Has anyone done couples counselling?

Apologises if this is a little rambly

I don't post much on here anymore but I used to & in between my baby posts I used to rant a lot about my hubby. Well he seems to be getting under my skin even more (we've barely dtd since we had Isobelle & part of it is that I'm too angry with him to relax with him). During the day, yesterday, I'd caught my washing basket handle on the radiator & pulled half of it off & he decided to fix it at 1 this morning resulting in Isobelle waking up & taking me nearly 2 hours to get her to sleep in which time I had a chance to really get myself worked up.

Basically in my head I hold him responsible for ruining big things in our life by not thinking or by his incredibly poor time keeping. I won't go into detail but I feel that he proposed in a stupid way, didn't do the few things he was supposed to do for our wedding day (including arriving in the right city nearly 12 hours later than he was supposed to & getting to our wedding venue less than 45 mins before we were due to get married in his jeans having not showered or shaved yet (I saw him coming in from a loft window whilst my mum was lacing me into my dress).

I feel like I'm a single parent at times as I make all the parenting decisions & have to pack her pack even if we go out for a few hours as he only thinks of himself. If it wasn't for me she'd probably have no clothes or toys & would have be bathed as he's never done it without me saying that she needs 1. On a saturday morning i teach a drama group & when I return home at midday more often than not they've only just finished breakfast & she's still wearing what she slept in. I feel like I have to mother him in that he rarely does any washing or cooking & if he does the shopping (if I've got a lot of work on) I have to make him a list as he seem's incapable of thinking for himself. I have to get him up if we're going anywhere. He never wears a watch (I did buy him 1 for Christmas but he's never worn it) & he's always late for everything. He also doesn't let me know if he's gonna be late or that he says he's gonna do something but doesn't do it but if he'd have let me know I could've done it.

Sorry to rant I'm just really wound up. I've spoke to him about some of these issues - the time keeping & the fact that I feel I have to do everything for our daughter but nothing seems to change & I just feel things are getting worse. I really want to ttc for no 2 but I honestly don't see how I can bring another child into this as I know it'll mean me having to deal with everything (the idea of doing bedtime's with a toddler & newborn by myself worries me). I currently work 2 days a week but as a teacher I usually have to put in a lot of hours at home. Hubby works full time in London but started a new job that he promised would mean shorter hours & these seem to have got longer & longer.

It doesn't help that af is currently visiting or that his parents stayed on Tuesday for us to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in London (they stressed me out beyond belief & we nearly missed the train - had to drive 2 stations further along to catch it - then he spent a lot of time playing on his phone rather than talking to me.

If you've got this far my question is this my problem? Is this something I need to work through. I'm sure I'm being unreasonable blaming him but I just can't seem to put things behind me & move on. My only experience of counselling is when my parents got divorced & it was awful (think 4 quiet children aged 9 -15 with a chain smoking woman who then told our parents different things to what we'd said).

I will talk to my hubby to

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  • I'm sorry that things are still difficult for you BK, I remember some of your earlier posts on the topic and had hoped that things had improved. I have no experience of counselling but I would think it's got to be worth a go, from what you've said things can't continue like this without you getting more and more upset by it and it affecting Isobelle. The journey sounds like a good chance to talk to him and try to explain what you've said here and hopefully he will see the benefit in it.

    If you want to talk IRL, you know where I am, it would be lovely to see you and Isobelle and catch up x

  • Thanks Margot, it doesn't seem to affect me on a day to day basis but when the small things mount up it makes me put it all together. Also I still can't remember my wedding day as fondly in total as I'd like which is a horrible thing to admit. I'll text you next week & come round for a catch up, thanks x

  • Anything that affects you to that extent deserves attention and couples counselling would be an excellent way to go. It *isn't* for couples on the edge, it can make a difficult relationship easier and a great relationship greater!

    It is a safe, calm place to talk about how you feel and to have assistance articulating it to your partner, and also seeing things from your partner's point of view. It also helps the other 6 days of the week (or whatever) because as things arise you know you can 'park it' and raise it at the next session, as opposed to fretting about whether/how to address it between you.

    It is excellent for learning communication skills and understanding each other better. But both parties must be willing to give it a good shot else it could actually build resentment. Do you think he would consider it? It sounds as though it could really help you both.

  • I went  to relate counselling with my ex husband it really helped us, we may have split up but we remained civil with each other and realised we where better of apart. It also meant the issues I had I didn't take into my current marraige. I am not saying split up btw I am just letting you know my experience of relate. Be warned though its tough going and you may not hear things you want to hear, but worth it in the end.

  • I'll reply in more detail later, am at work and about to go for a meeting.

    This time last year we started going to relate. The first session I did on my own as it was me who had the problem, not so much H. It was a revelation to just get out how Inwas feeling and she was very good at listening then summarising my thoughts. Didn't make me feel like my complaints were invalid or unjust. We then had a few sessions together and on our own. It was so helpful to be able to talk in that forum and it totally saved our marriage. In fact I find it hard to believe it was only a year ago.

    I don't think it's all in your head and your problem, something must be making you feel like that.

    I'll try to get on later, in the mean time, big Hug

  • Also, I have counselling on my own. It helps me deal with things way better. Things are super-duper now but I had some anxiety/depression/work issues early 2012 and I liked my counsellor and stuck with it. Even if hubby isn't keen, you could defnintely benefit from someone to talk to yourself. Mine was through a local charity and on a sort of donation basis meaning I pay £20 a session instead of £40-50. To me, it's well worth it.

