Man who needs help and advice......My world has fallen apart.

My world has fallen apart. Everything I have wanted and dreamt about has gone! I was with my fiance for nearly 11 years and I have never loved anyone as much as I do for her.



Our gorgeous baby boy was born last year November 2010, it was one of the best days of my life. Along with getting engaged two years ago. We have been living in a one bed apartment for nearly 6years. We always knew that we were out growing our home. Even more so when our baby was born.



Money being the main issue that we weren't able to move or buy somewhere bigger. I have never been good with money and had ran up credit cards throughout our time together. This is one of a few issues we had in the relationship.



On the 2nd September 2011 after going for a drink with her sister my world came back home and told me that she couldn't be in a relationship with me any longer and she was moving out with our son. Which she did two days later.



Everything I knew and had was leaving me. To this day I have cried and cried and cried. I have told her day after day that how much she means to me and how much I want her back but she has just said she can't do it.



I have never been a good talker and throughout our 11years relationship I have been very up and down as a person. When I was a 8 year old boy on Xmas eve me and my sister went to shop to buy sweets. My sister didn't make it home as she was knocked over and killed. I ran home but couldn't open the door to tell my mum what had happened. I stood outside the front door crying. After a while I went in and told my mum what had happened.



My sister was on life support for a week but the doctors couldn't do anything so the life support machine was switched off. My mother returned home and was heart broken as was everyone one else in the family was. My mother looked me in the eyes and said to me..."It's your fault your sister is dead" I have lived with that pain for the whole of my growing youth and adulthood.



It was only this Friday that after losing my dream I called my mum and said I needed to talk. I told my mum that as 8 year old you blamed me for my sister's death and that it had affected me as a person and the way I have been scared to open up and talk to the people who I loved.



She was shocked and heart broken. I explained that because of what she had said to me as a 8 year old I couldn't open up to my fiance and was always living in pain.



I am/have dealt with his now that I have spoken to my mum about this. It was only because my fiance has left me that I felt that I had nothing more to lose.



I don't feel any closure from it. I just feel pain that I have lost the girl of my dreams.



It has affected my work to the point where I have been pulled up and members of my team have told my line managers that they are carrying me and I'm not doing my job.



I have no leg to stand on because It's true and members of the public have made complaints against me. I work shifts which has affected the relationship and I believe is one of the main factors to us ending. I would finish work and come home and spend time on the laptop or watching TV. My fiance was begging me to talk to her to open up to her for years but it went on deaf ears.



She would talk to me and I would more or less blank her.

I can see now it was only a matter of time that she would die inside and couldn't take anymore.



Our baby in the first few months and even now is hard work. He had suffered badly with colic and constipation and didn't and still doesn't sleep well or all the way through the night.



I can see that my fiance is tired physically and mentally with everything. While on maternity leave she was made redundant. Looking back I didn't or haven't supported her much through anything. I have been lost in my own issues and left her to sort all of her problems herself.



She is a very clever gorgeous girl and was able to find a job within a few weeks. She has returned to work only a few weeks now. Since starting her new job I had a friend who knew how gutted I was about our relationship ending that she felt she needed to tell me the info she had.



She told me that my fiance (I suppose ex-fiance/girlfriend) had been mailing and texting another bloke. I felt sick and didn't know what to do. I just wanted to end my life there and then.



I had to confront my fiance about this which she said was all lies. I begged and begged her for hours to tell me the truth and in the end she confessed that she had been texting and mailing a bloke who had a partner. They had been contacting each other for over two weeks. She said that he blew her out after her testing the water with him and that she was confused and mistook their friendship for more than it was after he made her feel good, listening, making her laugh and smile. Things I hadn't done for a long time.



All I am getting from her is her saying we have a gorgeous boy... which I know..... together and that is the best thing to have come out of the relationship.



I keep asking myself.....why would she give me another chance??? why would she??? if all she can go on is the past history of us!!???



She admitted that she had feelings or felt she had feelings for someone else. It will only take someone who will show her what I haven't given shown her for them to start friendship to lead into a relationship.



I am a mess and feel so lost.

