A bit of MY news - updated in OP
. . . following on from AR's BFP thread and people thinking it was me, thought I would update you on where I'm at.
Jemima is now 2.5 years old. I always said I wanted a 3 year age gap and stopped taking the pill a couple of months ago at my husband's request BUT we have not been DTD unprotected in that time as I have been getting myself all upset at the thought of being pregnant/delivering/having a newborn again.
For those who don't know me from Hitched, Jemima was born in a 90 second c-section at exactly 30 weeks (or 29+4 by my dates) weighing 2lb 12oz following a placental abruption and spent almost two months in special care.
I was "fine" when she was in hospital and have kept telling myself that the feelings of sadness/anxiety/terror relating to pregnancy/newborns would diminish over time and I would "get over it" and go on to have more children.
unfortunately that hasn't proved to be the case. While the country celebrated the birth of the royal baby, I spent two day on the brink of tears, feeling incredibly sad we were not congratulated on our daughter's birth, people were understandably very shocked (as there was no warning) and didn't want to act insensitively, but more importantly, that my baby spent the first night of her life, and many nights after that, on her own. That constant knot is my chest still physically comes back and certain triggers - like the royal baby being discharged - had me physically shaking and crying . The feelings about being separated from my tiny baby every night are as fresh now as they were then. I relive that time over and over in my head. Not good.
Anyone who knows me would be very surprised to know/hear any of this as I have tried really hard to bury these feelings and move on over the last 2.5 years.
Anyway, having spoken to two of my prem mummy friends at length, I have made an appointment at my GP for this Thurs to discuss being referred for some sort of counselling.
i haven't told any of my family about this or anything, I'm actually dreading it because I'm embarrassed because my daughter is absolutely healthy and I don't know what to say. Know I have to go though
So we went to see the GP at 1.30pm and she was lovely. I managed to get a rambling version of the story out and within three minutes she said: "You need counselling. This is not a medication issue." Of which I was very relieved and at which my H immediately piped up: "Oh no, defo not a medication issue. I used to work in mental health and she's very definitely not depressed." That was my biggest fear really, that they would just palm me off with anti Ds to try and get rid of me. Not that it would have made any difference because my H has already said I can just go private but let's see where we get after this initial appointment.
So she's going to refer me to a psychologist, rather than a counsellor, in the first instance and ask her to assess me and the recommended path. She said she thinks it's likely to be post traumatic stress which will require Cognitive Something-or-other therapy but she is not an expert so she will leave me with the experts.
She ended by saying I need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself permission to feel this way Should only take 3 weeks to get an appointment too, which is good.