed in that time. If she says anything say, 'well this is my child, so it's my rules', or 'I have it covered', don't take this lying down. But your BF should be supporting you on this too.
Frankly if someone said the things she has said about you, about me they would not be seeing me or my child until I had had a full and unreserved apology. And even then I wouldn't have her around after the birth.
I know other posters have suggested be nice and see what she does. That is one tactic but you are potentially just giving her another opportunity to get away with being a cow to you. Clearly she has done it more than once and there have been no consequences for her - your BF won't tell her to stop it. I am not trying to scare you but I don't want you to set yourself up for a life of misery because your BF won't stand up to his mother. He's a grown man with a baby on the way, he should be supporting his family - YOU AND YOUR BABY not his mother.
I really hope you get this resolved and that your BF and MIL are supportive and positive towards you.
I agree too - By politely but firmly telling her to leave you alone round EDD and beyond I meant exactly that. No point being rude or unnecessarily confrontational but do not let her dictate when she is seeing you or your baby.
At least your BF isn't taking her side over yours too, even if he's not actually standing up to her either.
I have issues with standing up to my own mum as she can be very negative about me and my DH tells me to tell it to her straight but I do find that hard so I try to let her comments roll off me knowing that the person who's opinion counts most is DH. Maybe your BF is the same and that whilst he isn't standing up to his mum directly, he is trying to support you by not agreeing with her tactics?
Let us know how it goes, remember you and baby are the most important people in all this right now.
Upon reading further feedback since I posted I kinda agree with them now! Lol
I have a fab MIL so I'm lucky but my ex Mother was evil to me, my partner at the time was a little wussy about doing anything, but when he saw it once really bad he stood up to her an it was better but I never liked her and if someone told me to be nice to her I'd of struggled and been maddened by their advice (I would have seen it as people okay-ing what she said to me).
I was trying to be diplomatic before and if you can sort it with your MIL do, failing that get your partner to tell her no regarding time with you all when baby is born etc.
Even with close in-laws I wouldn't want two weeks at the start with them, I want me and hubby to bond etc first so getting him to tell her this is reasonable.
Lol not sure I'm helping now.
All the best but don't worry about it, your family is what matters!
Replies
She can't have it both ways and be slating you one minute and moving in and taking over the next. Jeeesh!
Its the smarter and best thing to do, we all know if we dislike someone if they are nice to us it drives us nuts! lol
Be nice to her and maybe give her another try, if she acts lie that again your partner will see you gave her a chance and that she blew it. However if you dont your partner may see that you stopped the relationship moving forward etc. Best to give her a try, if you cant do that at least pretend to and smile sweetly!
xxx
I respectfully disagree with previous posters, this is just my opinion so feel free to take it or leave it.
You have two problems here as I see it, but the main one is your BF. Yes your MIL is a total pain in the ass but your BF should be protecting you and respecting your opinions.
It's no wonder you are upset and annoyed with her about what she said about you to your BF and other people. Have you asked your BF how he would feel if your mother made similar comments about him to you and to others?
Just because she is his mother doesn't mean she gets a 'special pass' to treat you badly and get away with it. Surely he should be angry with her about her comments, not you for being upset about them.
As for taking two weeks around your EDD. You need to nip this in the bud asap. Tell her she isn't welcome, you need time to bond with your baby and as a family, and if turns up don't open the door. Tell your BF that you don't want her around and your needs trump his - you've just given birth!!!
As for if she makes comments in the future about your parenting - do not accept it. Who is she to criticise? She's had her kids, it's your turn now. Plus I am sure a lot has changed in that time. If she says anything say, 'well this is my child, so it's my rules', or 'I have it covered', don't take this lying down. But your BF should be supporting you on this too.
Frankly if someone said the things she has said about you, about me they would not be seeing me or my child until I had had a full and unreserved apology. And even then I wouldn't have her around after the birth.
I know other posters have suggested be nice and see what she does. That is one tactic but you are potentially just giving her another opportunity to get away with being a cow to you. Clearly she has done it more than once and there have been no consequences for her - your BF won't tell her to stop it. I am not trying to scare you but I don't want you to set yourself up for a life of misery because your BF won't stand up to his mother. He's a grown man with a baby on the way, he should be supporting his family - YOU AND YOUR BABY not his mother.
I really hope you get this resolved and that your BF and MIL are supportive and positive towards you.
Lots of love,
PP XXX
At least your BF isn't taking her side over yours too, even if he's not actually standing up to her either.
I have issues with standing up to my own mum as she can be very negative about me and my DH tells me to tell it to her straight but I do find that hard so I try to let her comments roll off me knowing that the person who's opinion counts most is DH. Maybe your BF is the same and that whilst he isn't standing up to his mum directly, he is trying to support you by not agreeing with her tactics?
Families eh?!
Sounds like your FIL and step MIL are nice anyway
Upon reading further feedback since I posted I kinda agree with them now! Lol
I have a fab MIL so I'm lucky but my ex Mother was evil to me, my partner at the time was a little wussy about doing anything, but when he saw it once really bad he stood up to her an it was better but I never liked her and if someone told me to be nice to her I'd of struggled and been maddened by their advice (I would have seen it as people okay-ing what she said to me).
I was trying to be diplomatic before and if you can sort it with your MIL do, failing that get your partner to tell her no regarding time with you all when baby is born etc.
Even with close in-laws I wouldn't want two weeks at the start with them, I want me and hubby to bond etc first so getting him to tell her this is reasonable.
Lol not sure I'm helping now.
All the best but don't worry about it, your family is what matters!
Xxx