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Had a complete mental breakdown this morning

Last night Thomas was a feeding demon but I just could not get him to latch properly!! He was getting frantic I was getting desperate & it all became too much. My nipples were oh so sore feeding him, I think that part of his problem was I would keep taking him off as he was hurting me so he wasn't getting a good solid feed. But I just can't get the latch. He'll take a good mouthful of breast but then pull back & end up with just the nipple in his mouth & by the time he's done it's sore & seriously mis-shapen!



I was sobbing, this is gonna sound awful but all I could think was how if I'd never had him I'd not be in constant pain & would be sleeping right now. Which just made me cry more as that made me feel like a terrible person.



I was feeding from 11pm - 12am then 1am-3am then 5am - 6am!! By the 5am feed I was in a real state, in serious pain, very sleep deprived & couldn't stop crying. I told hubby I couldn't bf anymore, that I can't be in pain anymore & I'm just getting too stressed about it.



So this morning he made me up a bunch of bottles & said he's happy for me to feed whatever way I feel comfortable with & he'll support me.



So 7:45am I gave Thomas a 3oz bottle which he downed & by 8:45am he's fussing for food again. I bf him for 10 mins & now he's asleep.



I'm seriously feeling confused, upset, stressed, & more emotions I can't even name. It's like in my heart I know I want to bf but 2 weeks later I'm still nursing serious sore nipples, I'm exhausted & am struggling so much I feel like I want to throw in the towel. I know if I did my nipples would heal, I can share feeding with hubby & catch a break but I can't get over the guilt & disappointment of quitting. Hence the confusion.



I have mw coming today but I know what theyll say, the whole breast is best line.



I don't know what to do for the best for Thomas & for my own sanity!! It's like during the day I'm more prepared to persevere with the bf but during the night I can't!!



Oh goodness what a load of crazy babble that sounds!!

Replies

  • Aw bless you hun! its so hard isnt it? i find the nights hardest too! def speak to mw but dont let her sway you. Do whats right for you and thomas. if you do decide thats bottle then thats fine! you have done so well already xxxx
  • g/c but i feel your pain! My dd was born in Feb and before she was born I just assumed that I would breastfeed. I was very lucky in that I never had much pain, and I was told we had the latch correct - if you haven't already, speak to a breastfeeding counseller - but she was a real grazer and seemed to want to feed little and often, she also liked to pop on and off so feeding in public was a little difficult. All this meant that I felt that I spent the entire day and most of the night feeding, I didn't have time to anything around the house, to go out, and was exhausted (wasn't helped that she didn't like to nap in the day either), and I still had quite a grizzly little bundle of joy!



    I know my complaints seem small compared to others who successfully breast feed, and were probably quite normal, but I wish someone had prepared me beforehand. Anyway, it was making me miserable and I was beginning to resent every feed. At about 8 weeks we started combine feeding with formula (I tried expressing, but it took so long, that it didn't really give me any respite), and dh gave her a bottle before we put her down for the night - for the first time I got more than 2 hrs sleep - bliss! We slowly introduced a couple more bottles, so she's now pretty much half and half. At 16 weeks we have a happy and contented little girl, who sleeps for a good 8hrs at night (if I've had a good nights sleep, I can cope with anything during the day) and is still getting some of bf goodness (I don't know if dropping below a certain number of feeds means you loose the benefit, but it's working for us).



    I guess what I'm trying to say, is don't feel bad, breastfeeding is really difficult and no one prepares you for it, especially as it's just you and baby that have to get through it. But you've give your son the best start in life and whatever you decide he will be happier with a mum who is happy rather than stressed out about feeding him. There are also alternatives, it does have to be all or nothing.



    I wish I could have continued exclusively breastfeeding, but it just didn't work for us and I felt a weight had lifted once the burden was taken from me completely and I feel I have my freedom back as well as my beautiful daughter.



