What is wrong with me?
I found out I was preggers 3 weeks ago today. My husband and I have been trying for 4 years and the first pregnancy, 2 years ago, ended in a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. We had finally made an apt to see a fertility dr, they did blood work and called to congratulate me on my pregnancy, I was in utter shock. For 4 years I have taken test after test and cried that they all came back negative and without even trying that month, we were pregnant. I was so excited, elated to be exact! I wanted to write it in the sky and tell everyone! Then a week later something happened, I wasn't able to sleep that night, I woke up shaking and crying and I didn't know what was wrong. I cried for 2 days straight and couldn't stop, I wanted to die and I wanted the baby to die. All I could think about was getting it out of me, it had to go. The thought of it in me makes me ill. The more I thought those things the worse I got, how could after trying for so long to get my baby back could I then hate it and want nothing to do with it? What the hell is wrong with me, so I cried more and more... My husband was not veyr supportive during those few days and even told me that I needed to shut up or he would punch me in the face. (Yes, I realize how awful that was for him to say but please understand his fear too, his wife who has been crying over not having a baby for years finally has one and she is saying she wants it to die, not something easy to deal with. And no, he has never hit me, nor do I think he ever really would, I do not feel threatened by him, he just doesn't know how to cope.) The doctors said it was a side effect of an antibiotic that I was on for an ear infection so I stopped taking it. A few days later I felt kinda human again and was able to think again but the disinterest in my baby continues. It has been nearly 2 weeks from that melt down and I am again back to those feelings. They are not as strong or all consuming as they were those few days but they still exist and I don't know how to handle this. I was prescribed xanax over the years for panic attacks and I have taken 2 just to be able to cope with getting out of bed and showering. (I know how bad xanax is but what the hell else can I do? They are .25mg and not very strong at all.) I have no interest in this pregnancy and I want to, I think. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I haven't been able to function. I haven't been to work in nearly 2 weeks...
It is everything I can do to get out of bed and force myself to eat something... I want to want this baby because I know the normal me does, I want to do right by it and love it but I just cannot bring myself to care. I find myself just sitting here staring at the blank wall, unable to do anything. Nothing makes me happy, I just want to find a rock to crawl under and die.
Has anyone ever had this? What do I do? Who can help me? What is wrong with me???
Replies
I have never felt this way, but from reading your story, I can't help thinking that perhaps a possible reason is that because you have Been trying for so long and because you had a previous miscarriage that possibly underneath you are really frightened that this pregnancy could go wrong and rather than enjoying your pregnancy and relaxing, you are subconsciously wanting it to end and therefore won't cause you as much heartache if you were to carry on and something happened
. It must be heartbreaking for you. You don't mention how far on you are. I would strongly advise talking to your gp and midwife first as they may be able to provide medicine and/or counselling. You may also benefit from some relaxation classes such as yoga for pregnancy and aqual natal classes. These may help you recognise your changing body and help you to relax and get in tune with your baby. Hope this helps and will be thinking of you 
I think that every woman handle this situation in their own way. You wanted it so much that when it finally comes, you're just scared. It's like passing the bachelor exam, you wait the diploma so much and for so many years but just before the final exams arrive you're just scared. Don't worry for that, just think like you will success and the only one thing you need to do to pass is to wait then don't worry. Whatever happens, you will success