🚨 Advance warning 🚨 This forum will be closing on 1st May – please see our pinned thread for more information.
feeling a bit guilty
i always feel quite sad at christmas because none of my family talk to me i always say im the white sheep of a family of black sheep. anyway i havnt spoken to my mum for years i walked out of home when i was ten and never went back. when i fell pregnant with Sam i vowed that my mum would not have anything to do with him and to this day she does not know that he exists. but now im feeling a bit guilty about not telling her. my oh just has his mum and dad so i really feel that Sam is missing out. i really dont know what to do as my mum is not a nice person but on the other hand she is his grandmother. my Dad knows about Sam but couldnt be bothered with him. Families eh
0
Replies
but also....think about the shoe being on your foot...how would you feel in 25years if you found out Sam had a child which you iddnt know about, regardless of the reasons?
like i say i dont know the situation so it is up to you but me personally i would tell her.
How do you think she would react....do you think she would be happy?? i guess you have to weigh all the pros and cons up.
If she was to react in the same way as you dad then is it something you want to go through...
a big decision i guess.
xxx
Please don't feel guilty about Sam missing out. He has two parents that think the world of him & you are more important to him than having grandparents around. You obviously have your reasons for protecting him from your parents perhaps for fear of rejection. On the other hand, i'm inclined to say tell her whilst he is still young and will therefore not feel the hurt of rejection if this is how she reacts. You would be the bigger person for putting the ball in her court. If she doesn't want to know at least you tried but on the other hand Sam could be the basis for rebuilding your relationship. Perhaps it has been so long that she doesn't have the courage to contact you again but as i've already said you must have had a very good reason to walk away from her.
It's a hard one and i'm sorry if i've rambled on and not been very helpful!
Whatever you decide to do will be in the best interests of your son & you can't do more than that.
Thinking of you and hoping you find what you're looking for xx
Not much I can add to them really.
My heart goes out to you though. My mum died just ovr 8 years ago so never met my last 3. It breaks my heart! I dont feel that they are missing out as you cant miss what you never had. However, I do know how much Lauren and Chris adored my mum and I feel sad that they wont have this.
I think as the others suggested, put the ball in her court. You could call her, invite her down, introduce Sam to her and then see how she react. maybe not till the New Year though?? Dont want things to go wrong and it to ruin your first Xmas together.
I must say though, you must be an amazing woman. To have come through what you have and still have so much love to give to your little man. You and your OH can be all he needs! So long a they are loved by those in their lives..no matter how few of you they are...its better than having loads of people in their lives who dont really care !
Not sure that made sense but hopefully you got the gist! Lastly, dont feel guilty..you have done nothing wrong.
d xxx
its definately a tough one and so hard to know whats right. Sam has lots of "aunties" and my ohs parents who adore him.
thank you all again.
d xxx
BUT i def agree with Dee....wait until after xmas...your first xmas is special and i personally wouldnt run the risk of upsetting it. Hold back until the new year. Like you say you have plenty of people around to make it a specail time anyway.
hugs xx
I also agree with Dee. You must be a really amazing woman to have had such a rough time & still be able to maintain a loving relationship with both your husband and your son and still at such a young age (am i right in thinking you're about the same age as me, 24?) So many people would have used that as an excuse to go off the rails so firstly well done!
If you do decide to make contact would it help to have some counselling first? Perhaps you've already explored this route and i don't for one minute think that you need counselling but i wonder if you did make contact again it could drag up some issues from your past? Perhaps you could have some family counselling aswell? God i sound like the Trisha show now but that kind of support network is the kind of thing i mean. It sounds like you could be opening a can of worms if you go ahead and the last thing you want is for her to undo all the good work you've done on your own.
I also agree with Lynne. I think you need to follow your heart on this one.
Now i'm babbling again. As i say i'm kind of sticking on the fence. Sorry - not much help
thank you ladies for replying it has really helped.
Can I just say, you are such a together and well-rounded person. How the hell did that happen after having such an awful time of it when you were a kid? You should be so proud of yourself and your beautiful son.
I'm not sure about getting in touch. You are bound to feel sad that your own immediate family won't be there to share Christmas with you, but I think it will open a huge can of worms emotionally for you and dredge up lots of old and awful feelings that you have probably managed to bury.
Abuse of children is unacceptable at any level, but was there a reason for her being the way she was? Did she have a mental illness which might have improved now or be controlled with drugs? My gut feeling is that she won't have changed very much but you would probably have a sense of this better than anyone.
I really don't know what to advise. I suppose if you do try to contact her (I think NY would be better than before Christmas) you will have at least tried, even if it does go pear shaped.
Big, big hugs,
Jo x
i ended up in foster care when i was 14 and it was the best thing that could have happened to me my foster parents were and are ace. i have asked them if they would consider themselves Sams grandparents so at least he will have them. the only thing is i live about 200 miles away from them now. we are hopefully all going down to see them at christmas which will be lovely
Good Luck with it and hope you get a nice suprise and that your mum has mellowed with time
d xxx
Good Luck with it and hope you get a nice suprise and that your mum has mellowed with time
d xxx