    Good luck with whatever you decide



    Elf x
  • Lambchop don't you dare beat yourself up about this!! Bf is rediculously hard for something that is meant to be so natural. Daniel was poorly and couldn't latch properly - too tired - so I expressed for 3 weeks until my supply gave up. He is tall and strong for his age, and is absolutely thriving. Harry has struggled to latch on, and its only since I started expressing and giving fomula top ups that he's gotten the hang of latching on again! To the point I'm now thinking of trying to get him back to exclusive breastfeeding. But when he didn't do it right it bl**dy hurt and there was no way we could keep that up for long - expes with having another child to look after.



    If you decide to combine feed or exclusively formula feed, you know you have done your best to give him the best possible start, and 2 weeks on the breast is a lot more than many babies have so you should feel proud that you've given him that. Its always harder on a nighttime and you have every right to think it would be easier if you hadnt had him, every parent at some point will feel like that. Life WOULD be easier without having children, but we do it anyway - partly because we're daft and partly because we have huge amounts of love to give, and getting stressed out about bf'ing isn't something we think we'll have to deal with. My mw even told me that she would 100% support me if I moved to formula, and that any mw who didnt support a lady who was struggling with feeding wasn't doing right by the lady or the child, so if your mw doesn't support you just ignore her! You have to do what is right for you and both your children, and if that means combined or formula then its going to be better for you all than the stress and tiredness of attempting to bf when its not working.



    Big hugs hon, sorry for the long rant!! xxxxx
  • Oh hun your giving yourself such a hard time over this! I know how you feel, Freddy is also a bit of a deamon feeder and seems to feed almost constantly some days. Last night he fed on and off from 4:30pm til 9pm then woke again at 10:30pm. At the 10:30pm one I was in tears because he was sucking furiously on me and it was sore but I felt empty, I couldn't hear him swallowing so was convinced I had no milk left so Rob made up a bottle and offered it to him but Freddy was having none of it! His cry was more of a sob and it just broke my heart so I latched him back on and out flowed the milk! I think because I was so tired and stressed out my let down reflex wasn't working so I need to remember to relax with each feed. This morning he fed on and off from 7:30-9:30am then went to sleep then woke and fed again at 11:15am on and off until 12pm and he's now asleep. He doesn't seem to do solid feeds, just bobs on and off which makes feeding on the go a nightmare! I want to carry on more than anything so while I want to throw in the towel sometimes I know deep down I'm not ready to stop. Everything your feeling is totally normal hun.

    Speak to your midwife but you need to remember that it doesn't matter how you feed your baby, as long as he and you are happy thats all that matters. Stop beating yourself up. Also try to remember this wont last forever, at some point it will all fall into place and these sleep deprived days will be just a memory.

    xxx
  • Honey, please try and find an ibclc to come and help you, or the infant feeding coordinator at your hospital if there is one. It'll be the best money/time youve ever spent. You need to get him checked for tongue tie, and get your latch and positioning checked, too. I feel for you, ive been there x
  • Thanks girls, you always know how to make me feel better.



    Well mw didn't turn up, at 4:40pm I gave up & rang my community midwife (who was actually on her day off) & just burst into tears down the phone! She was sweet & came straight round.



    I couldn't help crying when spilling all my upset & concerns to her & she was very understanding & even offered to make me a cuppa. She helped me with my latch, said I've got the right idea I'm just not quite getting it right & patiently helped me latch him several times.



    She said once latched Thomas feeds very well & emptied both breasts in 20 mins so has advised I give formula top ups after the feeds if he doesn't settle. She thinks he was so unsettled last night as he wasn't getting the right latch so not getting a good feed & he's a hungry baby anyway so needs a good feed.



    On the plus side he's now just surpassed his body weight so even with my feeding issues he must be getting enough so have put on weight.



    She was very supportive, has arranged for a bf councillor to come round tomorrow and said I can have someone daily if I want. She was horrified though when I told her how after my fil heard about Thomas not being back to birth weight on Saturday he spoke to my hubby while I was napping & told him to give Thomas bottles in secret behind my back & even to crush rusk up in it image thank goodness my fil is back in Scotland (the story of his visit this weekend could fill a whole other post).



