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one hell of a morning

I had a hell of a morning getting kids ready. Erin wanted conflakes then refused to eat them cos she wanted cheerios. Then finally everyone washed dressed ready to go to stay and play to get Fearne weighed and Erin pooed her pants 3rd day ion a row. so had to change her and I keep making it obvious how annoyed i am with her which makes me feel so giulty.

Got to stay and play it was packed, when Fearne was weighed she has only put in 3 oz !! Despite feeding every hour for last few days and topping up with formula, starting to think its my fault my milk is rubbish or i'm not spending enough time getting her to fed properly cos there is always something to do. Anyway when they told me her weight I just burst in tears in front of everyone, I feel like a complete failure as a mum. Now HV wants to visit me at home and keep an eye on me, I have not stopped crying since i left there, to make matters worse when i went to leave Erin had a huge tantrum which made me cry even more. I cannot believe what I must have looked like to all those people.

I really dont think i am cut out to be a good mum, i just keep getting so stressed. All the things Erin was good at she isn't anymore she doesn't go to bed easliy she doesn't nap, she bosses everyone around, she doesn't listen to anyone and I feel like I have failed to bring up a lovely little girl I feel like she is turing into a spoily brat. I just feel like such a bad mother right now. It can't help Erin seeing me this upset either. On top of all my worries with Erin Fearne obviously isn't feeding well, but i so wanted to bf for 6 months I really don't want to quit.

Sorry just didn't know what else to do, I phoned Paul when i got in, he basically said calm down and told me I have to be able to deal with the 2 of them but the thing is I just don't think i can i have never felt this stressed, and at work i'm in charge of 28 patients so thats saying something !!!!



  • Thanks Lara, The real issues I think are with Erin and i'm so worried if her her behaviour slides to far out of my control that she will become unmanagable so your words are very reassuring. My mum rang to tell me my Auntie died and I just absolutely fell apart don't think my mum knew what to say because my Aunt is in her late 80's and has been dying for nearly 2 years so don't think she expected that reaction but it was just another thing. I now feel absolutely shatter from all the crying!!! What I would do for a good nights sleep right now.

    I think your right about Paul he is being less and less sympathetic like he is fed up with it all, I really want to know how he wold cope having to take both kids out on his own for a certain time, he would get very hevtic i'm sure. Anyway mum has a meeting and then she is coming round for a cuppa with me, so this should make me feel better. I hope i wake tomorrow thinking what was that all about yesterday!!

    Thanks again it really helps to get it all out on here x x
  • First up, big hugs~you are not a crap mummy. It's not always something that comes naturally and most of us have to work bloody hard at it! Are your girls loved, fed and secure? Yep. Then you're a great mummy! I completely second what Lara says, sounds to me like Erin's just pushing boundaries and seeing what she can get away with now that Fearne's in the picture. J was much the same when E was born~there's just under 3 years between them. Really sorry to hear about your Auntie too. Still hard even when it's expected.

    Quick solutions to some of the issues you've mentioned~put 2 packets of cereals on the table/worktop and a small jug of milk then give Erin a dish, a spoon and let her choose and pour her own. Slightly more work admittedly but saves paddys and lets her be more independent.

    Praise ANY good behaviour, as often and over the top as you can. Smile til your face aches and tell her how happy it makes you when she listens/does as you ask/helps with Fearne or waits quietly. Remember that getting down to her level helps it mean more to her.

    If she poos in her pants, try not to get angry and, without talking to her, take her to the bathroom, strip her off, sit her on the toilet and remind her that's where big girls poo. I know it's hard cos I get really narky with E if she does it but it sounds like she's doing it for attention (littlies can't differentiate between positive/negative attention, it's all the same and negative is a damn sight easier to get!!)

    Try a reward chart (ELC do a great one) with special treat at the end of a day when she's got X number of stickers.

    Use shameless bribery and distraction when you're out and about and sense she's about to kick off~works for me :lol: I gave E a clean pair of her knickers and a straw to play with in the trolley at Asda this morning~she pretended to be a deep sea diver (too much Diego!!)with the knickers on her head and the straw in her mouth. She might've looked a bit daft but we had a peaceful shopping trip!!

    Finally I think you need to talk to your hubby about being more supportive. Does he ever have the girls on his own? If Fearne will take some formula/ebm then I'd be sorely tempted to arrange a long hair appointment/manicure/beauty treatment one weekend and bugger off out one lunchtime and not come back til they're in bed and he's cooked you a meal!