Posts

  • wow...what a long message. I totally symapthise with how you are feeling. I am speaking from a womans point and as a mother. I think that your long term partner and mother of your child has acted slighty, well not slightly..very irresponsibly actually. Rather than texting the 'other man' or speaking about your relationship to her sister. She should have been speaking about it to you. I can understand that you say you are not too good about feelings or expressing emotion..alot of men aren't..so you are not alone hun....believe me. Re: her feeling flattered by the attention she was getting from the other man, or thought she was getting, could have just been possibly something to do with the emotions of having a young child to care for, feeling tired and possibly feeling ever so slightly uncared for by you...I am so sorry about you living with the guilt of your sister dying however. Yes, your mother was wrong to blame you. But, during times of grief it it the ones closest that we hurt the most. The ones we love and care for the most...your mother was grieving..but so were you and the rest of your family. Your mother was possible just venting her grief at someone and you just happened to be there! I really think you should have some counselling about this though as you have lived with it along time and has had a huge effect on you as an adult. Your gp will be able to help you re: this issue. Go and make an appointment and i am sure you will find it alot of help to speak to someone. Re: your relationshop RELATE are great....google it for your local one and possible see if your ex would go anlong and speak with you, to someone about your issues etc. Also, in the meantime you could write a list of all the things you would like to say to your partner or even write her a letter. Tell her all the things you put on here..how you feel etc, about why you feel you can not open up about feelings. It is alot easier sometimes to write down everything than to say it. You have been together along time hun..I am sure she loves you deeply. After all, you have a child together and maybe she has just moved out for a bit of breathing space for a while. Maybe, she and you will feel alot better after a bit of a break..you never know!!! All the best to you..chin up
  • It's been over two months now and my head is still a mess. I have massive ups and down days. I just want to be stable. Nothing has really moved forward for us at the moment.



    She is still at her mother's house and i'm left still looking at the 4walls in our apartment. I feel sick and can't eat at all. I'm not making myself ill just not hungry at all.



    Last week I asked if she was free after work to go for a meal/drink which she agreed. I took her to somewhere where she always talked about. It was a really nice place and food was good. Throughout the evening I I didn't mention "us" just tried to talk about life baby etc....



    I was getting frustrated though....This was something that I did in the past whereby I wanted to say/tell her but didn't and I always hated myself for not talking about it or my feelings. So at the end of the evening I decided to open up.



    I told her that I loved her deeply and that I was truly sorry that I was the way I was for so long. - Not talking/listening being that supportive partner that I should of been.



    I tried to explain that because I never really dealt with my past - sister's death I didn't really know how to communicate in the right ways. This lead to me not opening up to her and lying about credit cards etc...



    She explained that now she is out of the relationship she can now see why I had been the way I was for so long. She never could while in the relationship.



    I drove her home and parked outside her mother's and we chatted for a while. Again without trying to lay it on too thick I told her that I loved her and wanted us to be a family unit again.



    I know she clearly has the message but nothing I say at the moment will change the way she feels. She told me at the meal that she "will always love me" I hate those words.....



    Also that she isn't in love with me sexually. I suppose you need to feel those feelings for someone to be with them.



    While sitting the car she continued to say that she was proud of me.....which I didn't question for some reason......I should of asked what she meant by that..... and that she really enjoyed the night.



    I know I shouldn't be looking into this at all as it means nothing. She did open up a little to me throughout the night explaining about somethings in her life new job etc.... also that she had attended the doctors and is now on an antidepressant drug.



    She explained that at present this is making her feel really ill but will continue to take and hopefully lift way she is feeling.



    My family and her family and all our friends and massively shocked by what is going on between us. They all know how much I love her and wanted to marry her.



    My mother helps with looking after our baby three times a week and decided to have our boy all day Thursday and night as well as Friday day. This was allow her to get some sleep.



    On the Friday morning she texted me saying she had the best sleep ever and slept like a log..... and felt so awake and didn't feel sick.



    I could sense she was a bit more alive. Yesterday 05/11/11 her and sister have gone to Manchester for the day and night for a break away. I had the baby all day, took him swimming which he loves and had a nice day also with my little brother my baby's his uncle....



    I felt sick after I dropped my little boy off as he was staying at his nans - my now ex mothers. I starting to do the not to do thing and thought I bet she is full of smiles having a good time. She likes a drink. She is a gorgeous girl and I know men will show her attention.



    This is something which has always has happened. I understand there are men out there who make it a point of orbiting women looking for a "single" one to land on.



    She has told me that she is single now and will speak to other men and if she felt that she wanted to see or date - go for a drink with them she would. I feel her sister isn't helping this situation really.... I know deep down she means well but I feel that she is giving my ex the wrong advice....

    I found out a few weeks ago that she took my ex out and they started to speak to a bloke and at the end he wanted my ex's number so instead her sister gave my ex's email address for him to contact her.



    Which he did do asking her out for a drink....



    I don't know if they have met up or not. Something I try not to think about.



    I am confused massively as I don't know where this whole thing is going. We had been together for nearly 11years, were engaged and have a little boy together who isn't even one yet!



    She tells me that she loves me but doesn't know what she wants... Her words.... "I'm not telling you to wait for me nor am I telling you to move on.... At the moment I just can't be in a relationship with you"



    This is messing my head even more so.... I have asked her to explain this but she doesn't know her self....She said if it made me feel better or helped me she would say its 100% over.... but she continued by saying she doesn't mean that and right now she can't be with me and doesn't know if that will ever change.



    Questions:

    1) How do you get someone to fall back in love with you?

    2)What should I do with her sister?

    3) How/what do I do now?

    4) Will she show me signs that she wants to give me another chance?



