ILs..what to do if you just don't like them?

Hm, I think I have hit the nail on the head. I just don't like them.

I hear many many terrible IL stories, so many people seem to have problems. With mine there has been on major incident and a few other little niggles but I think the root of the problem is that I just don't like them and once the big thing happened, every little thing bugs me iyswim? They have been so good to B since I met OH, taking us on as their own family but I shouldn't have to put up with FIL being so overbearing and I can't magically flick a switch to make myself like the  MIL. I don't want my children arouind FIL at all but I can't stop it as that is unfair (although according to OH he is on last warning anyway). I don't want it to be like this :o(

How do you handle this? How do you handle being around people that you have to be around who in other circumstances you wouldn't make time for/want to be with?

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  • I know exactly how you feel. I have issues with my in laws at the moment and things have been very awkward, we see them once a week for about an hour and I dread going but I make myself go. They never come to see us. I will watch this thread with Interest to see other replys. I may write up my issues about my in laws and post on here to see what other people's view are on it, but not sure yet if I should.

  • There are so many people in the same boat yoyo. I could list a few things but I think it boils down to the fact that I just don't like them. I didn't warm to them when we met and that is why. Although there are issues, I can't help feel that if I liked them it wouldn't seem so bad. Does that make sense?

    Talk away by the way if you need to vent x

  • I grin and bear mine. We had a big thing happen a couple if years ago with the pil but things are slowly getting better. We tolerate each other and I only see them if I have to. We also had a huge thing with my bil and his stupid wife last year which ended up in us not speaking to each for nearly a year. Quite a few very nasty things were said and I can't forget that. I have made alot of effort with them to help build bridges but they do nothing. It began to affect my health so I now only see them when I have to. It wasn't worth the stress.

    I would have liked a better relationship with them but they are very odd people and I don't think I will ever understand their logic.

  • Thanks. I used to like and get on well with them, but things have changed. It's so difficult, especially when there are children (their grand children) involved.

    Daisy - it sounds like you have had a lot to put up with them x

  • In my experience you suck it up, keep chat and contact to a minimum and avoid slagging them off too much to your H. My ILs are quite simply not my kind of people. Most things they do infuriate me. The only way to deal with them is just rise above it and remember that at least at the end of they day they love my children. My H once told me I was making him hate his parents..... I try not to talk about them much at all now.

  • I think that is the way it is going AlsiT. I was making an effort after the problems I had with my ex-ILs (ah a pattern lol), I was suggesting to OH that we visit every week and we went for a couple of hours, I was texting MIL after mw appts, we gave them scan photos, invited them to look at the pram (they are buying it but told us to go ahead and order etc), had them over for dinner, I cooked etc and then after a falling out over their dog, I was told to make more effort :/

    So I'm not. I haven't seen FIL for two months and have only seen MIL in that time as her father was in hospital and I went along to support OH.  I don't want a big mess as it was in my previous relationship but I really cannot stomach being around his step-dad :(

  • Daisy

    I grin and bear mine. We had a big thing happen a couple if years ago with the pil but things are slowly getting better. We tolerate each other and I only see them if I have to. We also had a huge thing with my bil and his stupid wife last year which ended up in us not speaking to each for nearly a year. Quite a few very nasty things were said and I can't forget that. I have made alot of effort with them to help build bridges but they do nothing. It began to affect my health so I now only see them when I have to. It wasn't worth the stress.

    I would have liked a better relationship with them but they are very odd people and I don't think I will ever understand their logic.

    I think this is it, I can't forget how awful the falling out was. I said sorry and was ignored for a few days (had to do it over text as she wouldn't answer her phone) and when I enquired if she had received it, there was a falling out over text message. I got told to make more effort and that a 'lack of communication doesn't solve anything'. I bloody apologised and was ignored! I didn't lack in communication skills! 

    I am going to start a rant if I carry on. What I was agreeing with is that it is affecting my health as I am getting more and more anxious as time goes on, I was on anti-anxiety tablets before and desperately don't want to be on them again all because of this! 

  • All the more reason to try and not care too much then, no way you should let it affect your health. It doesn't sound easy at all  Hug

  • OH is aware of how over-bearing his FIL is, he has warned him and says that he is behind me (as long as I'm not rude to them). But it's the thought of my children being anywhere near him that I keep getting, he won't change, MIL even said she won't ask or expect him to. Meh :(

  • I try and take a Mrs Brown approach. Inside I'm screaming all sorts of bad stuff but all that comes out is "thats nice". It works at the moment. They are my H's family and we have spoken at length over this. And his answer to everything is just brush it under the carpet.

    We've agreed to try and not talk about it x

  • AlsiT

    In my experience you suck it up, keep chat and contact to a minimum and avoid slagging them off too much to your H.

    ^^ exactly this. my MIL is beyond awful and it used to get me really stressed out and made me quite ill. now I just go to my zen place and don't react. all responses are limited to generic pleasentries and if she tries to interfere with our relationship or parenting its a very calm 'well its our family/choice and we do it this way, but thank you'

    life is much less stressful now I've adopted my 'I don't care' attitude - I just let it wash over me.

  • I have similar. In fact, H told them I was pregnant when I wasn't there (they work together) and they still haven't congratulated me despite having seen me about four times since. In fact FIL hasn't mentioned it at all and all MIL has said is "how did if go?" When H and I went into their office after the early scan. I said yes everything's fine, pulled out the scan pic and she glanced at it, replied "very good" and changed the subject. They show no interest in M yet take BILs kids all the time. And there have been a number of ways in which theyve treated us differently over the years. The problem I have is that H buries his head in the sand and won't speak to them about it.

    So basically I see them as little as possible and ignore when she's telling us yet again where we are going wrong bringing up M. You know the grandchild she has no interest in.

  • Oh and mine have forgotten they had agreed to picking up my kids this afternoon so I now have to see if I can work from home.  And breathe.

  • Hi, I have read this thread with interest!

    AlisiT - you have said exactly how I feel about mine, they are just not my kind of people.  I don't have any children yet but we are ttc #1 I don't know how they will be with our baby if we are lucky to get a bfp, they were a nightmare when we got married but great when we moved house last year we will have to wait and see!

  • So quite a few of us then! :/ Sorry to hear all of your experiences, family can be so complicated.

    My FIL, who is OHs step-dad shouts us down concerning the way we deal with B. I mean properly shouts us down, tells us we can't stifle him, leave him to be a child (jumping on furniture at bedtime), saying he wants a list of things B is allowed to say and do :/

    I have only been with OH for 14 months so I didn't take it well having a stranger come in and tell me what I should or shouldn't do. He even said to OH that he can't tell him off, which to me was insinuating that because OH isn't Bs dad. I put him right on that one, I even said to MIL that if that's the case then he can't tell OH what to do as he isn't his dad :/  OH isn't even allowed to ask B if he needs the toilet or needs help cutting tough food etc without his step-dad telling him to leave him alone :( I have defended OH so many times now. My ex-H says that if I want, he will meet them and tell them OH is allowed to do anything I need him to, see if they argue with him! lol.

  • AlsiT, you summed it up perfectly. We haven't had a major blow out but so many little things. After the last time they stayed they did a few things that my H told them not to & said he'd be really cross if they did. They did it anyway (it's quite petty so not gonna go into the exact details) & he said he was gonna speak harshly to them but he hasn't & won't. So frustrating but I try not to have much to do with them.

  • OH has suggested to his mum that we meet for coffee next week, she can see the pram (as she was too busy when I invited her) and will make sure fil is at work just so we can ease in gently.

    My worry is that as soon as we see him again he will be the same and I think I'll have to walk away.

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