    So overall I'm still feeling concerned about mastering the bf but feel I need to give it another good try, I think I'll regret it if I give up without feeling in my heart that I gave it my absolute best try. Maybe try another 2 weeks & see how we go.
  • I'm really glad that your mw has helped so much hon and hope the bf councillor helps as well. I can't believe your fil said that to your hubby!! I've been told to put a wee drop of whiskey into Harry's ebm bottle to help him settle through the night by a friends mum - shocked the hell out of me!!



    The fact he's put on weight is fab news though, you're doing something right even if he isnt latching properly all the time. I've just started trying to get Harry back on the boob full time and wish I had the support of my mw (already discharged) so I'm really pleased that you've got her help and support for the formula top ups.



    Put please dont put too much pressure on yourself; if bf still doesnt get any easier for you, then there is nothing wrong with him being on formula - or you could always express his feeds so you know he's getting your milk. Good luck with it all hon xxx
  • Thanks Garfield.



    Well last night I did as instructed, fed downstairs & topped off with formula & he slept from 10:30pm to 4am so it obviously worked. For the night feed I came downstairs, watched telly & tried to be patient with the latch. Still not positive it was correct but he fed from both sides & didn't need a top up then slept from 5ish till 7:30pm.



    I'm still struggling to realise when it hurts if it's due to a bad latch or just because my nipples are so cracked?? I find myself taking him on & off alot & the left side seems to be worse.



    Hoping the bf councillor will arrive in time for his next feed!
  • Hi hun



    Glad the mw made you feel a bit better. Not much further advice to give except ignore your fil and try not to give yourself a hard time over it all.

    xxx
  • This is going to sound really really dumb, but how do you know when the boob is empty? Harry will feed for 10 mins or so (sometimes less) and come off; sometimes he's asleep, othertimes just having a wriggle (which hurts!!) But he always wants to go back on; no matter how many times he goes back on he never seems to stop sucking, and if he comes off and I squeeze my boob I get milk drops appear, so I've been assuming he hasn't been emptying the boob. I've tried putting him on the other boob as well after a while just in case and again he just feeds and feeds (on and off) without ever seeming to stop being hungry.



    My boobs never feel 'full' or anything so I think maybe my supply is bad? He fed all morning, we popped out to shops - he grumbled all the time because he was still hungry! When we came home I gave him a bottle as was worried he was starving and he had just over an ounce. But that was about an hour ago and he's screaming for more; I tried to express and there is nothing there. Any thoughts? Sorry, just worried that he's sucking and getting nothing from me! xxx
  • Well my mw said if the boob feels obviously softer after a feed it's probably had it's milk ducts emptied, however if baby continues sucking he will draw milk out but not at the same flow as at the start.



    Oh & at the end of a feed when they do that sort of flutter feed (so not full on sucking) it's coz they've done with the milk & are getting the good fat & they flutter like that to break the fat up so it's easier to swallow so not to take them off till that's finished.



    Ds falls asleep on me alot so today I was told to vigourously rub his chest to perk him up & reattach.



    I would guess that if you can squeeze drops out & he only took an ounze that he is getting milk but is falling asleep before he's full. The bf councillor said to try pulling their leg up & down as that can stimulate them to feed again.



    Obviously I'm having my own struggles so I can only tell you what I've been told but what I have learnt is each person tells you slightly different info!
  • Garfield24 - I never have the whole 'hard boobs' thing, and actually didn't realise my milk had come in. MW said that it just meant my body produced the amounted needed, and boobs only went hard when milk was over produced, so I'm sure your supply is fine.



    DD also used to comfort suck, but it took a while for me to realise when she was feeding and when she was just using me as a dummy - what lo throat to see if they are swallowing milk or just sucking.



  • Thanks ladies (and for not laughing at me!) I have been watching Harry's throat but he's so chubby I can't tell whether he's swallowing or sucking lol! Its only if its really quite that i can sometimes hear him swallowing - but with a 2.5 year old around thats not very often!! Lambchop I'm going to give those tips a try; something has got to work!! xx
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