    Chin up honey, it does get easier.

  • I can picture the scene as I think most of us have been there some time or other. I fell apart when I had Christopher and found the transition from one to two so hard. I had my HV visit for a long time. The first time she called she found Andrew asleep on the sofa with Chris on his chest. She practically hit him and told him to get up and help me more. He got up and fainted (he was just out of hosp after a week of chemeo) and she nearly died on the spot. Looking back it was so funny, the look on her face when he came round and she saw no hair, no eyebrows and a very sick young man! Good for her tho as had he not been ill she was going to give it both barrels.

    Anyway, back to you!!! You are a great Mum. The fact you are even thinking about it proves that.

    Lara and YCB have given some great advice. As for BF, yes I know its a fab thing to do but is it worth getting so upset about? I did not BF Lauren and Chris and my bond is still just as strong with them. Don't beat yourself up. You gave it a go and its not proving to be the best thing for you both. I would not worry too much about Fearnes weight gain as BF babies are slow to gain and Erin is small too isnt she? Someone on here once gave some good advice and that is to never give up BF on a bad day. We all have bad days (you should hear me shout at my kids) and sometimes it all gets to much. That is perfectly normal. Its not normal tho if bad days outweigh the good. Do you think you are suffering some PND??? If so, discuss it with your HV and dont be afraid to take some anti d's. You can take them while still BF!

    Your OH needs to support you that is for sure. It is hard for them to see us change into a busy mum but that is tough. They have to man up and help out more. Can you express and let him take care of Fearne overnight? Even one good night makes all the difference? Talk to him about how it mkes you feel when he does not understand or support you!

    As for Erin well she has just had one of the biggest changes that she has come across in her little life. Its one of the nicest changes but its still a biggie. She has to share you with someone smaller and more needy. She probably pooed her pants to act like a baby and get some attention. I am not saying your not giving her any but I am sure you cant give her the attention she was getting before Fearnes arrival. She is going through a phase ( i know, i hate that excuse too but its true) and it will pass. She does not want to go to bed as why should she when the baby is still up? You just need to keep at it and keep putting her back to bed,no talking, no shouting, just pick her up and put her to bed. It could take a few nights and 1000 putting back to beds but the message will hit home. Tell her how much you love her, how proud you are when she goes on the tiolet etc... I have said this before to you and I will say it again. If its not working then go back to nappies for a few weeks. Why make things hard for yourself? She is not yet 3 so dont feel the need to get her in pants just because others are! She will do it right when she is ready.

    Lastly,,,, big hugs... take care of yourself xxxxxx
  • hi hun, big hugs, you are a brilliant mummy and dont forget that. we all have times when the kids are just driving you mad and you feel like just packing it all in and going to live by your self on a remote island somewhere!!!!

    Firstly try not to get stressed about fearnes weight gaining is gaining and babies come in all shapes and sizes so as long as she is healthy then i wouldnt be too concerned she is just destined to be dainty. I know that you wnat to carry on with bf and i agree if you are not happy about making the descion to stop then it may make you feel worse. You could try though doing 50/50 bf and ff. that way you she will be getting the benifits of bf and weight gain advantage of ff. just an idea if you are worried. if you did one feed bf and one feed ff the hubby could do the night feeds at least once a week to give you a break. Or ask if her could take them out for a few hours at the weekend so you can have some me time. a little bit of time spent on your self goes a long way.

    As for erins behavior it does come as a shock to them when there is a new arrival especially in the first few months as they take up so much time. the others have given you some fab advice. i would go with really prasing the good behavior but being very strict on the bad with time out for any unaceptable behavior. also tryt o spend some one to one time with her get hubby or your mum to have fearne and take her swimming or to the park just you and her and really make a fuss of her.

    Juts remember that this stage is hard but i doesnt last for ever. Give it a few more months and things will be so much easier. and another year and erin will have a play mate and you can get back to being you a bit more.

  • thanks everyone. Yesterday had a big black cloud over it!! dunno why because i do realise how lucky i am it was a stress overload and I dont think it helped that I restareted the pill recently and I think its gone a bit crazy with my hormones etc, i'm going to stop it Its has never agreed with me but thought i'd try the mini pill as never had that one before. I have the HV coming round on tuesday for a chat about pnd etc I dont think i have it, i think I have difficulty handling stress I just seem to get really annoyed or breakdown I need to find a way to chill out a bit. When I read what you went through Dee with Andrew and everything I really have nothing like the stress you were facing i really need to get a grip.

