Finding out the gender.

Initially H and I said we wouldn't find out. Now he wants to, but I still don't. Anyone been in this situation? What was your solution? 

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  • What's his reasons for changing his mind? Personally I think if one of you doesn't want to then you shouldn't. But we aren't finding out and didn't with N either. I love the guessing!

  • I love not knowing too!

    And I think to wish to NOT know trumps that of the person who does want to know. Because you'll learn the sex at birth, it won't be a secret for ever, whereas once you've been told it you can't 'unlearn' it, and pregnancy is a long time to wish you'd done it differently.

    But anyway, when this came up before there were several people who had been in a similar situation so hopefully they'll be along soon :)

  • I think if he wants to know perhaps the sonographer could write it down for him.  I think both parties have just as much right as the other in terms of knowing or not knowing, and if he is prepared to keep the secret until birth or you change your mind, why stop him if it really matters to him?

    We were the opposite and H didn't want to know, but I did.  He changed his mind when we were in the scan, but wasn't about to stop me finding out as I really needed to know.

  • Hmmm, I'm not sure I could do that Wispa.

    I wanted to know a bit but C absolutely didn't want to know. We didn't find out as his feeling was way stronger about it than mine.

    However, even if i really wanted to know I think we'd have had to agree on it. I could t bear knowing something about my baby that he didn't, and I wouldn't want it the other way either. It just wouldn't feel right to me.

    RC I hope you can agree on it.

  • Thanks Ladies. He doesn't know why he's changed his mind. I said he could find out but not tell me, but he says he can't do this. So stale mate at the moment. But he has three weeks to think about it!

  • We both wanted to know. Do you think either one of you has a stronger feeling than the other?

    I just had to know. So I disagree with Counter. I would have been very pissed off if I had been prevented from finding out something about my baby just because HE didn't want to know. I would have spent the whole pregnancy wondering and feeling on edge. It's different if you CAN'T know, if the scans aren't available etc, but they are, and I know they are, so I had to find out. You can turn it on its head and say, if you're going to find out anyway then why not a bit early? It's a surprise either way and pregnancy is a very long time to feel like you are being denied information about your own child. I'm not arguing that viewpoint, it's up to the couple, I'm just saying... It works both ways.

    I think if you're happy for him to find out and not tell you, then it's a compromise he may have to be happy with IYSWIM.

  • I don't want to know, H does. I have to get it out of me either by pushing it out of a very small hole, or having a major operation.

    Even he agrees that I win.

  • Toss a coin? ;)

  • Hmm, I agree with saisi entirely.  I NEEDED to know.  

    By the sounds of things it seems your H wants to know, but he also wants YOU to know.  So I think if you definitely don't want to know yet, then he needs to decide for himself whether his desire to know is strong enough for him to find out without you.  As I said before I think both parents should have that choice if it's available, but if he concludes that he would rather not know than know when you don't, perhaps he just shouldn't find out.  It would be like imp said in that she wouldn't have wanted to know without her H knowing, where as I was happy to find out alone.  If he was really desperate to know like I was, I don't think your not knowing would deter him so much.  

    So I think you just tell him that you will not be finding out because you really want the surprise for the birth, but that if he does end up deciding that he would be able to keep the secret from you, it's entirely his decision whether he finds out.  Just as I would have been really peeved if I was told I couldn't find out just because my H didn't want to, if I didn't want to know and he said we had to find out I would be just as upset.  So don't cave if it means a lot to you.  

  • wispa

    By the sounds of things it seems your H wants to know, but he also wants YOU to know.  So I think if you definitely don't want to know yet, then he needs to decide for himself whether his desire to know is strong enough for him to find out without you.  As I said before I think both parents should have that choice if it's available, but if he concludes that he would rather not know than know when you don't, perhaps he just shouldn't find out.  It would be like imp said in that she wouldn't have wanted to know without her H knowing, where as I was happy to find out alone.  If he was really desperate to know like I was, I don't think your not knowing would deter him so much.  

    So I think you just tell him that you will not be finding out because you really want the surprise for the birth, but that if he does end up deciding that he would be able to keep the secret from you, it's entirely his decision whether he finds out.  Just as I would have been really peeved if I was told I couldn't find out just because my H didn't want to, if I didn't want to know and he said we had to find out I would be just as upset.  So don't cave if it means a lot to you.  

    I think this makes a lot of sense! I wanted to know even if H didn't know... but must admit I would have found it hard to keep the secret (so it's a good thing he wanted to know too). So Raincloud, find out whether he wants you to know, or whether he is fine with knowing and you not knowing in theory, but just wouldn't be able to trust himself not to let it slip!

    Wondering also about a possible 'compromise' of him being the first to see when it's born and to tell you? Just a suggestion!

  • You need Monnie, she didn't want to know initially but her hubby did and they did find out, I think it was her anyway.

  • aww RC i feel for you, as TT said this was us exaclty!

    he wanted to know and i didnt.

    but we did find out and im so pleased we did, i love talking to her and knowing shes a little girl. iv enjoyed the shopping and the decorating, and choosing a name.

    i still have a big huge surprise at the end as to who she looks like, if she has hair etc.

    you will find out teh gender eventually so its not a ruined surprise as such, you just get the surprise a bit sooner.

    you dont have to share with anyone else, it could be something you keep to yourselves,

    i love knowing shes my little girl in there, and now i cant imagine not knowing.

  • I'm the same as Monnie, I was keener not to  know but H was adamant he did. In the end I decided it mattered more to him to know than it did to me not to IYSWIM so I found out. If I'd had a very very strong feeling I didn't want to know I probably would have fought it but I'm glad we found out- it was lovely knowing it was a little boy in there and i think also helped my H enormously to connect to the baby when he was still inside me.

    Like Monnie said, so much else was a surprise- we kept the name a secret, and meeting him wasn't any less incredible because we knew his gender :)

  • I wanted to find out, hubby really didn't so we didn't officially find out, but i thought i saw on the scan anyway (im a radiographer but not ultrasound trained) but kept it to myself and didn't say anything to hubby, and i was right, she was a girl. It was nice to have an inkling, but I was by no means sure. Prior to me seeing on the scan our agreement was we wouldn't find out with G but we would with a subsequent baby, and i intend to hold him to that when the time comes! For me its just for practical purposes, will I need to wash all of G's old girls clothes or not?? lol x

  • Thanks all. To be honest if we both know I don't see the point in not telling others, it seems a bit daft to keep it a secret when you know. But I really don't want to know. I think I'll stick my heals in with this one, which I don't do often. But I have always been adamant I won't find out, and I still feel that way. I've told H he can't have it both ways, if he wants to know that's fine but he isn't to tell me (and therefore no one else!). So he's thinking about it.  

  • I think there are a lot of comments on here towards you finding out, but you've quite clearly said you don't want to know. At the end of the day you will both find out eventually, it's not like you are deciding to never find out so if one of you doesn't want to find out and the other wouldn't be able to keep the secret then I think you shouldn't find out. It's not fair on the person that doesn't want to find out as your H will find out, just a bit later. I know the bonding argument can work both ways but you are the one that doesn't want to find out so I don't think it's as valid to you. Just my two-pennies worth anyway. I'm not sure I've explained myself very well but hopefully you know what I'm getting at. X

  • RC it wont work if he finds out and doesnt tell you , he will slip up im afraid, even in conversation just saying she or he.

    its very very easy to do.

    hubby found out a few days before me and slipped up a few times in a few days.

    he found out december 21st and i found out xmas day, he bought a pink outfit and wrapped it up under the tree.

    theres no way he would of made it 20 weeks !

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