Controlled crying?

Hello ladies, hope you're all well.

Im really hoping you can help me with this one, has anyone done or is planning to do, controlled crying?

Finn is becoming a real nightmare to settle at night. He can take anywhere between 10 minutes and two hours to go to sleep, he doesnt cry, sometimes he falls asleep straight away in my arms after a bottle but other times he moans, whinges, arches his back and just fights sleep.

He'll be 7 months on the 19th June and is used to falling asleep in my arms (bad mummy!) and im finding it really difficult to break the habit. Once he's asleep, he sleeps for 12 hours so I do feel guilty complaining but its becoming a real issue, especially now im back at work. I dont want to battle with him every night to get him to sleep. Sometimes he wakes up a half hour or so after going down, and screams until I go in and pick him up. Once he's picked up he stops crying and goes straight back off. He doesnt nap in the day very well either, if we're in the car or pram then he falls asleep, otherwise its the same battle and he'll sleep for maybe 30-45 minutes twice a day. I've tried sitting in the room with him and ssshing, but it doesnt work. Nor does putting him in his cot and patting his back etc.

My HV has suggested controlled crying, but I dont know if im strong enough to do it. Help!! I was in tears myself the other night, its draining me x
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  • Im considering it. Although getting Brody off to sleep isnt an issue, it's the continuous waking in the night that has become an issue. At first I think his unsettledness was because of a reaction to his jabs and/or a cold or teething, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with him now! Im always worried about habits forming.
    This weekend wasnt ideal as my mum is staying. But next weekend we are back to just us so if things dont improve this week I may do it. I havent read a lot into it though and need to. But Im not opposed to it, I know it can be a "taboo" subject but each to their own and I wont be made to feel guilty for doing it. My friends have done it with their children when they were younger and it turned a corner for them. So if Finn cannot settle and you think this will help then go for it - especially if you've tried all other methods. Im a firm believer in a little bit of pain to achieve a better outcome in the long run. When I sleep trained Brody at 20wks it was hard work but well worth the effort and frustration afterwards.
  • hi

    the hv also suggested it for us but my oh doesn't believe in it, we're trying to wean the swaddle and he's teething pretty bad. so, its not the right time for us. tyler has got abit better at night, although he takes longer to go down, he then wakes about 10 to be repositioned/swaddled and then usually he's ok until around 6am. but this can change night to night. my friend tried cc which took her 2 weeks and her baby still wakes at night, when they listen to her cry for up to an hour. I think if you are sure then there is nothing else bothering them like teeth, too hot/cold etc then its worth a try. but i dont think it works for every baby, i know that it wouldn't work for us as tyler is very stubborn and would just cry until he's sick.

    have you thought of pick up/put down as recommended by the baby whisperer as an alternative to cc ? thats what we're going to try when he calms down.

    sarah
  • I have used it also, especially for naps and it really has made such a difference. Now I can get Olivia to nap in the daytime without much of a fight. It is hard and it doesn't work for everyone but if you feel you need to try it give it a go for a few days and if it hasn't worked after a few days it probably won't work for you. It is harder for us than it is for them xxx
  • I have started today as the nights have become an issue with repeated waking. Also daytime naps were a real issue, she would sleep if I cuddled her to sleep on the bed, and I would mostly get away with transferring her into her cot, but then she would wake up again after 20-30 mins. She's just been grumpy in the day because of lack of sleep. I think it is hard work, but it's worth it. I did it with my DD1 as she was hard to settle to bed, and it worked in 3 days! Fingers crossed for a quick acting session this time too.
    Have you tried it Ellie? How are you getting on? x
  • Thanks for all the advice ladies! My plan was to start on Thursday night, as I dont work fridays and so i'd have 4 nights to have a good crack at it.
    HOWEVER, since saturday night he has gone down at 6.30pm, without any fuss at all and slept through for at least 12 hours. Sometimes he'll wake shortly after going down but I just have to go in and shhh him and he's asleep again within a minute. I really dont know whats caused this massive difference (maybe he sensed I was gearing up to start cc!) but im praying it lasts! He's napping much better in the day time too. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this is not a fluke and we'll be back to square one in a weeks time.
    Good luck Stinton, let us know how you get on! xx

    [Modified by: Ellie.x on June 07, 2010 07:54 PM]

  • Well Im so pleased for you Ellie. Let's hope Finn realises he is onto a good thing now and stays that way.

    Alison - how are you going? Yet another night of constant wakings in our household. I was up for an hour from 430am. So Im at breaking point this morning and I dont know what to do really. His day naps arent usually that much of an issue but today he screamed HYSTERICALLY for 45 mins before passing out - with the help of both baby nurofen and baby panadol. I dont know if he is really teething or just plain playing up. So Im in 2 minds whether to use cc or not. Can you do it when they become that hysterical before you even attempt to start?? And is there any point when they are possibly teething? Which leads me to ask.. since they will constantly teeth from hereon when can you actually do it??? Im at my wits end.

