PND and support

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  • Aw he is gorgeous, i love his fluffy hair!
  • Well, the health visitor has just left and apprently i scored high for post natal depression. She said she has to report it to the doctor, but i've said I would prefer not to do anything about it and she can re-visit in a month. By then I will be back in work and Ty will be in nursery.

    Its no suprise really to me at all, As we have no support from anyone really. Months can go by before in laws will visit, and the only reason my parents see him is because I go down there every day.

    How much support does everyone else get ? Is it just us that cope on our own ?

    Sarah
  • my husbands family live away so we dont see them my mum is in her 70s and cant really help she tried but has bad arthritis so cant run after them and when she visits i take care of her so no we dont really have anyone that helps supports apart from friends who i have met a toddler groups but they have their own kids and family to look after. my family visit from time to time but usually excite the kids and leave then im left trying to calm them down. hubby is at work til 6pm and leaves before we get up so only have him at weekends. sometimes id kill for a break just an hr of me time but never happens lol

    toddler groups have helped do you go to any?

    sorry to hear you scored high x
  • Hi Sarah

    Nope your not alone. My inlaws live in England (we live in Scotland) so only see them every few months. Im glad of though, any more & I would kill them lol. My own family stay about 20-30mins from me but I hardly see them. My mum was so excited when I was pregnant & the way she was going on I thought I would have to ask her to stop coming round so often but she has been to my house 3/4 times since Jack has been born. The only way she sees Jack & us is if we go over to her, which Ive started to cut down as it was every week. I see my dad every couple of weeks & hes took Jack out a couple of times & my brother & his girlfriend come over every couple of weeks as well.

    But day to day its just me, Jack & our dog Millie. Chris works 7.30am - 5.30pm but doesnt usually get in till after 6pm (in time for Jacks bath) & we really only have the weekends as a family. Chris is a great help (most of the time lol) but apart from that its me that does everything. Some days I feel like screaming as all its seems to be is baby this baby that & you forget that you are you & not just mummy.

    I agree with ajmum4xxxx baby/toddler groups are great. I didnt start going to one till Jack was about 4 months old. Its only once a week but its something to look forward to & you meet other mums or grandparents & you can share your worries & happy times with them. Half the time Jack is napping but its just good to talk to adults. I would defo recommend going to one if you arent already. I go out once a week with two of the grandparents either to the park, shopping or lunch etc & I really look forward to it.

    Stacey
    xxxx
  • I'm sorry you scored highly Sarah, hopefully when she visits next month you will feel better as circumstances will be different.

    In terms of support we don't even have a bloody health visitor! I saw her once she then went 'out of the area' and was never replaced so since Dylan was 21 days old I haven't seen an actual HV only a nursery nurse when I take him to be weighed and its so rushed they dont assess him.

    However, I have to say my inlaws and my mum have been fantastic. Dylan is a little ray of sunshine for my mum and at the minute we see her about once a week. The inlaws it depends we can see them weekly then have a break of a few weeks, it just depends on how busy they and we are as they understand we want family time too.

    But on a day to day basis its just me, Dylan and Tobes (our dog) I have to say I haven't done it long due to being unwell so I take my hat off to you and all the other mummies who have been mummy on a daily basis for the past 7 months!

    Do you have any friends nearby that you could meet as well as baby groups? I go to my local surestart thurs and fri mornings, swimming lessons tuesday afternoons (bar today as its cancelled grrrr!) and then the rest of the time I try and meet some of my friends for lunch or coffee. None of my friends have children but they all love taking him off me and having a play whilst I enjoy a starbucks :lol: just an idea to give you a break?

