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Is anyone else getting over a traumatic birth?
Hi Ladies,
I'm sorry to bring a downer on the forum but just wondered if anyone else who had a traumatic birth is still getting over it and if so how are you working through it?
We've tried to talk about it and most of it isn't feeling quite as raw now but I feel the fact my c section is still causing me pain and reduced movement means I keep remembering why. Its a constant reminder.
With life being so completely different to before its easy to dwell on things if I don't keep myself busy and the fact I'm pretty much on my own here makes it tough. My husband's good at weekends but tends to be very tired mid week and its straining our relationship. I'm tired from having him all day and he often wants to just chill. I think I need a break so might ask him to give me a couple of hours to leave the house on my own. I know I'll miss him but I need to get away and have a breather. missing him will be good for us!
I'm trying to go to some classes/groups now I can get out more but I then tend to punish myself about the state of the house as not much has been done since Connor was born - but in a way I think I know the housework can wait and that for my mental health its more important to not chain myself to the house. Really need to build my confidence going out, feeding and generally caring for him in public. I feel so nervous and as though I'm being judged when I do anything in public with him....am i holding him right, changing him right etc etc.
I suppose we're a bit behind in gaining this type of confidence as we've not been out all that much to date.
I'm sorry to bring a downer on the forum but just wondered if anyone else who had a traumatic birth is still getting over it and if so how are you working through it?
We've tried to talk about it and most of it isn't feeling quite as raw now but I feel the fact my c section is still causing me pain and reduced movement means I keep remembering why. Its a constant reminder.
With life being so completely different to before its easy to dwell on things if I don't keep myself busy and the fact I'm pretty much on my own here makes it tough. My husband's good at weekends but tends to be very tired mid week and its straining our relationship. I'm tired from having him all day and he often wants to just chill. I think I need a break so might ask him to give me a couple of hours to leave the house on my own. I know I'll miss him but I need to get away and have a breather. missing him will be good for us!
I'm trying to go to some classes/groups now I can get out more but I then tend to punish myself about the state of the house as not much has been done since Connor was born - but in a way I think I know the housework can wait and that for my mental health its more important to not chain myself to the house. Really need to build my confidence going out, feeding and generally caring for him in public. I feel so nervous and as though I'm being judged when I do anything in public with him....am i holding him right, changing him right etc etc.
I suppose we're a bit behind in gaining this type of confidence as we've not been out all that much to date.
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Replies
sorry your still feeling raw about your birth. Have you got any friends or neighbours that you can call on for a cup of tea. That is what I started with doing just walking down the road to visit people who i knew wouldn't judge me. that built my confidence up and now I am going out and about quite alot.
I think our start has affected me as I check on Oliver constantly and panic all the time when he is asleep as he is very pale. I think this is due to him being in scbu; something that I didn't imagine happening. Slowly though my confidence is growing and I take little steps each day.
My scar has more or less healed now apart from ingrowing hairs where they shaved me so look out for them!!! It still feels numb in places and i do get the odd twinge but otherwise it feels much better and I am sure yours will too soon.
I have been out a couple of times without him and also I ask my hubby to take him for a couple of hours once a week so that I can do some housework or just have a break. My hubby has discovered the sling and loves taking Oliver out in that. (I secretly think he loves the attention he gets
Remember that we are all here to listen and advise and that we are all learning. Someone said yesterday that with children it is important to think about what they can do and not what they can't do and i think that is true for all of us!!!
Take care
SB x
Knowing someone is in a similar situation but doing ok is a real comfort.
I suppose in some ways hanging onto the difficult start allows me to feel like I have a reason for not being as advanced as other people. So in a way I am scared to move on into day to day life because I'm scared I will get PND or not want to be home anymore. Its true it has all left me with a lot in my head and physically drained from being poorly, so tired and then the surgery to get over too. You are SOOOOO right thought that its better to focus on what we have achieved and if I think back to 2 weeks ago we're leaps and bounds ahead.
One of the other worries is money.
I'm 'only' getting SMP now and we had planned to sell one car to cover my maternity but its just not shifting. We're now really needing to get it sold but nothing biting. Think we might have to just let it go to somewhere rubbish for a rubbish offer like 'we buy any car'. I've saved by sorting out gas and electricity, sky, insurances etc but its not enough and as soon as I save one thing another bill goes up.