  • Thanks Sim!
    Re the teething, I asked my HV the exact same thing and she said once he'd had his cuddles and medicine, there was nothing else that could be done for him, so there was no reason why I couldnt do CC if i wanted to. Its entirely up to u tho, thats just what i was told x
  • Ellie- Glad he's sleeping better, he must have known you were going to try it!

    Sim, it worked like a dream for the daytime naps yesterday. I went back in twice (3 minutes, then 4 minutes). Once asleep she slept soundly for 70 mins in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon and was much 'happier'.

    Last night was not so good- she went to bed asleep after her bottle, stirred at 11pm, and at Midnight when hubby got home from work. She really got upset at about 1am and I was firm with her for an hour even though she was getting into a right state. Hubby then had enough and insisted I picked her up, gave her a bottle at 2am so I reckon we are probably back to square one! Grr!
  • Ive had a horror afternoon, following a bad morning. Why does he get so hysterical??? The afternoon nap he lasted 30mins so I went back in and did pupd which was useless this time round. Everytime he was put back down he would carry on and arch his back and get hysterical. I did this countless times. I even, after reading it in the Baby Whisperer today, got into his cot and lay next to him to settle him. This worked a few times but each time he would then start up the arching and hysterical screaming. I feel like this is now creating more issues - him hating being in the cot and anything sleep related.
    My head is just spinning and Im a wreck from it all. He has now pushed me so far that I cannot even bare to be near him right now. How bad is that?

    So how do I start with cc if Im to start it? Give him his meds for teething, give him a cuddle then put him down and walk out and stay out? For how long? Then what?

    Sorry for hijacking your thread Ellie. I just dont see how i can cope with much more of this. Im resenting having him :cry: and then I feel so imcompetent as a mum. :cry: :cry:
  • Your not incompetent Sim, here is a link on cc you may find useful http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Routine-and-Teamwork/Controlled-Crying.aspx it recommends increasing the time gradually,

    CC worked on Dylan in a day, but it can take longer they say if its going to work it will work within 3 days.

    Big hugs hunni, it can be hard when they wont settle and there is no reason for it take some time away from him he's not going to come to any harm

    Much love xxxx
  • Sim dont apologise, the whole reason I started this thread was because I feel exactly the same as you. I was spending two hours a night settling him, he would wake the minute he was put in his cot and he would arch his back and scream and scream and scream. I ended up in tears and I was begining to resent him. That makes me feel so guilty and I felt like a terrible mum. I didnt have a clue what I was doing, and i'd literally leave him screaming and shout at my OH to deal with it before going to sit on the step outside and cry. I dont know why he's suddenly settling easier, im not relaxing yet because I still think its a fluke.

    I used to spend days wishing I was back at work because I would spend most of the day battling with him to nap, only for him to wake 20 minutes later.

    Its exhausting, and i was more than ready to start CC. I used the link that Em has posted above, and thats how I was going to do it. If things go back to how they were then I wont hesitate to try it.
    I think the key is not giving up, it will be much harder for you than for Brody, but if you give in after an hour, 2 hours etc, he'll just learn that all he has to do is keep crying and eventually he'll get picked up.
    If you know he's fed, warm, winded, had his meds and a cuddle from mum, there is nothing more to be done and you can leave him to settle himself. We have to train our babas to do everything else, eating, using the potty etc etc, so it makes sense that we have to teach them to sleep too.

    If you're going to do it, take a deep breath, agree with your OH who will go in to Brody after each timescale and explain that you will need each others support for this to work, pick your night to start and go for it. Good luck xxxx
  • Oh Sim, don't be so hard on yourself (although looking back to how I was with DD1 I do get where you are coming from). I started off gently with 2 minutes, then increased by 1 minute each time. Just sat outside the door with my phone as a timer. Went in each time, stroked her head, reassured her and calmly walked away. She was sobbing by the time I shut the door, but only had to go back in twice this evening. It's the middle of the night stuff that is more difficult for us (hubby works shifts and there are two more children to consider in the house).

    You are doing so well, and you must be so tired with the pregnancy too and all the hormones that go along with that.

    I can't believe you got in the cot with Brody! I got the Baby Whisperer from the library today but I don't think I'm going to read it now! xx
  • Not wanting to hijack as we're not doing CC'ing (I'm too soft and the one time OH tried to do it without agreeing it with me first it led to a huge argument and Freddie throwing up). But I picked up The Baby Whisperer the other day and then sat and sobbed as she basically spelt out what a crap job I'm doing ... apparently I'm an accidental parent, I disrespect Freddie when I offer him the boob when he's upset and I've robbed him of his independence as he can't self settle. SO unless you're feeling tough I'd give it a miss! xx
  • I was at a post-natal group today and the doula there running it said a good point: "only read the books that agree with your methods!" So Karen, the BW is not for you. Ive followed it since day 1 and nothing else, so Id be afraid to pick anything else up as Im sure it would tell me Im doing it wrong because the methods differ to what Ive done. So stick with what you know hon.