    Hope you ok hun, big cuddles to Ty

    Em xxxx
  • Hi Ladies

    I go to baby club on a monday and friday, my sister in law has a little boy 13 weeks younger than Tyler but they live around 30 mins away so we dont see them much.
    My hubs works 4 on and 4 off, but the 4 days off he spends building the extension on our house, doing all the housework etc So I have no complaints there. I think I just get bored and lonely. Ty is fab and I love spending the day with him. When I was pregnant both sets of parents were saying they were going to do this and that and in reality they dont. I've just spoken to my mum about it as she said i've had PND since Ty was 6 weeks old, but they both work full time (mum has her own pet sitting, dog walking business) so unless I go down there they wouldn't see him, my in laws dont bother with him at all despite living 5 mins away.
    Hopefully when i'm back in work and Ty is settled in nursery then things will improve. I think most of it is sleep deprivation, even though he is so much better than he was.

    Sarah
  • BE ate the long reply I wrote

    I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I was feeling very much the same. It wasn't because my parents weren't supportive (although if you'd asked about them at the time I'd have said I don't know how my mum thinks she will have time to look after my lo when I go back to work one day a week as she doesn't have time to speak to me on the bloody phone (by the way the child care was her suggestion)). I think that the suggestions that were given to me on here were good, good chocolate (cadburys isn't good enough) and exercise, to which I'll add another a little time to yourself to be a grown up. Could you (and lo in the pushchair) do some dog walking for your mum so she can give you an hour off to go and do something you used to do before you had your lo. Feeling like your self is important not just for you but for your lo.

    Hope you feel better soon.
  • Sorry to hear hon. I really hope things do improve once you go back to work and he is at nursery. Im sure things will change as you will have some of your old life back and it wont be just all about Ty. I can only empathise as Im feeling really depressed too. I know very well that I too would score high if one of those tests were done on me which is why Im afraid to go anywhere near one. I just feel so alone and the pressure of a very demanding baby gets too much.
    Yesterday, I followed someones suggestion of just doing what I wanted and going to my mothers group on time (as opposed to getting there for the last 15 mins because Brody has to have his nap). So I fed him and we got in the car (on nap time - at 1pm) and he slept the 5 min drive there. Put him in the buggy to go into the park and of course he was wide awake and refused to go back off. He normally sleeps 2 hrs for this nap so he missed this. Went home at 3 and he fell asleep on the way back then stayed asleep in his cot for 40mins. The rest of the afternoon he was hysterical. Clearly overtired. And he woke countless times last night as a result which left me in pieces at 2am and hubby and I having a huge row with me going and sleeping on the sofabed. :cry: I told him I was going to get on a plane and go back to London on my own. Yes, very irrational.
    But I too have no support. It's just me and him 95% of the day. My mum has seen him 3 times, and MIL twice, since he was born. I have no one to drop in every day, let alone even one day. I only had 5 friends here to begin with and Im struggling to make more because I feel I cant get out. My best friend is a single mum of a 3yo and works several jobs so is always busy or exhausted, but she is the only one I see. Another mummy friend ended up going back to work but is now back in the UK after her husband took his life 2 weeks ago. :cry: A third has gone up north for a while during renovations so I havent even seen her. Another is leaving to live in LA with her new boyfriend. And the fifth Ive seen once as she works 2 jobs. So I feel so so alone.
    I cannot leave the room to go to the toilet without Brody having a meltdown. Separation anxiety isnt meant to start til 7-9months but he has had it for a while and it is now escalating. Is it because it's just him and me all the time? I just cant hold him all the time and he constantly wants to be picked up.I cant make his dinner without him having a meltdown because I cant hold him and do it at the same time.
    I mentioned the mothers group, but I find the times to be awkward to get to so Im always late. And after making him fit with the time yesterday ended up with all hell breaking loose. And with the way things have been of late I feel like such a downer when I go cos I cant chime in anymore with the "I just love this age that they are at!" Im hating it.
    I cant talk to my husband as he makes me feel worse. My mum isnt as compassionate enough for what I need. She sweeps things under the carpet and says it will get better. My feelings are negated and suppressed.
    When I was at the docs with Brody last week to have him checked he asked how I was coping. I said not very well. That was the end of it. To be honest, Im afraid for anything to go on record anyway. Hubby suggested getting a counsellor but we dont have enough money to make ends meet let alone pay for a counsellor. It already cost me $200 last week after breaking down. Money I dont have.

