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Help!

I've been trying to keep my head above water since Oscar was born 4 weeks ago, and all of a sudden I feel like It's all got too much. I feel so low and alone which is crazy as I have the most beautiful and precious little boy and a wonderful partner who is so supportive. I started feeling really anxious the day Oscar was born, I thought the whole parenting thing would come so naturally as being a mother is what I've always wanted. We'd had a few problems with concieving and I suffered a miscarriage last January, so when Oscar arrived safe and sound we couldn't have been happier, but I'm just overwhelmed with fear of not being a good enough mum, I feel nervous of going out on my own with him as I've been getting panic attacks. I can relate with what some of you have said about feeling like people are going to judge you, and I dread going out unless I'm with my partner. He is so fantastic with him, and it all does come so naturally for him, and he is so confident. I feel so inadequate and like I'm letting them both down by having these feelings and by being so teary and down the whole time,
I don't know what to do as I'm scared to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling as again I think they will judge me and think I'm a bad mother, I do talk to my partner but only after he's forced my feelings out of me,I find it hard to open up to anyone as I don't want to burden people. I haven't got any close friends where we are living at the moment, and ever since going on maternity leave I've stopped seeing or being in contact with anyone from where I was working.
I have suffered from depression a while back and was on anti-depressants and found it pretty hard to come off them, so my partner doesn't want me to go back on them and I see where he's coming from as they did make me feel emotionally numb, but isn't that the point? I think I would give anything to not be so emotional at the moment!
I just want to be happy and feel normal and enjoy these first weeks with my litlle boy, I just don't know how to.

jen x

Replies

  • Hi, you should tell people how you are feeling, I know its really hard to do but you will feel better if you talk to someone, you don't have to tell everyone how you feel but you should talk to someone. I have pnd and I havn't told everyone as I dont really know what to say but I do have some people I can talk to and it makes it easier. All I ever wanted was children and especially a little girl but when I had my twins 2half years ago I bonded with my son straight away but it took me months to bond with my daughter and I felt like I didnt want her as she used to cry all the time but now I cant believe I could feel like that and I love her so much now. Sometimes you cant help how you are feeling and you just have to do the best you can until things eventually get better. I stay in most of the time unless I go out with Phil but I shouldn't really as it is no good for the kids or me. I hope you are feeling better soon and I'm sure you are a wonderful mummy

    Claire x
  • hi jen,i felt just like you do my baby is 10 weeks and what helped me most was coming on here to chat,im now addicted to this site!! i also admitted to my healthvisitor how i was feelin and she comes round once a week just so ican offload all my troubles onto her,she actually feels like a friend to me now.I know exactly how you feel and know what its like not to want to be a burden to other people,so myheart goes out to you hun but as hard as it is you must try and open up to someone,like i say my healthvisitor is more like a friend now,and day by day im feeling a little more "NORMAL"!!!! Hope you feelin better soon,am here if you ever need to chat or even if you just need a good moan.hope you feeling better soon, becky xx
  • Hi Jen, i have to tell you something, you are being a good mum by admitting that there is a probelm.
    I swear i felt nothing for my lo when she was born, i almost felt sick looking at her because the first thing she done after being sat on my chest was pee all over me. i think it started from then. I just kept saying its peed its peed. I wouldnt say she or my baby, she was an it! Looking back i feel terrible about those first few moments being spoiled by me being stupid.
    We got home and i kept putting on such a good show for people, i was the doting mum. I wasnt, i hated getting up to her, hated making the bottles, hated changing her nappy etc. As soon as visitors came i handed her over happily so i didnt have her anymore.
    The only thing i would do was go out. I took her everywhere because she slept and it put the day in so much quicker for me. When hubby came home i practically handed her over at the door.
    It all came to a head one morning when lo was 3-4 weeks, hubby was leaving for work and i cried and cried till i woke lo up, i asked him to stay at home but he said he couldnt. He told me to see to the baby, she was crying and i hate to say it but i slammed the bedroom door really hard and said she would be fine. Thats when it hit both of us that i had a really bad problem. He took me to the doc and they put me on anti-depressants. I felt relief immediatly, just telling someone how i felt was so good. I have to say no-one in my family know i have pnd, im too ashamed to tell them as they all think im such a good mum, which i know i am now but they wouldnt understand. They are the type to tell you to get on with things. This dosnt help at all. If you need anti-depressants then you need them. If you had a headache youd take a paracetamol to make it go away wouldnt you?
    Im off my tablets now for a couple of months, i still have bad days but they are very few now and if i feel awful i just come on here and chat to the girls, they are all fab and they feel like my close freinds now.
    Go to your gp and talk or your HV, they will help you.
    Dont forget to come on here, even if only to offload a shit day. xxxxx
  • Thanks for all of your support! It sounds awful but its so reassuring to know that others are going through the same.
    I'm going to go and see my GP and have a chat about everything, also my partner took Oscar to the HV on Monday and had a word with her about how I've been feeling and she is going to come round and see me on Tuesday, so hopefully I can get some support from her. I feel nervous about her coming round, again the whole issue of thinking she's going to judge me but I guess she wouldn't be a particularly good HV if she does.
    I'm so pleased I plucked up the courage to post on here about how I've been feeling, thanks again, you've helped me take the first step to hopefully feeling abit better.

    Jen x x
  • Hi Jen, glad your getting things sorted! Please come back and let us know how things went with the gp and HV. xxxxx
  • Hello Lovely Jenny!

    Girls- I have to tell you something about gorgeous Jenny...she is the kindest, most thoughtful and caring person in the world oh and she's absolutely gorgeous (bitch!) Jenny and I are very good friends and I know that she is an amazing mum and that Oscar is the cutest chunkiest monkey and a very lucky one to have Jenny as his mummy, oh and Ant as his dad (even if he does like golf). Jenny and I used to work together, then I moved away and she followed me (I just cant get rid of her) but then I had to move back just before Joshua was born last yr!

    As i said yesterday Jen nothing can prepare you for being a mum no matter how much you wanted Oscar...remember all thos lunches we sat there talking about how we couldnt wait to be mummies! I didnt feel a rush of love for Joshua when I first saw him, I was so tired all i wanted to do was sleep sleep and sleep! I didnt have PND but it sort of felt like it the thing that got me through those f**king baby blues was Ian and his GSOH he was my rock. I wish I hadnt had to move back home cos we would have been the yummiest mummies ever! Anytime day or night you can call me, I know its not the same as face to face. You will be ok, one day at a time, it gets easier and easier, youve come on here which is the 1st step.

    We love you lots and lots and miss you loads xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx
  • Oh Vicky i wish i had a friend like you for support. x
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