    Ellie I have spent the past 2.5hrs battling with him and his afternoon nap. I was in there after putting him down the 3rd time just 10 minutes ago (and he is awake whinging again now :evil: ) but there I was thinking the exact same as you were:

    I used to spend days wishing I was back at work because I would spend most of the day battling with him to nap, only for him to wake 20 minutes later.

    Im asking myself why I gave up work for this? Why I left my life, the country, my job, to struggle financially and feel lonely and basically down right cr*p as I feel the struggles definately outweigh the rewards right now.
    OK, now he has descended into mayhem in there so best be off AGAIN!!!
    Cant do this much more.
  • Just a quick one to let you know im thinking of you Sim, ill reply properly when home from work later today xx
  • Did things get any better today Sim? I know how you feel, its so exhausting and frustrating and im sorry you're going through a rough time. Did you give anymore consideration to CC?Xx
  • I cant take anymore of it. Another bad night and then hysterical screaming all morning. He refused the bf all bar a few sucks here or there and spent the rest of the time wailing about hysterically in the bed. He whinged all through breakfast. He is whinging right now. All I hear is constant whinging in my ears. How can I console him when I feel less and less to give every day?
    If I even attempt to let him cry it out he gets hysterical. And vomits. So cc would not work with him. Only make matters worse. Im over the edge with him. Im exhausted, now sick with cold. And fed up being with him. I dont want to even hold him.
  • Hi Sim

    In the early days with Tyler I felt exactly the same, and resented myself for feeling like it. I loosely follow the BW methods but again according to her book i'm a bad mum because Tyler is still in a swaddle (albeit one armed), the HV suggested controlled crying to us but Tyler would just make himself sick and I dont want to go through that with him. We all do the best we can, I think if I had any idea how hard this would be I would think of thought again. But I love my little man, even at 3am when he's trying to crawl around his cot. But many many nights I have sat in tears whilst humming to him to try and get him to settle(another BW no no). We have nights when he doesn't want to be swaddled but cant sleep without it, on these nights i'm lost and have no idea what to do.

    Have you spoken to your hubs about how you feel or HV ? Do you think you may have a touch of PND ? My HV is coming on Friday to do some test to see if I have it, hubs thinks its sleep deprivation but am not so sure.
    Has he any teeth coming through ? Ty has two on their way and he is the most grumpiest baby first thing in the morning when its coming up to nap time and has been refusing his solids and I get tired of his constant moaning , I think because of his teeth but when you're tired and feeling helpless, everything seems worse.
    I think i've rambled abit, but we are all here for you. Some of us are going through similar.

    If you ever want to talk, send me an email. You are doing a fab job, I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes. Being a mummy is the hardest job on the planet. After having a baby, all the wars in the world could be solved by us mummies.

    Lots of love.
    Sarah
  • I don't care what any of the books say, none of you are bad mummies!!!!

    Being a mummy is a full time job, its really really hard. I think the moaning/ whingeing is a stage there going through, crying I can deal with but the whine and whinge makes me wish I was deaf at times! There is never anything wrong with him I think its just that he's realised he can make this noise and so keeps practising it!

    Sim is he just like this napping in his cot? Is there a chance you can get him to nap in his pushchair etc then when he's not so tired try again in his cot? I know you have torrential downpours so not sure if possible, but as they say the more they sleep the more they want so if you can get him off to sleep elsewhere maybe when hes not so frustrated with himself he will go down better.

    You can do this, you are far far stronger than you think you are.

    Big hugs hun xxxxx
  • Sim you have been a constant source of support for many of us in this forum, picking us up when we've been down and constantly reassuring us that we're doing a fab job when we were doubting ourselves and our ability.
    Im really sorry that you're having such a tough time, it WILL get better i promise. I know exactly how you're feeling, 2 weeks ago I could have written your posts myself. I wanted to leave my baby, just pack my things leave him with my OH and go. I'd had enough, I was getting angry with him and I didnt want to pick him up, we'd both end up sobbing because I just couldnt do anything to stop the constant whinging and crying.
    I really dont know why Finn has suddenly changed and settles so much easier with no fuss, it is nothing I have done I know that much. He has just cut his first tooth, so maybe it was teething that was bothering him. Could this be the same for Brody?
    When you say he gets hysterical if you leave him to cry it out, is he already worked up when you try to leave him or is he calm? Does he sleep in his own room or in yours? Does he have his last feed, quiet time upstairs? Im sorry for all the questions, im just trying to work out what it could be.
    Please look after yourself and make sure you OH is doing his fair share so you get a break. Lots of love xx
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