    Another meltdown.. have to go.
    xx
  • Hi sim

    i know exactly how you feel, i had a big row with mum about it yesterday which didn't help as relations are abit strained there as hubs said he doesn't trust their dogs around tyler which upset them.

    all hell broke loose in my monday baby club so i dont think that will continue, they are talking about going to eazeeplay instead but ty is too young.
    you can do the pnd test yourself on-line if your curious just google it, and it tells you how to score it. Ty is the same with naps, and as a result its quite restrictive, for example we were invited to go for a meal last night but it started at 7, so hubs went and i stayed home to put him to bed. he wont just sleep in a pushchair, only in his cot or the car (depending on his mood).
    sarah
  • I just did the Edinburgh one like you did and scored 25. So that seals it. I saw your post in the other forum as I went in there earlier today as I was going to post myself but it seems awfully quiet in there.
    The naps can be so restrictive. Ive tried so hard to do the right thing by him and ensure he gets a proper opportunity to have a good sleep at lunch - in his cot. Now it bites be on the bum cos if he doesnt get those 2 hrs (and he will only do this in his cot) then he is so grumpy and wakes more at night because he is overtired. I wouldnt get more than 30 mins in the buggy or the car. The mothers in my group just let theirs nap for 30 mins here or there in a buggy. One only has 1 nap a day for 30mins-1hr and is happy as larry. I know I shouldnt compare...
    I really hope going back to work helps things for you. I could only wish I had that option as I would go back for 6 months to have a break then go off again on maternity. But since I had to resign I no longer have that option. Feeling trapped! Some mothers may think I have it all cos Im not having to go back at work... but perhaps they dont understand what it's like to have a baby at home all day constantly screaming at them for months.
  • Hi Sim

    25 is quite high, i'm going to see my GP next week I think and see what they say.
    My mum thinks (she has alot of opinions), that we shouldn't be so restricted by his naps, but its not her thats up in the night when he's overtired. Sometimes, Ty has textbook naps but is still a nightmare at night. My SIL has just been down with her 16 week old who sleeps all night.
    We're having abit of a bad day today, Hubs couldn't sleep at all last night, then when he did the dog started barking to be let out as he had a bad belly, also the sensor monitor kept going off last night as Ty was up the top of the cot so I dont think it will be on tonight. Then the baby woke up at 6. What he doesn't realise is that he has no concept of what tired is, yet we still get up, plaster on a smile and play, sing songs, etc with the baby all day. So i'm in abit of a strop with him as the way he's acting you would think the world has ended, also he said that he doesn't feel like playing with the baby as he's too tired !!!!!!!

    Ah well, hopefully Ty will settle well in nursery and they will tire him out. He has so much energy its unreal, god help us when he starts walking.

    Sarah
  • Oh I agree with you on the nap thing. Your mum isnt there in the night. You know him and what his needs are. And what happens if they arent met.
    My mum visited 2 weekends ago and when she got back home she had all this "wonderful" advice after speaking to her boss who is a paed. "Just switch the monitor off!" was one piece of advice. Ah, well maybe that worked for him but it doesnt in our house! Like Ty, Brody descends into hysteria and makes himself sick if you dont go to him soon enough. My mum just kept saying that I will get through this and he's not the only baby that gets unsettled. She called every day to say so. I switched my phones off today. I AM aware he isnt the only baby that cries like this, but he is my baby and it's been going on and on and is doing my friggin head in!! She had it for a mere 3 days when she was here and it wasnt her getting up in the night to him.