Eventually I know my work will pay me my accrued holiday but I think this isn't until I hit 6 months and right now i'm not sure we'll get that far. Thinking of maybe asking them if they'd advance some of this...you never know!?
Really really think its important to spend some time with my boy whilst he's young so really hope it doesn't come to having to return to work a lot sooner than planned. The irony is that if I do we'd likely sell the car anyway. Hey ho! Perhaps it'll go before Christmas?
I guess we're all struggling financially in some way x
I got burnt a while back job wise so we started trying to put a bit of money aside in case one of us was made redundant but obviously no longer have the money to do that.
Not sure if it helps but I phoned my mortgage people today and there options if you ask such as a payment holiday or changing to interest only for a bit.
The other way is to sell what you can but this can be difficult. I hope it works out for you. x
Make sure you speak to citizens advice or someone to make sure you access all the help you can.
SB x
we asked for help with the travel to his hgv training next week but becuase we organised the training ourselves we're not entitled to any help! his training is for his c class but he wants to do his c+e as that is better money but jobcentre won't help pay for training! he's been promised a job if he can get his c+e... maybe jobcentre would prefer him sit on his arse for months on end doing nowt!
a few months ago i compained to lloyds tsb about PPI on a loan i had with them - got told PPI was compulsory and they refused to give me a quote without it so when i got made redundant a few years ago i couldn't claim as i couldn't get anyone from head office to fill part of the form in - there wasn't anyone as company went into liquidation! i explained this to lloyds but they said unless i could get someone to fill that part of the form out then tough sh*t. Apparently i wasn't missold the PPI...
maybe i'll keep playing lottery - someone's gotta win!
Hope you're ok and something's getting sorted.
I'm starting to feel a bit better and taking each day as it comes. I've discovered that not panicking too much about routine etc is what works best for us. I'm just trying to gently push him into going longer between feeds during the day. At the moment the gap ranges between 1-4 hours in the day and mostly every 2 hours.
He's now sleeping for 8 hours at night though! Woohoo!
Just to let you know we are doing fine but I've decided to take up the offer of talking through my labour and OC with someone from the hospital.
I'm hoping that going over it in the light of day and with an expert will help me see what really happened and prepare me for a future pregnancy with all the extra monitoring and worry.
Touch wood it will be ok. Mostly finding it hard letting go of my water birth dreams x
I wanted to say that talking it through with the hospital is a great idea. I had a traumatic birth with DD (partial abruption, retained placenta and huge blood loss requiring blood transfusion). We never spoke to anyone at the hospital at the time as it hadn't really hit us then but played on our minds a lot over the next year (we still talk about it now and DD is 3 in May). We couldn't face the thought of another pregnancy as we knew I was at risk of the same complications. After speaking to our gp, she suggested we speak to the consultant who looked after us which we did when DD was 16 months old.
This was the best thing we could have done. He went through my notes giving us a minute by minute account of what happened that day and explained everything. Our biggest fear was being pregnant again but the consultant assured us I'd be closely monitored and when I was pregnant with DS, I saw the consultant regularly. Knowing what happened really helped. I would have loved (and still want) another mum to speak to as nobody really understands that fear unless you've been there. I was watching OBEM tonight and it all came flooding back and I was shaking. My husband is great and let's me talk about it when I need to (he was more traumatised than me at the time) and we both agree that being able to hear from the doctors etc is well worth it.
I hope it gives you the answers you are looking for xx
Ps my labour & delivery could not have been more straight forward with DS, only a two hour labour and natural delivery. It was perfect.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your post!
I've been feeling like an idiot or an attention seeker arranging my appointment and feeling guilty that I can't just 'get over it'.
So its really comforting to know that an appointment really helped you through your birth complications and next pregnancy. For me too the next pregnancy (assuming there is one) is quite a big issue.
Whilst people say 'there's not point thinking about it now' I think for us both we need to know that we and our babies would be safe before getting pg again and also knowing what to expect as the additional worry can really impact the pregnancy and the life of your little one too.
I am sorry you went through such a horrid time of it with your first but really glad you were able to feel reassured and understand it a bit better. I try to talk about the experience and do still get very upset but am a bit worried I don't want to force my husband to talk about it if he's not ready. He went through it too so I'm aware I can't push him.