    There is so much I want to say on here but will stop as I maybe boring a lot of you out there!



    I see my errors and ways over the years now. I'm not sure if I have missed the boat now!? Again I ask the question to myself why would she give me another go?



    She has said to me that she has seen changes in me already... Over the next few months I will be selling my car and working some extra hours which will clear off my loan, overdraft and credit cards in one whole sweep!



    This I know is a massive plus for me and will show that mean business.



    I can't make her be with me all I can do is show I am making changes and becoming a better person. Communicating more which she so badly wanted.



    Thank you once again for reading/listening
  • At the end of the day relationships are never easy and do require a lot of commitment from both sides. You have clearly emphasized how you feel about her but don't seem to have determined how she feels in return, e.g. does she love you more like a brother than a partner?



    Again you've started making an effort to say how much she and your son mean to you but are you making the effort to show her, simple things like flowers or chocolates when you visit or helping your son draw a picture.



    The same goes with her family, you can say what you feel but you also need to show them you mean it, make the time to be there for your son and should she choose to join you all the better.



    Lastly, and probably the hardest part to say, do you love her enough to let her go? If you truly love a person then the best you can ask for is their happiness, even if it means seeing them happy with someone else. Yes it will hurt for a time but it will hurt a lot more to continue living a lie together with one or both of you unhappy.



    Best wishes at this difficult time, take some time for yourself with your own friends and family, I'm sure you'll find your feet soon.
  • Further update.......



    It's been over 3 months now and I would say I am only 75% myself.



    The first 2 months I must say have been one of the most testing of my life. I have missed my son and ex dearly. Even though I have seen them both several times each week it's not the same.



    I miss the hugs the small kisses night etc.....



    This time apart I have made so much changes for me and for a possible future with my fiance again.



    I have sold my car and cleared off the loan, sorted my overdraft and the small credit card balances will be gone by the new year. I feel good about this but it hasn't put everything right yet.



    I have done a lot of soul searching, finding out why I was the way I was for so long. I wasn't happy with myself..... So how could I have been happy in our relationship??? I have realised that I needed to love myself before I could even give/show love to the people who are close to me.



    Over the past 2 weeks or so everyone around me has said that I have changed....they can see the difference in me. It hasn't been easy...but nothing in life worth having comes easy...... another lesson learned.



    I have had to dig deep into the core of my soul for the answers.....question myself over and over to get more answers.



    I have spoken to so many people I wouldn't be surprise if you have heard my story already as I have spoken to friends and family around the world for support and their advice.



    My ex fiance means the world to me and always will. She is a true angel.



    I have noticed a small shift towards me from her. She has started to text me a bit more call a bit more and we are hanging out as a family a bit more. We (Well I) have enjoyed the time together, she has too as her family has said so. I know I can't jump the gun and think that we are back together and everything will come out smelling like roses!



    I have never been so serious about anything in my whole life. She is the girl of my dreams. She is everything I guy could wish for. She has everything and so much more!!!



    We spent the whole Saturday together as a family. We only planned to spend a few hours in town to get a few things for our son's first bday next week and a few things for xmas etc. In the end we spent over 8hrs together.



    I didn't put any pressure on her about us and the situation I just went with the flow. This weekend we will be attended a friend of the family daughter's christening and we both have time off work next week to share our son's first bday together.



    I am really enjoying our time together again. I hope she is too!?



    If I am honest I am scared she is thinking this is so nice, "we can be friends and get on, this is the way forward" I want to be back in her life again full-time with our son.



    When she finished with me I put in a transfer request for my job. I couldn't bear seeing her with another bloke together in a relationship with my son.



    It would kill me......



    Over the past few days she has been questioning my actions about moving away......Saying.....What about our son....you will be working for 6days or more then having to travel back to see him for a few days before having to go back.....She continued by saying I won't have a life and I won't be happy. I do believe and hear what she is saying but I feel hurt......



    I sent her a text message the other night after doing some much needed extra sou;-searching and this was her reply......



    "That's great (.....my name.....)

    I'm absolutely made up for you and always knew you were in there, I'm relieved and so happy you can see/feel that now.

    We had to go through this for you to know and experience this.

    (.....our son's name......) is even more lucky than he was before to have the new (......my name......) as his daddy xx



    This message has confused me so much and as a very deep thinker I have tried to break-down, analysing every single word within her text....



    I seriously don't know what to make of it......is she saying.....glad you are finding yourself and our son is lucky that his dad is on the mend......or is she saying it for her to but focusing it on to our son bur deep down she is happy inside too and she is also getting back the person she always knew was in me!!!???



    Overall its been over 3 months that we haven't been together officially. Approximately 5 months unofficially.

    We haven't slept together for nearly a year.



    Before ending us she said that she wasn't in love with me but loved me.



    Could this be changing????



    Thank you for taking time out to read this......Sorry to the people who have fallen asleep also.
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