    My hubby came home tonight with a more compassionate approach. He said he found it tough with just a few hours with Brody on his own and if he multiplied that to 10hrs every day it would do his head in too. Think he'd been speaking to his boss about me - his boss had a nightmare with his son, then their daughter came next and is an angel. So now he's all like, the next one will be easier! Oh, and his boss's son changed for the better when he hit 12 months... great so only 5 to go... :roll: Ive had a better day with Brody today and we did some bonding. Im trying real hard. My spirits have lifted a little. I know deep down the bigger issues need resolving but I feel so alone in going there. Plus I know it's such a dark place to go to. :cry:

    Well I hope you find some strength today hon and you have a better night to come (I get so cranky with my very loud and talkative cat when he strolls through when Brody is sleeping - and breaks into his room and jumps in the cot!!) . Also hope that your hubby realises the world hasnt actually ended ;\) . Ty certainly is getting around in that cot! We have no signs of crawling here, not even any interest! He doesnt really like tummy time so lasts no more than 1 minute!
  • to be honest i have no idea - i just really want to give you both a big hug - you do have very demanding babies and whilst they are obviously going to be huge brain boxes when they are older (i think toby will be in the corner banging his head!) it must be so difficult dealing with that all the time.

    I have a suggestion but again i feel unqualified to say anything - have you thought about putting your boys in creche or nursery now. Toby was getting really clingy when he was about 17 weeks so every thursday for 2.5 hours he goes to nursery. I was so worried but he just lvoes it and i get my me time - it is only 5 mintues from the house so i go back and usually clean (i love cleaning!) but it is me time again. Toby is due to start 6 hours on a friday as well to prepare him for when i go back to work so it isnt a huge shock.

    I had a 2 page essay of tobys naps milk cries blah blah and they smiled sweetly at me and pushed me towards the door - he is always so happy to see me when i come back and they jkust love him to pieces.

    You really need some time to yourselves - i would go barking if it wasnt for thursday mornings. And i agree Sarah - going back to work i think will help - my hubby thinks it will be the best thing that i could do as i am so obsessed by toby.

    I reallly have no other suggestions but i hope you both get the support you need either from family or healthcare professionals.

    Lots of love to you both x x x
  • Hi Summer

    Thanks for that, Tyler starts nursery taster sessions next week for two hours two days a week so i'm planning to go into work on those days and sort everything out (they've changed my job because am going back part time, whole other story).

    He is quite a demanding little boy, today for example he has worked out how to put his hat on when it came off. Very funny to watch, and he purrs at our cat, strange child.

  • i generally dont do the my child does this that and the other - but just from the photos you can see he is advanced. Purring at the cat - thats priceless! x Bless HIm

    also sorry for my brothers comments - he is a moron but a lovely moron x
  • Just catching up after a few horrendous nights and a fall out with a soon to be ex friend. So sorry you're feeling like this hun, it can be so lonely sometimes can't it? Whole days can go past and you realise you've only spoken to lo, oh and the cats. My parents are 200 miles away and oh's parents are in their 80's so no help there. My mum had promised to come over once every 5 weeks for a few days to help out but she's just got a dog and as my cats hate dogs then I can't see her coming as often.
    I always put on a smiley happy face for the hv as I've never found her particularly helpful and I certainly wouldn't want her round at the house. She offended me during our first meet when she said 'of course you'll be having the full year off work' cue many many tears from me as we can't afford it.
    My oh is like yours - shift work and when he's not at work he's working on the house or doing housework - which I really really appreciate but I also have to remind him sometimes to get on the floor for a bit and entertain Freddie as Freddie's getting increasingly clingy to me - not good when he's due to start nursery in August.
    I do find the sunny weather helps and Freddie and I have been on some fab long walks - when I'm not stressing that he SHOULD be sleeping. We threw the textbook on naps out of the window weeks ago - he sleeps on me, in the buggy and in the car but not in his cot. I couldn't cope with fighting with him and spending 60% of every day trying to get Freddie to sleep, so now he sleeps but I'm sure our arrangement wouldn't work for many people! He's now a happy boy though and rarely cries, figured he can stay awake for 3 hours before he rubs his eyes and puts his arms up for a cuddle - then it's time for a cuddle and sleep.

    Second what rfran said chocolate and exercise - not sure about the me time cos I don't have any !

    Sending big big hugs to you and to Sim too - so sorry you're feeling so isolated hun

    If it wasn't for coming on here I think I'd have totally lost the plot - so big thanks everyone x x x
  • Oh Sarah, I'm really sorry about everything. I wish I had a magic wand!