    I think once Erin starts school next week (the last thing of her huge changes in her lil life). Hopefully things will then start to become into a bit more of a routine. I mean Erin has had to deal with such alot with me having fearne and due to the section wasn't very playful with her and couldn't go out for such a long time. Then christmas came and that I think overwhelmed her and got her out of routine, oh and the dummy fairy's came in november, she knows she is starting school next week which must be a worry for her (well i know i'm worried anyway). And today I have tried to be in a better mood and she has been an angel, so i think my mood reflects in hers or vice verser. She really isn't the demon kid i was thinking she was yesterday. Me and Paul also had a huge heart to heart last night both opened up a lot and I think I have been unreasonable at times and he has accepted he has too, so thats a good step for us. And we ended up going to bed image iykwim!? for first time since having fearne imageimage

    So hopefully days like yesterday are few and far between oh and i am going to call bf advisor tomorrow to hopefully alleviate all my concerns about Fearnes feeding and if not I'm going to stop feeding once i reach 3 months.

    Thanks again, I do realise I often don't come on here for a while and I don't always post on everything and then come on when I have problems, but i find this site great for getting it all out and makes me feel better (like therapy!), even though my fam and pauls fam know I use it i'm hoping they don't read what i write!? Just wanted to say a huge thanks for always giving me advice when i'm not very good at giving it !!

    thank you from the bottom of my heart x x x
  • You do give good advice. You gave me great advice and so did your OH when I was worried about smiley face girl..ha ha !! ( seems silly now that I was worried)

    I did not tell you about Andrew to make you feel like you are worrying over nothing. I don't want you to feel like I had it harder etc.. we all deal with things in different ways and how we feel/react cant be helped. I HAD to get on with it with Andrew. I had no choice. He needed me more than I needed him if that makes sense.

    You hit a chord with the stress comment. I dont handle stress well at all. I get all shouty and panicky. If my life is going well, kids behaving, nothing going tits up etc.. I am fine. If however the house is a mess, kids messing around, paperwork to deal with, shopping to do etc. then I get out of control and start to melt down. Andrew knows me well enough now and does try to help me cope with the flare ups.

    Tom we are having about 22 people round for a BBQ. I am already stressing that the house needs cleaning, outside needs hosing down, kids toys moving so that 1000 peices of lego are not all over the house etc.. I feel like I take the fun out of things because I panic and moan. Same if we are out for the day. I spend the day running after the kids and seeing danger in everything. Andrew is so layed back that he will sit down and have a beer while I am like manic mad woman screaming and shouting that the kids are in danger et... I must look like a fish wife at times. LOL... I am trying to find ways to de stress but it is hard if that is the way you are made. I try to count to ten and then blow out and pretend I am blowing away all the stress. Sometimes if you take a step back the situation is not as bad as you first thing. Last night we were at a park and Amelia climbed to the top of this high slide. I was on the loo and Andrew was on his blackberry as usual. I came out and started shouting at Amelia to get down, shouted at Andrew for not watching her. Then I remembered to calm down and sure enough Amelia came down the slide OK and no one was killed. I still had a go at Andrew and said she could have hurt herself. His reply was 'but she didnt' aghhhhhhhhhhhhh drives me nuts!

    Anyway, just wanted you to know your not alone.

    I think your thoughts on BF are good ones. I think if you stopped now you would regret it. Three months is a good age to get her to. The weight gain worry is just nothing to give a 2nd thought to. My Dr over here had a different weight gain chart for BF babies. On that Amelia was doing really well. On the 'normal' chart she was in the minus centile at time! grrrr

    The mini pill is much better than the pill itself. You just have to be careful you take it every day and that you use contraception if you have been ill, on antibiotics etc..

    d xxxx
  • really glad to hear that you are feel better nad well done for talking it out with hubby and comming up with a plan with rehards to bf.

    Just a quick question are you on the normal pill? and did fearnes weight gain issues start at about the same time as you went back on it?

    Its only that i thought and was told by my doctor that you couldnt take the combined pill when bf as it reduces your milk supply. i was on the mini pill after i had freya as that is fine to take. just a thought.

  • Thanks again for replies, i am on the mini pill, but i stopped it I don't think it was helping at all. I think i need some coping stragies when it comes to stress, I think the best thing is I really what I need to do if that makes sense. Dee I'm the same that when everything goes well i'm fine but lots of small things can tip me over the edge !! But i'm having good days atm may they last. I'm very nervous about Erin starting preschool but i know she'll love it.

    Thanks x x x
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