  • Thanks ladies,

    your responses mean a lot (I'm actually sat in tears - clearly the tiredness doesn't help). My side of the family has always had an issue with lack of commuincation (my mum & I had a big falling out about the wedding & she a few things back at me that had obviously been festering for about 18 years) so my hubby & I had always said we would talk about things but I guess you don't want to tell the full extent as I know it'll upset him. I'm glad to hear counselling has changed since my experience of it. I'm not sure if he'll go for it but it's definietely something I want to down now I've put it down (I was so tempted to delete this thread once I'd written it).

    Looks like it's gonna be a fun car journey.

  • I think counselling would be a great option for you both. You sound just like me and H in the earlier stages of our relationship. You definitely need more support from your H and counselling will allow you to get that across in a calm, rational way. I apologise if this is me speaking out of line, and I don't know how long ago your wedding day was, but it sounds like there are a few issues you may need to let go of. I can totally see why you would be annoyed that your H did that on your wedding day, but he was still there and I assume still on time for the ceremony. It could be a case for choosing your battles and not rehashing the past. I used to do that, resulting in us arguing over every detail to the point where we couldn't see why we were together. Now, I don't sweat the small stuff. My H is the way he is and his behaviour has changed towards the things that really matter to me.

    Again, I apologise if I have the wrong end of the stick. But I wish you all the best and hope it can be resolved. It certainly sounds like it can x

  • Mrs Penguin, thanks for your reply,

    The problem is I don't know how to let go of these things. They didn't ruin the day but the problem is every anniversary, especially in the morning or the night before, I do the whole 'what was i doing this time 3 years ago?' & that's when I feel the anger/resentment bubbling up & I try & ignore it but I always seem to find myself making a snide comment when I don't want to. I know part of it is me & I really want to move on from feeling the same things & remember all the good stuff.

  • As I don't have a smart phone I might not get a chance to reply until Sunday but I really appreciate any useful comments, thanks x

  • I totally get that feeling, and it took me a long time to work on it and that's why I think counselling will be beneficial as it will focus on the right things. Please don't think I'm saying his is all you as it does sound like your H needs to work on things too and give you the support you deserve. I hope he agrees to it, but if not, don't write off going alone. It really is a liberating feeling being able to let go of the small issues. Besides, that in turn gives you more energy to argue the main points ;-)

    Big hugs from over here x

  • Blackkat

    Mrs Penguin, thanks for your reply,

    The problem is I don't know how to let go of these things. They didn't ruin the day but the problem is every anniversary, especially in the morning or the night before, I do the whole 'what was i doing this time 3 years ago?' & that's when I feel the anger/resentment bubbling up & I try & ignore it but I always seem to find myself making a snide comment when I don't want to. I know part of it is me & I really want to move on from feeling the same things & remember all the good stuff.

    I used to be so much like that. I would really hold on to things (negative things) and they hurt me over and over. I would feel the same feelings now as I did then. And it was helping nobody. I am much better equipped now to step away (from myself) and see things from another person's point of view. Seeing my counsellor has helped, I try and imagine what she would say :)

    It's definitely - in my view - a habit that can be broken. You sound ready to put the effort in to see the change, so that's really good!

  • I've no experience of counselling but I couldn't r&r so wanted to send a huge hug.  I also want to reassure you that things are no different in our house but what is different is,  H has always been this way and is/was never going to change so I don't moan because I kind of knew this is how it'd be.  Since we had E six months back the only time I've had away with him in charge is 45mins in the salon, he too doesn't even realise what E needs yet alone what to do with it.  But as I said I'm fine with this,  if you aren't then i really hope you are able to work something out!

  • BK, I'm so sorry to hear things have not got any better. I've no experience of counselling but I'm all for doing anything possible to make a marriage work. Relate might be a good place to start as others have mentioned. I do think you have to try really hard to let go of things (the wedding, proposal, etc are all in the past) in order to make things work. I had an awful meltdown and row with my H earlier this year and he told me I needed to stop bringing up the past and throwing it in his face as it wasn't helping either of us. He was absolutely right. My H also leaves the children in their PJs most of (if not all) the day when he is looking after them on his own. He needs reminding about dinner, baths, stories, milk, bedtimes, etc BUT I'm sure if left to it, they would cope and be more than capable- they are just used to having us wonderful wives around to do it for them or point them in the right direction Laugh

    Have you both sat down and talked about what is upsetting you? Have you had many days or evenings as a couple rather than as mummy and daddy since I came along? This was a big issue for us, we didn't feel like husband and wife anymore so make a real effort now to go out a few times a month together at least. Always here for you if you need to shout Hug

  • Thanks for all your replies.

    My H & I had a long chat on Friday in the car. He really seemed to understand where I was coming from & promised to work on supporting me & coming home earlier. As I was talking to him I think I realise why I hold onto all these things, that they're examples of me not being able to rely on him. He was upset with this revelation but agreed to come to counselling with me so we can get things back on track. It's also true that we don't really have much time as a couple rather than as parents (I spend a lot of time in the evenings on my laptop which I'm gonna stop doing.

    Thanks again, it really helped me to post on here x x

  • That sounds great, really pleased for you. Sounds promising, good luck!

  • I'm so pleased it was a positive conversation BK, hope the counselling can help you both x

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