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Can you help?

Hi ladies,

I'm after some help. I wish things were different and that I didnt feel the need to have to post here. I am an active user of this site, and would say I am pretty popular in the Born in March forum.

I had my little boy March 2nd, everything was very straight forward, pregnancy was a breeze and labour from start to finish was 3 hours 55 minutes. When L was crowning I suffered a very bad third degree tear, and was quite quickly rushed off to theatre for an epidural for stitching, although I had managed to do the whole labour and delivery with not an ounce of pain relief. While I was in theatre I remembered watching the clock tick by and did the same in recovery. Due to this I missed my son being dressed, having his first bottle and nappy change. My husband was left holding the baby so to speak, while I was helpless. I mention this as I dont know if this could be a reason to the way I feel now.

I feel lonely, sad, angry etc. I feel like nobody gives a hoot about me, doesnt care. I dont feel appreciated, and feel like I do everything all the time. My husband has said many a time that 'your just not the same person anymore' I thought it was him with the problem, until of late. I cant stop crying, getting upset and angry of the silliest of things. I always think I could be a better mother to L. Have I got PND? Why do I feel like this? I have thought about going to the doctors, but just cant get the courage to go. I tried explaining to hubby the other day about the way im feeling, he didnt really listen, well he didnt respond, he obviously listened as he called me loopy during a few cross words the next day. If he can say that what would others think? We always said we would try for another baby this month as having 2 so close together would be lovely. Hubby made the descision that this wont be happening, I never asked why, but I know deep down the answer.

L suffered with severe colic for the first 13 weeks of his life, he never stopped crying, it was terrible. I have a few memories of them days when it got so bad. I remember sitting on the sofa crying while L sobbed, I remember making up bottles in the kitchen while L lay in his moses basket on the floor crying his lungs out. I never slept, I still dont. L is now 10 months old and is still having a bottle in the night, the HV tells us he shouldnt be having this, trying to get him off it is a nightmare, he just screams and screams until he has it. Also again, I dont know if this has anything to do with how im feeling.

I wouldnt say I have alot of support around me. My husband works away 2 days (including the night) a week. I am a SAHM. Its just me and L.

Any advice would be brilliant. I feel sort of ashamed its got this bad. I wish it hadnt. I dont really want to go down the root of tablets etc, I just wish someone would listen, take me seriously, and not take the micky out of the fact im feeling so low.

E x


  • Oh lovey, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like this. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of responsibility and blaming yourself for things. I have to to admit myself to feeling like I have antinatal depression and can identify with some of the things you have mentioned.

    First off, I told my hubby how I was feeling and like you a few days later he threw it back at me in an argument and I felt so upset and angry at him. I've come to realise that men just don't 'get it' and they are not great at dealing with stuff like this. Ask them to mow the grass etc and they are great. But interpersonal skills are not their strong point.

    There are a couple of things that you should consider...

    1. Post traumatic stress can take months to appear and by the sounds of it, you are starting to work through your feelings of what happened at the birth. You need to allow youself to recognise the trauma you went through and the dissappointments that you felt - it is normal don't be so harsh on yourself.

    2. Don't assume that OH reluctance to have another baby is your fault. Look at the bigger picture. It would of been awful for him to see you suffer like that and he can still see that you need time to recover even now. Despite appearances he is probably trying to protect you from more stress. Its just that they are not good at communicating their feelings. Plus deep down he probably feels responsible and bad for the fact that he isn't there all the time to support you. Which will make him reluctant to add to your workload. When the time is right, it will happen naturally and you will also feel happier in your relationship too.

    3. Your LO is still very young and needs his mummy more than some. He has had a rough few months with colic and is still learning his routines etc. Another pregnancy when you are not feeling your best will add pressure in so many ways. Sometimes an age gap of a few years can be good, because you can really appreciate the precious baby time and it goes so quick.

    Finally, PND is nothing to feel ashamed about. The bottom line is, is that you have had some rough months and very few would escape these feelings given the circumstances. Talk to your GP you will be surprised at how supportive they are. A good GP will see that this is symptomatic and would probably reccommend something such as CBT cognitive behavioural therapy, to help you establish ways of coping better and getting back to your usual self.

    Remember, you are not a bad mummy or wife, but you simply have had a stressful time and things will get better.

    I hope this helps. Good luck and sending you hugs

    Hazel (DiM)
  • MrsH, sending you love and hugs. I will respond properly when I'm having a more positive day


    P.S Haze you're very good at this image

  • Thanks for the reply Hazel, alot of that makes total sense, and its made realise a few things, you have good words. Thanks too MA, hope you feel better and more positive soon, just knowing you didnt read and run is a great comfort.

    I am having such a positive day today, its days like these when i think, could there really be a problem, but still this morning I had that moment where I could of cried for no reason. I dont know, its a funny thing. Still havent plucked up the courage to talk more to hubby though. I was hoping he would of mentioned it by now, I think he is ignoring it, as he cant be bothered to get into it. I love him so much, but I just wish he would open up more, that way maybe I would feel able to do the same.

