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i feel like a failure

i dont know if i am suffering with pnd or not but what i do know is that recently i have started feeling like a failure as a mum.

when my daughter was born almost 7 weeks ago i had her taken off me and put in neo-natal for what i was told would only be an hour to be checked over by a pediatrician. as this is my first baby i didnt know any different and my mw never told me there was any concerns i with her. as i am on my own and was under the impression we were going home 8 hours later i went back to sleep, woke up in the morning and was greated by a hv with some toast who announced my little girl was on neo-natal still and i had to go onto the maternity ward to be handed over as a patient until we were discharged. slightly confused and worried i aked what was wrong with her and was told it was nothing to worry about and i could go down to see her after i had been handed over to the ward.as soon as i had been handed over i had to get in the lift go down 2 floors walk down along corridor to get to neo-natal ( i was in agony but was desperate to c my little girl). when i got there i walked into the room and was led over to a baby who was strapped up to heart monitors and had a drip at first i didnt think it was little girl until i saw her face. i had opted to sleep instead of demanding i went with my little girl and felt so guilty i could only sit wit her for half an hour before i had made myself feel sick with guilt.she was given bk to me that day but taken back to neo-natal the next day.

i didnt think i would have been affected me other than making me angry that i wasnt told what was going on. but about four days ago i went to bed and laid with my eyes closed critising myself for letting her go through that on her own. i critise myself for struggling to get ready before lunchtime as i have no perception of time one minute it is 9 am and then wha only seems lik 5 minutes later its lunchtime. I feel like I cant talk to my mum and as i am a single parent i dont have anyone else to talk to, not that i think i could tell someone i know as i would feel more of a failure than i do already. i feel like everthing i do is wrong and feel worse when my little girl starts crying and i cant tell if she is in pain or if she wants a cuddle.

what do you ladies think? lets see if i can manage to post this as its my 3rd attempt now!!!!!

Replies

  • You're definitely not a failure but it sounds like you've had a really tough start to being a Mum.

    Don't feel guilty about sleeping after the birth - it sounds like they never explained to you what was going on with your little one and once you had more information you were at their side the first chance you had.

    I had quite a traumatic birth (April 08) and although thankfully my daughter came out safely - eventually I was diagnosed with PND when she was 3 months old. My first advice would be to speak to someone - if you can't speak to your mum try the health visitor (I eventually broke down in tears at the baby clinic) because I couldn't cope with the thoughts that continually went round my head. She sent me to the GP who was brilliant and who put me on medication which I took for 6 months and I am off now. Or go straight to your GP.

    If it is PND it can be managed and my GP's major concern was that I started to enjoy being a mum - and he was right!

    Once I admitted I had a problem it was a relief to start getting help!

    Lisa
  • Oh love your story is so sad, it made me cry.
    You have absolutley nothing to feel guilty about but no matter what anyone says, you will! Guilt is the part of motherhood no one warns you about. no one tells you the over whelming guilt you feel from the minute you give birth for the rest of their lives. And the guilt is so pointless because it's over stupid things.
    Of course you opted to sleep, who on earth wouldnt?! And you thought she would be back in an hour. This is entirely the hospitals fault and you need to understand what happened so you can get some closure.
    I suggest you talk to your gp, tell them how you feel so they can get you some support (because I do think this sounds like pnd but I'm no expert) but also tell them you want to go through exactly what happened with the hospital.
    Dont be so hard on yourself lovey, hardly any new mothers are ready to leave the house by early evening let alone morning!
    Your amazing and so so brave for going through all that on your own.
    xxx
  • Gemma, I totally agree with the other two ladies that have posted replies to your message. Please don't think you're a failure, you're not. I remember it took me a while before I was able to be dressed and ready before dinner time as like you say, one minute it's nine am and what seems like five minutes have passed is actually a couple of hours...I can remember the first time I was able to get myself out my pyjamas and dressed and ready by half ten...I was ecstatic and proud of myself !!! You've had a rough start to things and I do think it would be a good idea like the other two ladies have said, to speak to your HV/GP, and let them know how you feel, and let them help you, that's what they're there for. It must be very hard for you to feel that you can't talk to you're mum about this but you're not alone whilstever all us other mummies are here :\)
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