overbearing mum and sister making me miserable - help

Mini_Moo · Nov 30, 2009 6:59AM

im not sure what 2 make of my situation - im not even sure if im the one with the problem but its getting me down. ideas please. Sorry this is long.

Ok so - since the birth of my son my Mum and sister have been driving me bonkers. Im a very private person and dont like being crowded by people - not even family.
My sister had a baby earlier this year and her and her hubby live with my parents while they save to buy a house, my mum therfore has a very privaledged position of seeing her 1st grandchild grow up at close quarters and she seems to think that she should have the same rights with my baby. My mum freely picks their baby up when ever she wants and will intervene if she thinks she knows better which my sis and hubby allow.
My hubby and I are very private people - very different to my sister and hubby and live a good 30 mins away from them all so that we are at a distance if that makes sense? We are very self sufficient and like to do things our way learning from our own mistakes - does that make sense? My hubby had a month off with us when our boy was born and my Mum was really miffed by this as she wanted to be at ours every day but I would not allow it and made a point of saying we would arange to see her twice a week for a catch up.I cant imagine any hubby wanting their mother inlaw in their face every day. Anyway when we did see her she would insist on picking up my baby even if we had only just got him too sleep and she would also pass him around to anyone else in the room without asking if i was ok with it.

My mum even had the cheek to ask if she could have my baby for a night under the pretence of giving us a rest - WTF? $:\$ ? Why would I want any1 to have my baby when he is only a week old? I dont understand.
Anyway - everything I do she says is wrong - I shouldn't pick him up when he crys i should let him scream ( he needs to learn apparently!!) I shouldn't breastfeed - he wont get enough from me $:\$ ? I should put him in his own room right away - having him in our room will make him never want to leave - the list just goes on.
My hubby is now back at work and my mum and sis want me to be with them every day so that they can see him - i feel so overwhelmed. They both want to pick him up all the time - and my mum always says ' of course you dont like babies but your sister loves them so much. shes so much better with im then you are $:\$ ?' hands up i dont like other peoples babies - they scare me i never know what to do. Buuut I love my baby - i'd do anything for him Im so in love with him i just want to look at him all the time.
Im so confused, i dont know how to handle this. Im close to losing it with them but its family. Is there a better way? Im unable to sleep at night, and i feel on edge constantly. Im off with every1 and dont want any1 to come near him or me because of how they have made me feel.
Help - i've no idea what to do next

x

Mummy2K · Nov 28, 2009 12:30PM

Firstly, congratulation on the birth of your baby boy!

Your mom really shouldn't bemaking you feel this way. I have no experience as i am only pregnant with first baby but i would suggest maybe just not having mom round for a little while so you can enjoy your baby and get your head together. If your mom wants to come round-fob her off somehow, say you have other visitors or say you have an appointment so you wont be in and that you'll call her to arrange a better time. I'd maybe try to keep her at a distance for a week.

Or maybe you'll just need to be honest with her and tell them that they're making you feel like rubbish and knocking your confidence. Tell them you could do without the criticism and if they don't like how you do things then that's their problem...

It's a tough situation and i'm sure your mom means no harm, but you have to do what you need to do to make you and baby happy. That's your priority.

All the best hun.

KB 9+5 XX

summer_76 · Nov 28, 2009 12:42PM

oh hun - i have a mil who keeps wanting to pick toby up when he is settled and keeps calling him podge which drives me round the twist. i had to sit her down today and said

we are his mummy and daddy and what we say goes - whether you agree with it or not

please do not pick him up when h e is asleep, settled etc.

please do not stroke him when he is in his basket asleep settled

please do not question when, how why, as we need to figure it out ourselves.

a few other bits and bobs i had to mention but you really need to say something otherwise it will overwhelm you and you need to soak up every minute of your little one.

i hope someone else is more help but i htink tough love is the way to go

good luck x x

Sarahlouisdue17thNov · Nov 28, 2009 1:09PM

omg! what a tricky situation. I don't mean to sound rude but some of those comments a bit harsh but maybe she doesn't realise how opinionated she is being. Maybe it needs to be tactfully pointed out.

mummabear-72331 · Nov 28, 2009 1:09PM

Being up front and honest is probably the best for YOU. They may not like it, but this is your baby and you are stressed over the interference... not good! We don't want you to be stressed

You should be cherishing this time with your son who is changing and growing every day. You don't want to be wasting anything on being on edge because of other people's behaviour. So nip it in the bud now! Then sit back relaxed and enjoy your gorgeous little man!

xx

Rosapenny · Nov 28, 2009 7:08PM

Oh hun I know exactly how you feel, for me its my mil. She keeps trying to tell me what to do, I have already had words with her but she cant seem to help herself she has to try and control everyone around her and she keeps coming down with this big grin on her face hoping that I am failing she keeps saying oh well you must be exhausted and keeps trying to make out that I am not coping as well as her daughter. Last week she seen me changing Olivia's nappy on the changing mat and she said oh your mammy cant change you on her knee and then she looked at me and she said a lot of modern mothers just cant do it the old way. She also told my hubby that she had a conversation with my mum and she said my mum said a load of things which I knew wasnt true because my mum had already told me about the conversation. It is awful because she thinks that she is giving advice but she isnt she is constantly telling me what to do, even fil has had words with her!

I wish I had a bit of advice but just want to say you are not alone.

sparkleXx · Nov 29, 2009 5:20AM

oh hun i feel for you

i have older brothers and sisters and they let my mum do anything she wanted to do she used to go in and put washing on get ironing board out etc and completely take over pick babies up everything (she thought she was helping) but then they all moaned about it after she had gone saying didnt like it so i always said to myself i would say to her so i did and it was horrible she called me selfish and was crying but i said that it wasnt fair that i should be worrying about her doing things i had enough to worry about, she came in one day and rrarranged my kitchen!! hubby was not happy. but now im no4 she understands that i need my space and that my way of doing things with baby works and asks if can help which i like and do exept but on my terms.

i def think you should say it might not be a nice situation but has to be said

Mini_Moo · Nov 29, 2009 7:36AM

Thank you for your replies ladies - you are right I do need to say something.
Im a bit of a wimp though and dont like confrontation. $:\$ (
I just know its going to cause a whole wave of emotions from them all and im just not sure I want to deal with it all. eeeek
Somehow im the one who feels guilty for feeling the way i do - how stupid is that. Too make matters worse my hubby came home from work yesterday and said he has been offered a place on a team that he has been trying to get on for ages now up in London - my mother is going to freak. Its a great opportunity for my hubby though so we must do it even if its just for a couple of years. its a new adventure after all. oh well take the bull by the horns and all that.

wish me luck

summer_76 · Nov 29, 2009 1:40PM

maybe distance will be just the thing that you need. Congrats to hubby for getting the placement.

You go girl - i say grab the bull by the testicles and go for it! x

mummabear-72331 · Nov 29, 2009 1:52PM

Well thats good news for you and your hubby. Dont think of it as bad just because your mum wont be happy about it. This is a good opportunity for you as a family, and for your hubby if its something he has wanted for a long time. If you are to make the move soon, then perhaps its also a way of avoiding the confrontation with your mum and sister. Although its good to be honest, sometimes some things can be better left unsaid. As long as you have a way of dealing with things.

Hon, Im in London too so you have someone here when you get here!

xx

XXmummy-of-3XX · Nov 30, 2009 6:59AM

I agree totally with the fact you need to say something- Summer hit the nail on the head. I'm sure you'll feel better when you air your views. He's your son, and you have the right to do things the way you want. Good luck.

Alison& Lily xx

overbearing mum and sister making me miserable - help

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