    E x
  • One thing I found useful when talking to my husband was going through my answers to the Edinburgh PND test with him. I'd done it online when I realised things weren't right. I sat him down and showed him all my answers. But I made clear that he had to just sit and listen, not start debating each question. I think at the end of it he was quite shocked by how bad it was, but then we had a good talk.

    Glad you had a positive day in the main today
  • Thanks for the reply gemgems, might have a look see if I can find something like that.

    E x
  • Hey hunnie,

    Have just spotted this and didn't want to r&r. I cannot speak from experience, and have no real understanding of how hard it is to deal with pnd, but I do know from the many months of us talking and waiting for our lovely babies that you are a fab mummy and a wonderful wife.

    Although you say L birth was relatively easy, it may well have been but because of your tear you were deprived of those first few precious moments with your son and that is obviously going to stay with you, as we all wait such a long time for our lo's to arrive and we all have an ideal image in our head as to how thing are going to be, and if they dont turn out that way you will obviously be disappointed and maybe resentful of how things turned out. You cant change what happened but need to try and come to terms with it and try and find a positive for every negative that you feel about your birth experience.

    Having a baby is a big life changing experience and it can be lonely at times, as I too have found that some of my friends almost seem to have dropped me, or have very little to say to me now that Scarlett is here. But please dont feel lonely, sad or that no one cares, I am sure all the BIM girls all care, and you can always email me and I will give you my number for a chat if you are feeling lonely, we shared so much in our pregnancys that I hate the thought of you feeling that no one is there for you.

    As for hubby not caring or understanding, men are a funny species, they find it really difficult to communicate their feelings and I am sure your hubby is concerned about you and just doesn't know the right way to communicate this to you in the right way, they like to go off in their cave rather than get out there and deal with it. He probably just cant tell you he is worried about you, and by putting off ttc againg as he just doesn't want you to have the extra stress of a newborn, particularly as L suffered terribly with colic, and he would have seen how distressing that was for both you and L.

    Dont feel ashamed of how you are feeling it is perfectly normal, and you perhaps dont need tablets just a professional ear, who may have some coping strategies to help you through this patch. To be honest you have already taken the first step by realising there is something not quite right and by coming on here to talk about it. As I have always said a problem shared is a problem halved. I would say pluck up the courage hun get an appointment at the doctors and take it one day at a time.

    Please please dont feel alone and sad, as I said before email me if you want my button is on.

    Big hugs to you.

  • Hey XMrsHX,

    I said I'd be back...may have taken me a week but here I am image

    I lurk in BIM too as although my little madame showed up 5 weeks early, I was due in March so although I'm not a big poster there I like to hear how everyone is doing. I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling.

    My daughter was 6 months before I recognised in myself that I wasn't right, she was 7 months before I talked to my husband about it and 8 months before I was brave enough to drag my backside to the doctors. If you haven't already then I really think you should do the same and book to see your GP. It wont automatically mean medication if that's not what you want, there are talking therapies available if you prefer instead of/alongside medication. You may find that simply saying it out loud to a health profession who has experience of it helps you no end anyway. If your GP isn't approachable, then the HVs are a good alternative (assuming they're nicer than the doctors which I know not everyone is lucky enough with!).

    I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive husband, but at the end of the day he is a man and he simply doesn't get it. If I'm having a bad day and crying he keeps pushing asking what's wrong and that there isn't a problem, he doesn't understand that some days I need to cry just for the sake of crying. In our house gender roles are reversed in the sense that he likes to talk through feelings whereas I close down and hate talking about what's going on...something I'm trying to be better at to help me get better. Anyway with regard to putting off trying for another baby we're doing the same too. We planned to ttc when LO turned 1 (less than a month away), but I simply can't imagine how I would cope with 2 when some days I can't cope with 1! You really shouldn't take it personally, I'm sure your hubby has your best interest and health at heart, even if he isn't able to express that. If you think about it yourself, I'm sure you'd prefer to be on top form when baby2 arrives so you fully enjoy your growing family? Use it as motivation to get yourself better?

    How are you feeling this week? Please speak to GP or HV if you haven't already hun, sooner you get yourself help the sooner you can get better. PND is an illness and it's not your fault you're feeling this way.

    Lots of hugs to you, let us know how you're doing.

  • Thanks for the replies La-La and MA.

    This week ive had such a better week. Ive kept myself busy, started a healthy mind course on Tuesday to help me with the way im feeling, and you have to talk about whats on your mind in a group, the ladies are lovely and to be honest they have been through so much more. It was nice knowing that I'm not the only one to be feeling like this. I also took L to a stay and play group on Wednesday and another group on Friday - bumps to babes, he loved it all. Plus hubby only did one night away, so he was around to help out. L is sleeping so much better too, so maybe that has helped?

    I just dont want to keep feeling like this, so really hoping this group helps. If I dont feel it is, then I shall go to the doctors to discuss other things.

    Really appreciate all the advice and support, I think when your feeling so low,someone there is always a great comfort.

    E x
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