PND 8.5 months on

Hello all,

I have finally come to terms with the way I feel and accepted that it is not normal. I can't function like it any longer. I built up the courage yesterday to go to see my dr. She thinks I have PND and anxiety. She has prescribed me some anti depressants. I'm a bit worried to take them as she said the side effects can make you feel worse for around 2 weeks. 

Has anyone battled PND without medication? I have avoided my issues for the past 6 months, in the hope that it would go away. I battled with depression when I was younger, and after numerous daily overdoses (many went unknown to my family and dr, as of course, I am not dead), I think the dr's put it down to hormones. I don't feel I ever truly recovered. Although I did get myself a job, went to college and made friends etc. Part of me just never recovered.

When I first had my LO, of course I had a gush of baby blues, but nothing that pushed me to to drs. My OH sadly suffered depression, due to leaving his home and family behind (100 miles he moved when our baby was born) and being in a new job he hated. I occupied my time trying to find him a new job, tweeking his CV etc. I suppose it took the attention away from the dark cloud that was coming over me. 

For the past 6 months I have felt so trapped in my own little dark world. My life is so much of a routine that I go to sleep at night, dreading waking up to my 'stepford wife' of a life. None of my friends bothered keeping in touch, I am living in a town I hate. I feel I cannot go out, because something happened along time ago, I won't go into details, but I fear I will bump into people who triggered my depression when I was younger. I feel like such a prisoner of my own home. The world just seems different, before I had my LO, I saw the world as having a bit of hope, I had ambition, and now I feel nothing but sadness. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is that it means I am a day closer to being a happier version of myself. I hope to move away next year, go to Uni like I planned before my LO, but then I worry that won't send the dark cloud away.

I feel so anxious about everything now, I crawl into bed, and I no its ridiclous but I convince myself that I have left the keys in my door on the outside, or ive left the hob or oven on, or the iron. I try to usher away the thoughts but I find myself breathless and unable to think of anything else until I check it. I was standing near a hill top the other week at a tourist attraction, it was completely safe, had secure fencing etc. But I had a horrible feeling inside that someone was going to come and take my baby and throw him off. Totally absurd, but I couldn't stand near there, I had to walk inside the building. I don't want to feel like this.

I love my little one to the world and back, and I wouldn't change having him. I feel guilty for him, cooping him indoors all days because I won't go out, because I talk myself out of it. I struggle to play with him, I just feel such a mess and failure and he deserves more then this from me.

Spoke a little bit too much but I really struggle to speak to people face to face about my issues. 

x