Post Natal Depression

monkey1407 · May 8, 2007 6:51PM

Hi Girls.

This is quite hard for me to do so I apologise if it appears like I am not making much sense.
Me and my partner had our first baby in Oct 06 and he is just coming up to 6 months.
He is a gorgeous little boy and I love him very much.
I for some reason feel that things arent 100% as they should be though. I haven't spoken to anyone about this as quite franly I feel totally ashamed.
I know I love him, but I sometimes find him really hard work, and he isnt even a difficult baby, he can just be a handful, he is in a routine and quite content, but I cant help feeling like I should love him a bit more. I look at him when he is with his dad and he seems happier with him, and his dad seems so pleased to play with him, (my partner works full time and I stay at home with baby) When I cant settle him, or he has a wingey day I sometimes just feel like walking out and leaving him (although I would never do it) I am just confused to why I am feeling this way, I dont even want these thoughts to enter my head.
I had a difficult labour, and when my son was passed to me it wasnt an instant bond, I was in shock, and it took me quite a while to recover from the birth. I had the "blues" for a few days and felt very tearful. But then I just assumed everything was OK.
6 months down the line and I see other mums and feel that their bond with there babies is much stranger than mine.
I cant speak to my partner, we are getting married in a few months and I dont think he would understand, I tell him now I am tired and that I dont always cope but he doesnt understand why, he thinks staying at home with the baby and meeting other mums once a week isnt hard. I have considered going to my GP but I have lost a lot of confidence in them as I still havnt had any after birth support or treatment. I am embaressed and confused, I dont think its obvious how I am feeling, and I dont know what to do for then best.

Sorry for going on a bit. If anyone else has had any similar experiences then I would be pleased to hear it,

Thanks,

Suzaie2 · Apr 23, 2007 10:28AM

Hi Jen, my little man is 5 and a half months, and I suffer with pnd too. Don't be ashamed, you've not done anything wrong to be suffering with pnd. I can tell by your post how much you love your little one. No one can ever prepare you for how hard it is having a baby, and how you are never off duty. Bonding can be a long process, not because you love your son any less, but because we are all different and do things a different way, you are doing things your way. Have you got any friends or family close by that could look after your baby whilst you and your partner had some quality time, or maybe your oh could babysit whilst you went out with your friends, I think he needs to do thisso he realises how difficult it is, my partner didn't realise until we went away a few weeks ago and he saw the work that goes into looking after a baby on a day to day basis. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world without question. could you change your GPs surgery so you can speak to someone you can rely on a bit more? Or are any of your health visitors any good? You should try to speak to someone if you can, maybe a course of medication or couselling would help you? If you don't feel up to doing that at the moment then don't worry, this site is brilliant, the wonderful girlies here have helped me through so much, so come and talk when ever you need too. If you do a search on this site for posts on pnd, or have a look through the baby section then you'll see you really aren't alone, so many women are going through what you are. Take care, and let us know how it's going.x

monkey1407 · Apr 23, 2007 12:47PM

Ah thank you so much. Alot of what you have said made alot of sense.
It wasn't rally that obvious to me what was wrong, its only just really dawning on me, as any doubt I have had before I have just brushed under the carpet, now I am at the point where I feel its getting more obvious. Now I have identified it, it seems like I can't stop thinking about it.
Its hard telling my OH as I dont want him to wonder whether he can trust me with our LO. Also I dont think he would really understand to be honest. I dont want to worry my mum, the health visitors are really rubbish... the only possibility is to swap GP's and go from there.
I have found a website about PND so I have got in touch with them as I hate feeling like this. I wanted a baby so much and throughout my whole pregnany I would dream about how it would be, and it just hasnt been like that, I am not disappointed, I just want to feel better so I can really love my son as much as he deserves.

Thank you so much again x

Suzaie2 · Apr 23, 2007 3:03PM

First time I have ever made sense! It's a big thing to get your head around. Your oh will know what a good mother you are, I am sure he would trust you with you lo no matter what. I think anyone who hasn't suffered from depression finds it hard to understand. I do think if you can talk to your oh then it would be a good idea and you can get some more support, you don't even have to use the words pnd, you could just tell him how low you are feeling, and you need his help more to give you a break etc, that's how I started telling my oh about it. If your GPs have been crap then it's probably worth changing them anyway, and most health visitors are rubbish, I have only ever read a couple of posts on here where people praise them! Also would private counselling be an option for you? It might help you put some of the feelings about the difficult birth. Don't forget you are doing a good job, you've got a happy healthy 6 month old, and you've done that!! Keep us posted with how you are doing. Take care.x

nikki78-46095 · Apr 24, 2007 6:49PM

Hi just read your post and wanted to say how i understand what you are feeling. I was diagnosed with pnd last year and my son was 10mths old. I have found as much as I love my boys it is hard at times, i get upset i'm not the mum i want to be. I fell apart before I went docs and they never made sure my health visitor knew or did i get anyone making sure i was ok. I was offered pills (which i didn't want)and counselling (which i chickened out of) once a month. My husband struggled to understand and found it difficult to know what to do for the best. I didn't have anyone to talk to and was very lonely, i'm still recovering and have bad and good days more good than bad now thank goodness.
Bonding can take time as much as i adore my boys it's when they hug and kiss and love you back is the real heart melter. my youngest is two next mth and i love it now because he sings love you to me and kisses me and if he thinks i'm hurt will be so concerned. try confiding in your mum after all you did't stop being her daughter when you became a mum, she may just be waiting for you to talk to her, my mum didn't want to interfere. Both my sons do the same and are estatic when daddy or my mum comes in, this as my mum explained is because you are there all the time it happens to more mums than u know, it's well annoying.

The reason i ended up on this site was to try and not feel so alone and hopefully make some friends, you are brave for saying how you feel and shouldn't feel ashamed because you've done nothing wrong. I do agree with suzaie he needs to understand how hard looking after a baby is, it's emotionally and physically draining, the hrs are long, no regular breaks/ sick leave!! on the upside it is very rewarding. I found a booklet helpful for my oh to read which clearly explained how i was feeling and positive steps to recovery, men do like to try and fix things which is hard to do because they can't see what is wrong. it has a beautiful poem written by a mum which still makes me cry because it describes the feeling so well. looks can be decieving other mums prob look at you and think similar thoughts. hope you are ok and keep in touch if you ever need to chat then i don't mind listening:\)

nikki78-46095 · May 8, 2007 6:51PM

hi jen, hope you don't mind but was just wondering how you were getting on?

Post Natal Depression

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