    In short, I completely know how you feel. I'm in total denial most of the time actually - it's the only way I can deal with PND without any support. When I was diagnosed, I didn't go on Anti-ds because I didn't want to, and I took the alternative option which was support. Sadly, I've seen nothing of anything. My doc's surgery haven't followed anything up, they still don't, I was promised sessions with various different people including a bfing support lady who was meant to phone and never did. I was also told when I was diagnosed that I needed to tell my family, so that they could support me too - and that then I'd have family helping as well as the professionals on the case. My family were great for about 2 weeks, now they're shite again. I get support from my 19 year old brother, who's a student bless him, and talks to me and lets me cry and scream or sit and stare at the wall and say the most awful things about everything - he's amazing and he keeps me sane. My hubby is fantastic now but used to find it a lot harder than now and would constantly tell me how difficult everything was for him. My head went into the sand and so I think I've largely coped by ignoring it, if that makes sense, and lot of stuff I deal with by locking myself in the bathroom and just pretending it's not there. Horrid, I know, but sometimes it's the only way. I'm now trying to ignore gargantuan amounts of guilt for giving up bfing and secretly liking the fact my boobs are getting smaller again, and that I'm enjoying seeing the kids at school because I've missed them, and the only way I can deal with not bfing is not to feed him - daddy does all of it and I can't even watch some days. Honestly, I'm completely loopy.

    So I guess I'm trying to say that you're not alone. It's the craziest thing I've had to do, have PND, it's completely mad. It's like being inhabited by an extra person who makes no sense and causes loads of problems. I know exactly where you're coming from, and I haven't had half the problems with Jak that you've had with Tyler: I can't imagine what reflux is like to cope with, so you're definitely Supermum to me. Sorry for the garbled nonsense, I'm very tired! x x x

    Em x x x
  • Oh I love the purring..how clever!! Brody only manages a very loud shriek at ours!

    summer - the nursery.. well hubby has been trying to push this on me for a while now to "give me a break". Trouble is, how can I justify that when I literally have to watch every cent that goes out of the bank. It's so expensive to live here on 1 salary (rent is extortionate). Im always worrying about money and I go without everything so that Brody can have a new toy or something to help his development. Which Im fine with, but I think Id feel terribly guilty dropping him off somewhere and then having timeout. Bit like skiving on the job (though funny, I never had an issue going for several coffee breaks every day when I had a job!!) But in saying all that, hubby said he found one run by the council that takes short bookings (a few hours) at short notice. So if things get tough again like they were then I know that's an option I can rely on when I really do need a break before I totally break myself!! I dont know though, I would feel awful if I had him in a bad way to then dump him on to someone else. I mean how awful would that be for them to take him and think he was a devil child?? Or that I was an awful mum that just couldnt cope?

    I think the best therapy by far is being able to come on here to express ourselves.
    x
  • I completely agree, you ladies keep me sane...

    Sorry I didn't mean to sound like mummy-olympics either about Tylers purring etc, didn't mean it to come out like that, although thinking about it, i think the hat was on his way to his mouth and he missed.

    I was supposed to go to GP today, but forgot I had a BUPA appointment to get my falsies checked (another worry), so I had a lovely two hours where hubs had Tyler and they played together. By the time I got home Tyler was knackered as he had played right through his nap time but he was as good as gold. Sometimes I think I worry too much. Me and hubs had a very big row last night about his comment about him being too tired to play with Tyler, i think he realises his comment was ridiculous.
    Ty was up at 3am this morning, swaddle off, on all fours again. I honestly cant see a way of us stopping this, hopefully he'll get bored of it. He is getting harder to settle for naps and at night, and he teething really bad at the moment. I'm hoping the two are related.
  • sim - i am sorry pennies are so tight - that sucks but i havent yet checked yesterdays lottery ticket and if my numbers come up i will be on the first plane out to you to give you a hug - we can put both boys in nursery and go and have a decaff coffee and the hugest slice of cake.

    If the council run one is cheap enough then i would say go for it purely becasue i know what it meant to me. I think it would do Brody good too.. Sorry its short but toby is screaming x
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