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An overwelming urge
I was diagnosed with PND 2 months ago when my son was 8 months old, I'm currently taking anti d's and I am receiving counselling. Before I was diagnosed I was having horrible thoughts about harming myself and that something terrible was going to happen where my son would be taken from me or that I was going to be taken away from my son. These thoughts are gradually fading however, tonight when I was drying the pots, I picked up a knife that was on the draining board to dry and I had this horrible thought about stabbing myself and what would happen. Of course I didn't do it but I'm scared. What if I have no control over it next time? Its like I have these voices in my head telling me everything is going to be ok if I just end it!How awful is that. My son and my husband need me and i'm thinking of ending it all.
I was going to call my husband home from work as I was so scared that I could actually do something like that. I will mention it to my counsellor the next time I see her.
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Replies
Take a deep breath! You are doing so well, it is so hard to have a new baby in your life, let alone dealing with PD aswell.
So tonight you picked up a knife and had thoughts about hurting yourself, the most important thing here is that you didnt and the thought of 'what if', is whats causing you the distress at the moment. Because you are so worried you 'may' self harm suggests to me that you wont and you are currently able to resist the urge to do so. Its really good that you are able to come on here and discuss such a personal issue. You are NOT a bad person, mother of wife, and getting the help you need shows that you are making all the right moves in recovering from this illness. Have you anyone you can call right now? maybe a close relative or friend? Maybe you need to discuss the thoughts returning with your GP or consultant, it may be that your medication needs changing if the thoughts have returned. Dont be scared to ask for more help and support, this is a treatable illness and you will get better.
Sending you best wishes
anna
all the best
anna