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Feeling blue.

Hi ladies

Well, I don't know why, but for the last couple of weeks, I've been very tearful!

As you probably all know by now, I had an awful pregnancy, spending weeks on end in hospital with my liver starting to fail due to severe hyperemesis. I just couldn't wait for my pregnancy to be over, it was truly awful, spending 38 weeks of my life being horrendously sick 30 or 40 times a day. I wanted Daisy so much and never had a day through this when I wasn't 100% sure that I did the right thing by keeping hold of her, no matter how difficult it was.

Daisy is a complete angel - she sleeps, eats (apart from today!), is happy and content, smiles and giggles at everyone, is very aware but also not too bad at getting overstimulated. Everyone stops me to talk about her, because she's such a beauty and she absolutely loves it! I feel like she is the best thing that ever happened to me, despite all the horror before and of course, the emergency c-section!

One of my big problems is that I know I will never be able to do it again - my consultant has advised against another baby on a physical level and I couldn't spend all that time in hospital again, missing out on Daisy's life.

Now I find that instead of being excited about Daisy's development, I just feel sad that she's growing up so quickly and that I'll never have those moments again with her. I spend lots of my evenings getting upset and looking at the pictures of her when she was tiny. I check on her all the time to check she's still alive - convinced that's she not! I give myself a very hard time that I couldn't breastfeed - I often feel as if I didn't give it a good enough try - I just felt at the time that we'd been through so much to get her here and I couldn't fight any longer! Now I've got friends having babies and they are all managing to breastfeed and I can't even bring myself to see them or talk to them about feeding!

Anyway, no reason for anyone to respond, just think I needed to write some of it down. I was hoping it would help, but it's just made me cry even more!!

C xxx

Replies

  • You are not the only one. Its a very difficult time when they move from being a newborn to a baby and they no longer seem such a dream in that they have been around long enough for it to be 'reality' if that makes sense. And i think sometimes we miss the excitment of the 'new baby' and want that time back when we were all so excited to meet our babies and bond with them. I felt the same with my daughter and now i have owen i know exactly how you feel because i know he is my last and cannot believe how time has flown.
    BUT....as i have a 3 year old i can tell you that things get more and more exciting and funny and amazing as they get older and you have even more lovely times to look forward to with your little girl. These feelings will pass in time im sure. It feels like we cant take it all in enough when they are born because every second is precious. But that wont change and by the time they are older you will feel better about it and have comes to terms with the fact that we are raising babies to adults - and you will be sooo happy you did it!
    I think you will have lots of replies soon....and everyone will be feeling the same. Take care and your blue mood will soon pass xxx
  • hi, I think its normal for us to be feeling a little sad that our babies are growing and changing and very soon will not be our tiny little babies anymore. however if u've been feeling continuosly low for a while it maybe worth having a chat with ur gp or hv. personally I am suffering from pnd and anxiety is a symptom along with feelings of guilt, failure and shutting urself away. i'm not saying u have pnd but ur not happy and after such a tough pregnancy and traumatic birth u might benefit from talking to someone. I also have horrible memories from my bir h and am attending a 'birth after thoughts' session next week as I feel addressing some of the issues I have surroubding the birth may help Me to move on and get better. ask ur hv or gp about this if u think it cld help u. and do not feel bad about not breastfeeding, u've made the Best decision for u and ur daughter, she's a beautiful ttle girl and obviously thriving, she is a credit to u and give urself a pat on the back. above all remember u ra fantastic mum and ur gorgeous and contented girl is proof of that. xxx
  • Thanks girls - you just made me cry again!

    xxxx
  • Firstly, big squeezy hug!!!
    MrsButtons - We're all the same!! Wishing for the next stage of our babies development and then really sad that they are not a baby anymore. Take everyday as it comes - Daisy has the rest of her life with you and she will change every single day of it. Keep taking the pictures, its good to look back (and cry!!)
    Just like you, I'm constantly checking on Amelia, if I can't hear her breathing, I feel her chest, I've even woken her to make sure she is still here - how crazy!!!
    Breast feeding - Don't get me started - I only bf for 6 weeks as I found it too tiring/draining and Amelia just wasn't settled. Yes all my friends still bf but Amelia wouldn't be the happy contented little thing she is if I had continued - I'm sure this would be the same for you and daisy - Don't beat yourself up, every one is different and you have to do what is right by your little angel. It sounds like you'd had such a hard time before she arrived so why not bottle feed to make your life easier now.
    You can't have anymore babies, but don't dwell on it, love and cherish Daisy and she is the most important thing you have!!!
    Keep enjoying your little girl
    xx
  • Thanks pumbacat - you made me cry too!

    I went to my Mum and Baby group this morning and cried there too! Think I need to get a grip - I mostly only feel like this when Daisy is asleep (which, lets face it, is most of the day with her!!!!!) - when I'm with her, I'm happy because she's so amazing!

    Just really hoping that the raincloud above my head soon shifts! Sure it will - I have a wonderful life and I am blessed to have such an amazing little angel...

    C xx
  • Aww you've made me cry..blooming hormones! I also had hyperemesis and still feel upset when I think of my pregnancy. And it sounds like you had it much worse than me. It really is a traumatic thing to go through and no matter how much you obviously love your angel, it will take time time to get over. Talking about it will help too.

    As for being sad that she is growing up to quickly I completely agree with em. My son is 23 months and I don't think there's a day goes by that I don't marvel at the new things he is doing. OH & I also spend far too long in the evenings talking about how amazing he is. That's despite the 'terrible two's' phase we're going through! So try not to be sad about her growing up..there's so much more to look forward to.

    Hope the raincloud lifts soon.xx
  • Thanks missymoo...

    It is really difficult and I didn't think that it would have affected me in this way. I have decided that I'm just going to try to thank my lucky stars that I have Daisy-Mae and make the most of her every day!!!

    She's an amazing, happy, contented little thing and I am officially the luckiest Mummy in the world!

    C xxxxx
  • Sounds like your feeling a bit better now hun, Im not very good with advice to help with feeling blue as I tend to dwell on things too much, I do find that talking about it with someone helps to get things straight in your mind even if you dont really feel like it! I find once I start loads of worries come flooding out and I feel much better afterwards!
    Your definately right on making the most of our beautiful babies everyday no matter what!!!

    Just wanted to reply really, sorry if its a load rubbish and makes no sence at all!! lol

    xxx
  • Big hug. You are doing a fab job! Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. xx
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